Its strange to think that the world as I once knew it will never be the same. I used to dread the holidays. I was worried about how I would react to things that would be said and even more so, what would be said.
I feared gathering with my family because of the arguments. And yet, as I sit here on the eve before Thanksgiving, I realize I miss my family. Even if we did argue.... I miss knowing that there was a place that felt like home.
I miss watching my nephews run around or having Jeremiah babble at great lengths about nothing at all. And I miss the smells that would becoming from the kitchen. And how there would be 4 (to 5 cars) parked outside of her house. And she would be screaming for someone to come help (And usually it was me.) I guess she inadvertently made me feel useful and wanted. Even if it did piss me off at the time. I miss the smell of the pine trees, and the warmth of the fire.
Nothing feels like home anymore. It feels like I’m walking blindly in the world with no where to go that has the comforts of the known.
My grandma’s house was always home for me. It was always a place for me to go... My heart feels homeless and lonely.... is it always going to feel like this?
On the positive side, I am cooking the “sides” for Thanksgiving this year. Jake is deep frying a Turkey (I hear its good, but I’m still skeptical.) And I am preparing mashed potatoes, dressing, Sweet Potatoes (Yams), and Green Jello (My family style) and hopefully it doesn’t taste like ass. Though, it only seems like 1/4th of what I’m used to it’s going to be quite a bit of food. And I’m glad I wont be spending thanksgiving working.... at least I’ll have one friend around and that is good enough for me.
After tomorrow I can officially commence listening to Christmas music without feeling ridiculous....
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I fuckin Rule.
So, in my unemployment I've been trying to not eat food, instead when I feel like I'm hungry, I just make something and then hope my roommates will eat it.
Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.
I fucking rule.
Now hopefully it tastes good too!
Yay me.
I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!
I'd be an awesome mom!
Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.
I fucking rule.
Now hopefully it tastes good too!
Yay me.
I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!
I'd be an awesome mom!
Friday, November 21, 2008
I got fired, so I wrote a letter and sent it.
Some of you might have seen the letter I had drawn up. This is the finished draft that I mailed out today. I included my letter of recommendation from my previous employer.
November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080
Dear Zenya Gallagher,
On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.
When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.
It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.
It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.
Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.
If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.
This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.
Sincerely yours,
JENNIFER C*******
November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080
Dear Zenya Gallagher,
On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.
When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.
It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.
It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.
Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.
If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.
This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.
Sincerely yours,
JENNIFER C*******
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Move me Round the sun, around...
So I just strolled in from a VERY rainy night in the city. This is an experience I've never felt before and I loved it. I mean I’ve experienced the sprinkling here and there, but not so much the torrential downpour. Sure it was cold once I got into the building and my shirt was clinging to me in an unpleasant way. (But I'll be damned if the little kid in me wasn't twirling around having a ball.)
I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.
They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.
All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.
I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.
They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.
All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I've been trying to be on the positive side about everything that's been heading my way. There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for, and yet I always seem to mull over the things I don't have.
Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.
I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.
My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.
The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.
I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.
Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.
And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
.
.
.
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.
Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.
I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.
My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.
The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.
I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.
Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.
And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
.
.
.
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Poetry and other musings.
Faded
In front of you,
an image there.
Near to you,
with faults her own
yet, like the air
you just see past
Standing before you,
she's shattered glass.
What restrains you of
that moment’s memory
part of the past,
A hiccup on the map.
Juvenile games
quickly sliced
your fragile mind.
And in those moments
you hold so high
she’ll wait no longer
as time slips by.
Guilted by stained decisions,
no longer with,
she's dreams envisioned.
-----
In other news, I'm dealing with work.
The end.
In front of you,
an image there.
Near to you,
with faults her own
yet, like the air
you just see past
Standing before you,
she's shattered glass.
What restrains you of
that moment’s memory
part of the past,
A hiccup on the map.
Juvenile games
quickly sliced
your fragile mind.
And in those moments
you hold so high
she’ll wait no longer
as time slips by.
Guilted by stained decisions,
no longer with,
she's dreams envisioned.
-----
In other news, I'm dealing with work.
The end.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Point of this story....
I think to be able to clearly illustrate the type of crap I go through every day I should leave you all with a story.
The company I work for sells Dish Network. On it they have a package called..BabyFirstTV. Below is the same information I saw on it as I heard a story...
BabyFirstTV is the nation’s first and only channel for babies and toddlers.
* Enriching, delightful content for children 6 months to 3 years
* Commercial-free, 24-hour programming
* On-screen, interactive subtitles to help parents foster baby’s development
* Supported by child development experts
* All this for only $4.99/mo. That’s less than the price of a single baby DVD!
The story is as follows (Straight from the trainers mouth):
"My daughter is a professional flutist and only babysits for two people now. One are the Jones* (names changed to protect the innocent) and she babysits them because we've known them for quite some time, Barbara* is my financial adviser. The other family is the Wycoffs, she babysits for them because we've know them for a while too and they're having marital problems so my daughter watches them their children while they go to marriage counseling. Those are the only people she babysits for. The point is that BabyFirstTV is a very popular package choice for people with families."
Can anyone point out the relevancy of that story? And furthermore, the 20-30 seconds that it took for you to read it, took 5 minutes to tell....
Ladies and Gentlemen, that is 5 minutes of my life I cannot give back.
The point of this story is, I like ice cream.
The company I work for sells Dish Network. On it they have a package called..BabyFirstTV. Below is the same information I saw on it as I heard a story...
BabyFirstTV is the nation’s first and only channel for babies and toddlers.
* Enriching, delightful content for children 6 months to 3 years
* Commercial-free, 24-hour programming
* On-screen, interactive subtitles to help parents foster baby’s development
* Supported by child development experts
* All this for only $4.99/mo. That’s less than the price of a single baby DVD!
The story is as follows (Straight from the trainers mouth):
"My daughter is a professional flutist and only babysits for two people now. One are the Jones* (names changed to protect the innocent) and she babysits them because we've known them for quite some time, Barbara* is my financial adviser. The other family is the Wycoffs, she babysits for them because we've know them for a while too and they're having marital problems so my daughter watches them their children while they go to marriage counseling. Those are the only people she babysits for. The point is that BabyFirstTV is a very popular package choice for people with families."
Can anyone point out the relevancy of that story? And furthermore, the 20-30 seconds that it took for you to read it, took 5 minutes to tell....
Ladies and Gentlemen, that is 5 minutes of my life I cannot give back.
The point of this story is, I like ice cream.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Sega Continues....
