She frustrates the hell out of me. I wish she would just learn to talk to me like my aunt instead of the college professor. I can have conversations, I don't have a problem talking to anyone but her. Why? Because she judges every word that comes out of my mouth. Every action I do, is scrutinized by her. I may be defensive when I respond, but its only because she has said something to cause me to be defensive. I wish she would just take a step back and stop trying to change me.
Or maybe I work better not being part of a family. Maybe I should just leave and go back home and continue my life that I had, and just deal with school later when I don't have to answer to someone daily. It's what I'm used to. I'm sorry, at 23 should I even HAVE to answer to anyone? I'm not seeing anyone...And even then, I wouldn't answer to them but more along the lines share my life with them, allow them witness and vice versa.
It's not the same when you live with your aunt who is a college professor and thinks she should have control of everything. I may be a broken person but I am still a formed person open to change when its something that is in the best interest of me. Not because someone else wants me to be a certain way.
I'm just so tired of all of these confrontations because I don't want to talk to her, or I don't want to be grilled by her. I just want to be left alone, thats how I work. I ask for help when I need it... I've learned that. Or...
Or maybe I'm doomed to forever be alone because apparently I cannot communicate.
Who the fuck cares how I want to live my life? I'm not hurting anyone.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Just cross my fingers, throw another nickel in the well...
Welcome to the Emo side.
I’m having a lot of set backs to moving here.. they’re mostly emotional and purely to the fact that I’m extremely lonely. I mean my aunts cool and all, but I miss the inside jokes between my friends and I. I feel like I’m missing out on everything that we used to do... Sort of like the little kid that doesn’t want to go to bed.
I started school today, It should be an interesting 6 weeks, the teacher seems pretty down to earth so thats good, my first thought was oh man she’s a bitch, but once she actually started talking that thought was totally thrown out the window.
I really don’t get my aunts thinking process all that much and its probably mostly just because I’m so used to doing things on my own terms. But since she controls the money its hard for me to get some things done without her... I guess I’m really just irritated that she blew up on me because I was sitting there this afternoon working on my Itunes and Ipod playlists and not doing what she probably thought I should have been doing. But it really irritated the crap out of me because she sitting there telling me I should be getting ready for class and making sure I paid for the course then going to the bookstore and getting the books for my class... and those are things she has to do since I do not have the $$. So I immediately get up to get the page up so that she can process the payment and when I get her she says “I’m busy taking a shower, I’ll do it later.”
In my mind I guess I would have just said something to me after the shower instead of going off on me about how I wasn’t doing anything to prepare for a class. In my mind I also knew what I was going to do. I was going to gather the things I needed (Pen/Paper) because I didn’t want to show up to the class with books I has just bought only to learn that we don’t need them. The buy back price is freaking ridiculous! As for paying for the course, I was going to do that as soon as I was finished with my playlist that I had to recreate, which probably would have been about the time she finished with her shower... Of course she couldn’t have known this, so I guess I can’t blame her. But I just wish she would give me some credit that I do know what I am doing sometimes, and these days if I don’t, I tend to ask for help... which is an improvement for me.
I’m just really upset about moving back to be told what to do. Not to mention I was under the impression that my room and board would be in the 300 range, not 500. I basically could have stayed in tucson and not spent the money for the ticket and moving out here if I knew that each month I was going to have to pay 500.00 to not have my own place or be able to do what I want....I payed roughly 500.00 month when I was in Tucson before i left... probably a little bit over... but not much.
A bit of an advantage for me is that I did get roughly 3000.00 in debt paid off my credit report... I have no debt now, just paid accounts, which isn’t really good, but its not that bad either... So that is good. The bad news is the 10k allotment that we all (Trustees) received is pretty much spent, and I still don’t have my own vehicle.
I had hoped to have had one within a few weeks of me being here, but at this rate it probably wont be until August/September before that happens. Which disappoints me because a car for me would be a bit more of freedom for me. I just don’t feel right taking my aunts car whenever I want to like I would if I had my own vehicle. Not to mention I’m back in a Ford Exploder... which I think could possibly be worse than Forest... In order to get out of the car, I have to roll down the back window and reach around to open the door from the outside, the radio works - but you can’t tell which station you are on, the lights on the dash are out, and the AC is broken, it just blows outside air in, which in this heat is quite.... muggy. Might as well roll the windows down... but I can’t roll down the driver window...which would actually make getting out of the car a lot easier.
But hey, I could be taking the bus?
But never the less, I still miss my friends...
I’m having a lot of set backs to moving here.. they’re mostly emotional and purely to the fact that I’m extremely lonely. I mean my aunts cool and all, but I miss the inside jokes between my friends and I. I feel like I’m missing out on everything that we used to do... Sort of like the little kid that doesn’t want to go to bed.
I started school today, It should be an interesting 6 weeks, the teacher seems pretty down to earth so thats good, my first thought was oh man she’s a bitch, but once she actually started talking that thought was totally thrown out the window.
I really don’t get my aunts thinking process all that much and its probably mostly just because I’m so used to doing things on my own terms. But since she controls the money its hard for me to get some things done without her... I guess I’m really just irritated that she blew up on me because I was sitting there this afternoon working on my Itunes and Ipod playlists and not doing what she probably thought I should have been doing. But it really irritated the crap out of me because she sitting there telling me I should be getting ready for class and making sure I paid for the course then going to the bookstore and getting the books for my class... and those are things she has to do since I do not have the $$. So I immediately get up to get the page up so that she can process the payment and when I get her she says “I’m busy taking a shower, I’ll do it later.”
In my mind I guess I would have just said something to me after the shower instead of going off on me about how I wasn’t doing anything to prepare for a class. In my mind I also knew what I was going to do. I was going to gather the things I needed (Pen/Paper) because I didn’t want to show up to the class with books I has just bought only to learn that we don’t need them. The buy back price is freaking ridiculous! As for paying for the course, I was going to do that as soon as I was finished with my playlist that I had to recreate, which probably would have been about the time she finished with her shower... Of course she couldn’t have known this, so I guess I can’t blame her. But I just wish she would give me some credit that I do know what I am doing sometimes, and these days if I don’t, I tend to ask for help... which is an improvement for me.
I’m just really upset about moving back to be told what to do. Not to mention I was under the impression that my room and board would be in the 300 range, not 500. I basically could have stayed in tucson and not spent the money for the ticket and moving out here if I knew that each month I was going to have to pay 500.00 to not have my own place or be able to do what I want....I payed roughly 500.00 month when I was in Tucson before i left... probably a little bit over... but not much.
A bit of an advantage for me is that I did get roughly 3000.00 in debt paid off my credit report... I have no debt now, just paid accounts, which isn’t really good, but its not that bad either... So that is good. The bad news is the 10k allotment that we all (Trustees) received is pretty much spent, and I still don’t have my own vehicle.
I had hoped to have had one within a few weeks of me being here, but at this rate it probably wont be until August/September before that happens. Which disappoints me because a car for me would be a bit more of freedom for me. I just don’t feel right taking my aunts car whenever I want to like I would if I had my own vehicle. Not to mention I’m back in a Ford Exploder... which I think could possibly be worse than Forest... In order to get out of the car, I have to roll down the back window and reach around to open the door from the outside, the radio works - but you can’t tell which station you are on, the lights on the dash are out, and the AC is broken, it just blows outside air in, which in this heat is quite.... muggy. Might as well roll the windows down... but I can’t roll down the driver window...which would actually make getting out of the car a lot easier.
But hey, I could be taking the bus?
But never the less, I still miss my friends...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
I wish that you would just leave...
How is it that my sister can get completely under my skin and bring me to tears so easily? Oh, Right because I am an emotional person in the middle of a very emotional time and she’s really good at pushing the right buttons.
I seriously would not care if my sister and I ever had a relationship. I don’t care what the norm is… If she wont stop being such a totally Cunt bag, I am severing ties and considering her dead just like my mother.
I know that seems harsh, But I’m just so fed up with bullshit people in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to have to deal with people who are supposed to be supporting me bringing me down… I can bring myself down fine by myself thank you very much.
All I will say is this adventure to the Chicago area should have been pleasant, instead I spent a good deal of time trying to avoid my sister and plotting her death. If murder wasn’t illegal, she would not be living.
I thank god that I do not have to see her until Christmas after this week is over, if I see her before then, it will have been too soon.
Now I realize why I never really tried and the next time I say I should do something to bond with her, I would ask that my closest friend please sock me in the face as hard as they can so that I can remember how it feels to “bond” with my cunt bag of a sister.
/end rant.
I seriously would not care if my sister and I ever had a relationship. I don’t care what the norm is… If she wont stop being such a totally Cunt bag, I am severing ties and considering her dead just like my mother.
I know that seems harsh, But I’m just so fed up with bullshit people in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to have to deal with people who are supposed to be supporting me bringing me down… I can bring myself down fine by myself thank you very much.
All I will say is this adventure to the Chicago area should have been pleasant, instead I spent a good deal of time trying to avoid my sister and plotting her death. If murder wasn’t illegal, she would not be living.
I thank god that I do not have to see her until Christmas after this week is over, if I see her before then, it will have been too soon.
Now I realize why I never really tried and the next time I say I should do something to bond with her, I would ask that my closest friend please sock me in the face as hard as they can so that I can remember how it feels to “bond” with my cunt bag of a sister.
/end rant.
Monday, June 02, 2008
I am S-m-R-T
So let the record show that I took the placement test at Pima Community College in Arizona TWICE. (The writing portion I took 3 times)
And Each time I placed into remedial math (the math you take before it even means anything) and the lowest English class (not the regular 101) I scored a 100% on reading comprehension so we call know I can read and get what I'm reading.
But scoring low in the English department has always had me pissed off. I took it the first time, scored low. Re-tested doing a written form instead of an online "editing" exam. Placed low. Two years alter, took the online editing part again.... Placed low.
How could that even be? I was a writer! Yes, my spelling and grammar do suck. But I thought I was decent enough to be placed into a regular English course...
Well today, I went over to Macomb community college to take the placement tests and get this low scoring over with. I was convinced I'd do the same, place low in everything but reading.
Well kids, I placed in regular writing 101. I placed in Intermediate Math (which is ABOVE what I placed last time) and My reading comprehension score was yet again, 100%......
The math bit I have no idea how I placed higher, but the English part, over the past year or so I have been working really hard on making sure things that I wrote were correctly spelled and used correctly.... It worked.
I'm a normal college student! I'm not behind.
I thought the term was use it or lose it..... I haven't been in school in almost 3 years.... I definitely didn't lose it!
And Each time I placed into remedial math (the math you take before it even means anything) and the lowest English class (not the regular 101) I scored a 100% on reading comprehension so we call know I can read and get what I'm reading.
But scoring low in the English department has always had me pissed off. I took it the first time, scored low. Re-tested doing a written form instead of an online "editing" exam. Placed low. Two years alter, took the online editing part again.... Placed low.
How could that even be? I was a writer! Yes, my spelling and grammar do suck. But I thought I was decent enough to be placed into a regular English course...
Well today, I went over to Macomb community college to take the placement tests and get this low scoring over with. I was convinced I'd do the same, place low in everything but reading.
Well kids, I placed in regular writing 101. I placed in Intermediate Math (which is ABOVE what I placed last time) and My reading comprehension score was yet again, 100%......
The math bit I have no idea how I placed higher, but the English part, over the past year or so I have been working really hard on making sure things that I wrote were correctly spelled and used correctly.... It worked.
I'm a normal college student! I'm not behind.
I thought the term was use it or lose it..... I haven't been in school in almost 3 years.... I definitely didn't lose it!
Friday, May 09, 2008
Say you are here and it's all over now...
It’s not okay that I am so emotionally handicapped that it pains me to ask for help. Or when I do ask for help, I instantly decline said help.
Last night I went to my grandma’s house. It was one of the first times I was there for more than 5 minutes when it wasn’t full of cousins since the Funeral. The silence killed me emotionally. I went from having a great day to be instantly crippled by this overwhelming emotion I can only understand as grief.
It wasn’t supposed to be this hard for me. My grandma and I never really got along…and I know I’m probably a bastard for even thinking that, but its almost crippling the affect and power she had over my life. The influence she had and now the absence is stronger than I would have ever imagined.
I know it will get better with time but last night all I wanted to do is be held and talked to, to take it off my mind and when I called someone I figured would be right for the job, I declined the initial thought of just coming over and getting a hug. That’s right, I declined.
He was ago for the situation but I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to “ruin” his mood. I’ve always been accused indirectly of being a mood killer because of my emotions and having a tendency to lean towards the darker side of life. So I tend to lean away from the support of others and carry my sadness, anger, frustrations and pains alone.
I finally sucked up my own pride and just went for it. I’m glad I did, because he did make me feel better, and I know he’s probably thinking “I didn’t do anything” but sometimes doing nothing and just being there is more than doing something. It’s more than the “I’m Sorry” or the “it will be okay” comments, especially with me.
On a less Emo note, I have discovered yet another addition to the “Things Not To Do” list.
This morning I was supposed to be to work at 6 AM, I woke up at 6:35, luckily I was at my grandma’s so I arrived at my work at 6:45. Just in time for our new kid to try and enter the building and trip the alarm we have. He didn’t know the pass code and so the CEO of the company was called and thus foiled my “show up late unnoticed” plan.
I’m still wearing my PJs…. However, it’s Friday… So I don’t care.
Last night I went to my grandma’s house. It was one of the first times I was there for more than 5 minutes when it wasn’t full of cousins since the Funeral. The silence killed me emotionally. I went from having a great day to be instantly crippled by this overwhelming emotion I can only understand as grief.
It wasn’t supposed to be this hard for me. My grandma and I never really got along…and I know I’m probably a bastard for even thinking that, but its almost crippling the affect and power she had over my life. The influence she had and now the absence is stronger than I would have ever imagined.
I know it will get better with time but last night all I wanted to do is be held and talked to, to take it off my mind and when I called someone I figured would be right for the job, I declined the initial thought of just coming over and getting a hug. That’s right, I declined.
