Saint Paddy's day Reflection.....

Last St. Patrick's Day I was on Grandma duty. When you're old and dying of Pancreatic cancer, your strength is less than that of a younger person. I was there to help. I had to care for her.

As a tradition, every St. Patrick's day meant Corned Beef and Cabbage - And I was going to make it. I remember standing in the entry way of her room as she began to tell me how to make it. Her frail hands moved only slightly up and down like an imaginary seamstress working the cloth through a sewing machine as she indicated that I needed to make sure the seasoning packet was on the corned beef and to make sure the water was 3/4ths of the pot.

"Bring it to a boil," she said

But I was already on my way back to her kitchen to start the first step. I did not stop to fully listen to her instructions.

"Wait a Minute!" she screeched after me, and the hair on my neck stood on ends, remembering unpleasantly that it was the same screech she used when she called my name.

I sullenly went back, impatiently bouncing from one foot to another, barely listening as she told me more instructions. Why hadn't I listened to her then? The lesson she was teaching should be something I paid attention to. She was after all telling me how to make one of my favorite meals.

Stupidly, I assumed there would be other times. Next year, I would do this again. It didn't even cross my mind that in a weeks time, she would reach her final resting place.

So tonight, I'll be making Corned Beef and cabbage, hoping that the six different recipes I consulted will cook the roast the same way she would have. Not listening to her really made me regret. I can't change what is done, but because I didn't take the time to note all her delicious recipes has taken, it has had its toll on me.

I was her right hand girl in the kitchen so why is it that I can't cook? I should have paid closer attention to what she was saying so that when I was Head of the kitchen, I wouldn't be fumbling around like a 16-year-old boy on his way to second base.

Because now when I get the urge to make Speedy-fruit pie, or I want to know how long to cook a pot roast, I can't just dial her number and ask her the question, because she isn't there to answer. You never listen when someone says "One day you'll regret this" or "Cherish the moments you have..."

Wishing you were somehow here again

It’s been an exceptionally lonely week for me. And while some people were around a little and at times I was surrounded by a lot of people. I’m still feeling this overwhelming loss and loneliness. And for all purposes, with everything going on in my life I should be okay, if not happy.

I’m not broke nor am I struggling to survive, I’m thriving in an environment that was supposed to beat me. And at one point it did. New Jersey’s harshness has shown very little in the way of comfort or help in the attempts to pull myself from the shambles that I have created for myself. The “You’ll never make it” and the “you are a failure” statements have rung exceptionally loud in my ears from my lowest moments and even in my highest. I’m standing on top of this peek and I’m looking out upon this massive world waiting to be invaded and experienced.

I’m struggling only to breathe. Almost a year ago and I’m still struggling to find peace with myself to forgive myself and I can’t seem to do it. I ignored her calls and persistently had disregard to her needs. When she needed me the most, I collapsed under my own selfishness and inability to be strong. I know that I cannot blame myself for the cancer that took her, but I can’t help but take some responsibility for how quickly she went. I was anything but perfect in her eyes, I was a one-girl train wreck that was speeding down wrong track after wrong track, but I was attempting to find the right one with all the experiences I had. And time and time again after I would fall, she would pick me up and try and straighten me out. She tried what she knew how to do and I learned my lessons from tough love. I may have come out with a few scars and insecurities, but I’m still standing here today.

I fight each day for her. To prove that I can do it and so that in the end I can say that she is one of the people who is responsible for what I have become today. So that I can look back on my troubled past and know that I’ve fought hard to be where I am. But I’m having a rough time fighting this loneliness.

A Customer Service Rant...

Do the people who call into my place of business even realize that I could be a potential customer before they rip into me and say the shit they do? Does it even occur to them as Business owners, that they should treat people with respect regardless of their anger? As a customer service representative I am trained to allow comments to roll off like water off a ducks back. But there is only so much rudeness a person can take before they want to scream into the phone to FUCK OFF.