Work sucked just as much as yesterday.
Am convinced that Eeyore/Mr. Magoo may in fact be mentally retarded.
My ass went numb on several occasions and wearing my sexy "Slut Boots" which stunt doubles as professional wear when paired with a black skirt because it then becomes Tres Chic (put the lil squiggle above chic with your eyes so so it makes it pronounced She-eek!) Anyway, I think because I wore said boots I developed a cramp in my upper calf and now it hurts to walk.
I'm getting this Quasimodo vibe from myself.
I'm also convinced that my Trainer is president and founder of his own Fan club. As Jeremy suggested, I'm contemplating getting him a button with his own picture on it so he can wear it.
Lame.
Am convinced that Eeyore/Mr. Magoo may in fact be mentally retarded.
My ass went numb on several occasions and wearing my sexy "Slut Boots" which stunt doubles as professional wear when paired with a black skirt because it then becomes Tres Chic (put the lil squiggle above chic with your eyes so so it makes it pronounced She-eek!) Anyway, I think because I wore said boots I developed a cramp in my upper calf and now it hurts to walk.
I'm getting this Quasimodo vibe from myself.
I'm also convinced that my Trainer is president and founder of his own Fan club. As Jeremy suggested, I'm contemplating getting him a button with his own picture on it so he can wear it.
Lame.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Holy Fuck, what did I just sign up for...
Always the one to be pessimistically upbeat.. is that even possible? Sure is. I can say “I”m so SCREWED!” with a smile and an chirpy tone. And that is what makes me pessimistically upbeat. Because I know that when I take it in the ass from this company, its going to hurt, and they aren’t going to use lube. And I’ll be left feeling like a cheap date where they flop their corporate dick out and throw a twenty at me.
Yea. Thanks.
I started my first day at work today. On one hands I feel lucky to even have a job. With the crashing economy and the fight to stay afloat its getting harder for Americans to stay afloat.
On the other hand, in all of my 5-6 years of working in a call center environment, I have never once had a company completely turn me off within the first day. Usually I become pumped and excited about working for the company like they are offering me a chance of a life time.
This is not one of those times.
Strike One - The trainer repeats himself a lot. I know you may be thinking, sometimes the material has to be repeated so that people who are slower catch on. No, this repetition has NOTHING to do with classroom material. If I have to hear about how he doesn’t like sports because “they took away all his toys.” First of all, who are they, second of all... No on cares. You suck. Shut up. Ego is always appreciated and allowed in small doses. Please do not suffocate us with your pompous bullshit.
Strike Two - He talks too much. Not like “wow this guy can talk.” More like “oh god, my brain is about to hemorrhage if he doesn’t shut up, please stop it hurts...” and then he doesn’t. I have ADD, but I can generally tame my shit with something shiny or sweet. (Yay Charms Blow Pops!) He makes it hard for even the most focused person to pay attention.
Strike Three - We are not your therapist, you are not paying is thousands of dollars to listen to you reminisce about your World War II days. I don’t care that you’re from Brooklyn, I don’t care that you married a “Jersey Girl.” I don’t care who recently passed in your family and I don’t care what your kids do. I don’t care about your mental anguish, I’m here to learn the material and make some money. Fucking get on with it already!
Its not even just the trainer, the company itself has nothing about it that screams “WORK FOR THIS COMPANY!” I’m mildly pissed off that instead of finding a bigger location, they’re downsizing the working areas. First of all, when I was in the center for my interview the place looked like the sweatshop of call centers. I”m used to the cubical look. However, this place had enough space for each person to just barely put their elbows out 3 inches from their sides. And they are reducing the space to add more places for reps to work because they are multiplying.
On a good note, it has been a place for me to catch up on my people watching skills. Dear god, I never knew that black guys and Mr. Magoo-looking-white guys are the biggest whiny bitches I have EVER... I mean EVER dealt with.
We’re currently having training at a hotel as you’ll never guess it, but the training room at the center, is too small to house the 32 some-odd employees that they hired. The hotel lobby as one bathroom, so heaven forbid you have to WAIT for someone to use the restroom. I’m standing against the wall waiting patiently for the restroom when Mr. Magoo, who, by the way sounds like Eeyore. Comes up and huffs, “Oh this is just ridiculous!” paces in about a 3 square foot area for about 3 seconds, then storms off. Then, a rather large black fellow who I have already previously judge as “The Big Guy who can’t dress himself with the homely-looking girlfriend who doesn’t realize that the slit in her skirt is supposed to be in the back,” Does a similar thing. I chalk it up to one more thing that I dislike about both of these guys. Patience. Get some.
When I get back to training after the break, Mr. Ego (The Trainer) starts apologizing profusely because Hampton Inn is not providing them with more than one bathroom and apparently that's just ridiculous. Is it? I’m curious to know how many times they hold large conferences of people who seem to have been picked from the streets of Harlem.
And on that note, the Breakfast is for guest of the hotel. Not because you are hungry and don’t want to go get your own food or bring it in. I saw this one guy, We’ll call him “Fucktard” as I have not other name to provide him because it makes my eye twitch just thinking about him. He also cannot dress himself and when our first break rolls around I watch him snarf down enough food to feed an African Village. About this time, I watch as 2-3 hotel representative swoop in and start clearing the food area like their life depends on it, stating to myself and a friend who are standing near by discussing which is worse, a bullet to the foot or this training class; “Breakfast is closed.” and I think, well that's just swell - might want to tell that to the Village people who just snatched that up like it up like it was a k-mart special.
Having not been raised by a pack of wolfs I can clearly see how the Continental breakfast was set out for hotel guest that paid the 100-200.00 to stay the night. Not the group of people who seem to have not eaten for the past 12 days.
In a way, I should feel bad, because these are hard times my friends and many of these people may not have had a job in a while. Perhaps they are low on food and this job is a godsend. But, I’m pretty sure that's no excuse for the barbaric and rude behavior. And I think I saw the Fucktard manage to mash a muffin into his pocket. Oh good, he's saving it for later.
I was so excited to have gotten a job and I wanted that feeling to continue but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to walk back into that place and smile, ready to have more bullshit spooned into my mouth. Because frankly, this job taste like stale cereal with rotted milk.
I guess I was just spoiled by a company that actually cared about its employees.
Ugh, I have to repeat this tomorrow!
Yea. Thanks.
I started my first day at work today. On one hands I feel lucky to even have a job. With the crashing economy and the fight to stay afloat its getting harder for Americans to stay afloat.
