What hurts most....

So yea, I hate the fact that I have feelings and that peoples actions make me jealous/upset/pissed off/Irritated/Depressed/Forgotten.

I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.

I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.

I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.

I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.

Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."

Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.

I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."

and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."

I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"

I'm a fucking loser.

And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"

The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.

Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.

Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.

Everything.

How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.

The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"

And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.

I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...

Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Don't know how else to say it....

Can we say frustration much?

Seriously.

I've been trying hard not to totally explode on people and just unload every thought and emotion I have about whatever is bothering me because really, who wants to listen to someone's troubles? Not very many people and if they do listen they give these reject responses that do nothing by make me more frustrated. But then thats probably my own fault, of course.

There are so many things that are just irritating the hell out of me and if I try and get someone to listen to me vent, I just feel bad for even opening my mouth and question why I even feel the way I do.

Am I just an uptight person?

Or do I just suck THAT much to be around, that people can't really even make plans to hang out. I guess when I say I want to talk, really I don't want to talk I just want to do something that takes me mind off of all the shit thats going on in my life.

Rents due, and not to be a total jerk, but I'm willing to bet that my roommate doesn't have her share. I do, even though I just got laid off, I have the money for that. We got our first months phone bill, thats more than I expected it to be and neither of us have a job.

Is it sad that I think I'll have a job before my roommate gets one? Because she hasn't been working for two weeks....I get worried and frustrated because I'm the only one paying for anything. Money is coming up missing and so is a lot of my stuff and if it isn't missing its broken, and if its broken, of course I don't get told unless I happen to stumble upon it.

I expect people to be grown up about things, but apparently thats asking too much. Just like me asking for solid plans from people is too much. They can't ever say "yea, We'll do this" because they want to leave the door open just in case something better comes along... Because apparently I'm not worth it.

Please, reject me some more because I don't already feel like the worlds biggest reject. I can't even use my own god damned judgment to pick something good, I always end up picking the wrong thing.

Feeling fucking fantastic.

If my past is any sign of my future.

So after a bizarre dream I had last night I woke up with my brain already drilling me with questions and thoughts.

It could be the stresses I already have with current life situations that I have a habit of putting myself in out of my lack of judgment or ability to have poor judgment.

What kind of reject am I if someone with major problems doesn’t even want me? Its like, if I can’t get the hinky one eyed reject, what makes me think I’ll ever get anyone better?

I’ve thought about how I try to hold on to relationships that I have for whatever stupid reason, and as I think back on them, I wonder to myself why?

I’m pissed off that people can fall in love with “glorified” personas of me, but not me.

Am I that so unhinged that the only thing I can attract are weirdoes who just want me for sexual reasons? - don’t get me wrong I like sex, I just like it more with meaning, Yea, I’m such a girl for that reason. Heaven forbid I want to be seen as more than a sex object.

Do I have a sign that says “Use me” – I’m tired of allowing myself to be such a doormat to people.

Must work on that.

Also, Quote of the Week:

“When people talk behind your back it’s because you are too much of a coward to know the truth and turn and face them and stand up for yourself.” – Myself

(I may have jumped the guns on my blatant and retarded post before.)

I must be fine cause my hearts still beating

So I got my IPOD, its freaking amazing. I’m slowly but surely getting all my CDS transferred onto it and it excites me. It makes work go by much quicker. It’s more tolerable.

Down side, it came with 1000 awesomely cool classic rock songs and I was totally psyched. And then when I was trying to add my own music, I totally deleted all of the songs that were on there.

I was bummed.

So yes, I feel like I’ve entered the 21st century... FINALLY.

Don’t look down, you’ll fall down, you’ll become the sacrifice.

So I guess, I’m happy. Is that okay for me to say at the stage in my life that I am in?

I mean sure I have something’s that upset me, and are making things a bit harder, but I’m generally happy.

I realized this when I was at work, and I was thinking about how much I smile more at work, and how I’m actually happy to be around people and such.