Today, I spoke with a lady who worked for Ken's Restaurant in Chicago, IL - She was by far the worst person I have spoken with in a long time, trying to use her management position at a restaurant get to me. And quite frankly it worked. She was charged, but the person that my company spoke with was not an authorized party so I canceled the account and issued the credits for the charges she received. She then demanded that she hear the tape of the conversation between an employee of hers and my company, of which I complied. She then proceeded to tell me that I, and my company was single handily responsible for the firing of said employee.

This was the straw that broke the camels back. I was irritated before because she wanted my assistance but wouldn't let me explain. Do not call me asking me questions and then not allow me to answer. And second, regardless of your anger, you do not blame me for you taking this out on your employee because you're an ass. Especially considering what I did for you. I did NOT have to give you your money back, legally, I do not have to do shit, however, as a customer service representative I have the compassion and understanding that sometimes a rep, who is not me may not speak clear enough for a person to understand what is being said. And that the person taking the call does not have the sense to ask them to slow down or repeat what they have said. And furthermore, this was after I have expressed that it was just a misunderstanding and I had apologized for the problem. Did you not get that I also resolved your issue? To me, this just makes you a vindictive ass hole on a power trip and as a potential customer I am completely turned off by your attitude. On a consumer side, I would be disturbed to have you be the person providing a service. And yes, I could be a potential customer, as she does not know where I live.

It's the kind of situation that makes me want to walk into the business and speak to the person in person and say."I was going to dine here but after a very unpleasant experience, I think I'd rather have my retinas torn out through my esophagus." Businesses rely on word of mouth and right now, my word of mouth would not be helping you very much.

The second thing I hate is when people call me and I will inform them of the contact and they will inform me that I am wrong and that this person would NEVER do what they have done. This irritates me to no end, do not speak for other people. That is a big pet peeve of mine. When people go off saying "Oh So-and-So would never do that..." and then I play the recording where So and so is CLEARLY doing what they would NEVER do. It makes me want to punch the person in the face and say HAH! Fuck you. Get over your ego and accept that it happened, I'm not making you responsible for the fucking charge or if there is no charge, I AM going to cancel the account, so just get the fuck over it and give me a chance to explain how I am going to assist you after I give you the information on WHY you got a letter/charge. Because, I will assist you.

My policy is to make the customer happy and that means doing whatever it takes and issuing as much credit as humanly possible. If you see 8 months of charges you will get 8 months of credit back from me. I'm in it for you. But do not question my morals and business practices because you're pissed off. When these people question my business practices, I have to question theirs. I have a list of places I will never go and never use because I base my opinions solely on the customer service that is provided.

Remember, being nice gets you further, being a dick head, gets you put on hold so I can file my nails, but first I have to run to the store to buy the nail file. Enjoy that hold time.

haunt the house of history and listen anew to the ancestors' wisdom.