On the other hand, in all of my 5-6 years of working in a call center environment, I have never once had a company completely turn me off within the first day. Usually I become pumped and excited about working for the company like they are offering me a chance of a life time.
This is not one of those times.
Strike One - The trainer repeats himself a lot. I know you may be thinking, sometimes the material has to be repeated so that people who are slower catch on. No, this repetition has NOTHING to do with classroom material. If I have to hear about how he doesn’t like sports because “they took away all his toys.” First of all, who are they, second of all... No on cares. You suck. Shut up. Ego is always appreciated and allowed in small doses. Please do not suffocate us with your pompous bullshit.
Strike Two - He talks too much. Not like “wow this guy can talk.” More like “oh god, my brain is about to hemorrhage if he doesn’t shut up, please stop it hurts...” and then he doesn’t. I have ADD, but I can generally tame my shit with something shiny or sweet. (Yay Charms Blow Pops!) He makes it hard for even the most focused person to pay attention.
Strike Three - We are not your therapist, you are not paying is thousands of dollars to listen to you reminisce about your World War II days. I don’t care that you’re from Brooklyn, I don’t care that you married a “Jersey Girl.” I don’t care who recently passed in your family and I don’t care what your kids do. I don’t care about your mental anguish, I’m here to learn the material and make some money. Fucking get on with it already!
Its not even just the trainer, the company itself has nothing about it that screams “WORK FOR THIS COMPANY!” I’m mildly pissed off that instead of finding a bigger location, they’re downsizing the working areas. First of all, when I was in the center for my interview the place looked like the sweatshop of call centers. I”m used to the cubical look. However, this place had enough space for each person to just barely put their elbows out 3 inches from their sides. And they are reducing the space to add more places for reps to work because they are multiplying.
On a good note, it has been a place for me to catch up on my people watching skills. Dear god, I never knew that black guys and Mr. Magoo-looking-white guys are the biggest whiny bitches I have EVER... I mean EVER dealt with.
We’re currently having training at a hotel as you’ll never guess it, but the training room at the center, is too small to house the 32 some-odd employees that they hired. The hotel lobby as one bathroom, so heaven forbid you have to WAIT for someone to use the restroom. I’m standing against the wall waiting patiently for the restroom when Mr. Magoo, who, by the way sounds like Eeyore. Comes up and huffs, “Oh this is just ridiculous!” paces in about a 3 square foot area for about 3 seconds, then storms off. Then, a rather large black fellow who I have already previously judge as “The Big Guy who can’t dress himself with the homely-looking girlfriend who doesn’t realize that the slit in her skirt is supposed to be in the back,” Does a similar thing. I chalk it up to one more thing that I dislike about both of these guys. Patience. Get some.
When I get back to training after the break, Mr. Ego (The Trainer) starts apologizing profusely because Hampton Inn is not providing them with more than one bathroom and apparently that's just ridiculous. Is it? I’m curious to know how many times they hold large conferences of people who seem to have been picked from the streets of Harlem.
And on that note, the Breakfast is for guest of the hotel. Not because you are hungry and don’t want to go get your own food or bring it in. I saw this one guy, We’ll call him “Fucktard” as I have not other name to provide him because it makes my eye twitch just thinking about him. He also cannot dress himself and when our first break rolls around I watch him snarf down enough food to feed an African Village. About this time, I watch as 2-3 hotel representative swoop in and start clearing the food area like their life depends on it, stating to myself and a friend who are standing near by discussing which is worse, a bullet to the foot or this training class; “Breakfast is closed.” and I think, well that's just swell - might want to tell that to the Village people who just snatched that up like it up like it was a k-mart special.
Having not been raised by a pack of wolfs I can clearly see how the Continental breakfast was set out for hotel guest that paid the 100-200.00 to stay the night. Not the group of people who seem to have not eaten for the past 12 days.
In a way, I should feel bad, because these are hard times my friends and many of these people may not have had a job in a while. Perhaps they are low on food and this job is a godsend. But, I’m pretty sure that's no excuse for the barbaric and rude behavior. And I think I saw the Fucktard manage to mash a muffin into his pocket. Oh good, he's saving it for later.
I was so excited to have gotten a job and I wanted that feeling to continue but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to walk back into that place and smile, ready to have more bullshit spooned into my mouth. Because frankly, this job taste like stale cereal with rotted milk.
I guess I was just spoiled by a company that actually cared about its employees.
Ugh, I have to repeat this tomorrow!
Sunday, October 05, 2008
I was Born to Fly
I guess I should have an update of what’s going on (if anyones really keeping track.)
I’ve landed a job that I start Oct. 13th it’ll be a night job anywhere from 12PM-8PM, 2-10PM, or 4PM-12AM... Depends on what they give me. I’m really open for any of those schedules. The best part is its not too far from where I’m at, 25 minute drive tops (with traffic.) And it pays 12/hour - which isn’t that much out in jersey however since its a sales job and the sales are almost guaranteed, It will probably come out to 15+/hour. Roughly. We shall see. Its a call center too... and inbound calls, not outbound.
Things are falling into place here and I’m really excited about that. I’m going to a backstreet boys concert on Oct. 31st (Halloween) by myself, and I am okay with this... I think.
Things are good. I’m happy... which is rare.
So YAY!
I’ve landed a job that I start Oct. 13th it’ll be a night job anywhere from 12PM-8PM, 2-10PM, or 4PM-12AM... Depends on what they give me. I’m really open for any of those schedules. The best part is its not too far from where I’m at, 25 minute drive tops (with traffic.) And it pays 12/hour - which isn’t that much out in jersey however since its a sales job and the sales are almost guaranteed, It will probably come out to 15+/hour. Roughly. We shall see. Its a call center too... and inbound calls, not outbound.
Things are falling into place here and I’m really excited about that. I’m going to a backstreet boys concert on Oct. 31st (Halloween) by myself, and I am okay with this... I think.
Things are good. I’m happy... which is rare.
So YAY!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I've Got a Camera Tucked Away inside my heart...
My birthday was a lot of fun. I went on a boat tour of the NY harbor and saw all 4 waterfalls that are currently on exhibit by artist Olafur Eliasson. The neat part is this is a temporary exhibit that will only be up until Columbus Day, so I was rather excited that I got to see them. It's like a new door opened up for me.
We also went to Little Italy which was swarmed with people. I love people, but dear god I have never been touched by that many people in my entire life. While Jake had planned to take me to an Italian restaurant, it was just too crowded for my taste so (15 blocks or so later) we found ourselves in the East Village.
