Work really grinds my gears.

I really dislike people that are of the mindset that a persons job should be held over their head and that they should be made to fear being fired. With the economy being what is was and what it is many companies are taking advantage of the desperate nature of individuals by placing sweatshop like policies on their employees.

I know that a business is a business and that it must function correctly with everyone doing their jobs, but I also realize that the most successful companies are those who value their employees and understand the idea of a "happy worker."

The idea is that if an employee is happy with their position and what they do, they will work harder, thus generating more profit for the company. On the flip side, if an employee is subject to doing a task that they do not like and are not treated well, they are less likely to complete the task at a fast rate, thus lowering the generation of income.

A lot of the productivity has to do with the higher level and lower level employee interaction. If situations always seem confrontational it causes a lot of unnecessary. pressure in the air. If an employee makes a statement about something they are finding particularly hard to deal with the response in which their superior or another employee gives makes a difference in how things will progress.

Scenario 1:

Employee: Sometimes I wish we could catch a break it seems like the work load is just so intense it would be nice to see that the rock that time we spend working on it seemed to be making a difference.

Supervisor: We'll if we didn't have work than you wouldn't have a job.


Scenario 2:

Employee: Sometimes I wish we could catch a break it seems like the work load is just so intense it would be nice to see that the rock that time we spend working on it seemed to be making a difference.

Supervisor: I know it looks like you're not accomplishing anything but you're really doing a good job and I appreciate your hard work.

In those scenarios which do you think would promote the person to work harder or just do what they need to do to keep their jobs. The bottom line is positive reinforcement generally works to the advantage of the employer. Human nature is to enjoy having egos fluffed. In the same manner that someone who has obtained a Doctorate loves when people call them "Dr." because they worked hard for what they have.

I guess my problem also lies within the idea that I enjoy that I get paid when I do work, but even more than that I am driven by recognition and the need to feel as the fruits of my labor are something that can make me gain not only in a monetary since but also in pride. The problem is, I work for a company that treats their employees fairly badly and they use negative reinforcement as something to make a person work just so they can continue to have a job.

The idea that the words "There are a bunch of other people that would love to have your job" was said in a speech that was supposed to promote productivity doesn't sit well with me. It makes me sad that some people actually think there is nothing better out there. It's like a really abusive relationship and my employers know this.

He is teaching me...

I remember I was driving with a CD I had created of some music, the windows were down and it was rather warm considering the weather we had been having. I was enjoying the warmth of the sun for one of the first times since before fall and winter began. All in all, it was a good day.

I’ve found that music is an outlet for musicians to purge their emotions out and if they’re heard sometimes someone can connect with what they’re saying.

I’ve always been found of Flyleaf songs for their meaning and content. Not to mention my addiction to the singers voice. Her voice has something that captivates me. The lyrics are always something I can relate to on some level and more recently I had discovered some songs I had not known about before.

The song opened and I wasn’t paying too much attention until I heard a specific phrase:

“He has every reason to throw up is fist in the face of his god who let his mother die, through all the prayers and tears she still passed in pain anyway…”

This hit me particularly hard because while it hit on a religious level it also hit on a level of loss, which is not always of a religious standpoint. So I listened a little bit more and it continued, “You think there’s no use in praying, but still he bows his head so he can say thank you for ending her pain…” at this point I was hooked, but I wanted to hear more. I could feel the bumps in my skin begin to rise as I listen to these lyrics. So I hit replay to hear the song all the way through.

This song hit me in a way that made me question my faith these days because often I am turned off by religious speeches and talks. While I have belief and I was born and raised Catholic, my religious views tend to be a little more toned down and to myself. Most people want to share their religion and preach it to the world but I on the other hand keep it to myself. It’s not that I think of it as something that needs to be a secret, but more something that is private and something I like to keep to myself. It’s like something good that I keep for me, like a memento or shared moment with a friend.

In essence I look at religion as something that I have for me and myself, to keep me moving. A reason this song particularly spoke to me was because of the lines “You think there’s no use in praying…” I’ve never really been one to pray and often when told to say prayers I shrug it off as something not necessary. My belief is that god knows what I am thinking and so my thoughts alone count as prayer without saying things like the “Hail Mary” or “Our Father.” The idea of an “organized” prayer turns me away. It’s also why I’m not found in church often when a mass is being said, but rather will go when there isn’t much going on in the church and I can be alone in my thoughts. So instinctively this son talks about the idea of prayer and doing it more often, but I needed to hear more, So I hit replay and listened to the song I was really able to feel/understand the song in a more complete way.

