So last week my car broke down on the middle of the Garden State Parkway (Massive road, split into 6 lanes each way, 3 for Express and 3 for local (aka exit lanes)) Well I was on the Express side (no way to exit) and the clutch went out on my car. You can’t just have ANYONE tow you off the Parkway or Turnpike, you have to have specially licensed people do it. Well, that tow cost me 250.00. Of which I didn’t have. Then the clutch cost me another 125.00.
I’m grateful because my friend Jake had an extra car that I am currently using (however uncomfortable it is for me to drive) but the problem is that I have no money. And I work part time and school starts in 2 days. Which is fine, sort of. Normally I would be okay, but the money I had in reserves was used to support me during my surgery in July, and it's all gone. ....
The problem is, I have over 5000.00 in grant/loan money being held by the school and they actually don’t give the money to the student until the end of November, at that point I am 3 weeks from school being over. I thought that the point of getting money to help you with school for expenses and what not was to help. Releasing the funds that late in the semester does not help. What if I was a student that needed to purchase a computer? The semester would basically be over before I was actually able to do so. Or in my case, I need the funding to pay my rent – That includes October and November rent. It’s very frustrating and Im feeling extremely hopeless. I can’t get a personal loan from a bank because I have terrible credit. I’m trying to find another job but that’s not proving to be an easy task. And it’s making me a nervous wreck. ....
I really need to get a second job now, which totally fucks me on my plans to be a full time student with a part time job. It’s going to make me a full time student with basically a full time job…. And I fear that will not end well. But if I don’t get more income, I will not make my Oct. rent… Fuck, why did my car have to break now?....
Bleh.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Why the long face? Did someone just kill your cat?
It’s like someone just told me my cat died. Because that’s how I feel about the new stuff that has been coming out of the Backstreet Boys as of late. I remember when I spent hours trying to defend them against what people would say about them. I’d claim that they were real musicians and that they did write their own stuff because, well they did.
So, like a true fan, I followed them on Twitter. Yes I even had their updates sent to my phone just so I could keep track of what my favorite… yes I’ll say it now. My favorite group was doing. I was truly excited about their last album. It was such an improvement from many of their first that had gotten me hooked at the time when I was budding into puberty searching for acceptance and wanting something to call my own. They came at the right time in my life and I know they will stay forever in my life too. However, lately I’m more ashamed than I ever was as a young teenager making my way through the halls being teased by others for wearing my concert shirt to school. You’d think at my most impressionable time this rejection from my peers would sting, it did – but not nearly as much as it did when I clicked the link from a twitter saying “check out our new single.”
I can only explain my reaction as horrified. A rumble came on, and then I felt like there was a strobe light piercing my eardrums, tainting my mind with all that is being leaked out of the airwaves on radio these days. It took everything in my being to keep the entire song on, hoping that it was just a dream, that what I was just imagining the crap coming from my Macbook speakers. It didn’t stop. And the sting set in.
“Ugh, Am I really going to buy this crap when it comes out?” I thought to myself.
I’m a dedicated fan so when “I’ll never break your heart” came out, even though that song portrayed Backstreet Boy, Brian Littrells long time love interest and wife in the video, I still watched it as I saw my little heart break because it was now abundantly clear that I was not marrying that Backstreet Boy. And clearly it was his loss, because I, well I will be an amazing catch some day and he could only be so lucky.
So even as my little heart broke, I still supported the Backstreet Boys.
When Kevin Richardson signed off from the band and I felt like his sultry voice really was a crucial element to the band, I continued to display my flag, demanding support for the remaining members because while he moved on, the backstreet boys would still prevail. But I still needed Kevin. And I still felt his presents.
And when they weren’t selling albums and what they were producing wasn’t considered pop, but dwindled into “Adult Contemporary” I supported them. Because what they were producing was honest. It was emotional and it filled me with happiness because they were keeping with what I knew the backstreet boys were to me, a vocal group with an amazing amount of talent. Unfortunately, that album didn’t do too well.
So their answer? Well just turn on the radio, it’s about the same as everything else that’s on right now. And yes, they were a pop sensation, and yes there were several other groups that were the same when they were at the “Peak” of their career, but they also retained some individuality. Can anyone really say they know who 5ive was or LFO without really knowing pop music at the time? You say “Backstreet Boys” and while some may groan, people knew who they were. Okay, so maybe you couldn’t tell the difference between them and their “rival” N’Sync, but you can blame their manager for that, as they shared the same reject of a promoter.
And if it weren’t enough that my whole world of obsession and devotion got dragged through a cheese grater, I did what any loyal fan would do. I clicked the link to watch the video of the same song that made my brain melt. Twilight Fans, you sure will love it. Vampires. Original, I’m so glad they thought of something that no one else would think of. I’m sure it will do some what well because anything with a vampire is being snatched up and devoured.
But for me, I feel like someone just killed my cat.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
My Own "Jennifer Project"
In an attempt to find more things named Jennie or Jennifer in a self imposed contest with my friend Jake I thought I had won the war when I discovered that there was a Jennifer Island in Canada. “HAH!” I exclaimed, “I have my own Island.” Happy in my triumphant win, I then discovered that there was a Jake Island and a Jacob Island. It as at this point that I had to fold. Even though I had found several Jennifer/Jennie/Jenny/Jen combos Jake/Jacob was the winner with more than twice as many geographical locations, the cards were clearly in his favor. And in case you are wondering In the United States alone there are these geographical locations with variations of the name Jennifer.