I wanted Chinese food (Which is typical) and being that Little Italy is just near Chinatown Jake hassled me about not opting to pipe in about the want for Chinese food until after we had entered the East Village.
We checked out a couple Thai places, but settled on this Mediterranean restaurant on the corner of 7th and 2nd Ave, Virage. I had a spinach linguine and chicken dish while Jake opted for the seafood pasta dish. They both were really good, however it took forever to get our food as one of their stoves had broke.
Anyway, my 24th Birthday was a huge success and I had a wonderful time. Here are a few pictures from the Harbor tour.
Standing On Liberty Island
Tucked Away Inside My Heart
Sail My Vessle
Brooklyn Bridge Waterfall
In other news, one of Jake's students was selling a car and within the next two days I will be the proud owner of a 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse which looks a lot like this (Color and all)
I got it for a steal.
Things are looking decent, I'm still concerned about not getting a job but I am trying to remain positive. We shall see how the story unfolds.
We also went to Little Italy which was swarmed with people. I love people, but dear god I have never been touched by that many people in my entire life. While Jake had planned to take me to an Italian restaurant, it was just too crowded for my taste so (15 blocks or so later) we found ourselves in the East Village.
I wanted Chinese food (Which is typical) and being that Little Italy is just near Chinatown Jake hassled me about not opting to pipe in about the want for Chinese food until after we had entered the East Village.
We checked out a couple Thai places, but settled on this Mediterranean restaurant on the corner of 7th and 2nd Ave, Virage. I had a spinach linguine and chicken dish while Jake opted for the seafood pasta dish. They both were really good, however it took forever to get our food as one of their stoves had broke.
Anyway, my 24th Birthday was a huge success and I had a wonderful time. Here are a few pictures from the Harbor tour.
Standing On Liberty Island
Tucked Away Inside My Heart
Sail My Vessle
Brooklyn Bridge Waterfall
In other news, one of Jake's students was selling a car and within the next two days I will be the proud owner of a 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse which looks a lot like this (Color and all)
I got it for a steal.
Things are looking decent, I'm still concerned about not getting a job but I am trying to remain positive. We shall see how the story unfolds.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Do it now because it was your birthday...
First of all, my buddy pgnbladn Did this so, I'm following the trend....
Take a picture of yourself, right now. Post it, completely unedited. Do it.
Don't fix your hair, don't change your clothes.
So yesterday was my birthday it started out really good when Jake took me to view the City from a view point I had never seen before. It was so awesome, cold... but awesome... But then it got even better (I know, what could be better) I get a call around 10 AM and someone has sent me flowers, who, Well my best friend Ashley from back in AZ - she got me flowers for my birthday and I'll tell you, that was what set the mood for my Birthday. I was expecting it to suck, but it was awesome and I think Its mostly because of those flowers.
I also had a "job interview" which when they called me for it, I was under the impression that it was going to be for a call center type place - which I was excited for. However, it was not. It had to do with door to door "sales" of sorts. No Thank you. Which means I wasted the good hair and cute look on that stupid interview, but at least I looked good on my birthday....
Having said that, my friend Jake has 3 things planned for me since he wasnt really available yesterday for my birthday. I'm not sure what they are, but I know that we're doing things 2 & 3 tonight (In about an hour and a half) and I think they involve the city.... So....
It should be interesting. I'm excited.
Take a picture of yourself, right now. Post it, completely unedited. Do it.
Don't fix your hair, don't change your clothes.
So yesterday was my birthday it started out really good when Jake took me to view the City from a view point I had never seen before. It was so awesome, cold... but awesome... But then it got even better (I know, what could be better) I get a call around 10 AM and someone has sent me flowers, who, Well my best friend Ashley from back in AZ - she got me flowers for my birthday and I'll tell you, that was what set the mood for my Birthday. I was expecting it to suck, but it was awesome and I think Its mostly because of those flowers.
I also had a "job interview" which when they called me for it, I was under the impression that it was going to be for a call center type place - which I was excited for. However, it was not. It had to do with door to door "sales" of sorts. No Thank you. Which means I wasted the good hair and cute look on that stupid interview, but at least I looked good on my birthday....
Having said that, my friend Jake has 3 things planned for me since he wasnt really available yesterday for my birthday. I'm not sure what they are, but I know that we're doing things 2 & 3 tonight (In about an hour and a half) and I think they involve the city.... So....
It should be interesting. I'm excited.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Adventures in the City that Never sleeps.
I was on a quest to go to a adult store because I had yet to check “buy a porn” off my list of things to do when I turned 18.
First, we looked up 24-hour places in NJ and the one that we found turned out to be just an online store, that's apparently run from a really nice house up in the hills... we found this out when the GPS took us to the middle of a residential neighborhood... This could not be the store.
So, after that minor set back and 9.00 in tolls later, we head into the city...
Alright, so I’m nearing 24 and I finally accomplished said goal. I should feel so proud. However, the highlight of my night was the 2 seconds or so that it took to walk through a crowd of 30-40 gay guys and Drag Queens at 3 AM.... Only in NYC and it was like my life was slightly complete.
Can I just also say that even at two or three AM in NYC is it filled with the most amazingly different smells. Stores are still open, restaurants still producing enticing aromas. Oh it was fantastic. And, for my 3rd trip in the city I finally had my first piece of actual New York style pizza, it was fantastic. and New York Cheesecake.... aweeesome.
I’m so glad I moved to New Jersey....because I can say "Oh I want to do something" and be in the city within 20 minutes (Like, in Manhattan) and there still be things to do. This is where I need to be and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.
First, we looked up 24-hour places in NJ and the one that we found turned out to be just an online store, that's apparently run from a really nice house up in the hills... we found this out when the GPS took us to the middle of a residential neighborhood... This could not be the store.
So, after that minor set back and 9.00 in tolls later, we head into the city...
Alright, so I’m nearing 24 and I finally accomplished said goal. I should feel so proud. However, the highlight of my night was the 2 seconds or so that it took to walk through a crowd of 30-40 gay guys and Drag Queens at 3 AM.... Only in NYC and it was like my life was slightly complete.
Can I just also say that even at two or three AM in NYC is it filled with the most amazingly different smells. Stores are still open, restaurants still producing enticing aromas. Oh it was fantastic. And, for my 3rd trip in the city I finally had my first piece of actual New York style pizza, it was fantastic. and New York Cheesecake.... aweeesome.