Supernatural – Flyleaf

Her headaches constant,
Increasing in pain with each passing day.
She can't even manage to stand on her own
It’s gotten so bad.

You think in saying there's no use in praying
But still she bows her head
So she can say thank you for just one more day.

Supernatural patience
Graces her face
And her voice never raises
All because, of a love, never let go of.
Never let go of...

He has every reason to throw up his fists
In the face of his God who let his mother die.
Through all the prayers and tears,
She still passed in pain anyway.

You think in saying there's no use in praying
But still he bows his head
So he can say thank you for ending her pain.

Supernatural patience
Graces his face
And his voice never raises
All because, of a love, never let go of.
Never let go of...
He is teaching me
What love really means.

Supernatural patience
Graces his face
And his voice never raises.
All because, of a love,
Never let go of.

Yes it's supernatural patience.
It graces his face
And his voice never raises.
All because, of a love,
Never let go of.
Never let go of...

He is teaching me
What love really means.

This song means more than religion; it’s also about the choice to see something good out of something bad. For the woman she speaks of she looks at her illness as a problem, but she also looks at each day as a gift and something to be proud of something to be thankful. While she suffers, as many of us do – she is also thankful that she can spend time here. She embraces life even though hers is crumbling before her. “Thank you for just one more day…” which made me realize that even in my trials and bumps along the road I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot that I take for granted, like “just one more day.”

And then the song goes into talk about the other person affected by the woman’s death. “He has every reason to throw up his fists in the face of his God who let his mother die…” more often than not I am quick to push the blame else where and in the instance of my grandmother and grandfather dying my anger was displaced and aimed towards god or a higher power. I would become angry arguing that pain and suffering should not be allowed. And then the song moves further into the man bowing his head and saying “thank you for ending her pain…” and it opened up something I was always conscious of but never really fully acknowledged, which is again the idea of two sides. In this instance the death, while sad brought an end to pain, which we can all be thankful. In some instances a death could mean life for another person (which is why I’m all for organ donating, but that’s an entirely different post for another time.)

Really, what this song taught me is “supernatural patience” it opened my eyes to the idea of my religion and being able to call on it for strength in hard times but also to realize that this isn’t the end and there is always something more. There are always two sides to the story and two ways to look at things.

I brought home the smell of Happiness in a bag...

And time for an update…

I’ve officially been back at my own house now for about 2 and a half hours. And I’ve done pretty much nothing other than take a cold shower and throw some clothes in the washer.

I didn’t realize how exhausting flying can be. My body is done, even if I did spend most of the day asleep. I was just catching up from the lack of sleep I got the day I flew home.

So that being said, right before I left for my trip out to Arizona I got these sharp pains in my upper abdomen right below my right breast. The pains lasted for almost 4 hours and I left work early. As I was driving home the pains subsided but since I had insurance I thought it would be smarter if I actually used the insurance.

So I went to the doctor and then I was told to get an ultrasound of the problematic area so I did that the day before I flew out and they told me they would call me with the results. Twenty minutes after landing in Arizona I get a phone call from the doctor, apparently I have gallstones of which I have to see a specialist about and I also have a fatty liver, of which, the doctor didn’t say much in regards to it. Great.

So now that I’m back in town I’ll go pick up my referral and then schedule an appointment with a gallbladder specialist, but I have no idea when I’ll be able to even go pick up the referral… We’ll see.

So that’s the health issues I face. On a good note, I received word from the community college that I have gotten a pell grant and some state aid totally in a little under 5000.00 for the semester which should be perfect to pay for full time classes and books leaving a little extra for living expenses and what not. I need to take school serious so I have a plan in development where I will work through the summer at my current job saving up and then in September when school starts I’m going to look for a part time job and then quit my current job. I’ve got to get school out of the way so that I can start my life… So hopefully I can do this. We shall see.

I'm a gallery of broken hearts, Know that maybe I will be okay...

Sometimes I sit and think of how insecure I must be to allow these people who while, have helped me out in some tough situations, tend to treat me like crap. I’m not trying to play the victim card because I am by no means innocent at all, I know I can be quite the fuck up, but my intentions are generally good I think.