He was ago for the situation but I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to “ruin” his mood. I’ve always been accused indirectly of being a mood killer because of my emotions and having a tendency to lean towards the darker side of life. So I tend to lean away from the support of others and carry my sadness, anger, frustrations and pains alone.
I finally sucked up my own pride and just went for it. I’m glad I did, because he did make me feel better, and I know he’s probably thinking “I didn’t do anything” but sometimes doing nothing and just being there is more than doing something. It’s more than the “I’m Sorry” or the “it will be okay” comments, especially with me.
On a less Emo note, I have discovered yet another addition to the “Things Not To Do” list.
This morning I was supposed to be to work at 6 AM, I woke up at 6:35, luckily I was at my grandma’s so I arrived at my work at 6:45. Just in time for our new kid to try and enter the building and trip the alarm we have. He didn’t know the pass code and so the CEO of the company was called and thus foiled my “show up late unnoticed” plan.
I’m still wearing my PJs…. However, it’s Friday… So I don’t care.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Sail Away with me Hunny...
So the last few days I have been quite zombie-a-fied.
Monday morning I come into about 50 Orders to be printed with 98% of them being hard copies. A hard copy is when a customer request that their document be printed instead of e-mailed or in the form of a CD. These documents can be anywhere from 100-800 pages. It takes approximately 1 hour to print 3 of these hard copies with more coming in by the hour. One of our management companies was extremely behind and decided to play Catch-up over the weekend. This meant I’d be skipping Lunch (which is okay, because its overtime….)
Tuesday, same thing. There were a lot of orders to be processed. Another lunch skipped. And I don’t even remember what happened on either of these days I just know that I worked, came home and was unable to actually full sleep.
Which brings me to my next topic. Sleep. I haven’t been getting any sleep. Well I’ve been getting 2-3 hours here and there, but mostly I wake up every morning extremely tired, probably more tired than the night before. And I cannot seem to wake myself before 8 AM, which is really not that good considering; I start work at 8:30. So I’ve been running 5 minutes late for the past week and a half.
I have so much to do and it seems like so little time. I put in my resignation at work, a month from today and I will be work free for the summer. Well, I guess I’ll still have work to do, I just wont be paid and there will be no taxes involved. So, there’s a pro and con for you.
Did I also mention that a week from yesterday I will be free from my federal and state grounding? Yes, I will be out of my Diversion program and considered a normal part of society instead of a criminal. If you don’t know what this is about, my apologies (search old blogs circa June 2007.)
I can’t remember if it was yesterday or Monday that my friend Kristin called me to tell me about her baby girl’s birthday party. For some reason I feel like it’s her 3rd birthday party and I keep thinking to myself, dear god, it’s been a while… but then I realize, no it’s only her second birthday party. Few people know, but I could have had a two year old. He/She would have been born the June after Kaylee was born (May 4, 2006.)
I remember how depressed I was when I found out I miscarried, but now that I look back, its probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. The only regret I have now is that my grandma will never get to meet any of my kids (if I even have any) and that makes me sad. I know that my nephews life was enriched because of the quality time he spent with my grandma and now I fear that my kids will never know what its like to have a grandmother from my side of the family. I can only rely on my family to step in and show them what its like to have family. But hell, we all know I’m never getting married and I’m never having kids…
Happy Birthday Grandma. I miss you.
Monday morning I come into about 50 Orders to be printed with 98% of them being hard copies. A hard copy is when a customer request that their document be printed instead of e-mailed or in the form of a CD. These documents can be anywhere from 100-800 pages. It takes approximately 1 hour to print 3 of these hard copies with more coming in by the hour. One of our management companies was extremely behind and decided to play Catch-up over the weekend. This meant I’d be skipping Lunch (which is okay, because its overtime….)
Tuesday, same thing. There were a lot of orders to be processed. Another lunch skipped. And I don’t even remember what happened on either of these days I just know that I worked, came home and was unable to actually full sleep.
Which brings me to my next topic. Sleep. I haven’t been getting any sleep. Well I’ve been getting 2-3 hours here and there, but mostly I wake up every morning extremely tired, probably more tired than the night before. And I cannot seem to wake myself before 8 AM, which is really not that good considering; I start work at 8:30. So I’ve been running 5 minutes late for the past week and a half.
I have so much to do and it seems like so little time. I put in my resignation at work, a month from today and I will be work free for the summer. Well, I guess I’ll still have work to do, I just wont be paid and there will be no taxes involved. So, there’s a pro and con for you.
Did I also mention that a week from yesterday I will be free from my federal and state grounding? Yes, I will be out of my Diversion program and considered a normal part of society instead of a criminal. If you don’t know what this is about, my apologies (search old blogs circa June 2007.)
I can’t remember if it was yesterday or Monday that my friend Kristin called me to tell me about her baby girl’s birthday party. For some reason I feel like it’s her 3rd birthday party and I keep thinking to myself, dear god, it’s been a while… but then I realize, no it’s only her second birthday party. Few people know, but I could have had a two year old. He/She would have been born the June after Kaylee was born (May 4, 2006.)
I remember how depressed I was when I found out I miscarried, but now that I look back, its probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. The only regret I have now is that my grandma will never get to meet any of my kids (if I even have any) and that makes me sad. I know that my nephews life was enriched because of the quality time he spent with my grandma and now I fear that my kids will never know what its like to have a grandmother from my side of the family. I can only rely on my family to step in and show them what its like to have family. But hell, we all know I’m never getting married and I’m never having kids…
Happy Birthday Grandma. I miss you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Have a little Faith In me...
"I never dreamed home would end up being where I don't belong..."
Here is the good news.
Today, I paid my court fines and a total of $942.00 were spent. I feel a lot better, as if this HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. April 29th I go into sign the paper work to be free of my legal cage that binds me to Arizona.
And as I've been talking to all my friends closest to me, I am really nervous and anxious to start the "New Me" lifestyle that I will begin when I move to Michigan. I promise not to change who I am, but to change what I am doing with my life. I want to be someone great and I know I can, I just need to take those steps.
My fears were losing my friends, but I know that will not happen. The ones that are in it for the long haul will always be there, it's the ones that wont be around when I come on top that I do not need to fear losing and I am ashamed to admit that was a fear.
It will definitely be strange to not just call people up and hang with them here, I know it will be difficult to not compare my new friends with my old ones, because I'm afraid my new friends have set some high standards that many people will fall short of. I must be open to the change and welcome the experiences that will shape my next life.
And so, this chapter of my life, which I will call "Some Where in Between" is a few pages away from coming to an end.
On May 31, 2008 I'll head to Michigan to begin my new Life.
To my friends, please don't close this book now, keep reading, I know the ending will be great.
Here is the good news.
Today, I paid my court fines and a total of $942.00 were spent. I feel a lot better, as if this HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. April 29th I go into sign the paper work to be free of my legal cage that binds me to Arizona.
And as I've been talking to all my friends closest to me, I am really nervous and anxious to start the "New Me" lifestyle that I will begin when I move to Michigan. I promise not to change who I am, but to change what I am doing with my life. I want to be someone great and I know I can, I just need to take those steps.
My fears were losing my friends, but I know that will not happen. The ones that are in it for the long haul will always be there, it's the ones that wont be around when I come on top that I do not need to fear losing and I am ashamed to admit that was a fear.
It will definitely be strange to not just call people up and hang with them here, I know it will be difficult to not compare my new friends with my old ones, because I'm afraid my new friends have set some high standards that many people will fall short of. I must be open to the change and welcome the experiences that will shape my next life.
And so, this chapter of my life, which I will call "Some Where in Between" is a few pages away from coming to an end.
On May 31, 2008 I'll head to Michigan to begin my new Life.
To my friends, please don't close this book now, keep reading, I know the ending will be great.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
I just don't know
I am hurt right now, big time.
I have a lot to look forward to, I mean I’m leaving Arizona (for good…) in less than two months.
I got offered the chance to live for dirt cheap in a beautiful home, go to school full time and finally get to know what it feels like to be "normal. College student." It’s something I’ve wanted for quite some time and thanks to grandma its finally happening… I should be ecstatic.
But, I just feel so icky. I woke up this morning more tired than usual, my body was just done and I’ve been fighting boughs of nausea all day.
My fortune cookie said "This coming month shall bring Winds of Change into your life."
Me being the dork that I am thought February was valentines month so maybe it was going to mean I’d have better luck with Love.... Little did I know it was going to be more dramatic of a change, something that would never be undone...That was before February, the month my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
On March 24th, 2008 Jean Crawford, My Grandmother passed away.
I don’t want it to be real.
I have a lot to look forward to, I mean I’m leaving Arizona (for good…) in less than two months.
I got offered the chance to live for dirt cheap in a beautiful home, go to school full time and finally get to know what it feels like to be "normal. College student." It’s something I’ve wanted for quite some time and thanks to grandma its finally happening… I should be ecstatic.
But, I just feel so icky. I woke up this morning more tired than usual, my body was just done and I’ve been fighting boughs of nausea all day.
My fortune cookie said "This coming month shall bring Winds of Change into your life."
Me being the dork that I am thought February was valentines month so maybe it was going to mean I’d have better luck with Love.... Little did I know it was going to be more dramatic of a change, something that would never be undone...That was before February, the month my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
On March 24th, 2008 Jean Crawford, My Grandmother passed away.
I don’t want it to be real.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Three Hail Marys
Alone with my thoughts
While fingers work over
Those delicately carved wooden beads
I’ve never been one to believe
And I find myself wanting to believe
Frozen in this moment, I’m here.
“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.”
When can we go home?
She asks desperately
And I know that the answer, soon.
She calls out to him frantically in the night
Someone who’s already made it there
But her journey, it’s coming too soon.
“Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death..."
I hold selfishly onto beads,
Bargaining for more
Never one for prayer,
My fingers lace through,
“God give me the strength and courage,
To face what I don’t want too.”
"Amen."
- Jennifer Marie
- March 24, 2008
While fingers work over
Those delicately carved wooden beads
I’ve never been one to believe
And I find myself wanting to believe
Frozen in this moment, I’m here.
“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.”
When can we go home?
She asks desperately
And I know that the answer, soon.
She calls out to him frantically in the night
Someone who’s already made it there
But her journey, it’s coming too soon.
“Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death..."
I hold selfishly onto beads,
Bargaining for more
Never one for prayer,
My fingers lace through,
“God give me the strength and courage,
To face what I don’t want too.”
"Amen."
- Jennifer Marie
- March 24, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Consider this Your Warning.
I am never the strong one. Ever.
I say this because people often look at me because I do not “break down” the way that they do. And they are right, I rarely break down in public and if I do, I am ashamed of myself. I like to keep my break downs in the privacy of my own car/room/house/space-where-no-one-can-see.
I avoid situations where my “break downs” will prevail themselves.
Case in point, my grandma is very ill. I should know more about it but I refuse to let myself know more. I have spent quite a bit of time at her house in the past week but rarely in the room with her. Usually I scurry myself off into the TV room where I root myself to the couch and attempt to absorb myself in television shows. For those of you who know me, TV is not one of my regular vices…at all.
I haven’t forgiven myself.
In the heat of stressful situations I tend to think of everything wrong I have ever done. Mostly, things that occurred almost 2 years ago: I have accepted that I got in trouble for what I did, but I have not accepted the fact that I could so such a thing.
My whole childhood and a good percent of my teenage years were rebelling against being like my mother, which inadvertently made me do things she did. “A spitting image.” My grandma would often say. Which stung more than the needles at the doctor’s office. And cut deeper than any knife.
I give too much.
I allow myself to be hurt by people I consider close, constantly – I can’t let go. I need to let go.
I’m heading for a harsh breakdown
I can feel it welling up inside of me and I’m trying my hardest to put on the breaks and bring this break down to a screeching halt.
I am Broken.
I refuse to let people (especially guys) get close to me. I have so much emotional baggage that I am afraid to let anyone “see me.”
I feel like sometimes I’m Bi-Polar.
Maybe to a lesser degree and I can still function… somewhat.
I say this because people often look at me because I do not “break down” the way that they do. And they are right, I rarely break down in public and if I do, I am ashamed of myself. I like to keep my break downs in the privacy of my own car/room/house/space-where-no-one-can-see.
I avoid situations where my “break downs” will prevail themselves.
Case in point, my grandma is very ill. I should know more about it but I refuse to let myself know more. I have spent quite a bit of time at her house in the past week but rarely in the room with her. Usually I scurry myself off into the TV room where I root myself to the couch and attempt to absorb myself in television shows. For those of you who know me, TV is not one of my regular vices…at all.
I haven’t forgiven myself.
In the heat of stressful situations I tend to think of everything wrong I have ever done. Mostly, things that occurred almost 2 years ago: I have accepted that I got in trouble for what I did, but I have not accepted the fact that I could so such a thing.
My whole childhood and a good percent of my teenage years were rebelling against being like my mother, which inadvertently made me do things she did. “A spitting image.” My grandma would often say. Which stung more than the needles at the doctor’s office. And cut deeper than any knife.
I give too much.
I allow myself to be hurt by people I consider close, constantly – I can’t let go. I need to let go.
I’m heading for a harsh breakdown
I can feel it welling up inside of me and I’m trying my hardest to put on the breaks and bring this break down to a screeching halt.
I am Broken.
I refuse to let people (especially guys) get close to me. I have so much emotional baggage that I am afraid to let anyone “see me.”
I feel like sometimes I’m Bi-Polar.
Maybe to a lesser degree and I can still function… somewhat.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I'm about to go into Scrat-Twitch-Blenderizing mode.
I have to say growing up if it weren’t for my Aunt, I’d know very little about personal hygiene and things of that nature. Perhaps my aunt taught me how to be a bit too tedious about bathing daily because I sometimes will do it twice a day. It was my sister however who taught me to be self conscious about odors. Any of them, my sister was cruel about it too, which I think probably made me a bit obsessive compulsive about it.
“Jennie, you really smell!” my sister would always say, making sure to point it out when we were around others – usually her friends sometimes mine. She was good at ridiculing me at just the opportune time.
Well its because of my aunt and my sister that I can attribute the fact that I learned personal responsibility about making sure that I have shampoo, soap and other personal effects that relate to my general health and concern, so it really shocks to me as how someone can be so lazy that they throw this whole “Hygiene” thing out the window.