It’s interesting what causes a persons wheels to turn. I was filling out this stupid little survey that comes up with creative ways to show different aliases a person would go by. For example, if you mix your middle name and the town you were born in, it would be your Soap Opera name. Mine was Marie Tucson. I got to one particular one where it asked me for the name of my grandmother on my moms side and my grandfather on my Dad’s side. It was supposed to be my NASCAR name, except; I couldn’t really answer the question correctly.
The only real things I know about my dad’s father is that he was called Red because of his Irish roots, he had very red hair. I also knew that he and my dad’s mom, my other grandmother were divorced. The only memory I have of my Dad’s mother is that she used to make cheesecake or have cheesecake when we went to visit her. She lived in a motel off of Benson highway.
And then, this all got me thinking about how little I really know about my dad’s side of the family. I know he has siblings and I’ve met some of them and some of them I never knew.
There is my Uncle Mike, who I’ve always know and has always been somewhat of a drifter, unable to grow up and continually in with the wrong crowd, but he always told me I was beautiful and that I should never think less than that.
Then there was my Aunt Louise, my only memories of her were that she had really long hair and was the person who took me to the library for the first time and got me a library card. I don’t know what age I was, but I vaguely remember doing it.
Aunt Katie, who one day when I was walking home from the bus stop pulled up next to me in a white van and asked me if I knew who Teresa Welch was, I said I did, and then she asked me where she lived, I was a little scared but I remember pointing towards the property that held the trailer I was heading into. Teresa was my mother, and then I told Katie that. She then asked me who I was Cassie or Jennie and I told her I was Jennie and that’s when she introduced herself as my Aunt Katie, Don’s (My dad) sister. I remember she had a daughter, but I can’t remember her name, only that she has a strange obsession with the characters Pain and Panic from Disney’s Hercules. And if I remember correctly, she lived somewhere in Alabama, or maybe it was Mississippi? It was a southern state
And then there was my Uncle Butch, I’m not sure if that is his real name, but I don’t recall ever meeting him. Or anything about him, and I think he’s actually dead now, but I can’t be sure.
Why is this part of my life so detached and unfamiliar? On my mother’s side I knew a lot of family and relatives. I spent many holidays with cousins and my grandparents Jean and Mike from my mom’s side. I know that 1st name was taken from my grandpa’s great great grandmother (Maybe there was one more great, or maybe one less) and I know that Marie is the name of an Aunt on my grandmother’s side and that she lived near D.C. I know that my grandpa grew up in Tennessee and that he supported his mother even after he had my aunt, uncle and mom.
I know a lot of little tidbits about my mother’s side of the family, a lot more than I can even imagine knowing of my dads. I don’t ever recall not knowing. For example, with my grandma’s side I know these people existed, some of them were Just known as “Great Grandma Crawford” or “Great Grandma Burba.” I feel a little detached without this knowledge of my dad’s side of the family. Like my family tree isn’t very complete and pieces are broken. I feel silly about all this, but the historian inside of me loves to know things like that.
I wish I could ask my dad, but some of it is hard to do. When someone is diagnosed mentally ill, It’s hard to ask questions about family, his family. I know he’s very proud of his children, and I know that he loves his siblings, but I’m not sure his childhood or family life is something he likes to talk about. It’s like I grew up without a father, except I didn’t and he was a great father despite the obstacles he faced, he did the best he could with what he had and the Hurricane force of nature that was my mother.
It’s not like I had nothing, I’m very thankful for the family I did have and did know about. I just wish I had more pieces to my puzzle.

Starting from Scratch.... again..

You take for granted when you have everything in your house at your fingertips when you're living at home or have already started a collection. I had a place back in Tucson - this place had all the staples one might need. We had spices, we had peanut butter, we had dishes and cutting knives. We had mixing bowls, and pots, we had pans for frying, we had spoons, forks and butter knives. We had everything one person might need in a kitchen and I stupidly left this all behind when I made the cross country trek.

Now I find myself thinking "I guess I'd better get peanut butter if I want peanut butter toast." Even staying with my friend as I had been, had an already established household. So the staples were already there, or at least they're what I call the staples. I only had to buy certain baking things because, well these boys don't bake, hell you'd be lucky if they even cooked with their busy on-the-go lifestyles.

Having moved all of my stuff into the house I set out to tackle the next task, I needed to buy groceries so that I wasn't stopping for fast food or grabbing a meal from the convenience store all the time. I made a list and attempted to conquer it. I was so excited because I had gotten some cereal that I really liked and hadn't had in a while and I even had milk that wasn't expired. And when I got home to my despair, I realized; I hadn't thought to buy bowls and the cups I had wouldn't hold much. That's when I realized I had reached a new "Ghetto-starving-student" low. I started eying the smallest sauce pan figuring that would work perfectly as a cereal bowl, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I've got a Crush, On you....

I was talking to a friend of mine today about a guy I totally had a crush on in High School. He worked at a grocery store that happened to be close to where I was staying. I remember how I used to go into that grocery store to see if he was working and if he was, I'd quickly get into his line and then remember that in order to get a chance to talk to him, I had to actually buy something.

In my painfully obvious attempts to act smooth, I'd grab a pack of gum, sometimes even a bottle of water and place them on the conveyor belt. Could it be more obvious that I was there for him as he was often in the line for the people doing major shopping and there would be a clear line in the 10 items or less isle. My attempts to be smooth were clearly futile.