I realized that certain situations I had put myself in, in the past weren’t making me happy all around. It wasn’t just affecting my home life, but my life inside of work. I was never a smiley type. If someone asked me how I was, I was “okay,” I guess now when people ask me how I am I’m usually “great” or “good” which is way better than “okay.”

I’m very content. I love my new place, even the location isn’t THAT bad, or at least I haven’t noticed. Things are going well. My roommate makes me laugh on a daily basis, it’s like we live together and it’s not just us living in the same house. We actually converse there are few texts – unless of course we’re being silly. We hang out. We’re friends. I don’t feel like I’m “intruding.” Its Fantastic. It’s like I was living alone, but I have someone to talk to... best of both worlds.

Another thing I noticed was I was happy from the start of this. Previous situations I was feeling awkward had the sense that it wasn’t going to be right.

So yay for being happy!

Before you call a technical support line..

Before you call a technical support line, here are 20 things you should know.

1. Do not yell at us, we don’t care. In fact, we’re less likely to assist you if you are yelling at us. Didn’t your mother ever tell you yelling never solved anything? And if you do in fact insist on yelling or being generally rude, you are SO getting a time out. (I.E we will disconnect the call and you can “think” about what you did while waiting another 30-40 minutes for someone to answer the phone... We don’t suggest you continue yelling when the next agent answers.)
2. Do not use the “Puff Up” tactic. – Again, we don’t care. You can be Prince Ali Ababa, and we really don’t care. If you would like to inform us that you are Doctor James Johnson, Fantastic, you spent a lot of money on a title that really won’t do much for you when you call a technical support number. Maybe in your little “club” will you get recognition, but here... you are the same moron calling in for help just like every other peon person you disregard on the street.
3.Please do not waste my time by telling me what you had for breakfast or who you saw at the store.
4. If you have annoying pets (birds, yapping dogs, children...) Please lock them in a closet, the basement, the attic or put them outside before you call. Thank you.
5. Your attitude problem will not get you better results.
6. Speaking to our supervisors 9 time out of 10, will do NOTHING but have you waste someone else minesweeper time to get the same answer that we just gave you.
7. Your petty little “competitor threats” mean nothing to us. Maybe in the sales retention department would they care, however, you are calling technical support, there for you are causing us to work, and to actually not have conversations with co-workers. So if you decide to switch to the competitor because of something we cannot control like how the Bank of America website isn’t allowing you to click a link and you’ve called Fast Tax for assistance, you made the wrong call buddy, not me.
8. This goes along with number one, remember, you are calling me for help, treat me nice, and I will assist you. Treat me badly, and your question may or may not be answered.
9. Because we are technical support, does not mean we can fix other peoples errors and if we can, we probably wont, because that’s not our job (i.e. if windows is having a problem and giving you an error message, call Microsoft... not FastTax)
10. Please do not eat while talking into the phone, your slurps and gurgles are gross.
11. On that note as well, please do not talk to use while you are in the bathroom, when we here the toilet flushing us, we instantly want to release your call and set you back into the 40-50 minute wait you just had.
12. Don’t tell us how many years you have used this product, we probably weren’t with the company back then, and if we were, we wouldn’t be answering the freaking phone.
13. If you are on hold for a long time, chances are we are really busy, do not complain about the hold time, we’re just as busy answering call after call... We get it. Theres a really long hold time, maybe if you would stop calling we wouldn’t have a problem now would we?
14. For the love of god, please do not call us if you have dial-up. Upgrade your technology, and if you can’t, why the hell did you move to the middle of Bumble feck anyway? – I guess that’s the price you have to pay for silence.
15. If you don't meet the System Requirement, don't call us and complain.
16. Please learn how to read.... Even the small print.
17. Learn how to enunciate words, mumblers will not be helped. – If you mumble, I may switch on “India accent” and then neither of us will be able to understand what’s going on.
18. If you do not know at least basic Computer 101, please hang up, take a class on computer usage, pass course with at least a B grade then call us back. We may require proof of passing grade. And yes, there will be a test.
19. I am the expert. Not your family or friends. You called me, not them.
20. If you cannot follow these guidelines within reason, you will not be assisted, because I will be forced to experience some "technical difficulties” when I hang up on your dumb @$$.