I mean I have a problem if the house smells even a little bit – I am a air freshener junkie. And if people are going to be at the house? It has to be clean, or at least straightened up otherwise I go into full on Scrat-twitch mode.
What I’m saying is, I was gone for 1.5 weeks – when I left my house was messy, random towels here and there and a bits of trash. When I returned, it was disgusting. I’ve lived in some pretty run down places so when I say a place is disgusting, its probably beyond what most people would say is. In fact, they would probably say that when I left the house was disgusting.
I came back to my house reeking of both cat and dog urine and there was trash everywhere. I couldn’t walk 2-3 feet without stepping on a taco bell wrapper or empty sauce packet. Every surface had 3-4 takeout cups on them and I came home to the fact that all of the tampons that I had bought for my sporadic period were gone, and all we had left were diaper-sized pads. No thank you. I buy tampons because I like that I feel as if I’m not 5, or pissing myself when the blood decides to flow.
I was then informed by a friend that rather than go to the store and BUY tampons she just assume bum them off everyone else or use the pads, or I’m sure just wrap up toilet paper and place that there for protection – which is something I would do in an emergency situation – I would not go my entire period without going to the store and picking up a supply of tampons. She would. She DID.
Before I left I said, “we’re out of laundry soap, can you get some?” and she responded that she would.
After being on vacation for 1.5 weeks and not really washing the clothes I had, I was prepared to do a lot of laundry, only that would mean she would have to go into a store, and if she’s not going to do it for tampons, surely she wouldn’t do it for laundry soap, who needs clean clothes? Not her, perfume is an acceptable “cover up” for her.
It’s pure laziness and it drives me freaking crazy. I cannot fathom how she is going to live on her own and keep up with the necessities of buying shampoo, Conditioner, soap, toilet paper, tampons, laundry detergent.
She’s one of those people that instead of going into a store and paying 5.00 for a 10lb bag of dog or cat food, she will go to a Circle K (Or 7-11) and spend 5.00 for a 2lb bag of food because its right there. I understand in extreme situations, but the Wal-Mart and Local Fry’s Food and Drug store are just the same amount of distance and they’re 24 hours.
I thought I was messy and lazy… and I may be, but not nearly as extreme as she is.
It’s driving me fucking nuts.
“Jennie, you really smell!” my sister would always say, making sure to point it out when we were around others – usually her friends sometimes mine. She was good at ridiculing me at just the opportune time.
Well its because of my aunt and my sister that I can attribute the fact that I learned personal responsibility about making sure that I have shampoo, soap and other personal effects that relate to my general health and concern, so it really shocks to me as how someone can be so lazy that they throw this whole “Hygiene” thing out the window.
I mean I have a problem if the house smells even a little bit – I am a air freshener junkie. And if people are going to be at the house? It has to be clean, or at least straightened up otherwise I go into full on Scrat-twitch mode.
What I’m saying is, I was gone for 1.5 weeks – when I left my house was messy, random towels here and there and a bits of trash. When I returned, it was disgusting. I’ve lived in some pretty run down places so when I say a place is disgusting, its probably beyond what most people would say is. In fact, they would probably say that when I left the house was disgusting.
I came back to my house reeking of both cat and dog urine and there was trash everywhere. I couldn’t walk 2-3 feet without stepping on a taco bell wrapper or empty sauce packet. Every surface had 3-4 takeout cups on them and I came home to the fact that all of the tampons that I had bought for my sporadic period were gone, and all we had left were diaper-sized pads. No thank you. I buy tampons because I like that I feel as if I’m not 5, or pissing myself when the blood decides to flow.
I was then informed by a friend that rather than go to the store and BUY tampons she just assume bum them off everyone else or use the pads, or I’m sure just wrap up toilet paper and place that there for protection – which is something I would do in an emergency situation – I would not go my entire period without going to the store and picking up a supply of tampons. She would. She DID.
Before I left I said, “we’re out of laundry soap, can you get some?” and she responded that she would.
After being on vacation for 1.5 weeks and not really washing the clothes I had, I was prepared to do a lot of laundry, only that would mean she would have to go into a store, and if she’s not going to do it for tampons, surely she wouldn’t do it for laundry soap, who needs clean clothes? Not her, perfume is an acceptable “cover up” for her.
It’s pure laziness and it drives me freaking crazy. I cannot fathom how she is going to live on her own and keep up with the necessities of buying shampoo, Conditioner, soap, toilet paper, tampons, laundry detergent.
She’s one of those people that instead of going into a store and paying 5.00 for a 10lb bag of dog or cat food, she will go to a Circle K (Or 7-11) and spend 5.00 for a 2lb bag of food because its right there. I understand in extreme situations, but the Wal-Mart and Local Fry’s Food and Drug store are just the same amount of distance and they’re 24 hours.
I thought I was messy and lazy… and I may be, but not nearly as extreme as she is.
It’s driving me fucking nuts.
Friday, January 25, 2008
To the Guy at the NW Tucson Albertsons
Allow me to be a complete ass hole for a second here…
But why the fuck does people assume I want to hear “you’re beautiful, I like bigger girls”
That right there just says, “Hey you’re a fat girl” to my face, in “nicer” words. It still cuts the same.
I get it I’m fat. Do I want to be told it? Not really.
Why can’t people just say “Hey, you’re beautiful” I think I’d be more apt to taking THAT sort of “compliment” rather than the Compliment followed with the insult.
That’s right up there, with “You have a pretty face” Thanks; you just called the rest of me total crap. Fucker. And I’ll have you know, I have a great personality too with this pretty face. Oh right, personality doesn’t matter. Doh.
Anyway, This vent comes from the fact that last Saturday I went to the Compass bank in the Albertsons for my grandma. (May I just state that I had just rolled out of bed and went up to her house wearing my Pajamas. There for I am in no mood to be approached, in fact its probably not wise…And I’ve never had a problem… until…)
On my way out of the store this homeless looking drunk guy feels the need to stroll up to me and say “you’re beautiful, you really are” several times followed by “I like bigger (as he hand gestures a size) women, and you’re just beautiful.” I think normally one might be like “thanks” for being called beautiful, however I was both creped out and mortified by this guy.
Sure I’m being some “shallow” human being, but geez! He then proceeds to tell me where he lives (as if that matters to me) and then continue repeating the ‘you’re beautiful statement.’ And then, here’s the real kicker, he tried to freaking touch me. NO joke. He walked closer to me reached his hand out. At this point I should have busted out my ninja jitsu moves, but sadly I have none, so I just stepped backward.
At which point the guy starts walking away, again, still muttering the same phrase.
I get it.
It’s NEVER okay for a stranger to touch another stranger.
Ever.
Then, today I’m walking out of that same Albertsons for yet another errand for my grandmother and I get a guy “excuse me miss, can I get like 25 to 50 cents change?” and as I turn around, it’s the SAME FUCKING GUY! And he again starts stuttering the “you’re beautiful” phrase, this time leaving out that I’m fat. Thanks for that one homeless guy.
Fuck you.
But why the fuck does people assume I want to hear “you’re beautiful, I like bigger girls”
That right there just says, “Hey you’re a fat girl” to my face, in “nicer” words. It still cuts the same.
I get it I’m fat. Do I want to be told it? Not really.
Why can’t people just say “Hey, you’re beautiful” I think I’d be more apt to taking THAT sort of “compliment” rather than the Compliment followed with the insult.
That’s right up there, with “You have a pretty face” Thanks; you just called the rest of me total crap. Fucker. And I’ll have you know, I have a great personality too with this pretty face. Oh right, personality doesn’t matter. Doh.
Anyway, This vent comes from the fact that last Saturday I went to the Compass bank in the Albertsons for my grandma. (May I just state that I had just rolled out of bed and went up to her house wearing my Pajamas. There for I am in no mood to be approached, in fact its probably not wise…And I’ve never had a problem… until…)
On my way out of the store this homeless looking drunk guy feels the need to stroll up to me and say “you’re beautiful, you really are” several times followed by “I like bigger (as he hand gestures a size) women, and you’re just beautiful.” I think normally one might be like “thanks” for being called beautiful, however I was both creped out and mortified by this guy.
Sure I’m being some “shallow” human being, but geez! He then proceeds to tell me where he lives (as if that matters to me) and then continue repeating the ‘you’re beautiful statement.’ And then, here’s the real kicker, he tried to freaking touch me. NO joke. He walked closer to me reached his hand out. At this point I should have busted out my ninja jitsu moves, but sadly I have none, so I just stepped backward.
At which point the guy starts walking away, again, still muttering the same phrase.
I get it.
It’s NEVER okay for a stranger to touch another stranger.
Ever.
Then, today I’m walking out of that same Albertsons for yet another errand for my grandmother and I get a guy “excuse me miss, can I get like 25 to 50 cents change?” and as I turn around, it’s the SAME FUCKING GUY! And he again starts stuttering the “you’re beautiful” phrase, this time leaving out that I’m fat. Thanks for that one homeless guy.
Fuck you.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Happiness was the old silk dress...
So my week started off on a clean note.
I finally got the washer and dryer that’s been sitting at my grandma’s house for over a month. So we have a washer and dryer at our house now thanks to the help from our neighbors.
My brother was being a jerk-face and wouldn’t load them in his truck and bring it over. In any event, they’re there. So I felt the need to wash everything I could on Sunday. It was an all afternoon and into the night process, but never the less the highlight of my week thus far.
Yay for domestication right?
I’ve slowly begun to realize that I can be happy, as I’ve been happy for about two weeks now and going strong. Most of the time in the situation I am in I would find myself getting very depressed. But, some how I’m finding things to occupy my mind and keep me striving for more.
Work has been proving to be quite stressful and my days seemed to be moving faster and I can never find enough time to do all the things I need to before everyone leaves. I work the 11-8PM schedule, which happens to be the closing schedule. It sucks.
Not just because I’m the only one in the building for 2 hours, but also because I struggle from 11-4PM to get all of the mailroom priorities done. It’s not nearly enough time, being that my lunch is soon after I arrive at around 2 PM. In fact, I find myself working through lunch to make sure I maintain the daily work order. And on top of that all, each month we have a “Welcome Packet” that we send out to new homeowners that are in a certain association we assist. This means I have to make a bunch of CD’s, labels and then stuff the CDs along with a piece of paper into an envelope and send them off…. This month we have 196 packets to do. And what’s more, the guy who was before me, screwed up on an entire welcome packet of 75. So I have to re-label these little babies and get them sent back out. Good times, maybe anyway.
I’m getting very anxious for my trip to the east coast.
The roommate has started school again so this may mean I see less of her. Hopefully she maintains a work ethic and goes to class. She told me last semester to make sure she went to school (not sure why I have to be mom here?) but I tried, which ultimately resulted in her lying about going to classes. She argues that it should have very little effect on me because it doesn’t concern me. My argument is, a lie is a lie – it makes me trust people less. I’m sure I’m not the only one here.
Also, I’ve started dabbling in painting – I’ve painted a few pictures, some that I am extremely happy with some that I want to re-do, but I am against painting over… so I’ll need to wait until I can buy fresh canvases.
In other “exciting” news, I’ve gotten a new cell phone with what I refer to as my “Big Kid” phone. Because it’s no longer a prepaid type option that only works in certain limited places. It’s with Verizon and it’s a camera phone. I think that I’ve just created a monster because I’m able to picture message people videos and stills…. Some of my friends can attest to the madness, and my Myspce’s new “Photo Album can also attest. I’m already getting threats to have it taken away… this can’t be good…. Or can it? I love my phone.
Pretty much, my life is good. I’m happy; I’m excited and ready to take on the future while enjoying what I have now.
I finally got the washer and dryer that’s been sitting at my grandma’s house for over a month. So we have a washer and dryer at our house now thanks to the help from our neighbors.
My brother was being a jerk-face and wouldn’t load them in his truck and bring it over. In any event, they’re there. So I felt the need to wash everything I could on Sunday. It was an all afternoon and into the night process, but never the less the highlight of my week thus far.
Yay for domestication right?
I’ve slowly begun to realize that I can be happy, as I’ve been happy for about two weeks now and going strong. Most of the time in the situation I am in I would find myself getting very depressed. But, some how I’m finding things to occupy my mind and keep me striving for more.
Work has been proving to be quite stressful and my days seemed to be moving faster and I can never find enough time to do all the things I need to before everyone leaves. I work the 11-8PM schedule, which happens to be the closing schedule. It sucks.
Not just because I’m the only one in the building for 2 hours, but also because I struggle from 11-4PM to get all of the mailroom priorities done. It’s not nearly enough time, being that my lunch is soon after I arrive at around 2 PM. In fact, I find myself working through lunch to make sure I maintain the daily work order. And on top of that all, each month we have a “Welcome Packet” that we send out to new homeowners that are in a certain association we assist. This means I have to make a bunch of CD’s, labels and then stuff the CDs along with a piece of paper into an envelope and send them off…. This month we have 196 packets to do. And what’s more, the guy who was before me, screwed up on an entire welcome packet of 75. So I have to re-label these little babies and get them sent back out. Good times, maybe anyway.
I’m getting very anxious for my trip to the east coast.
The roommate has started school again so this may mean I see less of her. Hopefully she maintains a work ethic and goes to class. She told me last semester to make sure she went to school (not sure why I have to be mom here?) but I tried, which ultimately resulted in her lying about going to classes. She argues that it should have very little effect on me because it doesn’t concern me. My argument is, a lie is a lie – it makes me trust people less. I’m sure I’m not the only one here.
Also, I’ve started dabbling in painting – I’ve painted a few pictures, some that I am extremely happy with some that I want to re-do, but I am against painting over… so I’ll need to wait until I can buy fresh canvases.
In other “exciting” news, I’ve gotten a new cell phone with what I refer to as my “Big Kid” phone. Because it’s no longer a prepaid type option that only works in certain limited places. It’s with Verizon and it’s a camera phone. I think that I’ve just created a monster because I’m able to picture message people videos and stills…. Some of my friends can attest to the madness, and my Myspce’s new “Photo Album can also attest. I’m already getting threats to have it taken away… this can’t be good…. Or can it? I love my phone.