What makes this worse is, I didn't really have to try and talk to him. He was in my Journalism class, and hung out with myself and the Editor I was often confused for, which by the way I will NEVER understand how we got confused. I got that both of our names started with the Letter J, But she was 5'4 blond hair blue eyes, 34D, with a 26 inch waist, or something to that effect. And I, was a tall tub of lard comparatively. Never the less, we answered to either name. Anyway, Brad, that was his name was part of our crew, he was a photographer on staff and we were eager to learn writers/editors, so why did I have to try to play it cool and stalk him at his job? I'll never understand my hormonal and high school self, because sometimes, I did the most bizarre things.

Happiness is a remote control...

I never thought that a little remote could hold so much joy, not until I purchased an iHome. For the technically unsavy, an iHome is a speaker/docking system for an Ipod in which the music that you have collected on said ipod will spew forth. It's also an alarm clock and a radio, all the convenience of a Radio/CD player, without the mess of CDs. Joy.

And boy does it ever bring me Joy, as sad as that sounds. I spent a good portion of last night laying lifelessly on my back in bed with my head starring at the digitalized numbers from an upside down view skipping through songs and allowing the sounds of the music to envelope me in its arms. No Eminem for me today. Skip. Ah, Memory from Cats, that will stay. And while I'm normally one to rock out to the likes of queen, that, qualified for a skip. Tonight’s mood required elegant music from the likes of Sarah Brightman or Michael Crawford, The Phantom of the Opera and for good measure, some comedic relief from Brian Regan.... Yes, it mixed well in my head. And that little black remote that I clenched so tightly in my hand held the power of the skip, so that i didn't have to reach the 3-4 feet and hit skip on the actual ipod itself.

Lazy. Bliss. Happiness. iHome remote, you spin me right round.

Status Update: Jennie, The E True Hollywood Story?

I found a place; it’s a 3 bedroom house in Union, NJ (pictured over there!) (Which is considered one of the nicer parts of town… Read EXPENSIVE) And I’ll be moving in around the week of March 1st. I have a roommate, her name is Jess and she works at Barnes and Noble. Yay for book nerds! And I’m very excited/nervous to be moving into my own place and taking on the New Jersey life head on.

I’m also glad to not be moving into the 1st place I found, because the lady is totally weird… I’ll refer to her as “The Creepy Cat Lady” because she is in every sense of the word. Not only does she have like 15 cats (she rescues cats) but also thinks that these cats are from another planet and that she can in fact talk to them… WEIRDO! Plus the Union place is much closer to my work. Less gas money used.

I need to find a bed for the place and I’ll be pretty much good to go…

In the land of purchases, I bought a Nikon D60 on the recommendation of a photographer friend because it’s my first real dSLR camera and its great for beginners, I should be receiving that some time this week – I only spent 400.00 on it, which is great considering they generally retail for between $500-600.00. I also got an iHome for my ipod… so I’m not using my computer all the time for my source of music. I also bought 4 movies. Yay for Circuit City going out of business? All I need now is a Wii and my life will feel somewhat complete… at least in my head.

The job is decent, boring, but decent and paying me so I refuse to complain much about that. School is kicking my ass, and teaching me more about time management than I could have ever imagined.

I’m in the process of kicking a real bad Upper Respiratory Infection (Yay for spending 148.00 to go to urgent care and get antibiotics! Gotta love our health system!)…. I’ve been sick for the entire week and I’m just now resuming a somewhat normal feel, although I still have quite a bit of sleepless nights due to the coughing, other than that, things are moving along quite well.

And that’s what I’ve been doing….Fascinating… I know.

And we are never, ever the same

When you cross that boarder between friendship and not, or you take a step in the wrong direction and blurt something out, you risk losing the friendship you’ve had.

I am no stranger to losing friends – nor am I the innocent party in losing said friends, but I am by no means the only one to make the friendship stop.

Though, I feel guilty, because what used to be a great friendship founded on being open and being able to talk has just become a cloud of holding things in and refusing to speak. Refusing to let things out for the fear of the truth hurting.

He used to be able to tell me anything and it didn’t bother me and now, he feels like he can’t say anything to me, because it will end in an argument. I’ve changed our friendship by falling for him, even when everything in my head said it was right to do; That is was okay to do. I've single handed-ly changed that friendship because I fell.