Things are looking “Grown up” for me

So, I moved into my new “own” place. I have a fantastic roommate who’s extremely cool and an awesome apartment, even though it’s slightly ghetto.

It’s a two story apartment where the living room and Kitchen are downstairs and both bedrooms and the bathroom are up stairs of doom – which means no drinking and walking up and/or down stairs. (Possible pictures to come?)

I spent 500.00 some odd dollars paying off some tickets I had on payment plans and I bought a 20 GB? IPod on eBay for 120.00 roughly, so I’m excited to get that.

I also get a home phone and internet connection installed on Friday. Things are looking “Grown up” for me.... It’s entirely too weird.

Wish me luck.

Pay Tribute to my "Husband's" band On V-Day

On this Valentines Day, I would like to pay tribute to a band that shaped my Tween and Teen years....

So Maybe I’m really lame, but every time I hear a backstreet boy song (like now) I get an odd retarded smile that spreads across my face like some sort of infectious disease.

Makes me go back to the days when it was okay that I would bust out the folding chairs and practice the dance moves to “As Long As You Love Me.” But rest assured I do not do that anymore, but that could be because I don’t have a folding chair... Yea, that’s the reason!

I love the innocence of youth, how a band can rule your world and create the best bonds ever. My friends from Junior High school shared the backstreet boy bond with me even if we were ridiculed by other kids. In fact, this bond didn’t stop in Junior high, some of us carried it into high school and we still weren’t afraid to show our Backstreet Pride, and I can honestly tell you right now I am still, at the age of 22, not afraid to show my backstreet pride.

I love their CD’s, (even if I look back now and think, ‘wow, those lyrics are such cheese!’) I love what they did for me as a band, I loved that I could invent pretend worlds in my head where I was marrying a member of the band and I love that it reconnected me with a friend I thought I might have lost.

The Backstreet Boys were my Beatles – because yes, the Beatles were a boy band, regardless of what you might think, and the Beatles were epic.

Happy Single's Awareness Day! - True to its Name

Why is it that if you are alone on valentines’ day you are all the sudden unhappy? Is it okay to be single and okay with it? Or is that just not allowed?

Are we (singles) supposed to be upset about not being in a relationship to share a day that was created by card and candy companies to raid us of our money?

I’m not really saying this as a disgruntled single person. I’m saying it because I had a conversation with someone and they were asking me about hooking up some people with some other people and I stated it’s not my job to play cupid. And apparently his question had bad timing because valentines’ day is tomorrow and I’m obviously supposed to be bent out of shape because of this.

I’m not at all concerned about tomorrow. I don’t care if I get a dozen roses, or a card, or a candy. I don’t care if someone decides to shower me with gifts that I will more than likely throw away or tuck away in a closet never too be looked at again. And Do I really need the chocolates? I’m already fat. So I think I’m good.

I’m comfortable with myself in the “situation” I am in that tomorrow will come and go, like any other day.

And for the record, I have TWO Valentines’... So was it really bad timing or just poor judgment and assumption?

“That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”

**WARNING** So, the guys may want to skip over this. Maybe even cover your eyes and go “la-la-la” Because this is about to take a turn. A turn I’m sure you don’t even want to go on. But if you read on, in all fairness, you were warned.

So there’s something about the female body that each month the insides pretty much have to purge itself, we all know this as a period. The End of a sentence... So as we all (Females) become aware of our cycles and the things our body emits, I can’t help but wonder, “That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”

I swear to god, I thought a clot was the size of a small child and that some how my body and rejected a vital organ in the midst of "spring cleaning" that just so happens to be a pain in the ass we lovely refer to as “aunt flo, coming for a visit" each month.