Pretty much, my life is good. I’m happy; I’m excited and ready to take on the future while enjoying what I have now.
Monday, January 14, 2008
happy - So this is what it feels like?
Never under estimate the power of a strong group with a lot of conviction.
I got “promoted’ today due to some “lay offs” at work.
So that’s exciting.
I now technically have my own office and what not. I moved most of my stuff already. So I’m excited to start making changes and growing with this company.
I’ve never felt more grown up than I do now, strangely enough.
Also, I feel quite accomplished and rather happy, another weird feeling for me.
Plus, I’m going to Jersey in Feb, so I am DEFINATLY excited about that. But I will probably freeze!
Happiness has never felt so good.
I got “promoted’ today due to some “lay offs” at work.
So that’s exciting.
I now technically have my own office and what not. I moved most of my stuff already. So I’m excited to start making changes and growing with this company.
I’ve never felt more grown up than I do now, strangely enough.
Also, I feel quite accomplished and rather happy, another weird feeling for me.
Plus, I’m going to Jersey in Feb, so I am DEFINATLY excited about that. But I will probably freeze!
Happiness has never felt so good.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Things to Accomplish This year
I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should do a new years resolution, I argued that by doing one it would be cliché and pointless. But also counter argued that its good to have goals and standards. I decided to not call it a resolution as much as a “I’ve decided to change my life.” For some reason I feel like 2008 will be the year things change for me. I want it to be an important year of growing, living and learning. But most importantly I want it to be a turning point for me where I leave behind my childish ways and step into adulthood.
So now I have a not so resolution game plan. Here’s what I want to do:
Be more organized.
Be financially Responsible.
Be Healthy.
Be Happy.
Take time to do Photography (at least 1 weekend a month)
Practice clean living habits.
Get out of this Program.
Smile more.
Cry less.
Laugh often. (Boy, I feel like a commercial for some kind of Shoe Company.)
Get in touch with old friends.
Read More (should be the easiest!)
Forgive.
Live.
So now I have a not so resolution game plan. Here’s what I want to do:
Be more organized.
Be financially Responsible.
Be Healthy.
Be Happy.
Take time to do Photography (at least 1 weekend a month)
Practice clean living habits.
Get out of this Program.
Smile more.
Cry less.
Laugh often. (Boy, I feel like a commercial for some kind of Shoe Company.)
Get in touch with old friends.
Read More (should be the easiest!)
Forgive.
Live.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
For those about to rock, I salute you
I decided to start of the New Year I would write down a personal thank you and/or confession about the people that were in my life last year and the personal mark they left. If you do not see your name, it’s not because I don’t like you, but rather the names seen here played a more active role in my life during this particular chapter of my life.
Ashley: First of all, she is actually the person I have known in my life the longest. She has inadvertently taught me the value of keeping friends even when you feel that you should walk away. We both accomplished something we had been dreaming about for years and Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted to share that moment with anyone but her. She was my rock when I was more lost than I can ever imagine, and she will continue to be someone I take with me through my life to witness everything. Especially New Years 2009 Right?
Jessica: In high school people constantly confused us for each other which I find really hard to believe being that she stood at 5’5 weighed probably all of 105 Lbs if that and had really blonde hair and piercing green eyes. I was 5’8, heavy set and dark brown (or red) hair. No where even remotely close to looking like her and yet, we both answered to either Jess or Jenn and created a duo that worked like a well oiled machine, She was damage to other writers, and I was damage control (“Can you give this to Jess?” as the weary Newbie would bolt towards the door) Jess has taught me the value of friendship and the notion that no matter how close, saying something stupid can inadvertently put a thorn in the side of the friendship, possibly crippling it. Also, never get in an argument with the human dictionary, she will violate you with words you will have to look up later and go “Oh, its not as bad as I thought” or “that bitch! How dare she call me that!” But she is also, my book fiend – The person I can say “I just read this book” and not get a blank stare, but a rather intrigued “tell me more” type of look.
Laura: She was the Frack to my Frick. At one point we were joint at the hip and enjoyed hours of creating fantasy worlds around the backstreet boys and our lives with them. She is the one I think of when I see a new chick flick coming out and the one responsible for my birthday trip to New Jersey ( I will pay you back!) which was a life altering experience for me. She’s around almost as long as Ashley (give or take a month or two.) And someone most of my family adores and someone I also see taking with me for the rest of my life.
Michelle L: Roommate 94315.45 – And the longest roommate I’ve had besides family that I didn’t want to kill. Sure I’ve had my moments. Sure she sometimes is like that little thorn in my side when the house is trashed. But she pays her bills and has dreams and goals. She is someone I find myself confiding in, and one of the few people who have seen me and allowed me to cry. I enjoy her confidence, even if I do find it sometimes over bearing. She is a challenge for me, but also someone who wouldn’t has kept me floating and probably will continue to as long as we share a home (she may want to rethink living with me at this point…) She’s like the little sister I never wanted, but I’m glad I have. We both carry ourselves in high regards, but when together are not afraid to just sit around and be the “peons’ that we truly are. And if its 110 degrees out, you’re damn right we’ll sit around in jeans and a bra together.
Jake: Wow. I could write page upon page about this talented guy. The voice of reason. And also someone I have developed somewhat of a crush on. Jake is this amazing human who happens to hold some unbelievable talent in his fingers (not that way you sicko!) He is my link into the musician world and one of my biggest supporters of my Photography passion of sorts. He’s also one of my biggest supporters in “going for your dreams.” I’ve shared a lot with this man, and hope to share a lot more – assuming he doesn’t actually get to know the real me and take off running, as it happens far to often. I also blame this guy for my confidence, because hell, he really has a knack for making me smile and getting people to say “aw why you smiling Jennie” which then makes me blush. But I like the feeling. I like our conversations. I like his banter, and I like that he is willing to share his knowledge of life (or something like it) with me. We can also blame him for the recent Kevin Smith obsession.
Nora: I have yet to truly get sick of this girl. I’ve tried to be mad, but then she’ll say something and I can’t help but think “what the fuck?” all the while laughing until my sides hurt and she snorts (its not that hard.) She often finds herself saying, “Get out of my head!” when we spew out the same thought in mind. And sometimes she’s my personal Barbie, allowing me to dress her up… some times undressing her (not myself, you pervs!) And she’s one of my models. Oh and Nora, that scene in the graveyard at his mother’s grave…. There. Also.. You gave Zac to me, and don’t you forget it! (I feel like we’re playing a game of hooker trading cards in Las Vegas?)
Kat: “I’ll go, I always knew I’d live a tragic life” – I spent a lot of time with her over the last weeks due to the roommate being in Oregon with her family. But even still, Kat is a pretty cool chick. Someone I can sit around and do nothing with and still be good. She’s one of those friends I don’t have to constantly entertain and I like that. We’d both be chill with listening to music and reading the entire day away or watching the entire first (coincidently the last as well) season of Firefly. She’s taught me a lot about people and how they act. While there are times I’d want to strangle her and make her wake up and see the world, I also realize that people come around on their own time and that she is just human. She is another one of those people who allow me to dress them up, my Emo Barbie. And no kat, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
Emily: I used to think that I was crazy, and then I realized I wasn’t nearly as crazy as I could be and that you should NEVER let people borrow things that are of great value. Ever. You know that phrase “ a sucker is born every minute” I think I was that sucker for at least…..3535 million minutes as for some reason even though I would catch her in lies, I kept allowing her closer into my life. The sting of her leaving hurt I will admit, but only momentarily after I discovered what web of deception she had woven into the inner circle I had attached myself to. So thank you for opening my eyes.
Patrick (Mexi-Melt): First of all let me just say, that this man is an amazing father, singer and friend. He has given me a side of friendship that truth be told, I had never had before. He is someone I can always rant to and he will discretely point out the flaws to where my anger is coming from. He is rather good at telling it like it is. And even better at making me laugh. He’s shown me the value of struggle with friendships. He has also taught me that I will never sit in his backseat while he drives up Mt. Lemmon’s highway lest I puke.
Michelle: Wow. We’ve both been through so much stuff. And I discovered that perhaps our mothers were the same, or so close its scary. She has an amazing voice and she’s the kind of person I can talk for hours with. I enjoy the times I hang with here, while very few. I met her in hell (Convergys) and have a blast with her every time we go to Karaoke. She’s taught me a lot about how a true friend should be, even if I don’t hang out with her that much. I also credit her for a lot of my confidence. Thanks!
Jeremy: This guy is amazing. He doesn’t know it but he is. He is another person responsible for my confidence. I don’t actually know him as in (I’ve never met him) but He is totally someone I could see hanging out with constantly. He is always equipped with some sort of retort that will make me laugh for hours. And always there for me when I need to rant about something… Really anything. He doesn’t give himself the credit he deserves so I figured I’d try and give him some credit here. This guy, is fucking awesome. Period.
Meg: She’s very intense and in your face bold. I enjoy the many hours we spent talking and hanging out. I think that when together we are an unstoppable duo of trouble and I mean that in a good way. While quick with a temper, she is also quick with being there for you whenever you need to rant. She’s also quite funny, coincidently. Pat’s other half and soon to spawn a child of her own. Someone I defiantly find responsible for my growth this year as we both did a lot of growing.
Honorable Mentions:
Leticia – My first and original model, and the person at the beginning to I babbled to the most.
RyanHood – The band it self. Amazing.
Brandalyn – Oh how you entertain me at work. You are truly hilarious.
Tucci – YAY For new friends and co-workers, thanks for making me feel welcome at the new job.
Aubrey – A friend from way back, I’m excited that you live in Tucson again, now if only we hung out a lot!
Beth – oh my god, you are too funny. I can’t wait until I live in jersey!
Heather – Thank you for giving me confidence in my photography and writing!
David – hey, without him I wouldn’t have fallen to pieces only to learn I can be put back together.
Thanks to everyone in my life and here’s to another year of learning and growing (hopefully emotionally, less physical growth!)
Ashley: First of all, she is actually the person I have known in my life the longest. She has inadvertently taught me the value of keeping friends even when you feel that you should walk away. We both accomplished something we had been dreaming about for years and Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted to share that moment with anyone but her. She was my rock when I was more lost than I can ever imagine, and she will continue to be someone I take with me through my life to witness everything. Especially New Years 2009 Right?
Jessica: In high school people constantly confused us for each other which I find really hard to believe being that she stood at 5’5 weighed probably all of 105 Lbs if that and had really blonde hair and piercing green eyes. I was 5’8, heavy set and dark brown (or red) hair. No where even remotely close to looking like her and yet, we both answered to either Jess or Jenn and created a duo that worked like a well oiled machine, She was damage to other writers, and I was damage control (“Can you give this to Jess?” as the weary Newbie would bolt towards the door) Jess has taught me the value of friendship and the notion that no matter how close, saying something stupid can inadvertently put a thorn in the side of the friendship, possibly crippling it. Also, never get in an argument with the human dictionary, she will violate you with words you will have to look up later and go “Oh, its not as bad as I thought” or “that bitch! How dare she call me that!” But she is also, my book fiend – The person I can say “I just read this book” and not get a blank stare, but a rather intrigued “tell me more” type of look.
Laura: She was the Frack to my Frick. At one point we were joint at the hip and enjoyed hours of creating fantasy worlds around the backstreet boys and our lives with them. She is the one I think of when I see a new chick flick coming out and the one responsible for my birthday trip to New Jersey ( I will pay you back!) which was a life altering experience for me. She’s around almost as long as Ashley (give or take a month or two.) And someone most of my family adores and someone I also see taking with me for the rest of my life.
Michelle L: Roommate 94315.45 – And the longest roommate I’ve had besides family that I didn’t want to kill. Sure I’ve had my moments. Sure she sometimes is like that little thorn in my side when the house is trashed. But she pays her bills and has dreams and goals. She is someone I find myself confiding in, and one of the few people who have seen me and allowed me to cry. I enjoy her confidence, even if I do find it sometimes over bearing. She is a challenge for me, but also someone who wouldn’t has kept me floating and probably will continue to as long as we share a home (she may want to rethink living with me at this point…) She’s like the little sister I never wanted, but I’m glad I have. We both carry ourselves in high regards, but when together are not afraid to just sit around and be the “peons’ that we truly are. And if its 110 degrees out, you’re damn right we’ll sit around in jeans and a bra together.
Jake: Wow. I could write page upon page about this talented guy. The voice of reason. And also someone I have developed somewhat of a crush on. Jake is this amazing human who happens to hold some unbelievable talent in his fingers (not that way you sicko!) He is my link into the musician world and one of my biggest supporters of my Photography passion of sorts. He’s also one of my biggest supporters in “going for your dreams.” I’ve shared a lot with this man, and hope to share a lot more – assuming he doesn’t actually get to know the real me and take off running, as it happens far to often. I also blame this guy for my confidence, because hell, he really has a knack for making me smile and getting people to say “aw why you smiling Jennie” which then makes me blush. But I like the feeling. I like our conversations. I like his banter, and I like that he is willing to share his knowledge of life (or something like it) with me. We can also blame him for the recent Kevin Smith obsession.
Nora: I have yet to truly get sick of this girl. I’ve tried to be mad, but then she’ll say something and I can’t help but think “what the fuck?” all the while laughing until my sides hurt and she snorts (its not that hard.) She often finds herself saying, “Get out of my head!” when we spew out the same thought in mind. And sometimes she’s my personal Barbie, allowing me to dress her up… some times undressing her (not myself, you pervs!) And she’s one of my models. Oh and Nora, that scene in the graveyard at his mother’s grave…. There. Also.. You gave Zac to me, and don’t you forget it! (I feel like we’re playing a game of hooker trading cards in Las Vegas?)
