We look pretty normal, lets go back to that.

I've noticed that since I've moved when people ask me about my life before, I clench up. I don't want to delve too much information about my past so that people pre judge.

When I was interviewing people would ask me about my family and my mind would race. "Are you close with your family?" Answer: I'm close with a few siblings. "Where are your parents?" Answer: My mother is dead... To me.... My father is crazy. Of course I don't say that, I say in a chipper voice "They live in AZ, but I was mostly raised by my grandmother, who passed away last March of Pancreatic cancer, she's the reason I have this opportunity to live here and go to school." And then I'd watch as two people exchanged a look, "she's a broken person, she clearly is not capable of caring for our children." or "She doesn't have family, clearly she's not a family oriented type person."

Which is quite the opposite. The world brought me into a broken home, it set me up for failure, and yet some how, I think I've come out on top, or at least near the top, with the ability to stand up and climb to the top. I love families. I love the idea of it. I mean I have family. I have a sister and I have brothers. I have cousins, and aunts and uncles. I had friends. I had friends parents. I had a grandmother who took care of me and attempted to teach me right from wrong with the help of others. I had a family, but my family was broken, it was pieces of my family and the family of my friends. This was my family.

I'm in the process of jumping through hoops to get into a place, and everyone wants to know "What was your family life like?" It was broken, but I'm not broken, I've picked the pieces up. They may not be glued back together but I hold them neatly together as I glue pieces. My childhood, I think was happy - my brain has slowly begun to filter out things and my recollection of things has become murky. I was happy as a child, I'm sure of it, because I was oblivious to all that happened, seemingly living in my own world. And to some extent, I still live that way.

So it brings me to the topic of dating. The whole idea scares the crap out of me and up until now, never was a thought in my mind. And I want to get out of my shell, I want to stand tall for who and what I am. But I'm freaked out to be asked about my family. About my life before. What do I say when people ask? How to I appear to not be so damaged? Damaged people scare off others. But we're all damaged to some extent. Some of us more than others. But still I wonder how I am to approach the situation. How do I come off confident, strong and able? You certainly can't start the conversation with "Hi, I'm Jennie, I come from a broken home."

I dont want to wait another minute, put me out of my misery...

"It's never easy and you never know what leaves you crying and what makes you whole there ain't no way that I can hold it down falling to pieces, forever in doubt..."



and hearing people tell me "I'm better off" just makes me frustrated, because i know this, and I wish my heart and brain would align!

And I "feel like a candle in a hurricane, Just like a picture with a broken frame."

My life is broken. I've got 2 weeks to move out. I just got a job. I start school next week. My heart aches... my brain hurts. I've had a bad stomach ache for months now... And I think its all stress related...

Time after time...

Wash It All Away

Rain always made the desert come alive,
I was a dry desert waiting to be touched.
When it came, I sat motionless,
letting water drip down my face,
over my forehead and down the bridge
of my nose.
It washed away the dirt,
Down my cheek, as if mother nature
was shedding a tear for me,
its as if she's saying, "Take a break
its not as bad as you think."
My clothes sticky and wet against my chilled skin
it was the smell and taste of life.