That's Me In the Corner, That's Me In the Spot Light...

I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.

I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.

People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.

Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)

More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.

I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)

Can I move all my friends here?

That

I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.

I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.

People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.

Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)

More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.

I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)

Can I move all my friends here?

It just got serious

I was in love before, but now I think it just got serious.

I got a text from my friend Katie saying “remember to come back.” I laughed when I read it, because surely I would come back, and now I’m sitting here wondering how I didn’t get out here sooner.

Jake took me to NYC last night, and can I just say, that was probably the BEST birthday gift ever?! I mean, I almost wet myself just seeing the skyline from the window of the airport, but at night. Wow. That city really doesn’t sleep! – We didn’t even get there until 11 PM and it was still busy as hell.

The culture, the differences were just, it was almost like shell shock.

So we ate at this place called Yum Yum Bangkok, and I have to admit, I only picked the place because of how ridiculous “Yum Yum” was. When we got there, I ordered and Iced tea, she mumbled something to me about Thai tea, and I thought, sure Thai tea sounds uh, like every other tea….It wasn’t. It was orange…. But it was good, it took a few sips to get used to the idea that I wasn’t drinking like, ice tea that I expect from Arizona and all, but it was good. New favorite drink for sure.

So that leads me to the menu – I didn’t understand one bit of it and it was all in English, so I found the noodle part, because Hell, I’m a fat kid, anything with noodles has to be good right? I kid you not; I just pointed at the menu at some random thing and said “that sounds good.”

And it was.

Ashley wasn’t joking when she said the skyline was the best at night. It was FABULOUS. Yes I said fabulous, speaking of fabulous, do you realize how many gay guys live in NYC? Good-god it would be like a “Fag-Hags” dream. – But they were dressed well.

After NYC, Jake took me to his old “hood” and uh, that’s not a hood. That was beautiful. The houses, the streets (did I mention everyone drives crazy out here? And white lines are more of a suggestion…) everything. It was all so pretty. And FYI – The beach I was at last night (5 minutes from his “hood”) had better sand than any California or Oregon beach. It was 10x softer, and the water was actually warmer than Oregon’s icy water in June.

How I’m going to get on that plane Monday morning; well… Guys, I’ll be seeing you….

Or maybe I won’t?

Hey, you’re supposed to do anything for love right?

P.S – I still love Chicago Pizza more!

“YES! I have a pimple.”

Disclaimer - This post my be more information than you might have wanted to know.

I never thought I’d wake up and go “YES! I have a pimple.”

Does anyone even do that? Because I totally did. I guess I should rewind a bit and fill you in on the acne case. I have rather decent skin, usually void of any pimples of any sort until about 2-3 days before I start my period, in which case my chin or forehead turn into a planetary solar system of dots, usually the red throbbing I-have-my-own-heart-beat kind.

So Saturday morning I wake up and feel my chin, there’s a pimple, while it doesn’t hurt, I think it could be in its early breathing stages, so I shriek in joy “YES FINALLY!”

Thinking that I will get my period.

And that leads me to point B of this story. In about nine days I am leaving for a vacation trip in which I will be seeing a guy I am rather fond of, I intend on doing things of a questionable nature with him, but I fear nature may step in and laugh at me instead by causing the red sea to flow for 4 out of the 5 days I will be there.

This all explains why every time I go to the bathroom I eagerly await the spotting like a girl who thinks she may be pregnant does.

Anyone remember the movie where the Heart Is with Natalie Portman? I am reminded of a specific part when she had slept with someone and feared that she may be pregnant so she takes a test while at the town Library, and from behind closed doors you can hear her screams “YES OH GOD THANK YOU!”

I need that to happen to me within the next two to three days.

Anyone know of any voodoo magic I can do to get things moving along?

Ode to Green Tea (with raspberry)

I got bored, I was at work... I had to write this silly little poem

Oh green tea with squirts of raspberry,
How I love thee.
You quench my thirst
And make me smile.
You refresh my mind,
Slurp Slurp.
Mmm, good till the last drop.

Gasp! The last drop,
You come too soon
For the green tea that I love
(with raspberry)
Alone sits the ice, void of
My green tea paradise.
Damn you Starbucks.
Damn you.
- Jennie Marie

Paradise will be kind of a Library

So – I’m excited because I bought two new books today. I bought Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, as suggested by my lovely best friend Jessica. And impulses buy of another book because it was only 4.00 Have you Seen Me? By Laura Denham because it seemed interesting.

So I will be diving back into my bookworm world and submerging myself into the lives of the characters unfolded in each book.

Not to mention I’m working on First Person Plural by Cameron West PhD, however, this book is more of a one chapter at a time kind of read as I have a feeling it will be very similar to When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase which was actually the first book in my life to ever “kick my ass.” As it was a very tough read and extremely emotional, I don’t think one side of my brain wasn’t molested by this book. It was defiantly a mind-fuck.

Woo.

"When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story's voice makes everything its own" - John Berger

never good with the follow through.

And here’s the part where I think I may be overly deranged or unhinged, heartless bitch even.

I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”

Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.

So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?

Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.

I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?

Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.

Take a look, its in a book, its Reading Rainbow.

Every book is always the same. I rush to fall into the lives of these fictional characters. Detaching myself from the world around me and become part of the book, living and breathing the characters.

I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.

I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.

Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.

I need to make a change

How to say it like it is? Well basically I've been feeling less inclined to look at myself in the mirror. Less inclined to take photos of myself and even more so less inclined to be around people in a public setting.

In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.

Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.

And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.

And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.

I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.

It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...

Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?

And so it is, just like you said it would be

I laid there in the dark, my mind twisting over the fact that I had to be up in a few hours. The humid air, caused my hair to matte against the nape of my neck and forehead.

Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.

I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.

Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.

I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.

From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.

And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...

"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."

And yet, I still miss him.

Things That Do Not Fly Well With ME

I've had the fortunate and unfortunate experience with men. As I talk to quite a few, either in my daily life, or even on myspace and other chat programs (AIM/Yahoo.) and I discovered from this, that there are 5 GUARANTEED ways to make me go "ugh..." I don't think its THAT harsh of requirements.....

1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.

2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.

3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.

4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.

5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.


I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.

- Jennie

Guess Who's Excited...

Its me.

I get to go to NYC... I will be like 30-40-50... Erm, Close enough to NYC on my birthday and it will be freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I am 12 kinds of excited.

My friend Laura (who btw ROCKS! and will be getting beach sand) booked my flight for me, since they were rather cheap (210 RT) and I will be forever grateful to her because Yea, I've always wanted to go to NYC....

And, I get to stay with someone who's kind of awesome. YAY!

AND I get to and Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Tennessee to the list of states I've been to, and my goal is to have been to all 48 contiguous states by the time I'm 40...

So far...

Arizona
California
New Mexico
Texas
Missouri
Illinois
Kentucky
Oregon
Nevada
Indiana

Woo hoo!

School may be out, but I'm still thinkin' about it.

I'm trying to go back to school, but now that I'm heading back (or attempting anyway) I've been doing some research and trying to figure out what exactly I want to attain degree wise.

First of all, thanks to my past job, I realized how heavily into marketing and the entire advertising concept. Well, Palantir (high school newspaper) is responsible for the advertising bit. But I remember going to different marketing meetings at Intuit and thinking "whoa, I should do this, I could totally see myself doing this kind of job." So thats kind of a different side of me, that I don't think many people were aware of.

Marketing Degree

-Pros-
It's something I could honestly see myself doing.
I'd learn quite a bit (I like learning)
Its actually a high paying field if you get in right.
It's completely different from what people would think I'd want.

-Cons-
- Theres about 8 math classes required.
- Plus the 2-3 that I will have to take to get up to regular math standards.
- That is a lot of math...
- I hate math...
- I could end up working for K-mart.