Kat: “I’ll go, I always knew I’d live a tragic life” – I spent a lot of time with her over the last weeks due to the roommate being in Oregon with her family. But even still, Kat is a pretty cool chick. Someone I can sit around and do nothing with and still be good. She’s one of those friends I don’t have to constantly entertain and I like that. We’d both be chill with listening to music and reading the entire day away or watching the entire first (coincidently the last as well) season of Firefly. She’s taught me a lot about people and how they act. While there are times I’d want to strangle her and make her wake up and see the world, I also realize that people come around on their own time and that she is just human. She is another one of those people who allow me to dress them up, my Emo Barbie. And no kat, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
Emily: I used to think that I was crazy, and then I realized I wasn’t nearly as crazy as I could be and that you should NEVER let people borrow things that are of great value. Ever. You know that phrase “ a sucker is born every minute” I think I was that sucker for at least…..3535 million minutes as for some reason even though I would catch her in lies, I kept allowing her closer into my life. The sting of her leaving hurt I will admit, but only momentarily after I discovered what web of deception she had woven into the inner circle I had attached myself to. So thank you for opening my eyes.
Patrick (Mexi-Melt): First of all let me just say, that this man is an amazing father, singer and friend. He has given me a side of friendship that truth be told, I had never had before. He is someone I can always rant to and he will discretely point out the flaws to where my anger is coming from. He is rather good at telling it like it is. And even better at making me laugh. He’s shown me the value of struggle with friendships. He has also taught me that I will never sit in his backseat while he drives up Mt. Lemmon’s highway lest I puke.
Michelle: Wow. We’ve both been through so much stuff. And I discovered that perhaps our mothers were the same, or so close its scary. She has an amazing voice and she’s the kind of person I can talk for hours with. I enjoy the times I hang with here, while very few. I met her in hell (Convergys) and have a blast with her every time we go to Karaoke. She’s taught me a lot about how a true friend should be, even if I don’t hang out with her that much. I also credit her for a lot of my confidence. Thanks!
Jeremy: This guy is amazing. He doesn’t know it but he is. He is another person responsible for my confidence. I don’t actually know him as in (I’ve never met him) but He is totally someone I could see hanging out with constantly. He is always equipped with some sort of retort that will make me laugh for hours. And always there for me when I need to rant about something… Really anything. He doesn’t give himself the credit he deserves so I figured I’d try and give him some credit here. This guy, is fucking awesome. Period.
Meg: She’s very intense and in your face bold. I enjoy the many hours we spent talking and hanging out. I think that when together we are an unstoppable duo of trouble and I mean that in a good way. While quick with a temper, she is also quick with being there for you whenever you need to rant. She’s also quite funny, coincidently. Pat’s other half and soon to spawn a child of her own. Someone I defiantly find responsible for my growth this year as we both did a lot of growing.
Honorable Mentions:
Leticia – My first and original model, and the person at the beginning to I babbled to the most.
RyanHood – The band it self. Amazing.
Brandalyn – Oh how you entertain me at work. You are truly hilarious.
Tucci – YAY For new friends and co-workers, thanks for making me feel welcome at the new job.
Aubrey – A friend from way back, I’m excited that you live in Tucson again, now if only we hung out a lot!
Beth – oh my god, you are too funny. I can’t wait until I live in jersey!
Heather – Thank you for giving me confidence in my photography and writing!
David – hey, without him I wouldn’t have fallen to pieces only to learn I can be put back together.
Thanks to everyone in my life and here’s to another year of learning and growing (hopefully emotionally, less physical growth!)
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Fat Girl Monologue
I think I may have discovered the reason I haven’t evoked any change in my life as far as diet goes.
As long as someone finds me pretty, I see no reason to change. I mean, why would I? If can continue to just be me and still have people like me just the same why do I need to be different? Why do I even need to loose the weight?
It could be argued that I should lose the weight to be healthy, but to be honest; I could care less about my health. I know that’s a stupid comment to make, probably almost naïve – But it’s an honest comment. I don’t really care.
The only thing I really care about is not being able to buy all the same cheap cute clothes as my friends in the Small, Medium and Large range can… but even that isn’t much of a driving factor, I wish it were.
The bottom line is, someone will always like me for who I am. Someone will always see past the THICK exterior, so I don’t change my life.
I should though, just because Fat is out and small is in, and we all want to keep up with the general consensus right?
What if the general consensus just changed? I’m serious; females were pulled who were considered “Obese” or “Morbidly Obese.” You know what the general consensus was? No one craved the size 1-7 body frame, they just wanted to be 1 or two sizes smaller, meaning they were still in the considerably over weight range.
The difference? People are becoming more confident in themselves so that weight is slowly taking a back burner, or at least less of importance, less of a strive to be skinny in my eyes, perhaps a bit smaller and healthier.
I think fat is much more appealing that being a toothpick. I mean, who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree right?
Random rant, I should lose weight – But I’m confidant enough in who I am, and someone has always liked me so why change?
As long as someone finds me pretty, I see no reason to change. I mean, why would I? If can continue to just be me and still have people like me just the same why do I need to be different? Why do I even need to loose the weight?
It could be argued that I should lose the weight to be healthy, but to be honest; I could care less about my health. I know that’s a stupid comment to make, probably almost naïve – But it’s an honest comment. I don’t really care.
The only thing I really care about is not being able to buy all the same cheap cute clothes as my friends in the Small, Medium and Large range can… but even that isn’t much of a driving factor, I wish it were.
The bottom line is, someone will always like me for who I am. Someone will always see past the THICK exterior, so I don’t change my life.
I should though, just because Fat is out and small is in, and we all want to keep up with the general consensus right?
What if the general consensus just changed? I’m serious; females were pulled who were considered “Obese” or “Morbidly Obese.” You know what the general consensus was? No one craved the size 1-7 body frame, they just wanted to be 1 or two sizes smaller, meaning they were still in the considerably over weight range.
The difference? People are becoming more confident in themselves so that weight is slowly taking a back burner, or at least less of importance, less of a strive to be skinny in my eyes, perhaps a bit smaller and healthier.
I think fat is much more appealing that being a toothpick. I mean, who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree right?
Random rant, I should lose weight – But I’m confidant enough in who I am, and someone has always liked me so why change?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
You make me smile, even just for a while.
I don't think I've ever had a movie impact me as much as the movie August Rush did. I'm not saying that I relate exactly to the story line at all. And that I can even play an instrument, I just know that music can effect you as strongly as it does the boy in the movie.
This movie hit me on so many levels that I laughed and cried all in one. I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time and it wasn't even a suspenseful movie, it just made me smile. The music was amazing.
In all actuality I cannot even begin to explain how great that movie was and how much it affected me. It's also gotten me to listen to a lot more classical…. Like I've become addicted to it.
Yay for movies that open your eyes to a whole world you paid a little attention to.
YAY and Thank you to ex-boyfriends who did the same, and for current friends who also aid in my conquest and love for music.
"The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen"
Reading: Paint it black - Janet Fitch
This movie hit me on so many levels that I laughed and cried all in one. I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time and it wasn't even a suspenseful movie, it just made me smile. The music was amazing.
In all actuality I cannot even begin to explain how great that movie was and how much it affected me. It's also gotten me to listen to a lot more classical…. Like I've become addicted to it.
Yay for movies that open your eyes to a whole world you paid a little attention to.
YAY and Thank you to ex-boyfriends who did the same, and for current friends who also aid in my conquest and love for music.
"The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen"
Reading: Paint it black - Janet Fitch
Thursday, November 15, 2007
If Stress were an Element, I’d be that Planeteer
This job has placed me into my element. For the first time in a LONG time I feel needed, I feel… worth it. Sure I get paid shit for money… but when I look at it, the most enjoyment I ever had was when I wasn't getting paid ANYTHING and still put into high stress environments.
I thrive entirely too well on being busy. And I don't mean as in "call after call we're busy" but more the fact that I have 12 tasks at hand and I need to accomplish them all by a certain time. There are deadlines to meet, printing to be done, and all while maintaining an awkward composure that I do.
I had jury duty today, and have to come back on the 27th of November if they decide to keep me based on how I answered the questions I answered today. But following jury duty I had to weave through traffic to get to work.
3 people are out sick and in an office of 5, that leaves one leg standing on its own and that leg certainly can't do everything. So, forgive me if I felt important, a bit of an ego puff coming in.
I love days where I have to answer calls, maintain the mail box and shipping document orders. It makes me go… Damn, I am awesome. When I complete everything and still have time to write up some silly little blog about how multiple tasks make me grin.
All I'm really missing is the IV injection of coffee… the water seems to be working at the moment.
I thrive entirely too well on being busy. And I don't mean as in "call after call we're busy" but more the fact that I have 12 tasks at hand and I need to accomplish them all by a certain time. There are deadlines to meet, printing to be done, and all while maintaining an awkward composure that I do.
I had jury duty today, and have to come back on the 27th of November if they decide to keep me based on how I answered the questions I answered today. But following jury duty I had to weave through traffic to get to work.
3 people are out sick and in an office of 5, that leaves one leg standing on its own and that leg certainly can't do everything. So, forgive me if I felt important, a bit of an ego puff coming in.
I love days where I have to answer calls, maintain the mail box and shipping document orders. It makes me go… Damn, I am awesome. When I complete everything and still have time to write up some silly little blog about how multiple tasks make me grin.
All I'm really missing is the IV injection of coffee… the water seems to be working at the moment.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Our minds are as different as our faces: we are all traveling to one destination
You know, over the course of a few days I've had some time to think – something I like to refrain from doing too much because it takes me in the spiral out of control into the dark shadows in my mind. It makes me remember the regrets and all the things that I missed out on doing.
But it also allows me to take a step back, and breathe in everything that I have done in 23-years of life. It allows me to also see what I have to look forward to and who I want to be.
But most of all this weekend allowed me to realize who I'd take with me if I had to give up all of my friends.
I was able to order the people in my life according to importance, and sadly people I figured would be high on my list, fell short. Mostly because I realize what kind of friends they are, and what there priorities are in life and how their life falls in or out of time with mine.
I want to find a basic harmony, where there isn't so much stress, there isn't so much drama – things just are and that's enough for me. ..
But it also allows me to take a step back, and breathe in everything that I have done in 23-years of life. It allows me to also see what I have to look forward to and who I want to be.
But most of all this weekend allowed me to realize who I'd take with me if I had to give up all of my friends.
I was able to order the people in my life according to importance, and sadly people I figured would be high on my list, fell short. Mostly because I realize what kind of friends they are, and what there priorities are in life and how their life falls in or out of time with mine.
I want to find a basic harmony, where there isn't so much stress, there isn't so much drama – things just are and that's enough for me. ..
"Some people come into our lives and quickley go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I Have A Confession to Make ....
With the aid of my office's CD burner… I have burned about 8 copies of the Backstreet Boys New CD Unbreakable. The sad part is that 7 of those copies are for me. I don't want to scratch the original CD… So I created 7 copies of it WITH a label printed on the actual disc itself.
Now the first set of three, I did with just a picture and realized that it was a bit off, so I had to redo it. Plus when I inserted the disc into the drive, it didn't actually give the track names.
That's where the next four came into play. It's a bit more edited and refined as far as the label goes. I put the same picture on the CD's again, but now with the Unbreakable logo on it. Then I went through and edited the track titles so they would show up when you put the disc into a player.
And as I'm typing this up, I thought to myself, my god I could make personalized CD's with each individual backstreet boy's picture on a CD by itself. Yes, I went there… and now I'm twitching trying not to actually complete said task, because then I would have 12 CDs.. all of which I wouldn't want to give up….
And if you're wondering how my math is coming along and are thinking 3+4 does not = 8 it's because I have the "Test" CD with no label, just some sharpie writing on it. This CD was used to see if the machine would actually burn the tracks to the CD and too my surprise it did. – And I want that one too.
But one of the 8 (not my sharpie one and not one of the first) is going to my friend Kristin....If I can part with it.
Now the first set of three, I did with just a picture and realized that it was a bit off, so I had to redo it. Plus when I inserted the disc into the drive, it didn't actually give the track names.
That's where the next four came into play. It's a bit more edited and refined as far as the label goes. I put the same picture on the CD's again, but now with the Unbreakable logo on it. Then I went through and edited the track titles so they would show up when you put the disc into a player.
And as I'm typing this up, I thought to myself, my god I could make personalized CD's with each individual backstreet boy's picture on a CD by itself. Yes, I went there… and now I'm twitching trying not to actually complete said task, because then I would have 12 CDs.. all of which I wouldn't want to give up….
And if you're wondering how my math is coming along and are thinking 3+4 does not = 8 it's because I have the "Test" CD with no label, just some sharpie writing on it. This CD was used to see if the machine would actually burn the tracks to the CD and too my surprise it did. – And I want that one too.
But one of the 8 (not my sharpie one and not one of the first) is going to my friend Kristin....If I can part with it.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Why You Shouldn't Make Friends With Stubborn People
There’s always something that starts a friendship and it can be something so simplistic as “I like your crayons… can I sit with you?” to “I will fucking KILL HIM!” while a short blonde poodle haired girl plops down next to you in the hallway in what would be your first week of high school. Glancing at the girl you think to yourself, she couldn’t hurt a fly if she wanted to. And then you see the burning rage in her Fern green eyes, and you rethink your original thought and suddenly are stricken with fear, or at least a small version of it.
Now its not the fear of death, where your life flashes before your eyes at all, but more of a Dear-god-is-that-notebook-going-to-accidently-fly-out-of-her-hand-and-come-within-cetimeteres-of-my-forehead type of fear.
These events started this bizarre friendship that would lead to an identity crisis, a secret bond through books and the beginning stages of the Jess-Jenn abridged dictionary.
She would understand when I was babbling incoherently through sobs and tears, and I would understand her when she would be on one of her Tyrants where “the thing with the guy” was to be interpreted as, “I couldn’t see my date lasting that long with the blonde guy from barns and noble because he was wearing the wrong shade of blue, I’m afraid.” – Where we both took pride in the mere thought that if anything either of us would be able to understand the place in which we were coming from, regardless of our status in life.
So when the friendship comes to a screeching halt because one party becomes offended by actions of the other, it’s often that same party that throws all sorts of offensive words that the other party until they are equally pissed off at the other. And so begins the wait out period…because now neither party is willing to truly admit fault, and actually say sorry and mean it first.
The picture that should be painted here is a stand off- old western style. Where each party stares wrathfully into the other’s piercing eyes, fingers twitching against the sides of their belt, ready to pull the trigger, but neither one willing to make the first move.
