So yea, I hate the fact that I have feelings and that peoples actions make me jealous/upset/pissed off/Irritated/Depressed/Forgotten.
I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.
I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.
I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.
I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.
Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."
Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.
I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."
and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."
I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"
I'm a fucking loser.
And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"
The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.
Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.
Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.
Everything.
How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.
The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"
And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.
I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...
Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.
Hope all is well with everyone.