Arts Degree with a concentration on Photography
We've all seen what I do with a camera....

- Pros -
- Its Photography.
- There would be a lot of art type classes.
- Its less grueling.
- If I play my cards right, I could be in a pretty exciting career.

- Cons -
- Art degree majors go on to work at Michaels.

Journalism
Radio Fascinates me however, If I were to do print journalism, I'd want to have to do with more page layout and design than writing/reporting.

- Pros -
- I could go for an audio/video journalism degree
- Could mean a career in Radio. (I've always wanted this)
- Or Behind the scenes for a TV station. (The perks could be good)
- I loved journalism in H.S

- Cons -
- I really can't write THAT well.
- I could get stuck never working in radio
- I could go on to work at Wal-Mart

So the choices are there, and now I'm looking for your input....

Do I go with a marketing degree, with a photography minor. Do I go with just the art degree, or do I go Journalism, and pursue a career in radio.... Because either way, I'd be happy with any of these degrees. I'm looking for the some input from people who aren't me, because they might see something I don't and know something I don't....

So what should I do?

A Poem.

I am the asshole.

I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.

I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.

I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.

I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.

I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.

I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.

I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.

Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.

20 things I've learned lately.

Within recent and non recent events I have noticed the true meaning to cause and effect. For every action, there is a reaction. As so, a single butterfly's wings fluttering could cause something outrageous to happen clear across the world. The butterfly effect.

From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.

In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.

1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.

"Save Me From The Nothing I've Become"

It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm up and ready to go... why? Because I've been sleeping entire days away.

I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.

My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.

Conversations generally go like this:

Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)

I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.

Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?

And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.

I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.

I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.

It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.

Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.

She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.

Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.

make believe, close your eyes..

You know what I hate about myself? that I actually allow myself to get my hopes up. That I allow myself to like people enough that it really bends me out of shape if I don't see them.

I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.

Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.

I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.

I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.

I'm not that girl.

I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.

So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.

"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."

What hurts most....

So yea, I hate the fact that I have feelings and that peoples actions make me jealous/upset/pissed off/Irritated/Depressed/Forgotten.

I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.

I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.

I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.

I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.

Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."

Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.

I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."

and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."

I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"

I'm a fucking loser.

And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"

The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.

Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.

Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.

Everything.

How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.

The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"

And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.

I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...

Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Don't know how else to say it....

Can we say frustration much?

Seriously.

I've been trying hard not to totally explode on people and just unload every thought and emotion I have about whatever is bothering me because really, who wants to listen to someone's troubles? Not very many people and if they do listen they give these reject responses that do nothing by make me more frustrated. But then thats probably my own fault, of course.

There are so many things that are just irritating the hell out of me and if I try and get someone to listen to me vent, I just feel bad for even opening my mouth and question why I even feel the way I do.

Am I just an uptight person?

Or do I just suck THAT much to be around, that people can't really even make plans to hang out. I guess when I say I want to talk, really I don't want to talk I just want to do something that takes me mind off of all the shit thats going on in my life.

Rents due, and not to be a total jerk, but I'm willing to bet that my roommate doesn't have her share. I do, even though I just got laid off, I have the money for that. We got our first months phone bill, thats more than I expected it to be and neither of us have a job.

Is it sad that I think I'll have a job before my roommate gets one? Because she hasn't been working for two weeks....I get worried and frustrated because I'm the only one paying for anything. Money is coming up missing and so is a lot of my stuff and if it isn't missing its broken, and if its broken, of course I don't get told unless I happen to stumble upon it.

I expect people to be grown up about things, but apparently thats asking too much. Just like me asking for solid plans from people is too much. They can't ever say "yea, We'll do this" because they want to leave the door open just in case something better comes along... Because apparently I'm not worth it.

Please, reject me some more because I don't already feel like the worlds biggest reject. I can't even use my own god damned judgment to pick something good, I always end up picking the wrong thing.

Feeling fucking fantastic.

If my past is any sign of my future.

So after a bizarre dream I had last night I woke up with my brain already drilling me with questions and thoughts.

It could be the stresses I already have with current life situations that I have a habit of putting myself in out of my lack of judgment or ability to have poor judgment.

What kind of reject am I if someone with major problems doesn’t even want me? Its like, if I can’t get the hinky one eyed reject, what makes me think I’ll ever get anyone better?

I’ve thought about how I try to hold on to relationships that I have for whatever stupid reason, and as I think back on them, I wonder to myself why?

I’m pissed off that people can fall in love with “glorified” personas of me, but not me.

Am I that so unhinged that the only thing I can attract are weirdoes who just want me for sexual reasons? - don’t get me wrong I like sex, I just like it more with meaning, Yea, I’m such a girl for that reason. Heaven forbid I want to be seen as more than a sex object.

Do I have a sign that says “Use me” – I’m tired of allowing myself to be such a doormat to people.

Must work on that.

Also, Quote of the Week:

“When people talk behind your back it’s because you are too much of a coward to know the truth and turn and face them and stand up for yourself.” – Myself

(I may have jumped the guns on my blatant and retarded post before.)

I must be fine cause my hearts still beating

So I got my IPOD, its freaking amazing. I’m slowly but surely getting all my CDS transferred onto it and it excites me. It makes work go by much quicker. It’s more tolerable.

Down side, it came with 1000 awesomely cool classic rock songs and I was totally psyched. And then when I was trying to add my own music, I totally deleted all of the songs that were on there.

I was bummed.

So yes, I feel like I’ve entered the 21st century... FINALLY.

Don’t look down, you’ll fall down, you’ll become the sacrifice.

So I guess, I’m happy. Is that okay for me to say at the stage in my life that I am in?

I mean sure I have something’s that upset me, and are making things a bit harder, but I’m generally happy.

I realized this when I was at work, and I was thinking about how much I smile more at work, and how I’m actually happy to be around people and such.

I realized that certain situations I had put myself in, in the past weren’t making me happy all around. It wasn’t just affecting my home life, but my life inside of work. I was never a smiley type. If someone asked me how I was, I was “okay,” I guess now when people ask me how I am I’m usually “great” or “good” which is way better than “okay.”

I’m very content. I love my new place, even the location isn’t THAT bad, or at least I haven’t noticed. Things are going well. My roommate makes me laugh on a daily basis, it’s like we live together and it’s not just us living in the same house. We actually converse there are few texts – unless of course we’re being silly. We hang out. We’re friends. I don’t feel like I’m “intruding.” Its Fantastic. It’s like I was living alone, but I have someone to talk to... best of both worlds.

Another thing I noticed was I was happy from the start of this. Previous situations I was feeling awkward had the sense that it wasn’t going to be right.

So yay for being happy!

Before you call a technical support line..

Before you call a technical support line, here are 20 things you should know.