Clearly, it has become a trend in my life to cause these disturbances in the relationships that I hold closely to. I take offense to the things in which I should not take offense to. I get my self emotionally attached so that when things do not come out the way I would like to, I am hurt.

I would like to be able to talk to my best friends again, but clearly, I have lost that right to do so. It’s my fault for falling for one of them, and it’s my fault for getting defensive on something I should have held my tongue on with others.

And there lies my problem. I do not know when to shut up. When to take the hit and just let things go.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

The Guy who worked in the city....

He sounded great, he worked in the city for a company that did video editing for shows on Discovery channel, MTV and a few others... He also had an apartment with a rooftop with a view. So he had all the right things going on in his court...

And then.....

I went on a date with this guy, and he told me that I needed to park my sarcasm…

So, pretty much he just told me to not be me…

Needless to say, I do not talk to him anymore.

We look pretty normal, lets go back to that.

I've noticed that since I've moved when people ask me about my life before, I clench up. I don't want to delve too much information about my past so that people pre judge.

When I was interviewing people would ask me about my family and my mind would race. "Are you close with your family?" Answer: I'm close with a few siblings. "Where are your parents?" Answer: My mother is dead... To me.... My father is crazy. Of course I don't say that, I say in a chipper voice "They live in AZ, but I was mostly raised by my grandmother, who passed away last March of Pancreatic cancer, she's the reason I have this opportunity to live here and go to school." And then I'd watch as two people exchanged a look, "she's a broken person, she clearly is not capable of caring for our children." or "She doesn't have family, clearly she's not a family oriented type person."

Which is quite the opposite. The world brought me into a broken home, it set me up for failure, and yet some how, I think I've come out on top, or at least near the top, with the ability to stand up and climb to the top. I love families. I love the idea of it. I mean I have family. I have a sister and I have brothers. I have cousins, and aunts and uncles. I had friends. I had friends parents. I had a grandmother who took care of me and attempted to teach me right from wrong with the help of others. I had a family, but my family was broken, it was pieces of my family and the family of my friends. This was my family.

I'm in the process of jumping through hoops to get into a place, and everyone wants to know "What was your family life like?" It was broken, but I'm not broken, I've picked the pieces up. They may not be glued back together but I hold them neatly together as I glue pieces. My childhood, I think was happy - my brain has slowly begun to filter out things and my recollection of things has become murky. I was happy as a child, I'm sure of it, because I was oblivious to all that happened, seemingly living in my own world. And to some extent, I still live that way.

So it brings me to the topic of dating. The whole idea scares the crap out of me and up until now, never was a thought in my mind. And I want to get out of my shell, I want to stand tall for who and what I am. But I'm freaked out to be asked about my family. About my life before. What do I say when people ask? How to I appear to not be so damaged? Damaged people scare off others. But we're all damaged to some extent. Some of us more than others. But still I wonder how I am to approach the situation. How do I come off confident, strong and able? You certainly can't start the conversation with "Hi, I'm Jennie, I come from a broken home."

I dont want to wait another minute, put me out of my misery...

"It's never easy and you never know what leaves you crying and what makes you whole there ain't no way that I can hold it down falling to pieces, forever in doubt..."



and hearing people tell me "I'm better off" just makes me frustrated, because i know this, and I wish my heart and brain would align!

And I "feel like a candle in a hurricane, Just like a picture with a broken frame."

My life is broken. I've got 2 weeks to move out. I just got a job. I start school next week. My heart aches... my brain hurts. I've had a bad stomach ache for months now... And I think its all stress related...

Time after time...

Wash It All Away

Rain always made the desert come alive,
I was a dry desert waiting to be touched.
When it came, I sat motionless,
letting water drip down my face,
over my forehead and down the bridge
of my nose.
It washed away the dirt,
Down my cheek, as if mother nature
was shedding a tear for me,
its as if she's saying, "Take a break
its not as bad as you think."
My clothes sticky and wet against my chilled skin
it was the smell and taste of life.

I'm looking through you, where did you go?

My time in Tucson flew by way too quickly. It seems like just a few hours ago i was standing in the hotel in Houston cursing the airline that made me miss the last flight out to Tucson, and now here I am approaching my departure from the city of which I was born.