I’ve been extraordinarily picky about who I bring into my circle this time around and I think that has left me pretty friendless.

I don’t have the same kinds of friends that I used to have. The ones that want to hang out a lot, or just chill. I have friends with busy lives who have more to do than they can handle and I just feel like a this extra (a lot of extra) weight that they have to carry around as to not watch me sink into this horrible depression.

But then I think, Damn it, I deserve attention. I deserve to be treated with some respect. To be more than just Jennie, but someone who is interesting and has things to say. But with some people, there are only certain things that can be said and a door has been closed.

I miss being able to talk freely without quilt consuming me. It’s not all my fault I feel guilty, but it certainly isn’t all of the other peoples faults either. Things will be better when I learn how to stop feeling…

Other than being extremely upset with myself things are progressing along smoothly. I still continue to hate my job, but my first semester in college has ended and I think I came out somewhat on top.

I’m getting ready for a trip back to Arizona, where for a brief shining moment I will have friends that just want to hang out with me but I’m sure once I return I will feel this lump of emptiness burning within me.

I just needed to whine/vent etc…

I’m fine, just a few bumps and frustrations.

Two steps froward, two steps back...

Making some progress…

For the past year I have wanted to buy a dSLR camera and move forward in my knowledge and skills with being a professional, or semi-professional photographer. Any time I had the money, something always came up and I ended back at square one, and wasn’t able to progress any further.

I can now check that off the list. Done.

The problem with this now is I’m finding everything that I knew about photography was nothing. I’m starting at square one and having to learn everything. Now, its all about lenses (which by the way, did I mention they’re an arm and a leg?) It’s about lighting and being able to focus correctly. Granted, I do have an auto focus and automatic setting for the “point and shoot” variety, but it’s not going to cut it this time.

I’m a big kid now.

I’ve come out of a pretty tough week. My job and my boss really has started to get to me and I’ve almost had it with the petty bullshit double standard that’s been taking place. Generally, there are always some double standards and there’s always some favoritism, but this is getting ridiculous.

Example one – we’re allowed to read when it’s a little slow, as long as we’re getting our work done. I see people reading catalogs, People, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, the bible – the slow time I take as a great time to do some homework so I had a book out open on my desk. I wasn’t really reading it at the time; I just had it open so I wouldn’t lose my place. My boss comes over, interrupts me mid phone call (you know, when I’m working) and tells me I can’t be doing my homework at work? Whoa, I can read trashy tabloids but I can’t read my Making Literature Matter textbook? Where is the sense in that? No only did she interrupts my call, but my customer could HEAR her talking to me and in that moment she undermined my ability to actually do my job. The customer now doubted my capability. Yes, way to go Roe!

And guess what, she wrote me up for it too.

My week continued to go like this, this incident happened Monday. And then Tuesday she yelled at me for putting on lip gloss at my desk, citing “You can’t put make up on at your desk, do it before you get to work.”

But she can. And everyone else I’ve ever seen do it in front of her can.

Wednesday is the day I received the write up. Fabulous, there isn’t anything I love better than being criticized. It really starts my day out well.

Thursday, seemingly okay, she (Roe) only yells at us a couple times.

And then Friday, she yells at me because I had solved a customers problem (They were billed 6 months) when they shouldn’t have been, because the authorization tape that was recorded didn’t really give them authorization and should have been canceled. It wasn’t, so I issued a full refund for the client. At the end, I said my line “Were you completely satisfied with my level of customer service today?” to which the customer replied “Yes, thank you.”

Problem solved.

No, no it wasn’t. Then here comes Lawrence (The Chosen One) tapping me on the shoulder ready to pass of work to me, usually in the form of a screaming customer to which he didn’t attempt to help. It was my previous customers husband, he had called to bitch us out for, well billing him when we shouldn’t have. Which to some degree I understand….had I NOT issued any credits or attempted to resolve the issue, but I had…. So this guy just wanted to bitch me out. And on top of it all, his phone kept dropping so it was like this drawn out 3 part call where he cursed at me using every word he could. I can handle this so I allowed him to bitch occasionally mentioning that I had canceled the account and that credit was issued. Of course, after 3 months I clearly do not know how to do my job, so mid call Roe starts lecturing me, all of us, on how to handle extreme customers. And then she has someone come stand next to me coaching me on a call they cannot hear.

It could be me, but is she paying entirely too much attention to me?