1. Do not yell at us, we don’t care. In fact, we’re less likely to assist you if you are yelling at us. Didn’t your mother ever tell you yelling never solved anything? And if you do in fact insist on yelling or being generally rude, you are SO getting a time out. (I.E we will disconnect the call and you can “think” about what you did while waiting another 30-40 minutes for someone to answer the phone... We don’t suggest you continue yelling when the next agent answers.)
2. Do not use the “Puff Up” tactic. – Again, we don’t care. You can be Prince Ali Ababa, and we really don’t care. If you would like to inform us that you are Doctor James Johnson, Fantastic, you spent a lot of money on a title that really won’t do much for you when you call a technical support number. Maybe in your little “club” will you get recognition, but here... you are the same moron calling in for help just like every other peon person you disregard on the street.
3.Please do not waste my time by telling me what you had for breakfast or who you saw at the store.
4. If you have annoying pets (birds, yapping dogs, children...) Please lock them in a closet, the basement, the attic or put them outside before you call. Thank you.
5. Your attitude problem will not get you better results.
6. Speaking to our supervisors 9 time out of 10, will do NOTHING but have you waste someone else minesweeper time to get the same answer that we just gave you.
7. Your petty little “competitor threats” mean nothing to us. Maybe in the sales retention department would they care, however, you are calling technical support, there for you are causing us to work, and to actually not have conversations with co-workers. So if you decide to switch to the competitor because of something we cannot control like how the Bank of America website isn’t allowing you to click a link and you’ve called Fast Tax for assistance, you made the wrong call buddy, not me.
8. This goes along with number one, remember, you are calling me for help, treat me nice, and I will assist you. Treat me badly, and your question may or may not be answered.
9. Because we are technical support, does not mean we can fix other peoples errors and if we can, we probably wont, because that’s not our job (i.e. if windows is having a problem and giving you an error message, call Microsoft... not FastTax)
10. Please do not eat while talking into the phone, your slurps and gurgles are gross.
11. On that note as well, please do not talk to use while you are in the bathroom, when we here the toilet flushing us, we instantly want to release your call and set you back into the 40-50 minute wait you just had.
12. Don’t tell us how many years you have used this product, we probably weren’t with the company back then, and if we were, we wouldn’t be answering the freaking phone.
13. If you are on hold for a long time, chances are we are really busy, do not complain about the hold time, we’re just as busy answering call after call... We get it. Theres a really long hold time, maybe if you would stop calling we wouldn’t have a problem now would we?
14. For the love of god, please do not call us if you have dial-up. Upgrade your technology, and if you can’t, why the hell did you move to the middle of Bumble feck anyway? – I guess that’s the price you have to pay for silence.
15. If you don't meet the System Requirement, don't call us and complain.
16. Please learn how to read.... Even the small print.
17. Learn how to enunciate words, mumblers will not be helped. – If you mumble, I may switch on “India accent” and then neither of us will be able to understand what’s going on.
18. If you do not know at least basic Computer 101, please hang up, take a class on computer usage, pass course with at least a B grade then call us back. We may require proof of passing grade. And yes, there will be a test.
19. I am the expert. Not your family or friends. You called me, not them.
20. If you cannot follow these guidelines within reason, you will not be assisted, because I will be forced to experience some "technical difficulties” when I hang up on your dumb @$$.

Things are looking “Grown up” for me

So, I moved into my new “own” place. I have a fantastic roommate who’s extremely cool and an awesome apartment, even though it’s slightly ghetto.

It’s a two story apartment where the living room and Kitchen are downstairs and both bedrooms and the bathroom are up stairs of doom – which means no drinking and walking up and/or down stairs. (Possible pictures to come?)

I spent 500.00 some odd dollars paying off some tickets I had on payment plans and I bought a 20 GB? IPod on eBay for 120.00 roughly, so I’m excited to get that.

I also get a home phone and internet connection installed on Friday. Things are looking “Grown up” for me.... It’s entirely too weird.

Wish me luck.

Pay Tribute to my "Husband's" band On V-Day

On this Valentines Day, I would like to pay tribute to a band that shaped my Tween and Teen years....

So Maybe I’m really lame, but every time I hear a backstreet boy song (like now) I get an odd retarded smile that spreads across my face like some sort of infectious disease.

Makes me go back to the days when it was okay that I would bust out the folding chairs and practice the dance moves to “As Long As You Love Me.” But rest assured I do not do that anymore, but that could be because I don’t have a folding chair... Yea, that’s the reason!

I love the innocence of youth, how a band can rule your world and create the best bonds ever. My friends from Junior High school shared the backstreet boy bond with me even if we were ridiculed by other kids. In fact, this bond didn’t stop in Junior high, some of us carried it into high school and we still weren’t afraid to show our Backstreet Pride, and I can honestly tell you right now I am still, at the age of 22, not afraid to show my backstreet pride.

I love their CD’s, (even if I look back now and think, ‘wow, those lyrics are such cheese!’) I love what they did for me as a band, I loved that I could invent pretend worlds in my head where I was marrying a member of the band and I love that it reconnected me with a friend I thought I might have lost.

The Backstreet Boys were my Beatles – because yes, the Beatles were a boy band, regardless of what you might think, and the Beatles were epic.

Happy Single's Awareness Day! - True to its Name

Why is it that if you are alone on valentines’ day you are all the sudden unhappy? Is it okay to be single and okay with it? Or is that just not allowed?

Are we (singles) supposed to be upset about not being in a relationship to share a day that was created by card and candy companies to raid us of our money?

I’m not really saying this as a disgruntled single person. I’m saying it because I had a conversation with someone and they were asking me about hooking up some people with some other people and I stated it’s not my job to play cupid. And apparently his question had bad timing because valentines’ day is tomorrow and I’m obviously supposed to be bent out of shape because of this.

I’m not at all concerned about tomorrow. I don’t care if I get a dozen roses, or a card, or a candy. I don’t care if someone decides to shower me with gifts that I will more than likely throw away or tuck away in a closet never too be looked at again. And Do I really need the chocolates? I’m already fat. So I think I’m good.

I’m comfortable with myself in the “situation” I am in that tomorrow will come and go, like any other day.

And for the record, I have TWO Valentines’... So was it really bad timing or just poor judgment and assumption?

“That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”

**WARNING** So, the guys may want to skip over this. Maybe even cover your eyes and go “la-la-la” Because this is about to take a turn. A turn I’m sure you don’t even want to go on. But if you read on, in all fairness, you were warned.

So there’s something about the female body that each month the insides pretty much have to purge itself, we all know this as a period. The End of a sentence... So as we all (Females) become aware of our cycles and the things our body emits, I can’t help but wonder, “That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”

I swear to god, I thought a clot was the size of a small child and that some how my body and rejected a vital organ in the midst of "spring cleaning" that just so happens to be a pain in the ass we lovely refer to as “aunt flo, coming for a visit" each month.

Seriously, as if pimples and back ache weren’t enough. Very funny God, Very funny.

Chicken came out of where?!

I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t as observant, maybe I didn’t have a lot of snot as a kid. But I have become acutely aware of how much I blow my nose. I apparently am FULL of snot, because I cannot go a day without blowing my nose. And Heaven forbid I cough while eating a food substance, because that’ll get lodged up my nose.

Not to be too graphic, but I totally just had a piece of chicken come out of my nose. That’s freaking gross. Why does my body do such odd things?

FastTax (the New LIFE!)

Does anyone else find it weird that I enjoy creating people with imaginary lives and taxes inside of my work’s program?

I mean I get genuine enjoyment out of creating these people and their own jobs and how much they paid and what kind of property they own. How many Kids (or deductions they’ll get. What kind of donations they did through out the year. It’s like playing the game of Life® with taxes.

Is that weird?

Simplistic

I'll make this short and sweet.


Fuck off.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't sweet.

A FastTax Employee Rant....

You’ve probably all heard the saying “Kids say the Darndest things”….

How about Customers say the darndest things? Because really…

I had a guy say to me (exact quote) "I'm working on my return, and it asked me to save a couple times, but I didn't because I wasn't concerned about my computer crashing. But then I installed the state and it restarted the program, where’s my data I entered?"

I’ve also had a guy ask me if underscore was one word or two, with that a co-worker just recently had a customer spell out the word underscore.

Another co-worker actually had a customer shout (and we do mean shout,) “YOU’RE A LIVE PERSON!” when he answered the phone.

And one time, though it was rare, I had a guy that I can assume was from India (at one point in time) based on the accent, actually say to me “thank god you’re in the united states.”

Furthermore, I just wish that customers would allow me to talk and not give me a novel answer. When I ask "Did you install the product onto your computer," a simple yes would suffice….