Seriously, as if pimples and back ache weren’t enough. Very funny God, Very funny.

Chicken came out of where?!

I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t as observant, maybe I didn’t have a lot of snot as a kid. But I have become acutely aware of how much I blow my nose. I apparently am FULL of snot, because I cannot go a day without blowing my nose. And Heaven forbid I cough while eating a food substance, because that’ll get lodged up my nose.

Not to be too graphic, but I totally just had a piece of chicken come out of my nose. That’s freaking gross. Why does my body do such odd things?

FastTax (the New LIFE!)

Does anyone else find it weird that I enjoy creating people with imaginary lives and taxes inside of my work’s program?

I mean I get genuine enjoyment out of creating these people and their own jobs and how much they paid and what kind of property they own. How many Kids (or deductions they’ll get. What kind of donations they did through out the year. It’s like playing the game of Life® with taxes.

Is that weird?

Simplistic

I'll make this short and sweet.


Fuck off.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't sweet.

A FastTax Employee Rant....

You’ve probably all heard the saying “Kids say the Darndest things”….

How about Customers say the darndest things? Because really…

I had a guy say to me (exact quote) "I'm working on my return, and it asked me to save a couple times, but I didn't because I wasn't concerned about my computer crashing. But then I installed the state and it restarted the program, where’s my data I entered?"

I’ve also had a guy ask me if underscore was one word or two, with that a co-worker just recently had a customer spell out the word underscore.

Another co-worker actually had a customer shout (and we do mean shout,) “YOU’RE A LIVE PERSON!” when he answered the phone.

And one time, though it was rare, I had a guy that I can assume was from India (at one point in time) based on the accent, actually say to me “thank god you’re in the united states.”

Furthermore, I just wish that customers would allow me to talk and not give me a novel answer. When I ask "Did you install the product onto your computer," a simple yes would suffice….

I don't need to know the computer's life story, nor do I need to know how you got into your car, drove to the store, picked up milk and FastTax and put it on your computer before you had dinner with your wife and her seven brothers and the neighbor down the street. Just saying yes, would have satisfied me.

And not to knock on accents but its Cal-e-forn-ya not Collie-forn-ya.

"Welcome to FastTax Land. We have Adventure land where you can take a cruise thru the jungle of red tape and tax laws as you fill out your tax form. There's Fantasyland where you can imagin what your tax refund should be. Tomorrow land where you can see IRS agents hardly working to screw-up next years tax laws. And finally there's Frontier land for those past tax returns you have not filed. Don't forget our popular rides of Pirates of the IRS, the Haunted Tax Return and the ever popular it’s a Small Refund."

I never wanted to be THIS kind of Vagabond

Reason number 453 on why my life is quazi-depressing at times.

The good news is I found a place and I'm moving in with my friend Taryna.

The only problem is that the place is not ready until the 15th of February, and I however have to be out on the 1st so I guess what I will do is rent a motel type place for two weeks and just keep all my stuff in there, which wouldn’t be so bad. Just seems like a rather gloomy approach.

Sort of gives me that “homeless” feel. Which granted, I more or less am after the 1st? I just never thought I would see myself in this position. This is the type of position my mother would be in, not me.

Move me round the sun...

So, I’d like to say I have something intelligent to talk about like the Dali Lama, perhaps the whole bush vs. the world controversy… However I don’t.

I really have nothing special to say hence the lack of updates, lack of posts.

There’s been a lot of drama going on in my life and to avoid what I usually do, which is get pissed type up some huge blog about how much I hate people and blah blah blah I’ve just avoided writing entirely to avoid feelings being hurt and following my normal route.

Because I’m improving myself, I’m growing as a person and learning to think before I act, what a concept eh? (Hey I said I was learning, I didn’t say it was an overnight success!)

So drama aside, I have some rather interesting news that seems sort of skeptical, but if all things work well I will be doing part-time work as a Photographer for a local photography company here in town that does events, little league, graduations and other things.