I’m so glad I moved to New Jersey....because I can say "Oh I want to do something" and be in the city within 20 minutes (Like, in Manhattan) and there still be things to do. This is where I need to be and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.
Monday, September 08, 2008
She's Leaving home after living alone for so long...
I’ve got about 48 hours before I make my life altering flight to a “new” life in New Jersey. I have to say, through the past couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about my decision to make the move.
I know in part that I am upsetting my family in doing this venture so quickly without much time to prepare, however this isn’t something I have been thinking about just recently, in fact its something I’ve wanted for quite some time now. Only now is it becoming a reality for me.
While thinking about all the choices I have made in my past, both good and bad I wish I could assure my family that I have never felt so confident in a decision in my life. And I know that the road ahead means there will be quite a few battles but there isn’t anything that life can throw at me that I wont be able to handle, I’ve survived thus far.
On the other hand, I feel a bit guilty for finally standing up and saying “I am going to live my life.” Because I have always had my choices extremely swayed by family members in that I did certain things because I knew it was what they wanted.
I am extremely co-dependent and I feel like this move will make me step away from the comfort zone that I have found and find out who I really am. As of late I have been questioning myself and the very core that I stand for.
I am thankful for the people who got me this far, a list that is long; but now it is time for me to take that leap and learn to fly.
I know in part that I am upsetting my family in doing this venture so quickly without much time to prepare, however this isn’t something I have been thinking about just recently, in fact its something I’ve wanted for quite some time now. Only now is it becoming a reality for me.
While thinking about all the choices I have made in my past, both good and bad I wish I could assure my family that I have never felt so confident in a decision in my life. And I know that the road ahead means there will be quite a few battles but there isn’t anything that life can throw at me that I wont be able to handle, I’ve survived thus far.
On the other hand, I feel a bit guilty for finally standing up and saying “I am going to live my life.” Because I have always had my choices extremely swayed by family members in that I did certain things because I knew it was what they wanted.
I am extremely co-dependent and I feel like this move will make me step away from the comfort zone that I have found and find out who I really am. As of late I have been questioning myself and the very core that I stand for.
I am thankful for the people who got me this far, a list that is long; but now it is time for me to take that leap and learn to fly.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The pain that grips you, The fear that binds you
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."
I feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me...
For those of you who are semi close to me (or as close to me as I let you get.) You’ll know that its very hard for me to trust people, in fact, very few people do I trust with anything. More specifically it seems to be a trend that I single out a person and make them the barer of all my trust, or a good portion of it.
After talking with that person tonight, I realized a few things...
One - I have no idea what I want out of life. And thats very strange for me to say because I’ve always been pretty good at having an idea of what I wanted of course these things would change from time to time, but I attributed to the fact that I took from others and built an imaginary life of my own, with chunks of people inside of it. A filtering system if you will.
Two - I am very unlovable, because I don’t love myself. Lets face it, that is obvious by the way I look because what person who loved themselves would ever let themselves get to the way I am? There are reasons for my lack of love many of them from years of brash statements, but if I were as strong as I say I am, I wouldn’t allow these harsh words to effect me. They have and I hate myself for it.
Three - I carry way too much guilt on my shoulders. I feel guilty for being born, I feel guilty for the choices I make in effort to find the path that makes me happy, but it seems every path is always the same. Why do I never shy off this path? Why do I continue to stay on a path that hasn’t seemed to do me any good?
Four - I realize why its so hard to trust, because I trust people I think wont throw my own thoughts in my face and most people will, if not all. You can say you’re not that kind of person, but when push comes to shove we’ve all thrown something someone in-trusted in us in that persons face. Its not really intentional, its just the mind and ego. Ego creates our thoughts and perception of things, and when our perception is not made, we revert to other tactics.
The fifth thing I realized was really not a realization, but an acknowledgment of what I’ve always known. I search and need approval too much. My co-dependent personality doesn’t allow me to think or move without considering other people into the equation. Sometimes that would be seen as a good thing, because it means that less people get stepped on. The problem is, it means I get stepped on and forgotten.
I’m going to try and stop that from happening. I may never learn to trust and I’m almost quite certain that I will trust less, but at least from the conversation I did learn that I have a lot to figure out and only myself to prove my worth.
Here’s to hoping I made the right choice.... and that I don’t ever have to feel this way again... because I am crushed.
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Thursday, July 31, 2008
From: Anonymous
I was on a forum and saw that it was a confession of sorts where you write to people expressing your feelings in a more anonymous way. Of course since this is my blog, its less anonymous, but the people mentioned here, I don't think they have a recollection of this blog, so it just kinda gets it out there for me.
Dear Sis,
You think we lived the same lives but you got to live with grandma for most of your life and I was with mom for most of mine. There for we did not live the same lives. And yes, I do resent you for it.
I was tired of always being second best to you. I could never be good enough no matter what I did. And that just pissed me off because I am better than you in a lot of ways.
I wanted to reconcile and find the sister I always wanted but when you came out here when I moved, I realized the sister I always wanted, I already had, their names are Laura and Ashley. They've treated me better than you have ever with all of the ups and downs of sisterhood. Now with grandma gone, I don't know who you're going to impress. And sadly, I'm happy to have the playing field leveled because you always were the prodigal child. Now its fair game.
P.S We all know how Cinderella ends, so keep calling me Cinderella....cause that makes you the ugly step sister.
-------
Dear J,
I wish I could tell you that I loved you or how much I really do adore you. Even though you can be quite the hostile jerk, I some how get it.
I know you would think I was ridiculous, me loving you. Because after all “no girl ever would” and “eventually they all see the same things.” J, I know you've had problems with girls in your past and don't think your attractive and good enough. I think that a lot of people feel the same way. I wish you could see despite it all, you are to me.
I wish you could see and accept that.... I love you.
------
Dear Pima County Child Protective Services,
Thanks for fucking up my life.
Did you miss the fact that my Aunt and Uncle were willing to step in? Or how about the fact that my mother was supported by my grandparents? Did it ever dawn on you that the only way we even functioned was because my grandparents stepped in? Don’t you think it would have been better for us all to live with someone who could be financially responsible for us? Perhaps someone who wasn’t dependent on drugs. But no, no you left us with our fucking coke-head of a mother. She really fooled you, fucking bastards. I could have struggled less... thanks a lot.
----
Dear Mom
Thanks for nothing.
Wait, no thanks for opening your legs and deciding to bare children you would never be responsible for. I’m sure glad you got the tax credit every year, it sure fueled your need for new furniture and drugs.