I don't need to know the computer's life story, nor do I need to know how you got into your car, drove to the store, picked up milk and FastTax and put it on your computer before you had dinner with your wife and her seven brothers and the neighbor down the street. Just saying yes, would have satisfied me.

And not to knock on accents but its Cal-e-forn-ya not Collie-forn-ya.

"Welcome to FastTax Land. We have Adventure land where you can take a cruise thru the jungle of red tape and tax laws as you fill out your tax form. There's Fantasyland where you can imagin what your tax refund should be. Tomorrow land where you can see IRS agents hardly working to screw-up next years tax laws. And finally there's Frontier land for those past tax returns you have not filed. Don't forget our popular rides of Pirates of the IRS, the Haunted Tax Return and the ever popular it’s a Small Refund."

I never wanted to be THIS kind of Vagabond

Reason number 453 on why my life is quazi-depressing at times.

The good news is I found a place and I'm moving in with my friend Taryna.

The only problem is that the place is not ready until the 15th of February, and I however have to be out on the 1st so I guess what I will do is rent a motel type place for two weeks and just keep all my stuff in there, which wouldn’t be so bad. Just seems like a rather gloomy approach.

Sort of gives me that “homeless” feel. Which granted, I more or less am after the 1st? I just never thought I would see myself in this position. This is the type of position my mother would be in, not me.

Move me round the sun...

So, I’d like to say I have something intelligent to talk about like the Dali Lama, perhaps the whole bush vs. the world controversy… However I don’t.

I really have nothing special to say hence the lack of updates, lack of posts.

There’s been a lot of drama going on in my life and to avoid what I usually do, which is get pissed type up some huge blog about how much I hate people and blah blah blah I’ve just avoided writing entirely to avoid feelings being hurt and following my normal route.

Because I’m improving myself, I’m growing as a person and learning to think before I act, what a concept eh? (Hey I said I was learning, I didn’t say it was an overnight success!)

So drama aside, I have some rather interesting news that seems sort of skeptical, but if all things work well I will be doing part-time work as a Photographer for a local photography company here in town that does events, little league, graduations and other things.

This to me is a good step in the right direction. I want to be a photographer and while I don’t want to actually do in town photography type stuff (Prom/Wedding/Senior Portraiture) I think this will help me attain my goal of becoming a free lance photographer for magazines in the entertainment business.

Breathe No More....

So…Lets just say in the near future my “friends” list will be getting shorter.

In other news, I have a scheduled photo shoot on Saturday, so I’m hoping I can produce some really good photos from that. More on the fashion end.

I’ve got two female models and a male model as well as a “make up” artist. So I’m pretty psyched about it.

It’s going to be the one thing that allows me to distress myself somewhat. I’m having a tough time with life right now.

Population Control.

I’ve discovered the reason why health insurance in the United States cost so freaking much. And why we (Americans) spend so much a year to stay healthy.

It’s very simple, Population control. People, who cannot afford to have health insurance or to stay healthy, die.

I have a bad tooth infection that’s run into my jaw/mouth and now it’s taking over my ear. Mutiny I tell you. I have the game of Risk going on inside of my face, which by the way is only on the left side of my face and as Jessica said, soon I’m going to have puss coming out my eye… But only on the left side… It’s like some one finally got hold of Russia… (Eddie fan’s will get that one)

I’ve taken “Pain Away” (combination of Acetaminophen, Aspirin and caffeine), “Non- Aspirin” an Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen from our Company First Aid Kit, to get rid of the pain, which FYI, isn’t working. I think by the end of this week my liver is going to flip me off and leave my body and I will have some kind of bodily malfunction and die.

Really, it’s all population control.

Its now... or... um.. Never?

I filled out the FASFA so that I can see if I can get loans and grants to go to school…. The plan is to be able to leave intuit in April, and go to school for may-august, then re-apply at intuit and work again, but also take courses and hopefully get them to work around school schedule….Don’t see why that wouldn’t work?

My goal is to stop being the reject without a college degree...

Martial Art of Bull Shitting.

There is one thing high school did for me… wait, it was more what a class did for me.

I spent 3.3 years on the Palantir Staff (High School Newspaper Staff) and having done that I will say it did a few things for me. Number One, It kept me highly trained in the art of bull shitting.

Each day for a two week period we would have little staff meetings or debriefing when each editor would stand up and go over the list of stories asking writers how they were doing on their assignments and if they were having any difficulties. And each meeting would go as so

Editor: How is your story coming?
Writer: “It’s almost done; I have one more interview, nothing big, just some last minute verification” Meanwhile that writer would be thinking “I have no idea, I haven’t even got a word on a page..:: gasp:: I’ve forgotten how to write!”

And then we had a 3 nights a week “work night” or what I refer to as Punishment for not getting your shit done. In these work nights, there was often a similar briefing on where locations, occasional inanimate object, becoming animate as someone hurled it toward their offender, the occasional cursing and death threats. Blenderizations (trademark Jess and Jennie) and Pizza, which brings me to the second thing I learned in Palantir, you CAN in fact O.D on Pizza and its probably best to skip your last period and hit up taco bell before coming in, as you have a grueling 3-4 hours of hell a head of you… …And the third thing I learned, advertisements serve as good leverage to getting free pizza.

It was these beloved work nights that the following conversation might occur for a writer:

Editor: Where is your story? It’s not on the computer?
Writer: "Story is done, I'm putting it on the computer today." :: Actual thoughts:: "Christ, I have to find 4 friends to get fake quotes from so I don't look like a total moron.....Now where did I put my cell phone? :searches pockets: Crap. Where did I put my pen? :: as pen sits neatly in hair used as a hair fastening device:: Does anyone have a crayon? Marker? How about electrical tape and scissors? I'll strategically cut out words and put them on...:: looks around finds envelope:: THIS!"

And thus, I learned the “Martial Art of Bull Shitting.” To be used later in life… trust me.

Say My Name, Please

It’s something strange when people actually use a persons name in a conversation for more than just addressing them at the beginning. Such as “Is Jessica there?” Rarely do people have conversations where intermittently they will speak the person’s name.

I have only known one person to do this and when he does, for some reason it sends shocks down the frame of my body.

It draws my mind to attention and it makes me smile inside. To hear or read my name written would be the vanity and the joy that it brings from the person that does this.

It’s a strange feeling that I get, and I wouldn’t say it’s all narcissistic of me (and no that isn’t a disease…. Or is it?) I imagine that if other people did it there would be the same reaction, but think about it. How often do people use your name in conversation? And Just thinking about it makes me realize the personalization that it gives.

I havnt anything to say

But I will say one thing...

Having cried myself to sleep last night and had twisting and tormenting nightmares, not to mention the numbing cold that caused my feet to ache...

And then today, the funeral, the sadness, the pain that I felt from this loss.

To the arguments with the roommates.

I forfiet.

How can I feel so broken, so lost, and yet still breathe and move each day? How do I even find the strength to move?

Fear.

I've developed a paranoia.

Forfeit.

Some advice, okay? Just don't point your fuckin' finger at crazy people!

I had a horrifying and appalling dream twice within a week, and each time it left me feeling gross, so gross I immediately had to take a shower… supporting the fact that I feel I might be insane and that there is something terribly wrong with me that alone I will not be able to escape.

She didn’t know it, but when she made the comment “you’re straight jacket crazy” and I made the defense, that straightjacket crazy meant that you were unknowingly doing things… Or as she put it “Straight jacket crazy is when you think you’re god.” But I had to I think to myself that she could be right, and that I am severely unhinged.

I guess, really, all in all I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even break down if I wanted/needed to... Like the more I think, and the more I read, the more I realize how much "help" I need, and I can’t even get it because I can’t stop working for fear of jail because of the situation I am.

