Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?

Last night while driving the 9.5 hours from New Jersey to Michigan I finally grasped what the authors where talking about when they talked about the south and hot and sticky nights. I drove with my window down most of the time because it keeps me alert and I like the feel of the wind on my face. But damn, afterwards I could feel the humidity clinging to my skin as I rolled up the window. And I knew what it meant to lay awake at night because the air was so sticky and hot it made even breathing unpleasant.

This thought led me to think about how certain writers have this way of capturing you with things they say. For the internet people, John Green resonates with his quotable lines and wording. And I think about how sometimes, when I’m alone and there’s a breeze or a certain smell something stands out to me it can take me back to something someone has written and I love tha. There’s an opening to a book which I absolutely adore, White Oleander by Janet Fitch. It haunts me at moments like this when I’m driving and my mind finds the connection.

“The Santa Anas blew in hot from the desert, shriveling the last of the spring grass into whiskers of pale straw. Only the oleanders thrived, their delicate poisonous blooms, their dagger green leaves. We couldn't sleep in the hot dry nights, my mother and I. I woke up at midnight to find her bed empty. I climbed to the roof and easily spotted her blonde hair like a white flame in the light of the three-quarter moon.”

The opening lines of this book beg you to feel them. And as a writer that is our goal. We want you to feel the emotions behind the words. Because what are words if they aren’t felt?

Things I Learned on Tumblr Or Why People are Angry on the Internet: A study.... kinda. Not really.

I did a stint on this website called Tumblr and by doing that I learned a few things other than I am 12 kinds of vain and I love attention. Wait, I already knew that.

One of the first things I learned (or cemented) is that people on the Internet are angry. About everything. I mean everything. I lived in my own little world filled with my own anxieties, fears and anger triggers. Little did I know, people are angry about not learning how to buy a house in school, balance check book, grocery shop and other remedial things that I thought parents were supposed to do? I mean I learned how to balance checkbook in middle school. Did I ever do it? Clearly my past is proof that I disregarded said knowledge. Did you know that just because you have checks, doesn’t mean you have money? Really, lets be honest who even uses checks anymore? No, seriously, checks do not equal money. Lesson learned.

What was I talking about? Oh right, angry people on the Internet. Right, so I also realized that people like to bitch, myself included. It’s a bit of catharsis to just really have a rant-a-thon and get your shit out there… and then someone will come along and think “FUCK YEAH! THAT IS SOME BULLSHIT” and they’ll probably use all caps too. And if you’re smart, you wont share your tumblr with family or friends because that’s how you REALLY let yourself be free of whatever public persona or face you have to put on. Also did anyone know there was such thing as White Privilege? I didn’t. Tumblr introduced me to that and the word Pansexual. Who knew? But more on the idea of “privilege” later.

I also learned that there is a lot more porn than I ever thought could imagine and browsing Tumblr in public was like a ticking time bomb because I never knew what one of my followers would have posted. Even at 1 in the afternoon when people are presumably working.

That being said, one of the things I learned is that there is an entire community of women like me. And when I say like me, I mean fat. I mean fat with a slight hint of vanity (by slight I mean extreme, that is.) There is also a community of people who are way too into fat, chubby, obese girls that it’s more of a fetish… But thinking about that kind of makes me vomit because it’s an objectification of the female body that happens to be in a larger form.

Additionally, I have realized that as a society we shame ourselves and more importantly our youth into thinking that being fat is literally the worse thing you could be. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I don’t want to get fat” or the negative use of the phrase that even I use of “being a fat kid.” Or “My fat kid is showing.”

This is not to say that I am glorifying obesity (FYI I really hate that word, its so harsh and demeaning) by any stretch of the imagination. What I’m really trying to say is, is it really the worse thing a person can be? I guess the reality is, I’ve spent my whole life being shamed for being my weight, and you know, I should lose weight, I am unhealthy by BMI standards, but do we really need to shame people for these things? Especially so harshly and early on?

Do any of us even realize the implications of this derogatory discrimination? Let me paint two pictures for you.