It’s Friday, the course of the week has made my nerves shot. I’m pissed off at work, pissed off at my professor because he continues to make us do completely asinine assignments that degrade our intelligence and are rather redundant. He makes us analyze a 2-paragraph essay in 5 pages. And did I mention he keeps calling me Jess/Jessica/Jessie in written papers? It’ not like its out loud, its written out on a paper that clearly has my name typed out at the top. It has me hating the language I have grown accustom to loving.

But still, I’m making progress.

After 5 months of procrastination, I have joined a gym. Of which I have not set out a goal, but it will probably be something along the lines of 3 times a week, most likely after work. So here’s to me loosing some fat kid status.

Saint Paddy's day Reflection.....

Last St. Patrick's Day I was on Grandma duty. When you're old and dying of Pancreatic cancer, your strength is less than that of a younger person. I was there to help. I had to care for her.

As a tradition, every St. Patrick's day meant Corned Beef and Cabbage - And I was going to make it. I remember standing in the entry way of her room as she began to tell me how to make it. Her frail hands moved only slightly up and down like an imaginary seamstress working the cloth through a sewing machine as she indicated that I needed to make sure the seasoning packet was on the corned beef and to make sure the water was 3/4ths of the pot.

"Bring it to a boil," she said

But I was already on my way back to her kitchen to start the first step. I did not stop to fully listen to her instructions.

"Wait a Minute!" she screeched after me, and the hair on my neck stood on ends, remembering unpleasantly that it was the same screech she used when she called my name.

I sullenly went back, impatiently bouncing from one foot to another, barely listening as she told me more instructions. Why hadn't I listened to her then? The lesson she was teaching should be something I paid attention to. She was after all telling me how to make one of my favorite meals.

Stupidly, I assumed there would be other times. Next year, I would do this again. It didn't even cross my mind that in a weeks time, she would reach her final resting place.

So tonight, I'll be making Corned Beef and cabbage, hoping that the six different recipes I consulted will cook the roast the same way she would have. Not listening to her really made me regret. I can't change what is done, but because I didn't take the time to note all her delicious recipes has taken, it has had its toll on me.

I was her right hand girl in the kitchen so why is it that I can't cook? I should have paid closer attention to what she was saying so that when I was Head of the kitchen, I wouldn't be fumbling around like a 16-year-old boy on his way to second base.

Because now when I get the urge to make Speedy-fruit pie, or I want to know how long to cook a pot roast, I can't just dial her number and ask her the question, because she isn't there to answer. You never listen when someone says "One day you'll regret this" or "Cherish the moments you have..."

Wishing you were somehow here again

It’s been an exceptionally lonely week for me. And while some people were around a little and at times I was surrounded by a lot of people. I’m still feeling this overwhelming loss and loneliness. And for all purposes, with everything going on in my life I should be okay, if not happy.

I’m not broke nor am I struggling to survive, I’m thriving in an environment that was supposed to beat me. And at one point it did. New Jersey’s harshness has shown very little in the way of comfort or help in the attempts to pull myself from the shambles that I have created for myself. The “You’ll never make it” and the “you are a failure” statements have rung exceptionally loud in my ears from my lowest moments and even in my highest. I’m standing on top of this peek and I’m looking out upon this massive world waiting to be invaded and experienced.

I’m struggling only to breathe. Almost a year ago and I’m still struggling to find peace with myself to forgive myself and I can’t seem to do it. I ignored her calls and persistently had disregard to her needs. When she needed me the most, I collapsed under my own selfishness and inability to be strong. I know that I cannot blame myself for the cancer that took her, but I can’t help but take some responsibility for how quickly she went. I was anything but perfect in her eyes, I was a one-girl train wreck that was speeding down wrong track after wrong track, but I was attempting to find the right one with all the experiences I had. And time and time again after I would fall, she would pick me up and try and straighten me out. She tried what she knew how to do and I learned my lessons from tough love. I may have come out with a few scars and insecurities, but I’m still standing here today.

I fight each day for her. To prove that I can do it and so that in the end I can say that she is one of the people who is responsible for what I have become today. So that I can look back on my troubled past and know that I’ve fought hard to be where I am. But I’m having a rough time fighting this loneliness.

A Customer Service Rant...

Do the people who call into my place of business even realize that I could be a potential customer before they rip into me and say the shit they do? Does it even occur to them as Business owners, that they should treat people with respect regardless of their anger? As a customer service representative I am trained to allow comments to roll off like water off a ducks back. But there is only so much rudeness a person can take before they want to scream into the phone to FUCK OFF.