In all reality I need a “vacation,” because I am more or less running off of fumes.

I need to be locked up in a little tiny room and observed because the things going on in my head are not right. I’m an emotional wreck, and I feel that one day I’m going to snap and then people will be able to call me crazy, and have it be true, because I will be sitting in a room, carving words into my arms and screaming uncontrollably for no reason.

I’m afraid of this.

So I hide my true self with smiles, and the visage that I’m strong, trying to fake strong might not necessarily be a bad thing, because they say, “fake it till you make it.” So if I fake it long enough I could be strong, or maybe I’d just be a pathological liar.

This isn’t your average “oh I stole money, I feel awful,” or “oh, I never graduated high school, I’m a fucking loser” type feeling to me. It’s a lot deeper, more emotional scars, haunting me. It’s that has happened to me, every little detail that I have never told anyone.

I cannot accept these things alone, I don’t have the power to accept them and move on, nor do I have the strength. These things that make me feel bad, feel gross, feel stupid, feel useless/worthless, lifeless; things I've never truly faced for fear of judgment.

My only driving factor at this point is fear. Fear keeps me running… and it wakes me up on a cold night, sweat dripping down my face; uncontrollably shaking. I feel like I’m in a capsizing submarine, and that I’m going to be sucked under by the fears that I have. Fear is my salvation and my executioner….

So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!

So, when it comes to people and how I interact with them I’m generally the first person to say exactly what I feel. If I don’t like you I will not hesitate to tell you, if I like you, you will know. If I have a problem with you, I will probably stop talking to you…but all in all, I will tell you what the problem is.

I find this completely ironic considering the type of person I am. I take what people think about me to heart, even people I don’t even know. And for what reason do I have to be torn by people who mean very little to me if they are unknown? Perhaps it’s my desire to be liked, which I can pretty much say that psychologically speaking comes from the years of mental abuse I received from family members. This isn’t to say that my family is horrible; it’s to say that I have been condition to think that I am more or less worthless.

Someone asked me why what people who I don’t know who said something about me would matter, and this was the reason I could come up with. Deductive reasoning said this is where it stems. In fact, I would have to say that my general feeling of self worth comes from the fact that I have been conditioned to feel the way I have. In side I like to think that I am better than the standards that have been set for me by others, and this of course is also in direct correlation to the standards I have for myself, perhaps why I am my own worst critic. Again this could also be in correlation to the artist inside of me striving for perfection, setting standards and goals that sometimes are not attainable.

And then I think that if I were to set a goal that was attainable that it would completely set me in a spiral backwards, perhaps I thrive on the negativity I have. That without it I would not know how to exist?

This brings me to something I have been thinking about for quite sometime which is the expected New Years Resolution.

I started thinking about this about 3 weeks before the end of the year. I didn’t want to do a resolution that I wasn’t able to keep. I didn’t want to have a cliché resolution like “I want to lose weight” because it’s only a matter of time before that resolution would fail, like they almost always do.

So I thought hard about what I love to do, and what I don’t love. And I came to the conclusion that my resolution was to be something different. I resolved to read more books and to learn more about things I don’t understand. I Love reading, so reading more would only be a good thing and learning about things I do not understand would help me with what I don't love. I do not like being clueless, I like to be able to carry on conversations about things and actually have knowledge about what I'm talking about.

Simple. Attainable. Perfect.

The connection it has between how I am in desperate need to be liked is because I know some of why I react the way I do, but not entirely, so If I study more and stop and think more about cause an effect within me, perhaps I will gain more knowledge so that in future events I will be able to make smart decisions and less decisions based on my emotions. It also coincides because reading will only help me gain more knowledge no matter what type of reading it is. There is always something to learn. It doesn’t hurt that the type of books/reading I am drawn to generally falls under the psychology category and that I am drawn to human interest type books.

So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!

Of recent events and other psychobabble nonsense.

I like how my thought process pans out and how I discover new words to broaden my vocabulary.

When I think of certain things, if I cannot find the word that I want to describe something I think of something similar to it and the thesaurus becomes my best friend. I am a sucker for finding synonyms’, a word I can barely say without some sort of speech tripping.

For example, I was having a discussion with my friend about how Saddam was hung and just my thoughts that hangings were so, old fashion, but I didn’t want to use those words precisely to describe what I thought of it. So I looked up ancient in the dictionary, then checked its synonyms, I found the precise word to describe what I thought about hangings. Archaic. This is a word that means of or relating to, or characteristic of a much earlier, often more primitive period. It was a perfect fit to describe my feelings towards hanging which I also included such ancient punishments as being plunge to death by a rock which is referred to as stoning.

I guess that I felt that hanging were a rather primitive form of death, not that I agree with the death penalty anyway (which is a far more in depth feelings of why or why not.) But I figure if someone’s going to be put to death it should be done by something that would be modern and up to date. Not to say that I want him shot to death by an oozy, but rather lethal injection might have been a less ‘archaic’ form of the death penalty carried out.

I’m a bleeding heart liberal so I suppose my compassion for humanity comes out here, I am all for justice, but I tend to lean towards a more empathetic side than rule by an iron fist.

I guess my thoughts on the matter are; what’s next 5 days in the stocks? Are we going to bring back dungeons? Or should we have just nailed him to a cross? Or are crosses reserved for those who will be considered our savior later on?

How to Rock Jennie’s World 101

So I went to a concert Tuesday night with my friend Laura to see a band I absolutely adore. It’s a Tucson/Boston local acoustic duo named Ryanhood with Ryan Green and Cameron Hood and I seriously love them. Think Beatlesmania… but less Beatles.

So before the show we’re waiting in line for tickets to what was supposed to be a sold out show but were told that there would be two separate shows if you didn’t get into the first show. As we’re standing there Cameron comes out and talks to a couple people in front of us, and then goes back inside, then he comes back out talks to some other people, at this point sees me smiles and waves then continues to talk to some people behind us, then, he walks by me, stops turns and says “Is your name Jennie?” at which point I pretty much died.

I think it’s silly that I have such a crush on this band that I actually got the butterflies. Its not like very many people that I know of have heard the band, but I just think they are amazing. So Cameron tells me thank you for being a fan and such and then I start babbling inconsistently and I look like a total dork. That’s okay, but my night gets better.

Tickets are sold out for the first show. Damn. So Laura and I go out for dinner and then come back for the second show. Finally we get in around 9:30 and the show starts roughly at 10:15ish, “opening act” kind of wasn’t something that imprinted my mind much; however the guest keyboard player was pretty good, that stuck out in my head.

We’re standing next to the backstage area of the stage and I see Cameron behind the curtains so I gesture for him to come over and he does and I ask him to play Born to Run To You because its absolutely one of my favorite songs. I love the lyrics (the writer in me is drawn to such things.) And he says, “Yea, we’re gonna play that because we didn’t at the first show.” So maybe it was good that we missed the first show?.

Finally Ryanhood came on and they play all the songs I love: old ones, new ones, a Beatles song and then as we’re coming to the end of the concert, born to run to you still hasn’t been played and I’m starting to lose hope in them actually playing it when all the sudden Cameron launches into a story about recording the song for the new album and how difficult it was. Then as I’m fiddling with my camera I hear “This is for Jennie.”

And then I died. I cannot even begin to describe these overwhelmed feelings of happiness… one might say I was extremely giddy and child like. It was like the backstreet boys craze all over again.

See people? It does pay to “observe from a safe distance”(read: Stalk) on myspace….

I might come off harsh?

So after a fantastic night (More on that later) I came home to a message in my myspace inbox from my sisters friend Kristin (who she has known since the 4th grade.) Normally, I would think nothing of it, however, this particular message was rather degrading towards me.. So I've decided to copy and paste the note I recieved, and then my response to it...