1. Jenifer, Alabama
2. Jennie, Minnesota
3. Jennie, Georgia
4. Jennie, Arkansas
5. Jennie Run Estates, Maryland
6. Jenny Gap Historical, West Virginia
7. Jenny Lind, California
8. Jenny Lind, Arkansas
9. Jenny Lind, North Carolina
10. Jennys, South Carolina
But what I found even more interesting in my quest to find all things Jennie/Jennifer was that a Blogger had started this thing she named The Jennifer Project. Which this Jennifer's goal was to meet and photograph different Jennifers' around the world/U.S. Each tell a story of their love or love/hate relationship with the name Jennifer. And it inspired me to write my own story with my love, mostly hate relationship with my namesake.
I knew that I had been named after someone specific in the family and that it was a grandmother, but I wasn’t sure how far back that went. So I did what anyone searching for answers about their family would do…. I called a family member. So now the mystery is solved. I was named Jennie (Well my birth certificate reads Jennifer) after my Great-Great-Great Grandmother on my Mother’s Father’s side. I also knew that if I weren’t Jennifer, I would have been named Margaret but nicknamed Maggie; which I can only assume is because it was my Great Aunts name.
In the earlier chapters of my life when I was discovering who I was and what that meant I remember trying the different spellings and versions of Jennifer. At home I had a slew of different nicknames Jennie Girl, G-girl, and Hennie Pennie, are among the few. I thought I would try out spelling my name J-E-N-N-Y for a change. It was easier to write, seem to flow better when written in cursive and I could create a cute little curly-q at the end of my name with accent to the y. To me Jenny sounded more fun, peppy, perhaps cheerleader-esq and even more so, it sounded popular and I needed all the help I could get.
Of course that came to an end when I brought home a paper with my new found spelling of and got quite the lecture about it. I remember my mother saying “I didn't name you JENNY with a Y, I named you Jennie with an IE after your great grandmother…” and the rest will remain a mystery but the message was clear and I would spend the rest of my life arguing that same point. “It’s Jennie with an I E not Jenny with a Y.” or “No it’s J-E-N-N-I-E” It felt more unique to be Jennie and it actually lumped me in the category of “weird name” children because after all, I was born in the 80’s and nearly every other child was named Jennifer.
The hate for my name came later in my life when I would constantly hear my grandmother screaming my name from across the room always accenting the “Fer” part. Even as I write this I can hear her calling my name and sometimes would wake startled in the middle of the night thinking she was calling me. From that point, I would growl angrily at anyone who called me Jennifer, asking them to please not address me as such because I was named after my Grandmother and her name was Jennie.
I also adopted the story I would tell people that my mom was too stupid to not know that you could name your child anything (with reason) and she thought she had to name me Jennifer. At least that’s what I had hoped because Jennifer seemed to peg me too closely to other people and I of course, was a star destined to outshine them all. Perhaps that is why I took same route in "slightly different" when I adopted Jenn, It's that extra N that makes all the difference.
1. Jenifer, Alabama
2. Jennie, Minnesota
3. Jennie, Georgia
4. Jennie, Arkansas
5. Jennie Run Estates, Maryland
6. Jenny Gap Historical, West Virginia
7. Jenny Lind, California
8. Jenny Lind, Arkansas
9. Jenny Lind, North Carolina
10. Jennys, South Carolina
But what I found even more interesting in my quest to find all things Jennie/Jennifer was that a Blogger had started this thing she named The Jennifer Project. Which this Jennifer's goal was to meet and photograph different Jennifers' around the world/U.S. Each tell a story of their love or love/hate relationship with the name Jennifer. And it inspired me to write my own story with my love, mostly hate relationship with my namesake.
I knew that I had been named after someone specific in the family and that it was a grandmother, but I wasn’t sure how far back that went. So I did what anyone searching for answers about their family would do…. I called a family member. So now the mystery is solved. I was named Jennie (Well my birth certificate reads Jennifer) after my Great-Great-Great Grandmother on my Mother’s Father’s side. I also knew that if I weren’t Jennifer, I would have been named Margaret but nicknamed Maggie; which I can only assume is because it was my Great Aunts name.
In the earlier chapters of my life when I was discovering who I was and what that meant I remember trying the different spellings and versions of Jennifer. At home I had a slew of different nicknames Jennie Girl, G-girl, and Hennie Pennie, are among the few. I thought I would try out spelling my name J-E-N-N-Y for a change. It was easier to write, seem to flow better when written in cursive and I could create a cute little curly-q at the end of my name with accent to the y. To me Jenny sounded more fun, peppy, perhaps cheerleader-esq and even more so, it sounded popular and I needed all the help I could get.
Of course that came to an end when I brought home a paper with my new found spelling of and got quite the lecture about it. I remember my mother saying “I didn't name you JENNY with a Y, I named you Jennie with an IE after your great grandmother…” and the rest will remain a mystery but the message was clear and I would spend the rest of my life arguing that same point. “It’s Jennie with an I E not Jenny with a Y.” or “No it’s J-E-N-N-I-E” It felt more unique to be Jennie and it actually lumped me in the category of “weird name” children because after all, I was born in the 80’s and nearly every other child was named Jennifer.
The hate for my name came later in my life when I would constantly hear my grandmother screaming my name from across the room always accenting the “Fer” part. Even as I write this I can hear her calling my name and sometimes would wake startled in the middle of the night thinking she was calling me. From that point, I would growl angrily at anyone who called me Jennifer, asking them to please not address me as such because I was named after my Grandmother and her name was Jennie.
I also adopted the story I would tell people that my mom was too stupid to not know that you could name your child anything (with reason) and she thought she had to name me Jennifer. At least that’s what I had hoped because Jennifer seemed to peg me too closely to other people and I of course, was a star destined to outshine them all. Perhaps that is why I took same route in "slightly different" when I adopted Jenn, It's that extra N that makes all the difference.
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