It’s not okay that I am so emotionally handicapped that it pains me to ask for help. Or when I do ask for help, I instantly decline said help.
Last night I went to my grandma’s house. It was one of the first times I was there for more than 5 minutes when it wasn’t full of cousins since the Funeral. The silence killed me emotionally. I went from having a great day to be instantly crippled by this overwhelming emotion I can only understand as grief.
It wasn’t supposed to be this hard for me. My grandma and I never really got along…and I know I’m probably a bastard for even thinking that, but its almost crippling the affect and power she had over my life. The influence she had and now the absence is stronger than I would have ever imagined.
I know it will get better with time but last night all I wanted to do is be held and talked to, to take it off my mind and when I called someone I figured would be right for the job, I declined the initial thought of just coming over and getting a hug. That’s right, I declined.
He was ago for the situation but I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to “ruin” his mood. I’ve always been accused indirectly of being a mood killer because of my emotions and having a tendency to lean towards the darker side of life. So I tend to lean away from the support of others and carry my sadness, anger, frustrations and pains alone.
I finally sucked up my own pride and just went for it. I’m glad I did, because he did make me feel better, and I know he’s probably thinking “I didn’t do anything” but sometimes doing nothing and just being there is more than doing something. It’s more than the “I’m Sorry” or the “it will be okay” comments, especially with me.
On a less Emo note, I have discovered yet another addition to the “Things Not To Do” list.
This morning I was supposed to be to work at 6 AM, I woke up at 6:35, luckily I was at my grandma’s so I arrived at my work at 6:45. Just in time for our new kid to try and enter the building and trip the alarm we have. He didn’t know the pass code and so the CEO of the company was called and thus foiled my “show up late unnoticed” plan.
I’m still wearing my PJs…. However, it’s Friday… So I don’t care.