And so the days pass in this same stance – or maybe I’m just the one who feels more, and allows it to show, so these moments of anger seem to drag and make me more frustrated. But I can’t stop now; it’ll only show a sign of weakness, a willingness to cave.
Now its not the fear of death, where your life flashes before your eyes at all, but more of a Dear-god-is-that-notebook-going-to-accidently-fly-out-of-her-hand-and-come-within-cetimeteres-of-my-forehead type of fear.
These events started this bizarre friendship that would lead to an identity crisis, a secret bond through books and the beginning stages of the Jess-Jenn abridged dictionary.
She would understand when I was babbling incoherently through sobs and tears, and I would understand her when she would be on one of her Tyrants where “the thing with the guy” was to be interpreted as, “I couldn’t see my date lasting that long with the blonde guy from barns and noble because he was wearing the wrong shade of blue, I’m afraid.” – Where we both took pride in the mere thought that if anything either of us would be able to understand the place in which we were coming from, regardless of our status in life.
So when the friendship comes to a screeching halt because one party becomes offended by actions of the other, it’s often that same party that throws all sorts of offensive words that the other party until they are equally pissed off at the other. And so begins the wait out period…because now neither party is willing to truly admit fault, and actually say sorry and mean it first.
The picture that should be painted here is a stand off- old western style. Where each party stares wrathfully into the other’s piercing eyes, fingers twitching against the sides of their belt, ready to pull the trigger, but neither one willing to make the first move.
And so the days pass in this same stance – or maybe I’m just the one who feels more, and allows it to show, so these moments of anger seem to drag and make me more frustrated. But I can’t stop now; it’ll only show a sign of weakness, a willingness to cave.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Of Mice and Men....
So theres a guy that I used to work with, who I accidentally drunken texted last night. The conversation went as so:
Me: Hey, Whats up?
Dan: Nothing, lying in bed
Me: Lame.
---- End of Conversation ----
So this morning he texts me with the following:
Dan: Poke
Me: Hey
Dan: you never did text me after waking me up last night.
Me: Sorry, I had been drinking
Dan: We're friends right
Me: Uh, Why are you asking
Dan: I'm just saying we both know we are friends and it will never be anything more than that
Me: Um, I've ALWAYS said that
Dan: lol I'm just making sure that u don't don't take any of my comments toward you in the wrong way is all.
Me: I take them as they are Dan, you need to get laid, you solicit me for it, which I always decline. The End
Dan:haha fair enough, I wont leave them for you anymore since u don't understand where Im coming from. So if you think Im some sex starved idiot, why do you message me?
Me: I only talk to you when really bored... and apparantly drunk.
Him: Wow Some friend I am.
Me: Well Dan, it comes down to how you treat women, most things you say are of a sexual nature.. sometimes its mildly amusing.
Dan: Shrug
Me: Just know that I know 2 people you've tried your lines with, and remember your act only works if there is an audience
Dan:lol act like I'm some malicious predator
Me: Nah, just a guy what wants sexy from anyone and pretends theres something more to his intentions. Don't be such an immature ass.
Dan: Thanks
Me: Just trying to help you out, we all think you're nice, its your routine that sucks.
First of all, the guy is trying to make me out to be the one that solicits him. Like I would REALLY have that big of a problem getting sex if I REALLY felt like being that easy. I'm easy, but not that freaking easy. And he pulls the same shit on two other people I've worked with and I think its ridiculous. Because he messages ME about a bulletin I posted about how "I'm jealous that you had sex on the 24th, I wish it were with me" Which I DID NOT respond to because I just went "that's never gonna happen"
His routine is, play this really innocent "I'm lonely and horny" role with some girls, using the same lines and it just comes off pathetic.
Me: Hey, Whats up?
Dan: Nothing, lying in bed
Me: Lame.
---- End of Conversation ----
So this morning he texts me with the following:
Dan: Poke
Me: Hey
Dan: you never did text me after waking me up last night.
Me: Sorry, I had been drinking
Dan: We're friends right
Me: Uh, Why are you asking
Dan: I'm just saying we both know we are friends and it will never be anything more than that
Me: Um, I've ALWAYS said that
Dan: lol I'm just making sure that u don't don't take any of my comments toward you in the wrong way is all.
Me: I take them as they are Dan, you need to get laid, you solicit me for it, which I always decline. The End
Dan:haha fair enough, I wont leave them for you anymore since u don't understand where Im coming from. So if you think Im some sex starved idiot, why do you message me?
Me: I only talk to you when really bored... and apparantly drunk.
Him: Wow Some friend I am.
Me: Well Dan, it comes down to how you treat women, most things you say are of a sexual nature.. sometimes its mildly amusing.
Dan: Shrug
Me: Just know that I know 2 people you've tried your lines with, and remember your act only works if there is an audience
Dan:lol act like I'm some malicious predator
Me: Nah, just a guy what wants sexy from anyone and pretends theres something more to his intentions. Don't be such an immature ass.
Dan: Thanks
Me: Just trying to help you out, we all think you're nice, its your routine that sucks.
First of all, the guy is trying to make me out to be the one that solicits him. Like I would REALLY have that big of a problem getting sex if I REALLY felt like being that easy. I'm easy, but not that freaking easy. And he pulls the same shit on two other people I've worked with and I think its ridiculous. Because he messages ME about a bulletin I posted about how "I'm jealous that you had sex on the 24th, I wish it were with me" Which I DID NOT respond to because I just went "that's never gonna happen"
His routine is, play this really innocent "I'm lonely and horny" role with some girls, using the same lines and it just comes off pathetic.
Friday, October 26, 2007
All your twisted thoughts free flow.
I could type up this huge rant that I’m sure would be surveyed under a microscope to check for any error at all. Even the slightest misspelling and then later mocked for.
Or I could do what I’ve wanted to do all a long.
Forfeit.
This is why I so desperately need to escape. And while “running away from my problems” wont solve them; it sure as hell will get me out of the place that I’ve come to hate with every fiber of my being. And I’d say that’s a start.
If I could leave now and tell no one... I would.
Or I could do what I’ve wanted to do all a long.
Forfeit.
This is why I so desperately need to escape. And while “running away from my problems” wont solve them; it sure as hell will get me out of the place that I’ve come to hate with every fiber of my being. And I’d say that’s a start.
If I could leave now and tell no one... I would.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I didn’t even last a week.
Last Friday I got incredibly “rebellious” and decided I wanted to re-pierce my lip. Because I really liked the way it looked when I did have it.
Saturday my best friend said I looked like a Degenerate, she said it jokingly, but I knew she meant it, coming from a You-must-wear-stilettos-and-a-pencil-skirt-if-you-work-here type job and background.
Strike One.
Monday morning, I came into work, the first thing my boss said to me was that I couldn’t have it, even thought my prior boss had told me I could, as long as I put a band aid over it. My current boss informed me that I couldn’t have it, and had to take it out as soon as it heeled. Anyone else aware that piercing can take some time to heal, but I informed her that I could probably get a clear retainer for it within a week or so. But I was determined to be the “degenerate” that I was, and I really wanted this piercing.
Strike two.
I applied for a second job at the movie theater and part of their “Wardrobe 101” is that no facial piercing may be visible while at work. A.K.A, you have to take them out if you have them. I thought to myself, all right, I can get the retainer and keep that in when at work. I interviewed, and things looked really good – I apparently have to wait to see if I’m “rehire able” which, based on my track record (even if I DID give two weeks notice) they probably won’t. Hard to convince someone you’ve changed after 4 years I guess. And being the degenerate that I am, I doubt I’ll get the job. Which means I still need to continue my quest to find a second part time job.
Strike Three.
Cue to this morning at 10:00 AM, I could not stand the constant pain below my lower lip. I didn’t have this much irritation the first time I did it, and was getting tired of the soreness, and with all the Strikes against having it, I finally gave up my fight to have the piercing and took it out.
I didn’t even last a week.
Saturday my best friend said I looked like a Degenerate, she said it jokingly, but I knew she meant it, coming from a You-must-wear-stilettos-and-a-pencil-skirt-if-you-work-here type job and background.
Strike One.
Monday morning, I came into work, the first thing my boss said to me was that I couldn’t have it, even thought my prior boss had told me I could, as long as I put a band aid over it. My current boss informed me that I couldn’t have it, and had to take it out as soon as it heeled. Anyone else aware that piercing can take some time to heal, but I informed her that I could probably get a clear retainer for it within a week or so. But I was determined to be the “degenerate” that I was, and I really wanted this piercing.
Strike two.
I applied for a second job at the movie theater and part of their “Wardrobe 101” is that no facial piercing may be visible while at work. A.K.A, you have to take them out if you have them. I thought to myself, all right, I can get the retainer and keep that in when at work. I interviewed, and things looked really good – I apparently have to wait to see if I’m “rehire able” which, based on my track record (even if I DID give two weeks notice) they probably won’t. Hard to convince someone you’ve changed after 4 years I guess. And being the degenerate that I am, I doubt I’ll get the job. Which means I still need to continue my quest to find a second part time job.
Strike Three.
Cue to this morning at 10:00 AM, I could not stand the constant pain below my lower lip. I didn’t have this much irritation the first time I did it, and was getting tired of the soreness, and with all the Strikes against having it, I finally gave up my fight to have the piercing and took it out.
I didn’t even last a week.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Inconspicuously Me
Its dark in here, I cannot see
A world slowly consuming me.
Breach the obscurities,
and finally come clean,
Only to find myself in between.
I lay here fallen and disenchanted
Breaking the silence
pressing me close to your warmth
I'm only a breath from aberration
Moments away from disgrace.
Falling in pieces,
I have no name.
- Jennifer Marie
Any thoughts or ideas to make it better?
A world slowly consuming me.
Breach the obscurities,
and finally come clean,
Only to find myself in between.
I lay here fallen and disenchanted
Breaking the silence
pressing me close to your warmth
I'm only a breath from aberration
Moments away from disgrace.
Falling in pieces,
I have no name.
- Jennifer Marie
Any thoughts or ideas to make it better?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A cooking Lesson, From The Cooking Retard
So I confess my female innate senses are not really intact and I can't really cook much of anything if it doesn't come out of a box.
I like to gloat that I can make chicken Parmesan and even Chicken cordon bleu, but the truth is, the times I made those dishes, I had the assistance of my friend Laura on both accounts. So together, we can make some awesome Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cordon Bleu by following recipes from one of her families many cook books.
So, you'll find it no surprise that when I get in the meat section of a grocery store, if it isn't prepackaged and precooked, I have no idea what to do.
Hell, I don't even know how to tell what is a "good cut of meat" I just kind of, look at it and play roulette with the meat department. I'd even go as far to say as my roommate and I stood in the market just a few days ago, we both looked like a man in the tampon section.
She says, "I don't know how to do cook this, do you?"
and then I would look back at her with a blank expression and reply "no idea, theres hot dogs on sale?"
And I am not one to really eat hot dogs, as we grew up on mac and cheese, hot dogs and Ramen, so any of those 3 food items, I tend to steer clear from...Unless I'm desperate for food.
Well, Michelle and I got some raw meat from the meat section and our first night we grilled steak strips, a bit dry, but still good.
So tonight I come home, bent on cooking some of the chicken that we purchased on our little grocery shopping excursion, and when I got that chicken thawed I had to get past the "Ew you want me to touch that with my bare hands?" Because I'm the girl thats wearing zip lock bags to touch any raw meat - And just my luck, we're out of bags. So there I am with a fork and a piece of tinfoil trying to get the fork into the raw meat into a frying pan while pinching it with a piece of tinfoil
My Goal: Chicken and Rice with mushroom soup.
I started off by throwing the chicken in a skillet and cooking it a bit along with butter and some seasonings (Garlic salt/Pepper) Meanwhile, Ive started cooking some plain white rice.
Once the meat looked to be mostly cooked, I emptied the contents of the mushroom soup can into the skillet - praying that this all worked. I let that simmer for a bit, flipping the chicken over with a pancake turner, and then when the rice was finally was decently tender, and almost clear of water, I mixed it in with my chicken and soup concoction and allowed it to simmer.
The Result: Freaking Great.
My only complaint: Brown the chicken a bit longer.
I've conquered the chicken this time....
I like to gloat that I can make chicken Parmesan and even Chicken cordon bleu, but the truth is, the times I made those dishes, I had the assistance of my friend Laura on both accounts. So together, we can make some awesome Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cordon Bleu by following recipes from one of her families many cook books.
So, you'll find it no surprise that when I get in the meat section of a grocery store, if it isn't prepackaged and precooked, I have no idea what to do.
Hell, I don't even know how to tell what is a "good cut of meat" I just kind of, look at it and play roulette with the meat department. I'd even go as far to say as my roommate and I stood in the market just a few days ago, we both looked like a man in the tampon section.
She says, "I don't know how to do cook this, do you?"
and then I would look back at her with a blank expression and reply "no idea, theres hot dogs on sale?"
And I am not one to really eat hot dogs, as we grew up on mac and cheese, hot dogs and Ramen, so any of those 3 food items, I tend to steer clear from...Unless I'm desperate for food.
Well, Michelle and I got some raw meat from the meat section and our first night we grilled steak strips, a bit dry, but still good.
So tonight I come home, bent on cooking some of the chicken that we purchased on our little grocery shopping excursion, and when I got that chicken thawed I had to get past the "Ew you want me to touch that with my bare hands?" Because I'm the girl thats wearing zip lock bags to touch any raw meat - And just my luck, we're out of bags. So there I am with a fork and a piece of tinfoil trying to get the fork into the raw meat into a frying pan while pinching it with a piece of tinfoil
My Goal: Chicken and Rice with mushroom soup.
I started off by throwing the chicken in a skillet and cooking it a bit along with butter and some seasonings (Garlic salt/Pepper) Meanwhile, Ive started cooking some plain white rice.
Once the meat looked to be mostly cooked, I emptied the contents of the mushroom soup can into the skillet - praying that this all worked. I let that simmer for a bit, flipping the chicken over with a pancake turner, and then when the rice was finally was decently tender, and almost clear of water, I mixed it in with my chicken and soup concoction and allowed it to simmer.
The Result: Freaking Great.
