The Show Must Go On....

So I lost my temper for the first time in front of the 4-year-old I watch. I mean that in a way that I finally just lost it and threw my own temper tantrum of sorts.

It started yesterday, the itch in the back of my throat, in retrospect I probably should have taken that as a hint and not have trapeze through the snow-covered Central Park with Emily, but it was part of the list, and I can’t resist checking off items on “The List.” Besides, I had the afternoon off and a roll of film I needed to shoot… Central park seemed like a good idea.

I came home frozen to the bone and sniffling. The scratch in my throat had progressed to a stuffy nose and a lot of sinus pressure by nighttime. I woke up this morning wanting to hide from the world, but knew I needed to get in gear. Today’s plans began with the kids and then photography in the evening it couldn’t be that hard.

I spent the first hour of work cleaning up some toys while the boy wonders were at a doctor’s appointment. It was peaceful, I had the Ipod thumping and the groove was in, but I was still sluggish. My nose would switch from stuffed to clear then back to stuffed again within a few minutes. This is when my patience with things began to wear thin and no one was even around. It was only the toys and I.

Luke came in already throwing questions at me left and right before I could fully grasp the concept that they were here.

“What do they have at a barber shop? Can we make one? Do they have a vacuum? Where are my razors, can I have a razor? What else do they have? Can we make a barber shop with those” He drilled me before he had even taken off his coat.

Graeme (Pronounced Graham) had a rash and was going to be taking some Benadryl and probably going down for a nap “E” informed me in between Luke’s spitfire of questions. Still hazed I nodded and began collecting Luke’s shoes and jacket, shuffling some more toys about in the process.

“E” slipped off into the safe confines of the office while Luke shadowed me and G was distracted by some toy. I began answering Luke’s questions and collecting things for use in the barbershop.Graeme distracted me by handing me his juice cup in effort for me to fill it and I realized I had to make the boys lunch and that the mom had mentioned it in passing again between the rounds of questions from Luke. I dragged myself into the kitchen, sipped some of my iced tea and began cutting up the already nuked hot dog for G.

“Do Barbers eat while they cut hair? Can I have this? Can you make me some Tea? Where do they eat their lunch? I want iced tea, Can you make me some iced tea? How come they don’t put a lot of chicken in this soup? Is this for kids? Do they have kids kind? How come it’s just for adults.”

Most days I love Luke’s onslaught of questions, he’s very inquisitive and it makes me smile. I hope he never loses that wonder, but I know he probably will. I dissect each question but not at a quick enough pace and Luke begins to lose patience with me.

Meanwhile, my nose is still a facet and I’m doing everything in my power to control my temper.

The next few hours are the same thing. Luke pounds me with questions and we build things. A Castle/Fort where he dubs me the Queen and Knights himself, I smile at this point because he thinks enough of me this time to make me Queen, last time I was his Page.

After G wakes from his nap I shuttle the boys upstairs to build yet another contraption, this time a covered landscaping Truck to be made out of these Knex-like plastic rods and balls. And as I’m working on this G gives me his “I’m-going-to-be-up-to-no good” and then trots off to his brothers room, the contraption has already broken 3 times while I’m in the process and I finally snap, throwing some of the sticks and balls across the floor I shout, “YOU DO IT!” and then stop off to figure out what G has gotten into.

Luke follows me whining and bidding that I help him by doing it and that I always help him. I realize after I’m out of the room that the show I just put on is hardly the example that needs to be set for this child who already has trouble with his emotions. I herd G back downstairs into the toy room and begin picking up the pieces explaining to Luke that he has to help and that we are going to build this together.

“Like a team?” he asks.

“Exactly.” I respond checking my clock, knowing that my patience is gone and that I need to regain control of myself.

I finish the day in a darkroom, my Ipod pumped full blast and a can opener in my hand. I am at peace as I work my way into the film containers and feed the film onto the reels to be developed. I think back on today and how I lost my temper and know, “the show must go on.”

Synovial joints are what?

On a serious note, I never learned how to study. Seriously. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve never had to. I’ve made it through my school years just naturally retaining information and that stuff that I didn’t retain, in my mind wasn’t meant to be retained.

I never got the idea of studying mentally, It just didn’t compute. I remember a friend and I were going to take the PSAT’s and she told me she couldn’t hang out because she had to study for the exam. She spent the entire weekend studying for this exam and in the end, scored lower than I did, and the most studying I did was reading a book.