It would be nice to see a picture of you where your not posing for yourself and trying to look seductive. Just one....and the "heaven" blog...its a nice idea, but remeber that life is what you "make of it" too....and it's disheartening and unnerving to see JUST how you've responded to your current court situation and the outcome of that. Life is hard. You did something very wrong,...and it seemed that you resented that you got caught and had to face consequences....then on top of that, your not even grateful for having gotten off so easy. Your ONLY being ordered to attend...basically, a place where you can only become a better person if you'll open up your mind and get honest just a tiny bit. Self improvement rocks! Learning about yourself and how to be a better you....whats so bad about that? You CAN take something from EVERY session...just one thing....that can speak to you or change your life....but you've been unwilling from the get go. Its very, very sad. You have MANY issues that you need to work on before you are a healthy, stable person. Anyone reading your myspace could see that. These are only my opinions and I ONLY say something because I care. If I didn't, I wouldnt waste my time. Just about every time I read your blog or see a new picture, I wanna ring your pretty neck. There is so much more to you.....and you can be so fake and so frustrating sometimes. Just try a little honesty,openmindedness and willingness.....it'll get you a long way! Sorry if this seemes harsh ....call it tough love! Loves -Kristen

My Response:

To be honest with you, I'm not sure how to respond without saying fuck you, because I don't want to come off THAT rude...But I will let you know that What I do on my myspace is my business.

You know nothing of my health or the "situation" I am in... In fact, your opinion on my current situation means exactly dick to me, because I'm not sure you even know the situation.

Actually, I know you only know half the situation. You know the situation in which you were told/relayed to by my sister, who doesnt even know. Its all bias and one sided. I may have gotten off "easy" on the crime that was or wasn't committed, but as far as you know, I'm innocent.. unless of course you pre-judged me, in which case I might suggest you get help and go at it open mindedly to better improve yourself.

What I am doing may have been seen as "easy," but I can assure you it has NOT been easy. And thats pretty much all you need to know. Furthermore, if you actually took the time to READ you would actually see that I did say I learned something from the sessions at the "Circle Jerk."

In fact, I'm not sure where you are gathering your information that I am not taking this situation as a learn from it experience... Because I have not said one word about not trying to improve myself... and I would also like to add that I am also the one who exersised my ability to admit fault and apologize for any wrong doing, of course, you would that, if you had actually taken the time to ask me, instead you just pass judgement and went off on me as if you really knew "the big picture."

Furthermore, I pose for myself because to me, I am beautiful and my vanity is my vanity. I do not press it upon you. I do not make you look at the photos, you do that on your own. If you dont like it, don't look. Simple as that.

I take what I want because I like them. I know for a fact that I would not post a photo I did not like. So if a photo I take seems "seductive" or as if I am posing for myself, Thats because I am. Those are the pictures I like to take. I enjoy being/looking seductive. I enjoy posing for pictures, because in reality, thats all anyone ever does...

My heaven blog was more a thoughts after reading a book... It was not something set in stone, it was merely a analyzation of what I got out of the book and how I was connecting it to my thoughts...I am well aware that life is what I make it, but thank you for again reminding me, I appreciate that you took the time to assure me of such information.

Whats disheartening and unnerving is how you have responded to what has been relayed to you, making me seem like I am the only person who has ever screwed up. I admit, I have screwed up. I take full responsibility for my actions. But as I have said, you know nothing of what I am doing to "fix" my mistake, or the stuff I have to (or will have to) go through because I "got off easy"

So until you are truely able to see what is really there. I mean clearly see the whole picture (as you have suggested to me) I'd like you to keep your tough love to yourself, because if you knew anything of me, anything at all, you'd know that I can damn well give myself my own tough love without your overly opinionated, one-sided imput.

Thank you.

I'll see to it that your request for one "decent/unposed/un-seductive" picture is posted....

-----

I may have come off as a jack ass, but this girl knows exactly dick as I had explained. Her actions were unwarrented and quite frankly pissed me off... As if you couldn't tell.

Wow this did not turn out how I wanted it to....

Is it just me or is anyone else glad Christmas is over?

I had a good Christmas, it was decent…I was trying to think of my favorite present this year, and I thought of the list I got…

Lotions (bath and body)
Gift Card to Bath and Body Works (Pearberry here I come…)
Soft Socks in Pink
A Pink bear inside of a pink gift box (wicked cute and soft…)
Mp3 player (That I may have already broken, like a reject…)
Cook book (as if I cook…..)
Scarves (2 of them, one with matching hat and glove set…..which, I look like a smurf in argyle)
Silver heart Earrings (way cute)
Pearl necklace and earrings
Jack Johnson CD
Brothers Grimm DVD

So there’s my list. I’ve been over a few times and I guess I’d have to say my favorite gift was the Pearl necklace and earrings….

For the sentimental person in me when I opened them my first thought was “great I got the same thing as Cassie” (my sister) and then later I was explaining what I got to my friend Laura and it was like the moment I said pearls the thought came to me.

I’m going to put the necklace and the earrings away and save them for the day I get married since this Christmas marks a significant year in my life.

A lot of stuff has happened to me in this past year, most I would have never expected and some that I would have. Someone once told me 20 was the year you change the most, but I’d say, 22 was my year for change.

I feel so different now…

My realization for the year… I am touchable….Because I thought I was untouchable… that no one could break me…. And Now, I realize that I am broken…. Very very broken.

I am so broken that I actually had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. After many amounts of badgering from my family about my looks, from my hair to my weight to my arms to my piercings, I just broke down and cried.

My aunt was telling me how she knew how I felt, with the whole having a hard time finding clothes that look good and fit me right, which I responded with.. No you have no fucking idea what its like to be 22-years-old and having to dress like your 50 year old aunt because there isn’t anything stylish in your size.

She doesn’t have any idea how I have actually TRIED to lose weight but haven’t. So she suggests that I see a doctor about it, but then she wouldn’t know what its like to not have insurance, and when you don’t have insurance, your looking at paying until your dead in doctors fees. God help me not get the plague.

So maybe this is a poor-me rant, but I feel like I’m at a point in my life where no matter what I do, the pieces of me will never be put back together. I think that’s what some people call hopeless. I am completely hopeless.

So here’s to finding the super glue in 2007.

Rose By any other name could be a Weed….

So I'm doing an in-depth survey based on Employees at intuit.. (We have a company directory with pictures)

The hypothesis is: People can be attractive based on their names alone. Meaning, you can judge a persons attractiveness by the name they are given. This is not by any means a serious poll, however, I do have supporting facts below are just a few names I chose to survey….

My theory is that this survey could help people in the future when choosing baby names. If they would like their kids to be attractive, they will go with a more attractive name, and if they’re freaking retards, their kid's name will be Eugene or Frank.

FYI: Anything above 65% might be considered a good chance.

Matt: There were 13 people with the name Matt, Of the 13, only 4 were complete trolls. That means 70% of people with the name Matt are attractive. Thus I conclude that most Matt's are attractive.

Jennifer: There are 70 Jennifer’s' of that, 7 were not pictured and 17 were hideous.. However, that still means that based on the ratio of 63 Jennifers with 17 being trolls, 73% are still attractive. Meaning that most Jennifers’ are attractive.

David: There were 145 David's, and the first 20, 15 of them were unattractive; I cut that survey short and concluded that most David’s are hideous.

Jessica: Jessica's were at 22, with 2 not pictured, 6 of them scared me. Which means at 70% most Jessica’s could be considered attractive as well.

Andrews: refer to the David problem.

Derrick: Of the 5 Derricks employed by intuit, 1 of them was attractive. Thus I conclude that most derricks are complete trolls. Do not waste your time.