I guess I was right the first time.
Thanks for nothing.
Dear Sis,
You think we lived the same lives but you got to live with grandma for most of your life and I was with mom for most of mine. There for we did not live the same lives. And yes, I do resent you for it.
I was tired of always being second best to you. I could never be good enough no matter what I did. And that just pissed me off because I am better than you in a lot of ways.
I wanted to reconcile and find the sister I always wanted but when you came out here when I moved, I realized the sister I always wanted, I already had, their names are Laura and Ashley. They've treated me better than you have ever with all of the ups and downs of sisterhood. Now with grandma gone, I don't know who you're going to impress. And sadly, I'm happy to have the playing field leveled because you always were the prodigal child. Now its fair game.
P.S We all know how Cinderella ends, so keep calling me Cinderella....cause that makes you the ugly step sister.
-------
Dear J,
I wish I could tell you that I loved you or how much I really do adore you. Even though you can be quite the hostile jerk, I some how get it.
I know you would think I was ridiculous, me loving you. Because after all “no girl ever would” and “eventually they all see the same things.” J, I know you've had problems with girls in your past and don't think your attractive and good enough. I think that a lot of people feel the same way. I wish you could see despite it all, you are to me.
I wish you could see and accept that.... I love you.
------
Dear Pima County Child Protective Services,
Thanks for fucking up my life.
Did you miss the fact that my Aunt and Uncle were willing to step in? Or how about the fact that my mother was supported by my grandparents? Did it ever dawn on you that the only way we even functioned was because my grandparents stepped in? Don’t you think it would have been better for us all to live with someone who could be financially responsible for us? Perhaps someone who wasn’t dependent on drugs. But no, no you left us with our fucking coke-head of a mother. She really fooled you, fucking bastards. I could have struggled less... thanks a lot.
----
Dear Mom
Thanks for nothing.
Wait, no thanks for opening your legs and deciding to bare children you would never be responsible for. I’m sure glad you got the tax credit every year, it sure fueled your need for new furniture and drugs.
I guess I was right the first time.
Thanks for nothing.
Friday, July 18, 2008
To knowing I'm alone tonight...
I had this dream that Jess and I were in California near the coast, for part of the dream we were on the beach, looking at stuff and avoiding being attacked by birds, but then the weird part was when we hit the boardwalk and there was this 20 store hotel building on the side of it.
In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.
At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.
And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.
I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)
I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.
In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.
At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.
And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.
I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)
I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Got this ego, got my doubt, walking real slow...
So here is the update.
I’ve been by myself for the past 5 days - My aunt left for Arizona last friday and mostly I’ve just been getting myself lost in attempt to learn how to navigate the area. However, thats expensive in an Explorer. Seriously, really expensive.
I just finished up my English class for the summer and I’m looking at an A or a B, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care - I worked really hard and put a lot of effort into things for them only to be glanced at and graded without any comments as to how to make it better. If thats one thing that pisses me off it’s that. It’s showing someone your work and they saying “it’s great!” If it were great I would be a published author by now, obviously its not great, and I still have things that could be improved.
Speaking of School, I’ve registered for classes at the college that actually is in my county which means it will be cheaper. I’m taking a Biology class, Photography, English and History course this semester. And the total was 900 some odd dollars instead of the 1600.00 some odd dollars at macomb community college.
I’ve been on a funky sleeping schedule, as in - sleeping most of the day staying up all night and its really bothering me. Then I think, well it’s not like I have friends here that I could be hanging out with, so I guess the sleeping schedule is okay... I would just prefer not to be on it. I think because I am alone I have been having a hard time sleeping - I’ve always been that way, it’s my co-dependent personality.
So, thats pretty much it for me.
I do not live a fascinating life.
I’ve been by myself for the past 5 days - My aunt left for Arizona last friday and mostly I’ve just been getting myself lost in attempt to learn how to navigate the area. However, thats expensive in an Explorer. Seriously, really expensive.
I just finished up my English class for the summer and I’m looking at an A or a B, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care - I worked really hard and put a lot of effort into things for them only to be glanced at and graded without any comments as to how to make it better. If thats one thing that pisses me off it’s that. It’s showing someone your work and they saying “it’s great!” If it were great I would be a published author by now, obviously its not great, and I still have things that could be improved.
Speaking of School, I’ve registered for classes at the college that actually is in my county which means it will be cheaper. I’m taking a Biology class, Photography, English and History course this semester. And the total was 900 some odd dollars instead of the 1600.00 some odd dollars at macomb community college.
I’ve been on a funky sleeping schedule, as in - sleeping most of the day staying up all night and its really bothering me. Then I think, well it’s not like I have friends here that I could be hanging out with, so I guess the sleeping schedule is okay... I would just prefer not to be on it. I think because I am alone I have been having a hard time sleeping - I’ve always been that way, it’s my co-dependent personality.
So, thats pretty much it for me.
I do not live a fascinating life.
Same-Sex Marriage Essay....
Disclaimer: The views expressed hear are clearly mine and mine alone. It is however on a deeply sensitive subject. Read at your own risk.
It's VERY LONG
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In today’s society, Americans that search for same sex marriages are being prevented from roughly 1,400 legal rights that are bestowed upon married couples. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Some of these benefits include joint parenting, joint adoption, decision-making power regarding whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury them; moreover legal rights in the matter of health their partner. These rights also being denied include being unable to file federal taxes jointly and obtain the tax benefits of filing with a loved one as which happens to be the case for heterosexual marriages. By not allowing same-sex marriage the government is denying fundamental civil rights; rights that many people have fought and given their lives for..
Civil rights are defined by The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy as:
“A broad range of privileges and rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution and subsequent amendments and laws that guarantee fundamental freedoms to all individuals.”
It’s further stated
“These freedoms include the rights of free expression and action (civil liberties); the right to enter into contracts, own property, and initiate lawsuits; the rights of due process and equal protection of the laws; opportunities in education and work; the freedom to live, travel, and use public facilities wherever one chooses; and the right to participate in the democratic political system.”
Marriage is, in the legal sense, a binding contract between two people. It allows couples to have a joint say in legal matters. Currently only two states in the United States recognize gay marriages: California and Massachusetts. While California will allow residents or visitors to marry in the state, Massachusetts has only granted the right to allow residents of the state to join in matrimony.