Today, I spoke with a lady who worked for Ken's Restaurant in Chicago, IL - She was by far the worst person I have spoken with in a long time, trying to use her management position at a restaurant get to me. And quite frankly it worked. She was charged, but the person that my company spoke with was not an authorized party so I canceled the account and issued the credits for the charges she received. She then demanded that she hear the tape of the conversation between an employee of hers and my company, of which I complied. She then proceeded to tell me that I, and my company was single handily responsible for the firing of said employee.

This was the straw that broke the camels back. I was irritated before because she wanted my assistance but wouldn't let me explain. Do not call me asking me questions and then not allow me to answer. And second, regardless of your anger, you do not blame me for you taking this out on your employee because you're an ass. Especially considering what I did for you. I did NOT have to give you your money back, legally, I do not have to do shit, however, as a customer service representative I have the compassion and understanding that sometimes a rep, who is not me may not speak clear enough for a person to understand what is being said. And that the person taking the call does not have the sense to ask them to slow down or repeat what they have said. And furthermore, this was after I have expressed that it was just a misunderstanding and I had apologized for the problem. Did you not get that I also resolved your issue? To me, this just makes you a vindictive ass hole on a power trip and as a potential customer I am completely turned off by your attitude. On a consumer side, I would be disturbed to have you be the person providing a service. And yes, I could be a potential customer, as she does not know where I live.

It's the kind of situation that makes me want to walk into the business and speak to the person in person and say."I was going to dine here but after a very unpleasant experience, I think I'd rather have my retinas torn out through my esophagus." Businesses rely on word of mouth and right now, my word of mouth would not be helping you very much.

The second thing I hate is when people call me and I will inform them of the contact and they will inform me that I am wrong and that this person would NEVER do what they have done. This irritates me to no end, do not speak for other people. That is a big pet peeve of mine. When people go off saying "Oh So-and-So would never do that..." and then I play the recording where So and so is CLEARLY doing what they would NEVER do. It makes me want to punch the person in the face and say HAH! Fuck you. Get over your ego and accept that it happened, I'm not making you responsible for the fucking charge or if there is no charge, I AM going to cancel the account, so just get the fuck over it and give me a chance to explain how I am going to assist you after I give you the information on WHY you got a letter/charge. Because, I will assist you.

My policy is to make the customer happy and that means doing whatever it takes and issuing as much credit as humanly possible. If you see 8 months of charges you will get 8 months of credit back from me. I'm in it for you. But do not question my morals and business practices because you're pissed off. When these people question my business practices, I have to question theirs. I have a list of places I will never go and never use because I base my opinions solely on the customer service that is provided.

Remember, being nice gets you further, being a dick head, gets you put on hold so I can file my nails, but first I have to run to the store to buy the nail file. Enjoy that hold time.

haunt the house of history and listen anew to the ancestors' wisdom.

