This could be para, para, paradise...

I hate that my mind creates these scenarios.

The writer in me feels differently about things. I fall in love with characters and thus cry easier. Little moments can bring tears to my eyes because its emotions I’ve long to feel either through the creation of characters or real life.

Tonight I was walking to the front porch and there was a perfect slight chill in the air and before I could stop it, I suddenly felt lonely.

The weather was make-out weather.

Where the wind is blowing just enough that if I were close to someone they could brush a strand of my hair from my face and kiss me. I could feel the moment like it had happened to me before. Laying by the nearby lake on a blanket wrapped into each other’s arms, while we talked in the slight glow of the moonlight through the rain threatening clouds. And even if it rained, it would only make the moment more perfect, because I long so much to be kissed in the rain.

So I sat outside, listening to the leaves rustling above and felt the romance consume me before a sudden chill brought me back to my senses and I drew my arms around myself.

And I feel the loneliness creep back...

...Or I’m channeling my inner Nicholas Sparks.

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there...

Today I told my boss that I’ve started feeling more confident about myself again. I told her I decided to be okay.

I decided to not worry about how come I was left so easily and decided to think about all the things he lost. I am an amazing person, if he doesn’t see that its because he chooses not to.

I am loving, I am kind and I am supportive. And most of all, I am a fox, even if I am overweight. I am a catch. I am a big deal. I am smart, compassionate and funny. I am full of myself but humble, and I am tired of feeling bad.

I’m tired of thinking “maybe if I had done this, instead of that.” Because I am human so I make mistakes, but the people who pick me, and choose me in their lives, they are getting a great human being, because I am worth the hassle.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Paper Towns

“Each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack open in places. And, I mean yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. […] But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And it’s only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get out.”

- John Green (Paper Towns)