I’m not trying to say “Oh I’m so smart” cause if I was, I would know how to study wouldn’t I? I’m saying that I’ve gotten by thus far not studying that I never developed how to do it exactly. I mean I get that you can sit there and pour over a chapter over and over again until you’ve memorized it, but that kind of scares me? Also, my attention deficit would never allow it. My focus would be off and I wouldn’t be able to recall a thing when it came down to it.

Maybe I could write everything I wrote down. They say writing things repetitively helps retention. Is that what I need to do? Is that even necessary? How do people study? I don’t get it?

I’m annoyed because I’m taking a remedial science course because the last science class I took was 10 years ago. I’m not annoyed that the class was 10 years ago, but rather that I’m struggling with basic concepts. I’m finding this remedial course to be extensively hard. Despite being able to just pick up on things, I can’t seem to get this going. I can’t pronounce half the words in the book and that frustrates me to no end. I think that’s what really gets me. The scientific words, how things can’t just be simply said.

I would like to go back to when your “Leg bone connected to the knee bone” instead of your Femur is connected to your patella, and your tibia and fibula. Which is connected to some ligaments….

Get your head outta the clouds kid!

I need to focus. The past three weeks have been a complete haze where I feel like I am walking around in this fog. I’m smiling and I am happy, but I seem to be slacking in my everyday responsibilities.

You know, the ones where I actually do my schoolwork and show up to class? Listen, my brain has been preoccupied with the idea of a crush. I have one. It’s slowly consuming my every thought pattern. Psychology of personality becomes “I wonder what he’s doing, I’m going to text him to see.” And Photography turns into me staring at a photo I took of us on my phone. I feel like a drug addict consumed in the thought of when I will get my next "fix." When will I hear his voice? See his smile. When will I be able to kiss him and hear him tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves to see me smile. Cause really, this kind of drug can never get old. It is such an amazing feeling to me, a rush. I'm pretty sure in the past, I've never felt this sort of crazy rushing feeling. But its consuming.

I need to get back to the place where my mind isn’t wandering and I focus more. Concentrate on what is in front of me and allow myself to fall into a better routine where I organize, prioritize and make sure I am doing what I should be doing.
That being said, I find myself constantly in a bright and sunny mood. I love this me better than any me I have ever been, and it truly doesn’t have to do with the prospect of Daniel in my life; though he sure doesn’t hurt.

It has to do with figuring out who I am, what I want and just letting go of things that bother me. I’m allowing myself to live without the fear, without the voice in my head telling me I’ll never be good enough, because for the first time in a long time, I feel good enough, if not better. I can and will do anything.

On the Brooklyn Side...

I haven’t written anything as of late for fear that I would just babble on and on about this boy that I have and how he makes me light up, and he does. I haven’t written about it because I know when I read things like that it makes me gag. Sure someone is happy, sure it’s great to see that, but also, it makes me gag.

So instead, I’ll write about the Brooklyn Bridge.

The fact that I love bridges really does throw me off a bit, because I fear going over them. I fear that they will collapse and I will be on them. I have much of that same fear of walking over subway grates in the city. I fear that I will be walking on them and my weight will cause them collapse. Never mind the fact that nearly everyday several people walk over these grates and bridges and make it over just fine. In the back of my mind that little voice says, but what if today is the day. And so I avoid walking over grates in the city, taking the longest route possible to not have to step on one because the moment my foot touches one, my heart clenches and I get seized with a panic. So, I avoid them.

Bridges however, I cannot avoid. Living in Arizona most of the bridges I saw were over dirt and even then there weren’t that many. Living in New Jersey I can’t drive 10 miles without having passed over 3 or more bridges. Rivers are everywhere, and they’re actually riverbeds, not dried up. Even now I still get a kick out of going over a bridge and seeing water below. So you could say I’ve managed to overcome my fear of bridges. I no longer feel my heart seize in panic, but rather a weird calming euphoria feeling. So what is it about the Brooklyn Bridge that makes it my favorite bridge?
The first time I went to the Brooklyn Bridge was circa my 23rd Birthday. It was rainy and cold. But I stood there in aw starring at this massive structure that I had fallen in love with through only pictures. It was the most beautiful bridge I had ever seen with its massive arches lit and twinkling in the rain. And it would become a beacon for me a place to go when I felt restless.

While the Brooklyn Bridge is one of the oldest suspension bridges in the U.S and history does appeal to me, that isn’t what gets me. It’s not that it was one of the longest suspension bridges in the world and its not that its over 125-years-old, though that’s pretty impressive too. Come to think of it, I can’t really name what I love so much about this bridge, what I can say is that when I stand below it I feel at home.