It’s interesting what causes a persons wheels to turn. I was filling out this stupid little survey that comes up with creative ways to show different aliases a person would go by. For example, if you mix your middle name and the town you were born in, it would be your Soap Opera name. Mine was Marie Tucson. I got to one particular one where it asked me for the name of my grandmother on my moms side and my grandfather on my Dad’s side. It was supposed to be my NASCAR name, except; I couldn’t really answer the question correctly.
The only real things I know about my dad’s father is that he was called Red because of his Irish roots, he had very red hair. I also knew that he and my dad’s mom, my other grandmother were divorced. The only memory I have of my Dad’s mother is that she used to make cheesecake or have cheesecake when we went to visit her. She lived in a motel off of Benson highway.
And then, this all got me thinking about how little I really know about my dad’s side of the family. I know he has siblings and I’ve met some of them and some of them I never knew.
There is my Uncle Mike, who I’ve always know and has always been somewhat of a drifter, unable to grow up and continually in with the wrong crowd, but he always told me I was beautiful and that I should never think less than that.
Then there was my Aunt Louise, my only memories of her were that she had really long hair and was the person who took me to the library for the first time and got me a library card. I don’t know what age I was, but I vaguely remember doing it.
Aunt Katie, who one day when I was walking home from the bus stop pulled up next to me in a white van and asked me if I knew who Teresa Welch was, I said I did, and then she asked me where she lived, I was a little scared but I remember pointing towards the property that held the trailer I was heading into. Teresa was my mother, and then I told Katie that. She then asked me who I was Cassie or Jennie and I told her I was Jennie and that’s when she introduced herself as my Aunt Katie, Don’s (My dad) sister. I remember she had a daughter, but I can’t remember her name, only that she has a strange obsession with the characters Pain and Panic from Disney’s Hercules. And if I remember correctly, she lived somewhere in Alabama, or maybe it was Mississippi? It was a southern state
And then there was my Uncle Butch, I’m not sure if that is his real name, but I don’t recall ever meeting him. Or anything about him, and I think he’s actually dead now, but I can’t be sure.
Why is this part of my life so detached and unfamiliar? On my mother’s side I knew a lot of family and relatives. I spent many holidays with cousins and my grandparents Jean and Mike from my mom’s side. I know that 1st name was taken from my grandpa’s great great grandmother (Maybe there was one more great, or maybe one less) and I know that Marie is the name of an Aunt on my grandmother’s side and that she lived near D.C. I know that my grandpa grew up in Tennessee and that he supported his mother even after he had my aunt, uncle and mom.
I know a lot of little tidbits about my mother’s side of the family, a lot more than I can even imagine knowing of my dads. I don’t ever recall not knowing. For example, with my grandma’s side I know these people existed, some of them were Just known as “Great Grandma Crawford” or “Great Grandma Burba.” I feel a little detached without this knowledge of my dad’s side of the family. Like my family tree isn’t very complete and pieces are broken. I feel silly about all this, but the historian inside of me loves to know things like that.
I wish I could ask my dad, but some of it is hard to do. When someone is diagnosed mentally ill, It’s hard to ask questions about family, his family. I know he’s very proud of his children, and I know that he loves his siblings, but I’m not sure his childhood or family life is something he likes to talk about. It’s like I grew up without a father, except I didn’t and he was a great father despite the obstacles he faced, he did the best he could with what he had and the Hurricane force of nature that was my mother.
It’s not like I had nothing, I’m very thankful for the family I did have and did know about. I just wish I had more pieces to my puzzle.

Starting from Scratch.... again..

You take for granted when you have everything in your house at your fingertips when you're living at home or have already started a collection. I had a place back in Tucson - this place had all the staples one might need. We had spices, we had peanut butter, we had dishes and cutting knives. We had mixing bowls, and pots, we had pans for frying, we had spoons, forks and butter knives. We had everything one person might need in a kitchen and I stupidly left this all behind when I made the cross country trek.

Now I find myself thinking "I guess I'd better get peanut butter if I want peanut butter toast." Even staying with my friend as I had been, had an already established household. So the staples were already there, or at least they're what I call the staples. I only had to buy certain baking things because, well these boys don't bake, hell you'd be lucky if they even cooked with their busy on-the-go lifestyles.

Having moved all of my stuff into the house I set out to tackle the next task, I needed to buy groceries so that I wasn't stopping for fast food or grabbing a meal from the convenience store all the time. I made a list and attempted to conquer it. I was so excited because I had gotten some cereal that I really liked and hadn't had in a while and I even had milk that wasn't expired. And when I got home to my despair, I realized; I hadn't thought to buy bowls and the cups I had wouldn't hold much. That's when I realized I had reached a new "Ghetto-starving-student" low. I started eying the smallest sauce pan figuring that would work perfectly as a cereal bowl, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I've got a Crush, On you....

I was talking to a friend of mine today about a guy I totally had a crush on in High School. He worked at a grocery store that happened to be close to where I was staying. I remember how I used to go into that grocery store to see if he was working and if he was, I'd quickly get into his line and then remember that in order to get a chance to talk to him, I had to actually buy something.

In my painfully obvious attempts to act smooth, I'd grab a pack of gum, sometimes even a bottle of water and place them on the conveyor belt. Could it be more obvious that I was there for him as he was often in the line for the people doing major shopping and there would be a clear line in the 10 items or less isle. My attempts to be smooth were clearly futile.

What makes this worse is, I didn't really have to try and talk to him. He was in my Journalism class, and hung out with myself and the Editor I was often confused for, which by the way I will NEVER understand how we got confused. I got that both of our names started with the Letter J, But she was 5'4 blond hair blue eyes, 34D, with a 26 inch waist, or something to that effect. And I, was a tall tub of lard comparatively. Never the less, we answered to either name. Anyway, Brad, that was his name was part of our crew, he was a photographer on staff and we were eager to learn writers/editors, so why did I have to try to play it cool and stalk him at his job? I'll never understand my hormonal and high school self, because sometimes, I did the most bizarre things.