Mike: First of all, good amount of them need to take a step out of the 80’s with their hair… there were 46 Mikes, 5 of them not pictured, 20 of them were scary beyond all reason… and apparently intuit hires lumberjacks. So that means 51% of them were attractive… Ouch... Things are NOT looking good for the mikes out there.. And the Michaels…. I’m not even going to dive into that one.

Chris (Male): Of the 70 there were 11 not pictured (thus I can conclude that uh, Chris have the most not pictured issues.) and 15 of them were outrageously ugly. But that still left them at 74% of them being attractive… I conclude that most people with the name Chris are attractive (Males)

Elena: There were four of them.. This one was easy. 2 were attractive and 2 were no goes. 50% of Elena’s are attractive. So really it’s kind of like sticking your hand in a bowl of Piranhas and hoping that you don't get bit.

Laura: Let me take a moment here... there were 31 Laura’s. 5 of them not pictured. 9 of them were repugnant… and that left them at 65% of Laura’s being attractive, however, if we’re going on school standards, 65 is NOT passing, it’s a D… So we’ll leave it as that….Laura’s are D’s… and not in the bra size either… But hey High school says they’re “passing” So you can have a high school passing grade here.

Ashley: Well first of all… there were 3… and one was a freaking GUY! Ashley Fernandez! He wasn’t attractive at all, he sort of looked handicapped. So now we’re down to 2 Ashley’s and one of them was freaking not pictured. So I have declared that people with the name Ashley are attractive.

Grace: Hail Mary full of Grace…… or not… There were 7 Graces, and 2 of them were awkward looking. But that still leaves them at 71% of grace’s are attractive. So Good job, maybe Mary was full of grace, but I hear it was Joseph, virgin my ass…

Justin: Things were looking so good for the Justin’s of the world, however, they only came in at 58% and as we learned, that isn’t a passing grade…. I guess we’ll take this name as we did Elena...

Stay tuned… this study may be continued.

You've got Mail!

Its stuff like this that make my day much more entertaining and enjoyable, because Dang, my job would be boring without her.

E-mail Conversation as follows:

Jess: I’m so cooooollllldddddd make it stop. And I have Yeti legs that I thought that sheer hose would hide for some reason. Stupid. I’m waiting for someone to ask me how I found the fur-lined tights and do they keep my legs warm?

Jennie: :squeaklaugh: Oh my god,, where do you come up with this stuff?

Jess: In the f**ked up world that is in my head.

Jennie: Tell me more about this world…: sits, legs crossed, gets a notepad, puts on glasses and folds hands in lap strategically still holding a pen in folded hands:

Jess: Well, in my world, I am the queen. I have a co-ruler named JennieTheKoala, and we rule our land with an iron fist. We have boys as slaves and libraries everywhere. Also, in my world you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. There is no salad in my world. In fact, it’s outlawed… We don’t believe in the death penalty except in certain instances, like bending the spine of a book or defacing a cover…. Oh yes, and in my world, disrespectful boys are made to work in the salt mines until they shape up and show us the proper groveling technique

Anyway… Song List lately has included more that 1 song that I want to hear repeatedly…The songs are as follows… They (the songs) are good. Those are my song recommendations for the week.

Far Away - Nickelback
My Little Girl – Tim McGraw
Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
Hate Me – Blue October
If everyone cared – Nickelback
Lips of An Angel – Hinder
Wake up – Coheed and Cambria
Savin’ Me - Nickelback

Yes, it is true... I have nothing exceptionally cool to write about.

Big City Dreams: Audience Participation Please :)

So Jess and I were talking (John and I do this a lot) about places we would like to live and she asked me if I would ever live in California, so I made a list of places I considered acceptable places to live. Then she asked me why, so I jotted down my reasons and here we go…

NYC - Because I want to photograph it. I want to live the NY state of mind (if I don’t already) I want to be the fashion ad... etc. Dreams/hopes/wants/ Beautiful Architecture, A lot of history nearby.... its NYC...

Chicago - LOVE the City. Love the buildings. I know the area. I have family here. I looked like a Garfield car cling when we drove through it the first time *splat*

Los Angeles - I love the beaches along the coast here. I like Hollywood. I know my way around. I like the weather, and what’s around it.

London – It’s not America. I love British Culture. Fashion. Music. Historical reasons…again.

Somewhere in Italy – Preferably a small country area (think Under the Tuscan Sun) Because I want to be somewhere I can be free, to write, think, live, breathe. The city girl in me also is a lil bit country…

San Francisco - “The City”.. I “know” a photographer in the area; I want to be able to take the pictures he takes. It’s beautiful up there.

Seattle – The only response I can give for this choice is a song lyric by garbage…. “I’m only happy when it rains.....”

Boston - It’s not far from NYC, Also in a historic area. Coastal. Canadia is not to far and it’s not far to visit other states.

New Jersey - Close to NYC, Coastal, Good music scene, not far from Philadelphia and D.C. (Historical reasons again)

Phoenix – Oddly enough, I would live here. It’s close to family but still in a city-like atmosphere. Its 2 hours to the “country” and like 6 hours to a beach. The weather sucks, But Hey, That’s what air conditioning is for right? And I have to admit, I have a small soft spot for Arizona…. Even if it is Dante’s Inferno.

As you can tell, I live a very expensive life in my head. I dream big city dreams…

So I guess, I’ll make this an open forum Blog Posting…

What are your top 5 Cities (if you could live ANYWHERE) where would you live… Give me the Cities and why. I don’t want countries. I want specific places and reasons if you will.

All the tension, wait for the call..

Is it wrong for me to be upset that my “best Friend” goes to her boyfriend before she goes to me about stuff? Especially when I have known her longer?

I ask this because, a friend of mine is dealing with a trauma in her life, one that I can relate with quite well, the passing on of a grandfather, not only can I relate as I lost my own grandfather who I was very close to, but I was also quite close to said friend’s family.

I guess I just find it almost insulting when I get messages from the boyfriend telling me to call her, but not tell her he told me that she needed me. My theory is, you have to tell me if you need me, I can’t read minds. And I have not once turned her down when she said “I need you” for any reason. That’s the type of friend I am, I almost always bend over backwards for a friend.

I want her to know she isn’t alone, and I have brought the thought/idea up to her about her coming to me instead of the boyfriend, or before the boyfriend, she just kind of shrugged it off. It hurt me.

“All the clouds oh they're gray I'll stay if you go away Concrete, tall as the sky movement, passing me by and the blush what a rush reminisce cold crush, next door, ear to the wall, all the tension, wait for the call..” - Behind Blue Eyes (cover) - Limp Bizket

...All by myself I need to get around this...

So I got word Sunday night that I needed to be out by the 1st of January…. A lot of time that left me. I know I don’t have the money for the move in fees and first months rent on a place. So I hit panic mode. This for me is a little different from what it used to be… So instead of throwing myself on the bed/floor and sobbing uncontrollably and thinking worse case scenario, I now sob uncontrollably while trying to find a solution.

So that’s better Yeah?

I found a solution, well I have a friend who was gracious enough to allow me to move into his place this weekend so I can just get out of the place as soon as possible and then be rid of Jamie and her issues. Thank God. It is going to be a bit more than I pay now and my only new concern is how I’m going to pay it. I have the money; I just won’t have much for Christmas presents. Granted I have like 2 more I have to pay for, if I give the full 450 out of my next check I will only have 410.00 leftover and that has to pay for gas/food/cell phone and Christmas….. This is how it will break down.

- Payout -
Rent: 450.00
Gas for car: 100.00 for two weeks
Food for two weeks (for just me usually): 80-100.00 (max, usually only 50 for two weeks, I just put aside 80-100.00)
Cell phone: 80.00
Court Ordered Program: 100.00

Totals: 830.00

Paycheck – 860.00

That leaves me with 30.00 for Christmas… NOT good. So uh, that’s some stress on my mind. I don’t know what to do about it at this point. My Next paycheck after Dec 22nd will be January 5th. So we shall see how everything pans out. Wish me luck that I don’t sink.