This to me is a good step in the right direction. I want to be a photographer and while I don’t want to actually do in town photography type stuff (Prom/Wedding/Senior Portraiture) I think this will help me attain my goal of becoming a free lance photographer for magazines in the entertainment business.

Breathe No More....

So…Lets just say in the near future my “friends” list will be getting shorter.

In other news, I have a scheduled photo shoot on Saturday, so I’m hoping I can produce some really good photos from that. More on the fashion end.

I’ve got two female models and a male model as well as a “make up” artist. So I’m pretty psyched about it.

It’s going to be the one thing that allows me to distress myself somewhat. I’m having a tough time with life right now.

Population Control.

I’ve discovered the reason why health insurance in the United States cost so freaking much. And why we (Americans) spend so much a year to stay healthy.

It’s very simple, Population control. People, who cannot afford to have health insurance or to stay healthy, die.

I have a bad tooth infection that’s run into my jaw/mouth and now it’s taking over my ear. Mutiny I tell you. I have the game of Risk going on inside of my face, which by the way is only on the left side of my face and as Jessica said, soon I’m going to have puss coming out my eye… But only on the left side… It’s like some one finally got hold of Russia… (Eddie fan’s will get that one)

I’ve taken “Pain Away” (combination of Acetaminophen, Aspirin and caffeine), “Non- Aspirin” an Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen from our Company First Aid Kit, to get rid of the pain, which FYI, isn’t working. I think by the end of this week my liver is going to flip me off and leave my body and I will have some kind of bodily malfunction and die.

Really, it’s all population control.

Its now... or... um.. Never?

I filled out the FASFA so that I can see if I can get loans and grants to go to school…. The plan is to be able to leave intuit in April, and go to school for may-august, then re-apply at intuit and work again, but also take courses and hopefully get them to work around school schedule….Don’t see why that wouldn’t work?

My goal is to stop being the reject without a college degree...

Martial Art of Bull Shitting.

There is one thing high school did for me… wait, it was more what a class did for me.

I spent 3.3 years on the Palantir Staff (High School Newspaper Staff) and having done that I will say it did a few things for me. Number One, It kept me highly trained in the art of bull shitting.

Each day for a two week period we would have little staff meetings or debriefing when each editor would stand up and go over the list of stories asking writers how they were doing on their assignments and if they were having any difficulties. And each meeting would go as so

Editor: How is your story coming?
Writer: “It’s almost done; I have one more interview, nothing big, just some last minute verification” Meanwhile that writer would be thinking “I have no idea, I haven’t even got a word on a page..:: gasp:: I’ve forgotten how to write!”

And then we had a 3 nights a week “work night” or what I refer to as Punishment for not getting your shit done. In these work nights, there was often a similar briefing on where locations, occasional inanimate object, becoming animate as someone hurled it toward their offender, the occasional cursing and death threats. Blenderizations (trademark Jess and Jennie) and Pizza, which brings me to the second thing I learned in Palantir, you CAN in fact O.D on Pizza and its probably best to skip your last period and hit up taco bell before coming in, as you have a grueling 3-4 hours of hell a head of you… …And the third thing I learned, advertisements serve as good leverage to getting free pizza.

It was these beloved work nights that the following conversation might occur for a writer:

Editor: Where is your story? It’s not on the computer?
Writer: "Story is done, I'm putting it on the computer today." :: Actual thoughts:: "Christ, I have to find 4 friends to get fake quotes from so I don't look like a total moron.....Now where did I put my cell phone? :searches pockets: Crap. Where did I put my pen? :: as pen sits neatly in hair used as a hair fastening device:: Does anyone have a crayon? Marker? How about electrical tape and scissors? I'll strategically cut out words and put them on...:: looks around finds envelope:: THIS!"

And thus, I learned the “Martial Art of Bull Shitting.” To be used later in life… trust me.