Happiness is a remote control...

I never thought that a little remote could hold so much joy, not until I purchased an iHome. For the technically unsavy, an iHome is a speaker/docking system for an Ipod in which the music that you have collected on said ipod will spew forth. It's also an alarm clock and a radio, all the convenience of a Radio/CD player, without the mess of CDs. Joy.

And boy does it ever bring me Joy, as sad as that sounds. I spent a good portion of last night laying lifelessly on my back in bed with my head starring at the digitalized numbers from an upside down view skipping through songs and allowing the sounds of the music to envelope me in its arms. No Eminem for me today. Skip. Ah, Memory from Cats, that will stay. And while I'm normally one to rock out to the likes of queen, that, qualified for a skip. Tonight’s mood required elegant music from the likes of Sarah Brightman or Michael Crawford, The Phantom of the Opera and for good measure, some comedic relief from Brian Regan.... Yes, it mixed well in my head. And that little black remote that I clenched so tightly in my hand held the power of the skip, so that i didn't have to reach the 3-4 feet and hit skip on the actual ipod itself.

Lazy. Bliss. Happiness. iHome remote, you spin me right round.

Status Update: Jennie, The E True Hollywood Story?

I found a place; it’s a 3 bedroom house in Union, NJ (pictured over there!) (Which is considered one of the nicer parts of town… Read EXPENSIVE) And I’ll be moving in around the week of March 1st. I have a roommate, her name is Jess and she works at Barnes and Noble. Yay for book nerds! And I’m very excited/nervous to be moving into my own place and taking on the New Jersey life head on.

I’m also glad to not be moving into the 1st place I found, because the lady is totally weird… I’ll refer to her as “The Creepy Cat Lady” because she is in every sense of the word. Not only does she have like 15 cats (she rescues cats) but also thinks that these cats are from another planet and that she can in fact talk to them… WEIRDO! Plus the Union place is much closer to my work. Less gas money used.

I need to find a bed for the place and I’ll be pretty much good to go…

In the land of purchases, I bought a Nikon D60 on the recommendation of a photographer friend because it’s my first real dSLR camera and its great for beginners, I should be receiving that some time this week – I only spent 400.00 on it, which is great considering they generally retail for between $500-600.00. I also got an iHome for my ipod… so I’m not using my computer all the time for my source of music. I also bought 4 movies. Yay for Circuit City going out of business? All I need now is a Wii and my life will feel somewhat complete… at least in my head.

The job is decent, boring, but decent and paying me so I refuse to complain much about that. School is kicking my ass, and teaching me more about time management than I could have ever imagined.

I’m in the process of kicking a real bad Upper Respiratory Infection (Yay for spending 148.00 to go to urgent care and get antibiotics! Gotta love our health system!)…. I’ve been sick for the entire week and I’m just now resuming a somewhat normal feel, although I still have quite a bit of sleepless nights due to the coughing, other than that, things are moving along quite well.

And that’s what I’ve been doing….Fascinating… I know.

And we are never, ever the same

When you cross that boarder between friendship and not, or you take a step in the wrong direction and blurt something out, you risk losing the friendship you’ve had.

I am no stranger to losing friends – nor am I the innocent party in losing said friends, but I am by no means the only one to make the friendship stop.

Though, I feel guilty, because what used to be a great friendship founded on being open and being able to talk has just become a cloud of holding things in and refusing to speak. Refusing to let things out for the fear of the truth hurting.

He used to be able to tell me anything and it didn’t bother me and now, he feels like he can’t say anything to me, because it will end in an argument. I’ve changed our friendship by falling for him, even when everything in my head said it was right to do; That is was okay to do. I've single handed-ly changed that friendship because I fell.

Clearly, it has become a trend in my life to cause these disturbances in the relationships that I hold closely to. I take offense to the things in which I should not take offense to. I get my self emotionally attached so that when things do not come out the way I would like to, I am hurt.

I would like to be able to talk to my best friends again, but clearly, I have lost that right to do so. It’s my fault for falling for one of them, and it’s my fault for getting defensive on something I should have held my tongue on with others.