I miss some people…. A little more than I should, two people in particular.

And I’m finding myself falling for someone…Crap.

In my heaven...

“Inside the snow globe on my father’s desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect at on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said “Don’t worry Susie; he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world.’”

I just started re-reading The Lovely Bones; I like how the author Alice Seabold perceives heaven.

It’s an interesting idea. She describes heaven as when you die you go to place and in that place is what you make of it. And in these heavens you share a place with someone who might have similar interest as you do. Like Susie, meets a girl who likes dogs, so in both of their heavens, they have dogs.

Also, in the book there’s a line about a teacher's daughter who died of leukemia.

“His daughter died a year and a half after I did. She had leukemia, but I never saw her in my heaven.”

It made me think that if there is a heaven, is it much like described here, where things you love appear. And if so in my heaven would there be a massive ocean and an amazing camera. Would there be things for me to photograph? But then no one would see and it would seem that endless amounts of creativity would finally be at my finger tips in my heaven, and no one would see them.

And would I see people who I had loved or known in my heaven? Would it be just like that? Would it be like they say where you join loved ones in heaven, because in the book it took a few years before Susie was reunited with anyone in her heaven? Well except her dog, he came as soon as he died.

So, in Susie heaven it had other girls that were murdered in it. Would that mean that girls who had the same death trait as me that we would share a heaven and had I been murdered would I want to have a heaven like that?

I love the speculation of this idea, and the images that the author created with in the book. Not to mention how much the book draws me to it. I enjoy it a lot, hence reading it for a third time since it came out.

In my heaven, there will be massive amounts of books… I know this much is true.

"All you have to do is desire it, and if you desire it enough and understand why -- really know -- it will come."

........wtf

I am having the WORST day for emotions... worst.

That is all.

Label Whores: This Bud is for Me... Not you...

With my last rant about my size behind me, I would like to inform everyone I found a fantastic dress that makes me feel pretty. So this is all well and good.

Which got me on the topic of fashion, and how I look back on pictures of me from when I was younger and you would have never pegged me for the fashionista I am now…In fact, you might even be discouraged and think, my god, don’t let that women dress anyone.

But for the past year and a half I have had friends tell me they love certain things about my make up and or style, and that they wish they had it. And I kept thinking, you mean “lack of style?” Because it doesn’t take much to have a lack of style…

But I guess I consider myself rather fashionable, I mean after all I am the friend that people call to take with them because they can say "I like this skirt/pant find me something to go with it" and with a matter of seconds I have them going "wow I look amazing.”

A talent I think? But I’m also good at being CHEAP and fashionable. Meaning I can accessorize too. I can make pretty much anyone look good, except myself. Why is that?

Probably just suffer from being my own worst critic.

In any event, it also brought to my attention the fact that there are some people who are label whores and not even in a good way. Just because you have a purse from Dior, doesn’t make you “cute” in fact, it just meant you spent 500.00 on something that’s going to get beat up, have make up spilled in it, and start reeking that “purse” smell, and you’re wearing clothes from target…

What? Why?

If you are going to be a true label whore I expect you to be wearing clothes that fit your hips, contrary to popular belief, mushroom top is not in (aka, your flab hanging out the sides of your pants because they’re ill fitting.) Instead, I expect to see you wearing Guess® jeans and coordinating Guess® shirt, Perhaps some Chanel® sunglasses and then maybe you can carry your Dooney and Burke® purse around and be a true label whore.

But even still, I will want you to die because contributing to companies like that is fucking stupid, when you could have saved your money and bought something cheaper that looks the exact same. But you’ve done it all for the sake of “being cute.” And you even failed miserably… very few can pull this off… very few.

Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty, doesn’t mean it does not exist.

I exploded on my friend john about my feeling about my size, which is really something I don’t do. I never complain to guy friends about how fat I am and how it really disturbs me and makes me so upset almost to the point of tears.

But with the holiday season coming and the need for somewhat formal attire for the company party, I couldn’t help but break down. I’ve been so stressed and depressed about it and when I went to get what I thought would be the perfect look, I was only let down. So I bought a substitute outfit, and it’s not really making me feel any better.

So I exploded on him about how I feel so freaking frustrated with myself because I look the way I do. And its really not looks, it’s just that I cannot find ANYTHING that cute for someone my size. If I shop in the plus sized boutiques, they have grandma-esque clothing and I don’t want to wear leopard print with some sort of floral combination. It’s not very pretty. I just would like to find a dress that looks good on me, or decent. I get that I’m fat and I’m not going to look like Avril Lavigne in a dress, but damn it clothing company’s give me something to effing work with.

Or is that my punishment for being fat? That I cannot be stylish? That the clothing provided for me will just be total shit. Is that supposed to be the drive to make me lose weight? Because it’s not really working, it just makes me want to kill someone in the fashion industry that decided safari print was a good thing for bigger girls.

Well, Thank God For Tests and Alcohol eh?

So hey, I was all worried that I might be pregnant. But I'm not. Thats awesome. I really didnt think it was possible since like, the conditions of the "sex" I did have would lead me to think I could not be. But I was awefully sick for a week straight, very mimicing to "morning sickness."

So I tested...twice. And the results were negative. So it must all be from stress.

Speaking of Stress, its been causing the "normal headaches" all to often. I used to have a headache daily. But, I've been trying to steer clear of medications, I used to be so dependant on Ibprofren or Tylenol. I rarely went a day without taking at least 10-15 pills (which is NOT good.) I just couldn't stand the pain, so I tried to numb myself from it.

But the headaches are back and the "smart" person inside of me has decided the best cure is to drink some alcohol until you pass out... Yay for cheap wine.... Well, that and I might like the taste...Hopefully this does the trick. I'm also trying the caffine approach in hopes that when I wake up, the headache will be *poof* all gone.

I have a photoshoot tomorrow. Mostly just taking some christmas photos for a couple friends and their babies.

I hate leaving the house because it makes me think of all the money I dont have. And leaving the house cost money...in gas... And thus keeps me stressed.

Hopefully when I get paid friday it will be enough to elevate some of the pain.

Damn, peanut butter toast sure tastes good.

Can you get the plague from loving someone "too much"?

We become accustom to certain things in our lives that when they are gone, it feels as though the world might collapse, or at least it’s a ditch in the road where we might feel a little bit helpless.

Sleeping next to him made me realize the comfort that he brings me from his presence. And I chastise myself for having these feelings about him. I get so angry at myself. I feel as though I am torturing myself by having these feelings. Because these feelings will never be returned, but some how that is okay with me, and I hate that. It’s this unconditional love that says, “Even though you do not love me, I will love you for every imperfection, every thing you say and the things you don’t say.”

Love truly is blind and it makes me sick.

But then I think, is it really that pointless for me to feel the way I do about him? I am almost positively sure that it is. But some how cannot stop, even against my better judgments. This, I feel, makes me weak because I cannot resist the power of comfort.

I remember laying there the other night wrapped in the blankets, his mouth near my ear, his arms around me, and one hand rubbing my side. The comfort he brought me, by just being there. How his touch soothed me as I laid curled up; listening to each inhale and exhale, feeling the warm of this breath against my neck and ear, thinking to myself, I could do this everyday. If I could wake up like this, how much better my life would feel. Does he feel the same?

So why did he call me that night? He’s never just called me out of the blue. The hopeful side of me thinks, maybe he likes me more than he lets me know, would it even be possible for this to be true?

“But we both know the worst part about it, is I would be free if you wanted me, if you wanted me…”

He wrote the words that would pierce me with claw-like precision.