Those who are against marriage of same genders often state that it’s not right for a church to be forced to marry a couple if they did not agree with the union of people of the same sex; claiming that same-sex couples are seeking special rights. It is however conceivable for a couple to be joined in union without involving the church. The battles for people to be married in a church will continued to be fought because churches have always had the right to refuse marriages for whatever reason they deem fit. In some cases, marriages between two races are denied. Another reason why a church can refuse to officiate a marriage is if they believe that one or both the spouses are being forced to marry.
It would not be far from the truth to say that many of our laws are dictated by what used to be considered moral and normal. People argue that the marriage between two individuals of the same sex is unnatural. However,same sex unions have been documented in history. Proof of this are records of famous lovers Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, an Egyptian couple, and the Greek couple Harmodius and Aristogiton. A tomb uncovered in 1964 in the necropolis of Saqqara at Memphis held a painting of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum which bore witness to an early case of a same-sex union.. The picture depicts two males in an embrace and on the tomb the saying, “Niankhkhnum means, " Joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to 'the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"” (Millard, par. 3.)
Furthermore in Ancient Greece, the story of the youth Harmodius and his lover, Aristogiton was developed and is a famous depiction of Greek pederasty. Pederasty refers to an erotic relationship, sexually expressed or not, between an adolescent boy and an adult male outside his immediate family. Consequently, in greek life, it was common for older greek man to have relationships with younger men but not for two men of the same age to have relationships, the latter case often frowned upon. As for Harmodius and Aristogiton, what makes them exceptional is that they both have sculptures that were commissioned by Cleisthenes, who was responsible for many changes in Athenian history.
Additional evidence of homosexual partnership is found in the study of many species of animals behavior. Not only are animals capable of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are also, according to a study by Biologist Bruce Bagelmihl, “capable of rape, divorce cannibalism, child abuse, cross-dressing," and infidelity.” He further states that “The range of behavior, from same-sex cooperating to pair bonding [a couple-like arrangement] among some animals, including Cheetahs, Bottle-nose Dolphins, and Silver Gulls, can last temporarily or a lifetime” (Harrold par 5.) This goes to show that if it can be conceivable for animals of the same sex to be joined in union, the argument that human same-sex unions are unnatural becomes less and less defensible.
It wasn’t until the rise of Christian religion that same-sex marriages began to be outlawed by Christian Roman Emperors Constantius II and Constans in 342 AD. The law stated:
“When a man marries and is about to offer himself to men in womanly fashion, what does he wish, when sex has lost all its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed to another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment” (Theodosian Code 9.8.3.)
Nevertheless, gay unions continued and were documented until the middle ages.
The dictation of law preventing same-sex marriage calls to mind the belief that marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. If this is the case, than it would make the marriage between two couples who are unable to have children, those who are too old to have children, and those who choose not to have children invalid. In the unfortunate event that two heterosexual couples are unable to produce children they have the right to adopt children. This is could be the case for same-sex individuals. Currently a homosexual single person has the right to adopt a child, yet a same-sex couple does not have equal rights regarding adopting and raising a child.
Activist argue same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. However, many psychological studies claim that it's not whether a child has both a mother and a father, but rather that a child lives in a loving family environment that is conducing to a healthy child. The differences have been the two cases have been repeatedly shown to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that aspect. Moreover, if the preferred environment to raise a child is a home with two parents, it could be argued that single parents are unfit to raise children.
For people of the same sex, asking for the right to a civil union or marriage is the right to declare and establish a loving and long-term relationship with another person. It is allowing them the ability to raise a family and adhere to ideals of a marriage as any other couple would. They are not asking not for special rights, but rather the same; to be able to have a say when it comes to the medical emergencies of a partner. They are trying to live their life as any heterosexual would in the pursuit of happiness and is that not what the constitution states as one of our inalienable rights?
As a relatively progressive Roman Catholic, my religion is against the marriage between two people of the same sex. It however, doesn’t make me any less catholic to be able to recognize the change and movement of our nation. There are many things stated in the bible that we don’t adhere to for example, in the book of Deuteronomy 22:22 it states “If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.” Further evidence is in Mark 12:18-17, “If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.” These are among several things that were held true in biblical times we don’t perceive as being acceptable in the modern world.
Before the end of the civil war it was not conceivable for people of a different race to be considered equal. This is the same cause that the homosexual community is pursuing in our time: equality. Nowadays the prospect of banning interracial marriages is absurd. In the future, hopefully this will be the same with gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered couples.
It's VERY LONG
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In today’s society, Americans that search for same sex marriages are being prevented from roughly 1,400 legal rights that are bestowed upon married couples. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Some of these benefits include joint parenting, joint adoption, decision-making power regarding whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury them; moreover legal rights in the matter of health their partner. These rights also being denied include being unable to file federal taxes jointly and obtain the tax benefits of filing with a loved one as which happens to be the case for heterosexual marriages. By not allowing same-sex marriage the government is denying fundamental civil rights; rights that many people have fought and given their lives for..
Civil rights are defined by The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy as:
“A broad range of privileges and rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution and subsequent amendments and laws that guarantee fundamental freedoms to all individuals.”
It’s further stated
“These freedoms include the rights of free expression and action (civil liberties); the right to enter into contracts, own property, and initiate lawsuits; the rights of due process and equal protection of the laws; opportunities in education and work; the freedom to live, travel, and use public facilities wherever one chooses; and the right to participate in the democratic political system.”
Marriage is, in the legal sense, a binding contract between two people. It allows couples to have a joint say in legal matters. Currently only two states in the United States recognize gay marriages: California and Massachusetts. While California will allow residents or visitors to marry in the state, Massachusetts has only granted the right to allow residents of the state to join in matrimony.
Those who are against marriage of same genders often state that it’s not right for a church to be forced to marry a couple if they did not agree with the union of people of the same sex; claiming that same-sex couples are seeking special rights. It is however conceivable for a couple to be joined in union without involving the church. The battles for people to be married in a church will continued to be fought because churches have always had the right to refuse marriages for whatever reason they deem fit. In some cases, marriages between two races are denied. Another reason why a church can refuse to officiate a marriage is if they believe that one or both the spouses are being forced to marry.
It would not be far from the truth to say that many of our laws are dictated by what used to be considered moral and normal. People argue that the marriage between two individuals of the same sex is unnatural. However,same sex unions have been documented in history. Proof of this are records of famous lovers Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, an Egyptian couple, and the Greek couple Harmodius and Aristogiton. A tomb uncovered in 1964 in the necropolis of Saqqara at Memphis held a painting of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum which bore witness to an early case of a same-sex union.. The picture depicts two males in an embrace and on the tomb the saying, “Niankhkhnum means, " Joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to 'the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"” (Millard, par. 3.)