It was a mixed feelings visit for me. I had a great time seeing all of my friends and family. I mean great time. You really have to not be around them constantly to appreciate what they offer. And boy to I appreciate them all. Some people I wasn’t able to get together with as times were pressing, but they certainly were not forgotten.

Unfortunately, I got hit with a sever stomach virus that left me feeling immobile and defenseless. Now, having successfully purged the contents of my stomach, i can re fill it for whatever this stomach virus wants to do.... hopefully the worst has already come and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. (I know that you guys wanted to know that I was sick in such graphic detail.)

And with this trip I have a greater understanding of what I need to do to make it. I have a new found passion for working towards being happy with myself inside and out. It’s given me goals and things to look forward to.

My grandma was certainly missed this holiday season as she just loved our Christmas Eve traditions, and while it didn’t hit me that night, it did creep into my mind and wake me feeling slightly empty and sad. I know that this is only the first of many Christmas’s to come, but I hope that this is the only one that cuts as deep as it has.

Hope everyone had a great holiday and that their new year is filled with love & happiness.

"You don't look different but you have changed, I'm looking through you, you're not the same" - The Beatles

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

I’m all for naming your child whatever you want to, with in reason. Have some fucking decency before you start naming your children awkward things because you want them to stand out. While I hate my name because its very common, I’m not going to go on this weird name scheme.

I see it a lot with famous people, Gweneth Paltro named her Daughter Apple, Tom and Katie Cruise and Suri. It’d ridiculous what people name their kids because of their own fucking ego. They don’t realize the long life of hell that child has in front of them and are blinded by their own wants and desires to not take some time to think “How badly is this going to fuck my child over?”

Well, a family in NJ has topped the list of Fucked up names to give your child. When I think about naming my child in memory of someone, I want it to be a strong name, that doesn’t inflict pain on others. So, Yea, I’ll go with Adolph Hitler. Thats right, their 3-year-old son’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell, and he has siblings with equally as awkward names, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April. Aryan Nation? Seriously? You guys are awesome parents.

And, here’s the kicker, this family got pissed off because a local supermarket wouldn’t put “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” on his birthday cake. While the supermarket did say they reserved the right to not put that on their but would leave space for the family to write their own inscription this is just not tolerable to these fine upstanding citizens. They just can’t believe that this supermarket wouldn’t give this 3-year-old a cake.

You can read the article here.

But can I just say that in my personal opinion these parents have issues, and they are pushing their issues onto their children and if they truly were good parents they would think about the consequences of their actions before naming their kids names that are guaranteed to have them singled out and teased quite a bit in school. They obviously were only thinking of themselves when they named their kids, and that is what makes them TERRIBLE parents in my book. Selfish pricks.

I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell

"Soon as I hit the pavement I could see straight. The rocks in the concrete made a beautiful shape. A voice out of nowhere lit a match in the dark and the blood on my face kind of looked like a heart."

I can’t help but think I’ve fucked up in the past few years with the choices I’ve made. They always seem like the smart idea at the time. But then it seems that later on I discover that the choices I made were stupid.

I feel like every choice I’ve ever mad was a stupid one. Just another step in being the fuck up that I tend to be. And I don’t want to feel like that and I have been trying to get out of it.

The problems that have come up lately, are really making me on edge. I don’t feel comfortable in the place that I live in that I know that people would prefer if I wasn’t here. Its not something they have outwardly expressed to me, but rather this very cold vibe that I have been getting.

I wasn’t supposed to even be here this long it was really supposed to be a jumping off point for me but it turned into a sit and fumble around point. Since I got laid off, things have really come to a halt. I thought I was getting somewhere and I was really excited because I was looking for my own place, and now I’m back at square one.

Looking back If I hadn’t moved to NJ, realistically, I would still have a solid good job at a company that I adored. But I moved here hoping I would find the same type of place here. A place that made me feel good when I woke up and went to work. Sure I had my crap days, but for the most part, I didn’t mind going to work. I looked forward to it because it harnessed my skills well. It gave me the opportunity to grow and see the potential I truly had instead of leaving me feeling awkward and fumbling.