My only complaint: Brown the chicken a bit longer.
I've conquered the chicken this time....
Monday, October 08, 2007
Advice To The Army Guy: Make less awkward advances.
Alright, so let me take a few moments to confess how lame I truly am.
I decided since my best friend was signing up for E-Harmony or some other online "meet a guy" technique, that I would take the free route, and I posted an Ad on Craigslist. It got a few responses, some of people I am still talking to, but haven't met yet, except one. We'll call him Lt. Dan.
Let me just say, I may not be the best thing since sliced bread, but you better believe I can dress myself in such a fashion that I might be able to convince you for even for a moment that I am.
Lt. Dan was one step above wearing velcro shoes and having his mom pack his lunch for him. Not only did I have to remind him that I am not a "touchy-Touchy" person but I also had to dodge about 6 different attempts at him kissing me.
At one point we were at a book store (a good key to my heart) and he asks me if I enjoy reading, which is probably one of my favorite things to do and I said, I enjoy it quite a bit and that I currently had four books open that I was currently reading simultaneously. He responds with "oh really? maybe we can read together sometime." - Which might be considered cute, but with my background, Not even a little. And I declined, explaining that reading was personal for me.
Let me just explain where I'm coming from when I say not even a little. To me, reading is a personal thing. Like, some people like to be alone for masturbation and not share it with someone, I like to be alone when I'm reading and not share it with people. I will share what I am reading, but I will not share those few precious moments where I can crawl inside of a books head and stay hidden from the world around me. And having knowing this guy and having to tell him six separate times that I don't really like to be touched, I figure he'd be the kind to constantly stroke my hair like you would a cat in your lap, and at one point during this awkward disaster in my life, he did.
I should also mention before the nightmare ended, he did in fact try to "read with me" and did in fact read a few paragraphs out loud. Which leads me to believe, he doesn't understand the concept of No.
He lacked a basic fashion sense, there were a lot of awkward pauses, a lot of uncomfortable silences, a lot of uncomfortable and unnecessary touching and several poor attempts to kiss me. Oh and the cheesy "you're the prettiest girl in the room" lines were driving me nuts.
And I'm the one who feels like a judgmental ass hole because He was a nice, but weird freaking guy. And based on all my lectures I have received, maybe I should feel so lucky that the Captain of the Retards has chosen me to be his Galactic Princess.
I'll have to decline the crown this time.
I decided since my best friend was signing up for E-Harmony or some other online "meet a guy" technique, that I would take the free route, and I posted an Ad on Craigslist. It got a few responses, some of people I am still talking to, but haven't met yet, except one. We'll call him Lt. Dan.
Let me just say, I may not be the best thing since sliced bread, but you better believe I can dress myself in such a fashion that I might be able to convince you for even for a moment that I am.
Lt. Dan was one step above wearing velcro shoes and having his mom pack his lunch for him. Not only did I have to remind him that I am not a "touchy-Touchy" person but I also had to dodge about 6 different attempts at him kissing me.
At one point we were at a book store (a good key to my heart) and he asks me if I enjoy reading, which is probably one of my favorite things to do and I said, I enjoy it quite a bit and that I currently had four books open that I was currently reading simultaneously. He responds with "oh really? maybe we can read together sometime." - Which might be considered cute, but with my background, Not even a little. And I declined, explaining that reading was personal for me.
Let me just explain where I'm coming from when I say not even a little. To me, reading is a personal thing. Like, some people like to be alone for masturbation and not share it with someone, I like to be alone when I'm reading and not share it with people. I will share what I am reading, but I will not share those few precious moments where I can crawl inside of a books head and stay hidden from the world around me. And having knowing this guy and having to tell him six separate times that I don't really like to be touched, I figure he'd be the kind to constantly stroke my hair like you would a cat in your lap, and at one point during this awkward disaster in my life, he did.
I should also mention before the nightmare ended, he did in fact try to "read with me" and did in fact read a few paragraphs out loud. Which leads me to believe, he doesn't understand the concept of No.
He lacked a basic fashion sense, there were a lot of awkward pauses, a lot of uncomfortable silences, a lot of uncomfortable and unnecessary touching and several poor attempts to kiss me. Oh and the cheesy "you're the prettiest girl in the room" lines were driving me nuts.
And I'm the one who feels like a judgmental ass hole because He was a nice, but weird freaking guy. And based on all my lectures I have received, maybe I should feel so lucky that the Captain of the Retards has chosen me to be his Galactic Princess.
I'll have to decline the crown this time.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Reflections in My Utopia
In the form of quotes
"Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played the part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart" – Shape of My Heart (BSB)
"I find myself scared to let people close to me, I’m afraid that they will see how truly broken I am, and not want to be near me. Not want anything to do with me." – Myself.
I still feel this way.
"I want to be a photographer. I want to be a writer. I want to live the life of a vagabond, going from place to place, I don’t ever want to settle in one spot because I want to see the world. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife. I want adopt a child. I want to dance in both the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I want to save a life. I want to be someone’s world. I want to be a teacher. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn how to write. I want to own a house on a lake with so much land you have to take a car or a horse or a quad to the other side. I want to write a novel. Be in a magazine. Write for a magazine. Graduate college. I want to be someone." – Myself (Friday, August 4th, 2006)
I still want most of these things.
"Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never But you never had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now" – Wonderwall (Oasis/HowieDay/RyanAdams)
Pretty much the same, different people fit this song. New people, Old People. Good people. – Not so much bad people. Or a person specifically.
"I was having a conversation with someone tonight about being social outcast, and avoiding human interaction. Basically about being a wallflower and refusing to let people in, or more so being afraid to let people in, which I often find myself, worried over. Thoughts of what people will think of me if they knew the core of me...and then It made me think about why I have a need/want to be with someone. To get married, to experience life that way... and then I thought of a quote from a movie I watched today. Shall We Dance? In the movie one of the character says...
"We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ’Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."
and I realized that this particular quote... hits me perfectly...Why I have to be around people, why I’m afraid to be alone... I need someone to witness my life...
- Myself
This would still be nice.
Looking back on old posts from over a year ago, I can’t help but feel I am better now. I still have problems and I still get down, but wow, not nearly as much as I used to. However, I feel like I’ve replaced the sadness with a bitter person. So I will have to work on that and maybe a year from now, I can be not bitter, but a genuinely happy person.
I’m still hopeful.
"Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played the part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart" – Shape of My Heart (BSB)
"I find myself scared to let people close to me, I’m afraid that they will see how truly broken I am, and not want to be near me. Not want anything to do with me." – Myself.
I still feel this way.
"I want to be a photographer. I want to be a writer. I want to live the life of a vagabond, going from place to place, I don’t ever want to settle in one spot because I want to see the world. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife. I want adopt a child. I want to dance in both the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I want to save a life. I want to be someone’s world. I want to be a teacher. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn how to write. I want to own a house on a lake with so much land you have to take a car or a horse or a quad to the other side. I want to write a novel. Be in a magazine. Write for a magazine. Graduate college. I want to be someone." – Myself (Friday, August 4th, 2006)
I still want most of these things.
"Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never But you never had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now" – Wonderwall (Oasis/HowieDay/RyanAdams)
Pretty much the same, different people fit this song. New people, Old People. Good people. – Not so much bad people. Or a person specifically.
"I was having a conversation with someone tonight about being social outcast, and avoiding human interaction. Basically about being a wallflower and refusing to let people in, or more so being afraid to let people in, which I often find myself, worried over. Thoughts of what people will think of me if they knew the core of me...and then It made me think about why I have a need/want to be with someone. To get married, to experience life that way... and then I thought of a quote from a movie I watched today. Shall We Dance? In the movie one of the character says...
"We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ’Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."
and I realized that this particular quote... hits me perfectly...Why I have to be around people, why I’m afraid to be alone... I need someone to witness my life...
- Myself
This would still be nice.
Looking back on old posts from over a year ago, I can’t help but feel I am better now. I still have problems and I still get down, but wow, not nearly as much as I used to. However, I feel like I’ve replaced the sadness with a bitter person. So I will have to work on that and maybe a year from now, I can be not bitter, but a genuinely happy person.
I’m still hopeful.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
You Have Stolen, You have Stolen My Heart
I had so many stories to tell about my trip. Things I did, things that happened and now as I sit here in front of the keys they all seemed to have escaped my mind and I am sitting here feeling vacant.
I miss the smells of New Jersey, the things that I did, I miss the company I had. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are all amazing and wonderful, but I think I found the missing part of my puzzle – its not a person, its not a thing – it's a place. Something that I have come to find would make me feel more complete, more at home with myself. Just being there made me want to evoke changes in my life.
I spent Sunday in the city, it was awesome – Pretty much everything I've ever wanted and then some. I cannot even begin to find the words that can describe the feelings the emotions I had while there. Everything was at peace in my mind and It was like I knew this was where I had to be. When you're in New York City, it doesn't matter who you are when walking the streets, you're still just the same as everyone else there and you will get shoved around just the same. It was fantastic. I felt so small standing among these skyscrapers that towered over me making downtown look like step stools compared to these buildings.
Ground Zero was an incredibly sententious experience for me. It was like when I hear songs about certain things that always hit home. The hairs on my arms were raised, I felt shivers crawl down my spine. It put me in the heart of somewhere I was not used to being; and a whole new wave of compassion flooded through me.
Special Thank You to Jake for allowing me a place to crash, and for taking me on all these little adventures. It would not have been the same if it weren't for you. You are awesome and words really cannot express how thankful I am.
Another special thank you to Laura for fronting the money for me to go, without you I would not have been able to experience this, and I will pay you back ASAP. (More sooner than later)
I miss the smells of New Jersey, the things that I did, I miss the company I had. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are all amazing and wonderful, but I think I found the missing part of my puzzle – its not a person, its not a thing – it's a place. Something that I have come to find would make me feel more complete, more at home with myself. Just being there made me want to evoke changes in my life.
I spent Sunday in the city, it was awesome – Pretty much everything I've ever wanted and then some. I cannot even begin to find the words that can describe the feelings the emotions I had while there. Everything was at peace in my mind and It was like I knew this was where I had to be. When you're in New York City, it doesn't matter who you are when walking the streets, you're still just the same as everyone else there and you will get shoved around just the same. It was fantastic. I felt so small standing among these skyscrapers that towered over me making downtown look like step stools compared to these buildings.
Ground Zero was an incredibly sententious experience for me. It was like when I hear songs about certain things that always hit home. The hairs on my arms were raised, I felt shivers crawl down my spine. It put me in the heart of somewhere I was not used to being; and a whole new wave of compassion flooded through me.
Special Thank You to Jake for allowing me a place to crash, and for taking me on all these little adventures. It would not have been the same if it weren't for you. You are awesome and words really cannot express how thankful I am.
Another special thank you to Laura for fronting the money for me to go, without you I would not have been able to experience this, and I will pay you back ASAP. (More sooner than later)
Friday, September 21, 2007
That's Me In the Corner, That's Me In the Spot Light...
I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
That
I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
It just got serious
I was in love before, but now I think it just got serious.
I got a text from my friend Katie saying “remember to come back.” I laughed when I read it, because surely I would come back, and now I’m sitting here wondering how I didn’t get out here sooner.
Jake took me to NYC last night, and can I just say, that was probably the BEST birthday gift ever?! I mean, I almost wet myself just seeing the skyline from the window of the airport, but at night. Wow. That city really doesn’t sleep! – We didn’t even get there until 11 PM and it was still busy as hell.
The culture, the differences were just, it was almost like shell shock.
So we ate at this place called Yum Yum Bangkok, and I have to admit, I only picked the place because of how ridiculous “Yum Yum” was. When we got there, I ordered and Iced tea, she mumbled something to me about Thai tea, and I thought, sure Thai tea sounds uh, like every other tea….It wasn’t. It was orange…. But it was good, it took a few sips to get used to the idea that I wasn’t drinking like, ice tea that I expect from Arizona and all, but it was good. New favorite drink for sure.
So that leads me to the menu – I didn’t understand one bit of it and it was all in English, so I found the noodle part, because Hell, I’m a fat kid, anything with noodles has to be good right? I kid you not; I just pointed at the menu at some random thing and said “that sounds good.”
And it was.
Ashley wasn’t joking when she said the skyline was the best at night. It was FABULOUS. Yes I said fabulous, speaking of fabulous, do you realize how many gay guys live in NYC? Good-god it would be like a “Fag-Hags” dream. – But they were dressed well.
After NYC, Jake took me to his old “hood” and uh, that’s not a hood. That was beautiful. The houses, the streets (did I mention everyone drives crazy out here? And white lines are more of a suggestion…) everything. It was all so pretty. And FYI – The beach I was at last night (5 minutes from his “hood”) had better sand than any California or Oregon beach. It was 10x softer, and the water was actually warmer than Oregon’s icy water in June.
How I’m going to get on that plane Monday morning; well… Guys, I’ll be seeing you….
Or maybe I won’t?
Hey, you’re supposed to do anything for love right?
P.S – I still love Chicago Pizza more!
I got a text from my friend Katie saying “remember to come back.” I laughed when I read it, because surely I would come back, and now I’m sitting here wondering how I didn’t get out here sooner.
Jake took me to NYC last night, and can I just say, that was probably the BEST birthday gift ever?! I mean, I almost wet myself just seeing the skyline from the window of the airport, but at night. Wow. That city really doesn’t sleep! – We didn’t even get there until 11 PM and it was still busy as hell.
The culture, the differences were just, it was almost like shell shock.
So we ate at this place called Yum Yum Bangkok, and I have to admit, I only picked the place because of how ridiculous “Yum Yum” was. When we got there, I ordered and Iced tea, she mumbled something to me about Thai tea, and I thought, sure Thai tea sounds uh, like every other tea….It wasn’t. It was orange…. But it was good, it took a few sips to get used to the idea that I wasn’t drinking like, ice tea that I expect from Arizona and all, but it was good. New favorite drink for sure.
So that leads me to the menu – I didn’t understand one bit of it and it was all in English, so I found the noodle part, because Hell, I’m a fat kid, anything with noodles has to be good right? I kid you not; I just pointed at the menu at some random thing and said “that sounds good.”