Furthermore in Ancient Greece, the story of the youth Harmodius and his lover, Aristogiton was developed and is a famous depiction of Greek pederasty. Pederasty refers to an erotic relationship, sexually expressed or not, between an adolescent boy and an adult male outside his immediate family. Consequently, in greek life, it was common for older greek man to have relationships with younger men but not for two men of the same age to have relationships, the latter case often frowned upon. As for Harmodius and Aristogiton, what makes them exceptional is that they both have sculptures that were commissioned by Cleisthenes, who was responsible for many changes in Athenian history.
Additional evidence of homosexual partnership is found in the study of many species of animals behavior. Not only are animals capable of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are also, according to a study by Biologist Bruce Bagelmihl, “capable of rape, divorce cannibalism, child abuse, cross-dressing," and infidelity.” He further states that “The range of behavior, from same-sex cooperating to pair bonding [a couple-like arrangement] among some animals, including Cheetahs, Bottle-nose Dolphins, and Silver Gulls, can last temporarily or a lifetime” (Harrold par 5.) This goes to show that if it can be conceivable for animals of the same sex to be joined in union, the argument that human same-sex unions are unnatural becomes less and less defensible.
It wasn’t until the rise of Christian religion that same-sex marriages began to be outlawed by Christian Roman Emperors Constantius II and Constans in 342 AD. The law stated:
“When a man marries and is about to offer himself to men in womanly fashion, what does he wish, when sex has lost all its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed to another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment” (Theodosian Code 9.8.3.)
Nevertheless, gay unions continued and were documented until the middle ages.
The dictation of law preventing same-sex marriage calls to mind the belief that marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. If this is the case, than it would make the marriage between two couples who are unable to have children, those who are too old to have children, and those who choose not to have children invalid. In the unfortunate event that two heterosexual couples are unable to produce children they have the right to adopt children. This is could be the case for same-sex individuals. Currently a homosexual single person has the right to adopt a child, yet a same-sex couple does not have equal rights regarding adopting and raising a child.
Activist argue same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. However, many psychological studies claim that it's not whether a child has both a mother and a father, but rather that a child lives in a loving family environment that is conducing to a healthy child. The differences have been the two cases have been repeatedly shown to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that aspect. Moreover, if the preferred environment to raise a child is a home with two parents, it could be argued that single parents are unfit to raise children.
For people of the same sex, asking for the right to a civil union or marriage is the right to declare and establish a loving and long-term relationship with another person. It is allowing them the ability to raise a family and adhere to ideals of a marriage as any other couple would. They are not asking not for special rights, but rather the same; to be able to have a say when it comes to the medical emergencies of a partner. They are trying to live their life as any heterosexual would in the pursuit of happiness and is that not what the constitution states as one of our inalienable rights?
As a relatively progressive Roman Catholic, my religion is against the marriage between two people of the same sex. It however, doesn’t make me any less catholic to be able to recognize the change and movement of our nation. There are many things stated in the bible that we don’t adhere to for example, in the book of Deuteronomy 22:22 it states “If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.” Further evidence is in Mark 12:18-17, “If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.” These are among several things that were held true in biblical times we don’t perceive as being acceptable in the modern world.
Before the end of the civil war it was not conceivable for people of a different race to be considered equal. This is the same cause that the homosexual community is pursuing in our time: equality. Nowadays the prospect of banning interracial marriages is absurd. In the future, hopefully this will be the same with gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered couples.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Flooded all my Empty Space
I've been feeling rather - Emo for lack of a better word. But really its not so much Emo as it is disappointed in myself. I don't feel as pretty as I used to. And the more I thought about it, the more it came down to the fact that the few people I surrounded myself with had a way of making me feel like the most amazing person to have ever lived. And that helped me be confident in the way I looked some way.
I took advantage of that and I'm disappointed in that retrospect. Like Nora and Kat had this way of making me feel like there was no one cooler than me, and knowing that two people like them thought I was cool, some how made me feel better about being me.
Lately I haven't really liked being me, which is probably why I sleep as much as I do and avoid getting to know people too much. I'm sure that's shooting me in the foot more so.
Also, I think I've gained a lot more weight, and that scares me. But it hasn't motivated me enough to change, and that idea scares me as well. Like, If I've become this obese person, why am I not motivated to exercise? I should want to exercise and not be so fat, but I'm not. I'm just... Bleh. And I hate that. I really do. I watched my sister just randomly break out into exercising on the living room floor, the floor of my aunts office, she'd come down stairs and used the Weight machine and I think to myself, why can't I hate myself enough to want to change it the way she does? Or more so why can't I hate myself in that way to want to change it, cause I do hate myself, just not in the way my sister does.
I guess I just miss the reassurance from the friends like Kat, Nora, Michelle I, Michelle (my roommate) (when she wasn't telling me I suck as a friend of course), Brandalyn (she's awesome at making me feel cool.)
My aunt doesn't reassure me that I am awesome. I'm not saying she just picks out my flaws, but she does that too.
I really do miss my friends, they did a lot for me that looking back now I didn't realize then. Ugh. Total suckage.
I took advantage of that and I'm disappointed in that retrospect. Like Nora and Kat had this way of making me feel like there was no one cooler than me, and knowing that two people like them thought I was cool, some how made me feel better about being me.
Lately I haven't really liked being me, which is probably why I sleep as much as I do and avoid getting to know people too much. I'm sure that's shooting me in the foot more so.
Also, I think I've gained a lot more weight, and that scares me. But it hasn't motivated me enough to change, and that idea scares me as well. Like, If I've become this obese person, why am I not motivated to exercise? I should want to exercise and not be so fat, but I'm not. I'm just... Bleh. And I hate that. I really do. I watched my sister just randomly break out into exercising on the living room floor, the floor of my aunts office, she'd come down stairs and used the Weight machine and I think to myself, why can't I hate myself enough to want to change it the way she does? Or more so why can't I hate myself in that way to want to change it, cause I do hate myself, just not in the way my sister does.
I guess I just miss the reassurance from the friends like Kat, Nora, Michelle I, Michelle (my roommate) (when she wasn't telling me I suck as a friend of course), Brandalyn (she's awesome at making me feel cool.)
My aunt doesn't reassure me that I am awesome. I'm not saying she just picks out my flaws, but she does that too.
I really do miss my friends, they did a lot for me that looking back now I didn't realize then. Ugh. Total suckage.
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