But I left that behind for an adventure. For opportunity, and I have had a lot of opportunity. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all that has been given up for me to make the move here. The space that has been invaded, the time given to help me. The great deal on a car that I got. I would never really have had that had I not made the decision to move. So, no not everything sucks. But the parts that seem to matter in my moving forward and being able to stay afloat sure have knocked me off my feet.

I’m trying to remain positive, but I can’t help but think that perhaps I shot myself in the foot. I can’t move back because I risk the fall and the cowardly tail between my legs syndrome from all those who said I wouldn’t make it. I can make it, I know I can.... I just don’t feel like I can stay here either.

Its a tough situation and I’m really trying to find the comfort that I need, but I seem to have closed up quite a bit in the past month. I’ve started to only show 1/3 of what’s truly there. Which is not a good thing, but its all I feel I can do right now. I don’t have the strength to fight about it, to talk about it, I don’t have the heart to feel the pain that I’ve felt most recently for being me.

Make a list of Pro’s and Cons...


Tucson
Pro - Friends, Family, knowing, a job
Con - Its boring, its hot, its known, not diversified.

Jersey
Pro - NYC, East Coast, Colleges, Independence, Travel opportunity.
Cons - Feeling helpless, jobless, Lack of Family, Lack of a lot of friends.

The Pro’s are in the favor of New Jersey, but the problem is I need funds to see those pro’s through and being without a job leaves me feeling helpless.

And you know, its not just the job. I feel pretty alone, even though I live with two people. I feel pretty lost, even though there’s a clear path before me.

I feel my faith in myself slowly fading.....

“I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell. Anywhere that I could be, Love is going to get to me.”

All you had to do is pay some attention

Its strange to think that the world as I once knew it will never be the same. I used to dread the holidays. I was worried about how I would react to things that would be said and even more so, what would be said.

I feared gathering with my family because of the arguments. And yet, as I sit here on the eve before Thanksgiving, I realize I miss my family. Even if we did argue.... I miss knowing that there was a place that felt like home.

I miss watching my nephews run around or having Jeremiah babble at great lengths about nothing at all. And I miss the smells that would becoming from the kitchen. And how there would be 4 (to 5 cars) parked outside of her house. And she would be screaming for someone to come help (And usually it was me.) I guess she inadvertently made me feel useful and wanted. Even if it did piss me off at the time. I miss the smell of the pine trees, and the warmth of the fire.

Nothing feels like home anymore. It feels like I’m walking blindly in the world with no where to go that has the comforts of the known.

My grandma’s house was always home for me. It was always a place for me to go... My heart feels homeless and lonely.... is it always going to feel like this?

On the positive side, I am cooking the “sides” for Thanksgiving this year. Jake is deep frying a Turkey (I hear its good, but I’m still skeptical.) And I am preparing mashed potatoes, dressing, Sweet Potatoes (Yams), and Green Jello (My family style) and hopefully it doesn’t taste like ass. Though, it only seems like 1/4th of what I’m used to it’s going to be quite a bit of food. And I’m glad I wont be spending thanksgiving working.... at least I’ll have one friend around and that is good enough for me.

After tomorrow I can officially commence listening to Christmas music without feeling ridiculous....

I fuckin Rule.

So, in my unemployment I've been trying to not eat food, instead when I feel like I'm hungry, I just make something and then hope my roommates will eat it.

Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.

I fucking rule.



Now hopefully it tastes good too!

Yay me.

I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!

I'd be an awesome mom!

I got fired, so I wrote a letter and sent it.

Some of you might have seen the letter I had drawn up. This is the finished draft that I mailed out today. I included my letter of recommendation from my previous employer.

November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080

Dear Zenya Gallagher,

On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.

When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.

It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.

It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.

Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.

If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.

This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.

Sincerely yours,


JENNIFER C*******

Move me Round the sun, around...

So I just strolled in from a VERY rainy night in the city. This is an experience I've never felt before and I loved it. I mean I’ve experienced the sprinkling here and there, but not so much the torrential downpour. Sure it was cold once I got into the building and my shirt was clinging to me in an unpleasant way. (But I'll be damned if the little kid in me wasn't twirling around having a ball.)

I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.



They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.

All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.