Picture 1:

You’re with a group of friends and one of them, we’ll call her Paula, says “Look at that Nigger over there,” as they point to a black person crossing the road. For the most part, we are raised to believe that racism is wrong, and it is wrong. The use of that word is considered insulting and derogatory. And we are taught that it is an unacceptable word to use. And not really considered socially acceptable. That is basic knowledge.

Picture 2:

Some teenage girls are in a dressing room, super excited about prom because Oh My Gosh, Josh asked Becky to go and she just has to find the right dress. I know right? You’re excited too, I can tell. So, cue to Becky, of normal stature (maybe a size 8) trying on a beautiful dress. “Does this make me look fat?” She asks her girls.

And I will stop right there because this can go one of two ways, they say yes, or they say no. But the point is, the negative connotation that is put on the idea of being fat. Do you really try something on and think “Well gosh, does this make me look too black?” I mean, I’ve never really thought that. And I’ll be honest, I am fat, and when I try things on, it does make me look fat…. Because I am. But Becky is looking for reinforcement that she’s not a complete toad. Because fat equals ugly, dirty, gross, disgusting and any other negative connotation.

It’s the same way that at my High School prom, we were in a parking lot after dinner waiting to get into the limo and a car of boys drove by and shouted at me “Holy shit, I didn’t know they made dresses for Whales.” And then everyone in that car laughed. It’s okay to poke fun at fat people. Well no, it’s not okay, but it’s socially accepted a lot more socially accepted than if someone were to yell a racial slur to someone.

Because again, racial issues are wrong and it’s not okay to discriminate based on age, race, sex, and disability. Except, you can totally be discriminated against if you’re fat. I’ve experienced it on numerous occasions and it’s not right. Because I would rather my child, my friend, or my family member be fat than to feel shame for what they look like and who they are. I would rather them be fat the getting caught up in an eating disorder that destroys their body from the inside out. And that brings me to another term I learned...Thin Privilege.

Thin privilege is knowing that when you go into a restaurant you can be seated anywhere because you don’t have to worry if you’re going to fit comfortably, because you just do.

Thin privilege is flying on a plane and not having to worry about being being bumped from the flight because the standards in which people are sardine'd into fit doesn’t equate that your ass might take up more space and because of this, they reserve the right to make room for another paying customer, because skinny money is better than fat money.

Thin privilege is being able to enter almost any store and find something to wear that isn’t an accessory and not having to pay outrageous amounts of money for it, if you don’t want to. It’s also not being shoved into a muumuu because that’s what makes the public less uncomfortable when they see you.

Thin privilege is not having to get to class 20-30 minutes early for fear that the seat you can fit in will be a massively large wooden desk at the front of all the other desks drawing more attention to yourself than you already intended. It’s the idea that if you get there earlier, you can situate yourself in the back not because you want to avoid being called on or caught texting, but so that no one else will notice how your fat seems protrude over the desk. Or how uncomfortable you are.

Thin privilege is not being judged by other people when you go out with someone who is considered more attractive than you. Because anyone in their right mind would never date a mammoth, now would they?

And on that note, thin privilege is not being compared to an animal of gigantic proportion on a daily basis.

Because no, I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat, kid and despite what your ass hole parent says, I like me, and its okay to make eye contact and say hello. Because, no, I am not going to sit on you or eat you, the thought never crosses my mind. Ever.

I’d like anyone I cared for to be comfortable enough in their own skin that they didn’t feel shame because they were over weight. Or fuck, even underweight. And one of the best compliments I have ever received was “your vanity is rubbing off on me.” Because everyone should feel good about themselves no matter WHAT they look like. And no one should have to starve himself or herself because no, skinny does not taste better than food, and if it does, eat some better food and educate yourself on what delectable things there are out there for you to try. Like a cupcake.

We need to realize that being fat does not equate you to being unhealthy or gross. And you cannot tell if a person who is fat is unhealthy just by looking at them. The end. Being fat doesn’t tell you if a person is a homicidal maniac. You don’t know what they eat, how often they get exercise, whether or not they like blue or pink more. What you can tell is, they have more fat cells.

I cannot stress this enough, being fat is definitely not the worse thing you could be.