Here’s something I haven’t done in a while.
I haven’t felt much like sharing any of the things going on in my life. Mostly, I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water. I’ve been more proactive in making sure I pay attention to the things I need to do and not let the focus of my goals and needs get lost in the shuffle.
After I came back from Chicago for the Waukegan family Christmas party, I fell into somewhat of a depression-induced stupor. Which is weird considering I also came back feeling a little more complete. I met family on my dad side that had always been this missing blacked out area of my life. But that is for another blog, I'm sure.
Mostly my depression was job related, so I called in and then eventually, I stopped calling in at all. It didn’t take long for that job to fire me on the account of a no call no show, but it wasn’t something that caused me to stress. It was actually more of a relief. I felt a weight off my shoulder and figured that it wouldn’t take me long to bounce back.
It didn’t.
In fact, the day I actively decided to quit my job, I went in for an interview and landed the job on the spot. Sure it’s part time. Sure it’s paying me less than nothing. It’s a job that makes me feel good. The people I work with are pretty fantastic and its right in the same line of what I’d love to do for a living. I work in the disabilities office on campus for the community college, it’s a work-study position, but I was so grateful it fell into my lap. Some of the students that come through are some of the most amazing people I’ve met. Some make my heart bleed for their disabilities. But mostly, they make me feel like I'm doing something right.
I’m happy doing what I do, working with the people I work with, but I feel like there is still something missing.
I joke that Coldplay is horrible, but the reality is, I enjoy them very much. Specifically I have an extreme fondness for the song Fix You. It seems to have a hold on my heart. It's so beautifully sung that anytime I hear it, it makes me want to cry. I’m a sucker for crying for reasons that aren’t me being emotionally unhinged.
I watch TV shows for their ability to make me cry. I’m addicted to feeling emotions, and usually I feel too much.
I digress.
This song represents me so much in my interactions with the people I allow in my life. I have this need to fix those who are “broken.” To help someone not experience things I have. The need to “fix” is the driving factor behind my wanting to get into Special Education, not that I want to fix these children, but rather that I want to fix the relationship and create a better understanding and bridge for them. The Fix-You factor makes me want to get into social work and counseling. It pushes me towards a community service field.
"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones... And I will try, to fix you"
What I’m saying is, you know how I know I’m “gay?”
Because I totally listen to Coldplay.
And yes, I have been on a bit of a Glee music kick.