And it was.
Ashley wasn’t joking when she said the skyline was the best at night. It was FABULOUS. Yes I said fabulous, speaking of fabulous, do you realize how many gay guys live in NYC? Good-god it would be like a “Fag-Hags” dream. – But they were dressed well.
After NYC, Jake took me to his old “hood” and uh, that’s not a hood. That was beautiful. The houses, the streets (did I mention everyone drives crazy out here? And white lines are more of a suggestion…) everything. It was all so pretty. And FYI – The beach I was at last night (5 minutes from his “hood”) had better sand than any California or Oregon beach. It was 10x softer, and the water was actually warmer than Oregon’s icy water in June.
How I’m going to get on that plane Monday morning; well… Guys, I’ll be seeing you….
Or maybe I won’t?
Hey, you’re supposed to do anything for love right?
P.S – I still love Chicago Pizza more!
Monday, September 10, 2007
“YES! I have a pimple.”
Disclaimer - This post my be more information than you might have wanted to know.
I never thought I’d wake up and go “YES! I have a pimple.”
Does anyone even do that? Because I totally did. I guess I should rewind a bit and fill you in on the acne case. I have rather decent skin, usually void of any pimples of any sort until about 2-3 days before I start my period, in which case my chin or forehead turn into a planetary solar system of dots, usually the red throbbing I-have-my-own-heart-beat kind.
So Saturday morning I wake up and feel my chin, there’s a pimple, while it doesn’t hurt, I think it could be in its early breathing stages, so I shriek in joy “YES FINALLY!”
Thinking that I will get my period.
And that leads me to point B of this story. In about nine days I am leaving for a vacation trip in which I will be seeing a guy I am rather fond of, I intend on doing things of a questionable nature with him, but I fear nature may step in and laugh at me instead by causing the red sea to flow for 4 out of the 5 days I will be there.
This all explains why every time I go to the bathroom I eagerly await the spotting like a girl who thinks she may be pregnant does.
Anyone remember the movie where the Heart Is with Natalie Portman? I am reminded of a specific part when she had slept with someone and feared that she may be pregnant so she takes a test while at the town Library, and from behind closed doors you can hear her screams “YES OH GOD THANK YOU!”
I need that to happen to me within the next two to three days.
Anyone know of any voodoo magic I can do to get things moving along?
I never thought I’d wake up and go “YES! I have a pimple.”
Does anyone even do that? Because I totally did. I guess I should rewind a bit and fill you in on the acne case. I have rather decent skin, usually void of any pimples of any sort until about 2-3 days before I start my period, in which case my chin or forehead turn into a planetary solar system of dots, usually the red throbbing I-have-my-own-heart-beat kind.
So Saturday morning I wake up and feel my chin, there’s a pimple, while it doesn’t hurt, I think it could be in its early breathing stages, so I shriek in joy “YES FINALLY!”
Thinking that I will get my period.
And that leads me to point B of this story. In about nine days I am leaving for a vacation trip in which I will be seeing a guy I am rather fond of, I intend on doing things of a questionable nature with him, but I fear nature may step in and laugh at me instead by causing the red sea to flow for 4 out of the 5 days I will be there.
This all explains why every time I go to the bathroom I eagerly await the spotting like a girl who thinks she may be pregnant does.
Anyone remember the movie where the Heart Is with Natalie Portman? I am reminded of a specific part when she had slept with someone and feared that she may be pregnant so she takes a test while at the town Library, and from behind closed doors you can hear her screams “YES OH GOD THANK YOU!”
I need that to happen to me within the next two to three days.
Anyone know of any voodoo magic I can do to get things moving along?
Friday, September 07, 2007
Ode to Green Tea (with raspberry)
I got bored, I was at work... I had to write this silly little poem
Oh green tea with squirts of raspberry,
How I love thee.
You quench my thirst
And make me smile.
You refresh my mind,
Slurp Slurp.
Mmm, good till the last drop.
Gasp! The last drop,
You come too soon
For the green tea that I love
(with raspberry)
Alone sits the ice, void of
My green tea paradise.
Damn you Starbucks.
Damn you.
- Jennie Marie
Oh green tea with squirts of raspberry,
How I love thee.
You quench my thirst
And make me smile.
You refresh my mind,
Slurp Slurp.
Mmm, good till the last drop.
Gasp! The last drop,
You come too soon
For the green tea that I love
(with raspberry)
Alone sits the ice, void of
My green tea paradise.
Damn you Starbucks.
Damn you.
- Jennie Marie
Monday, August 13, 2007
Paradise will be kind of a Library
So – I’m excited because I bought two new books today. I bought Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, as suggested by my lovely best friend Jessica. And impulses buy of another book because it was only 4.00 Have you Seen Me? By Laura Denham because it seemed interesting.
So I will be diving back into my bookworm world and submerging myself into the lives of the characters unfolded in each book.
Not to mention I’m working on First Person Plural by Cameron West PhD, however, this book is more of a one chapter at a time kind of read as I have a feeling it will be very similar to When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase which was actually the first book in my life to ever “kick my ass.” As it was a very tough read and extremely emotional, I don’t think one side of my brain wasn’t molested by this book. It was defiantly a mind-fuck.
Woo.
"When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story's voice makes everything its own" - John Berger
So I will be diving back into my bookworm world and submerging myself into the lives of the characters unfolded in each book.
Not to mention I’m working on First Person Plural by Cameron West PhD, however, this book is more of a one chapter at a time kind of read as I have a feeling it will be very similar to When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase which was actually the first book in my life to ever “kick my ass.” As it was a very tough read and extremely emotional, I don’t think one side of my brain wasn’t molested by this book. It was defiantly a mind-fuck.
Woo.
"When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story's voice makes everything its own" - John Berger
Monday, July 30, 2007
never good with the follow through.
And here’s the part where I think I may be overly deranged or unhinged, heartless bitch even.
I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”
Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.
So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?
Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.
I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?
Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.
I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”
Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.
So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?
Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.
I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?
Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Take a look, its in a book, its Reading Rainbow.
Every book is always the same. I rush to fall into the lives of these fictional characters. Detaching myself from the world around me and become part of the book, living and breathing the characters.
I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.
I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.
Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.
I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.
I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.
Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I need to make a change
How to say it like it is? Well basically I've been feeling less inclined to look at myself in the mirror. Less inclined to take photos of myself and even more so less inclined to be around people in a public setting.
In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.
Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.
And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.
And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.
I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.
It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...
Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?
In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.
Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.
And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.
And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.
I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.
It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...
Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
And so it is, just like you said it would be
I laid there in the dark, my mind twisting over the fact that I had to be up in a few hours. The humid air, caused my hair to matte against the nape of my neck and forehead.
Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.
I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.
Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.
I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.
From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.
And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...
"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."
And yet, I still miss him.
Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.
I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.
Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.
I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.
From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.
And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...
"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."
And yet, I still miss him.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Things That Do Not Fly Well With ME
I've had the fortunate and unfortunate experience with men. As I talk to quite a few, either in my daily life, or even on myspace and other chat programs (AIM/Yahoo.) and I discovered from this, that there are 5 GUARANTEED ways to make me go "ugh..." I don't think its THAT harsh of requirements.....
1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.
2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.
3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.
4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.
5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.
I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.
- Jennie
1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.
2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.
3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.
4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.
5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.
I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.
- Jennie
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Guess Who's Excited...
Its me.
I get to go to NYC... I will be like 30-40-50... Erm, Close enough to NYC on my birthday and it will be freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I am 12 kinds of excited.
My friend Laura (who btw ROCKS! and will be getting beach sand) booked my flight for me, since they were rather cheap (210 RT) and I will be forever grateful to her because Yea, I've always wanted to go to NYC....
And, I get to stay with someone who's kind of awesome. YAY!
AND I get to and Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Tennessee to the list of states I've been to, and my goal is to have been to all 48 contiguous states by the time I'm 40...
So far...
Arizona
California
New Mexico
Texas
Missouri
Illinois
Kentucky
Oregon
Nevada
Indiana
Woo hoo!
I get to go to NYC... I will be like 30-40-50... Erm, Close enough to NYC on my birthday and it will be freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I am 12 kinds of excited.
My friend Laura (who btw ROCKS! and will be getting beach sand) booked my flight for me, since they were rather cheap (210 RT) and I will be forever grateful to her because Yea, I've always wanted to go to NYC....
And, I get to stay with someone who's kind of awesome. YAY!
AND I get to and Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Tennessee to the list of states I've been to, and my goal is to have been to all 48 contiguous states by the time I'm 40...
So far...
Arizona
California
New Mexico
Texas
Missouri
Illinois
Kentucky
Oregon
Nevada
Indiana
Woo hoo!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
School may be out, but I'm still thinkin' about it.
I'm trying to go back to school, but now that I'm heading back (or attempting anyway) I've been doing some research and trying to figure out what exactly I want to attain degree wise.
First of all, thanks to my past job, I realized how heavily into marketing and the entire advertising concept. Well, Palantir (high school newspaper) is responsible for the advertising bit. But I remember going to different marketing meetings at Intuit and thinking "whoa, I should do this, I could totally see myself doing this kind of job." So thats kind of a different side of me, that I don't think many people were aware of.
Marketing Degree
-Pros-
It's something I could honestly see myself doing.
I'd learn quite a bit (I like learning)
Its actually a high paying field if you get in right.
It's completely different from what people would think I'd want.
-Cons-
- Theres about 8 math classes required.
- Plus the 2-3 that I will have to take to get up to regular math standards.
- That is a lot of math...
- I hate math...
- I could end up working for K-mart.
Arts Degree with a concentration on Photography
We've all seen what I do with a camera....
- Pros -
- Its Photography.
- There would be a lot of art type classes.
- Its less grueling.
- If I play my cards right, I could be in a pretty exciting career.
- Cons -
- Art degree majors go on to work at Michaels.
Journalism
Radio Fascinates me however, If I were to do print journalism, I'd want to have to do with more page layout and design than writing/reporting.
- Pros -
- I could go for an audio/video journalism degree
- Could mean a career in Radio. (I've always wanted this)
- Or Behind the scenes for a TV station. (The perks could be good)
- I loved journalism in H.S
- Cons -
- I really can't write THAT well.
- I could get stuck never working in radio
- I could go on to work at Wal-Mart
So the choices are there, and now I'm looking for your input....
Do I go with a marketing degree, with a photography minor. Do I go with just the art degree, or do I go Journalism, and pursue a career in radio.... Because either way, I'd be happy with any of these degrees. I'm looking for the some input from people who aren't me, because they might see something I don't and know something I don't....
So what should I do?
First of all, thanks to my past job, I realized how heavily into marketing and the entire advertising concept. Well, Palantir (high school newspaper) is responsible for the advertising bit. But I remember going to different marketing meetings at Intuit and thinking "whoa, I should do this, I could totally see myself doing this kind of job." So thats kind of a different side of me, that I don't think many people were aware of.
Marketing Degree
-Pros-
It's something I could honestly see myself doing.
I'd learn quite a bit (I like learning)
Its actually a high paying field if you get in right.
It's completely different from what people would think I'd want.
-Cons-
- Theres about 8 math classes required.
- Plus the 2-3 that I will have to take to get up to regular math standards.
- That is a lot of math...
- I hate math...
- I could end up working for K-mart.
Arts Degree with a concentration on Photography
We've all seen what I do with a camera....
- Pros -
- Its Photography.
- There would be a lot of art type classes.
- Its less grueling.
- If I play my cards right, I could be in a pretty exciting career.
- Cons -
- Art degree majors go on to work at Michaels.
Journalism
Radio Fascinates me however, If I were to do print journalism, I'd want to have to do with more page layout and design than writing/reporting.
- Pros -
- I could go for an audio/video journalism degree
- Could mean a career in Radio. (I've always wanted this)
- Or Behind the scenes for a TV station. (The perks could be good)
- I loved journalism in H.S
- Cons -
- I really can't write THAT well.
- I could get stuck never working in radio
- I could go on to work at Wal-Mart
So the choices are there, and now I'm looking for your input....
Do I go with a marketing degree, with a photography minor. Do I go with just the art degree, or do I go Journalism, and pursue a career in radio.... Because either way, I'd be happy with any of these degrees. I'm looking for the some input from people who aren't me, because they might see something I don't and know something I don't....
So what should I do?
Monday, May 28, 2007
A Poem.
I am the asshole.
I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.
I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.
I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.
I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.
I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.
I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.
I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.
Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.
I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.
I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.
I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.
I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.
I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.
I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.
I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.
Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
20 things I've learned lately.
Within recent and non recent events I have noticed the true meaning to cause and effect. For every action, there is a reaction. As so, a single butterfly's wings fluttering could cause something outrageous to happen clear across the world. The butterfly effect.
From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.
In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.
1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.
From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.
In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.
1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
"Save Me From The Nothing I've Become"
It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm up and ready to go... why? Because I've been sleeping entire days away.
I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.
My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.
Conversations generally go like this:
Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)
I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.
Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?
And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.
I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.
I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.
It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.
Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.
She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.
Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.
I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.
My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.
Conversations generally go like this:
Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)
I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.
Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?
And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.
I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.
I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.
It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.
Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.
She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.
Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.
Friday, May 11, 2007
make believe, close your eyes..
You know what I hate about myself? that I actually allow myself to get my hopes up. That I allow myself to like people enough that it really bends me out of shape if I don't see them.
I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.
Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.
I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.
I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.
I'm not that girl.
I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.
So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.
"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."
I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.
Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.
I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.
I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.
I'm not that girl.
I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.
So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.
"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."
Saturday, April 07, 2007
What hurts most....
So yea, I hate the fact that I have feelings and that peoples actions make me jealous/upset/pissed off/Irritated/Depressed/Forgotten.
I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.
I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.
I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.
I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.
Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."
Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.
I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."
and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."
I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"
I'm a fucking loser.
And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"
The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.
Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.
Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.
Everything.
How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.
The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"
And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.
I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...
Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.
Hope all is well with everyone.
I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.
I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.
I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.
I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.
Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."
Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.
I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."
and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."
I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"
I'm a fucking loser.
And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"
The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.
Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.
Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.
Everything.
How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.
The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"
And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.
I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...
Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.
Hope all is well with everyone.
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