So I was instilled with this desire to be all that you can be (sans army). I can never accept mediocrity and perhaps that’s why when my boyfriend suggests a new game to me, I stare blankly, pat him on the head mentally and then nod and smile.
To me games consist of such lame mediocrity to my brain waves. Perhaps its this self-diagnosed ADD that makes me sit for five minutes on a game then move on to something else. Maybe they’re just not “my thing” and that’s all right isn’t it?
But I did take a leap of faith and jump into a game to find some slight common ground, to open a window to see through his eyes instead. I actually found it interesting. Okay, the characters were ugly, and it wasn’t really like dressing up my Barbie in all sorts of glamour outfits, but it did distract me from the task at hand for a few hours, enough to say I enjoy it, but not enough to dive into other games similar or completely opposite from them.
So I smile at Daniel, I roll my eyes and make a sarcastic-joke-like comment when he tells me about a new game. And then I set expectations on him.
“If I smile and don't believe, soon I know I'll wake from this dream."I confess I have this need to keep moving, keep pressing forward for fear of sinking. For fear of falling and not getting back up. And sometimes I get angry at how content he is to be in the now. To be here. To just do what he wants for that moment in time, because I’m so desperately trying to figure out the next move.
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When my cousins were visiting New York the past week, I noticed that I would bring up my siblings in a nostalgic way, like I was trying to prove my love for them. It was my own attempt to say, “Hey, remember the old Jennie? She’s gone now, see?” I think everyone looks at me as the person I was before, and that bothers me. It bothers me that around cousins, I can’t feel comfortable in my own skin, like I have something to prove.
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I focus so much on others, so I don’t have to worry about me. And then I desperately try to show to people I’ve changed. And I have, quite a bit – but I’m still insecure, I’m still desperately trying to be loved, and I’m still struggling to figure out whether I’m happy with who I am and what I look like, or if I want to look like someone else and lose who I think I am. I’m too scared to face what’s in front of me, for fear that the center cannot hold, and that I will have to fall again, to be able to get back up. And so that I can remain true to the fact that for years the line “Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken” from Evanescence’s song Hello, was my mantra for life. To desperately be fine, to be okay.
And then mentally, I’m at a cross roads where I’m waiting for this big change. Where I want to progress forward and find myself ignoring the stubbornness of my youth where marriage and kids was a disgusting thought. I do want kids. I do want a marriage. But I fear that I am not fit to be a parent. I fear that my personality traits and genetic factors will make me a terrible wife and mother.
I’m scattered.
But lately I want to move forward with my life. I’m ready to take the next steps. To progress, so maybe that’s why I’m pushing for Daniel to move in with me, and to get him back into school.
Because I want something more than what I have now.
I always look toward the future. Pretty soon tomorrow will be here, today will be over and I’ll wonder and regret what I could have done yesterday.
"Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping, hello, I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday."
