"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."
I feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me...
For those of you who are semi close to me (or as close to me as I let you get.) You’ll know that its very hard for me to trust people, in fact, very few people do I trust with anything. More specifically it seems to be a trend that I single out a person and make them the barer of all my trust, or a good portion of it.
After talking with that person tonight, I realized a few things...
One - I have no idea what I want out of life. And thats very strange for me to say because I’ve always been pretty good at having an idea of what I wanted of course these things would change from time to time, but I attributed to the fact that I took from others and built an imaginary life of my own, with chunks of people inside of it. A filtering system if you will.
Two - I am very unlovable, because I don’t love myself. Lets face it, that is obvious by the way I look because what person who loved themselves would ever let themselves get to the way I am? There are reasons for my lack of love many of them from years of brash statements, but if I were as strong as I say I am, I wouldn’t allow these harsh words to effect me. They have and I hate myself for it.
Three - I carry way too much guilt on my shoulders. I feel guilty for being born, I feel guilty for the choices I make in effort to find the path that makes me happy, but it seems every path is always the same. Why do I never shy off this path? Why do I continue to stay on a path that hasn’t seemed to do me any good?
Four - I realize why its so hard to trust, because I trust people I think wont throw my own thoughts in my face and most people will, if not all. You can say you’re not that kind of person, but when push comes to shove we’ve all thrown something someone in-trusted in us in that persons face. Its not really intentional, its just the mind and ego. Ego creates our thoughts and perception of things, and when our perception is not made, we revert to other tactics.
The fifth thing I realized was really not a realization, but an acknowledgment of what I’ve always known. I search and need approval too much. My co-dependent personality doesn’t allow me to think or move without considering other people into the equation. Sometimes that would be seen as a good thing, because it means that less people get stepped on. The problem is, it means I get stepped on and forgotten.
I’m going to try and stop that from happening. I may never learn to trust and I’m almost quite certain that I will trust less, but at least from the conversation I did learn that I have a lot to figure out and only myself to prove my worth.
Here’s to hoping I made the right choice.... and that I don’t ever have to feel this way again... because I am crushed.
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