And there lies my problem. I do not know when to shut up. When to take the hit and just let things go.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

The Guy who worked in the city....

He sounded great, he worked in the city for a company that did video editing for shows on Discovery channel, MTV and a few others... He also had an apartment with a rooftop with a view. So he had all the right things going on in his court...

And then.....

I went on a date with this guy, and he told me that I needed to park my sarcasm…

So, pretty much he just told me to not be me…

Needless to say, I do not talk to him anymore.

We look pretty normal, lets go back to that.

I've noticed that since I've moved when people ask me about my life before, I clench up. I don't want to delve too much information about my past so that people pre judge.

When I was interviewing people would ask me about my family and my mind would race. "Are you close with your family?" Answer: I'm close with a few siblings. "Where are your parents?" Answer: My mother is dead... To me.... My father is crazy. Of course I don't say that, I say in a chipper voice "They live in AZ, but I was mostly raised by my grandmother, who passed away last March of Pancreatic cancer, she's the reason I have this opportunity to live here and go to school." And then I'd watch as two people exchanged a look, "she's a broken person, she clearly is not capable of caring for our children." or "She doesn't have family, clearly she's not a family oriented type person."

Which is quite the opposite. The world brought me into a broken home, it set me up for failure, and yet some how, I think I've come out on top, or at least near the top, with the ability to stand up and climb to the top. I love families. I love the idea of it. I mean I have family. I have a sister and I have brothers. I have cousins, and aunts and uncles. I had friends. I had friends parents. I had a grandmother who took care of me and attempted to teach me right from wrong with the help of others. I had a family, but my family was broken, it was pieces of my family and the family of my friends. This was my family.

I'm in the process of jumping through hoops to get into a place, and everyone wants to know "What was your family life like?" It was broken, but I'm not broken, I've picked the pieces up. They may not be glued back together but I hold them neatly together as I glue pieces. My childhood, I think was happy - my brain has slowly begun to filter out things and my recollection of things has become murky. I was happy as a child, I'm sure of it, because I was oblivious to all that happened, seemingly living in my own world. And to some extent, I still live that way.

So it brings me to the topic of dating. The whole idea scares the crap out of me and up until now, never was a thought in my mind. And I want to get out of my shell, I want to stand tall for who and what I am. But I'm freaked out to be asked about my family. About my life before. What do I say when people ask? How to I appear to not be so damaged? Damaged people scare off others. But we're all damaged to some extent. Some of us more than others. But still I wonder how I am to approach the situation. How do I come off confident, strong and able? You certainly can't start the conversation with "Hi, I'm Jennie, I come from a broken home."

I dont want to wait another minute, put me out of my misery...

"It's never easy and you never know what leaves you crying and what makes you whole there ain't no way that I can hold it down falling to pieces, forever in doubt..."



and hearing people tell me "I'm better off" just makes me frustrated, because i know this, and I wish my heart and brain would align!

And I "feel like a candle in a hurricane, Just like a picture with a broken frame."

My life is broken. I've got 2 weeks to move out. I just got a job. I start school next week. My heart aches... my brain hurts. I've had a bad stomach ache for months now... And I think its all stress related...

Time after time...

Wash It All Away

Rain always made the desert come alive,
I was a dry desert waiting to be touched.
When it came, I sat motionless,
letting water drip down my face,
over my forehead and down the bridge
of my nose.
It washed away the dirt,
Down my cheek, as if mother nature
was shedding a tear for me,
its as if she's saying, "Take a break
its not as bad as you think."
My clothes sticky and wet against my chilled skin
it was the smell and taste of life.

I'm looking through you, where did you go?

My time in Tucson flew by way too quickly. It seems like just a few hours ago i was standing in the hotel in Houston cursing the airline that made me miss the last flight out to Tucson, and now here I am approaching my departure from the city of which I was born.

It was a mixed feelings visit for me. I had a great time seeing all of my friends and family. I mean great time. You really have to not be around them constantly to appreciate what they offer. And boy to I appreciate them all. Some people I wasn’t able to get together with as times were pressing, but they certainly were not forgotten.

Unfortunately, I got hit with a sever stomach virus that left me feeling immobile and defenseless. Now, having successfully purged the contents of my stomach, i can re fill it for whatever this stomach virus wants to do.... hopefully the worst has already come and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. (I know that you guys wanted to know that I was sick in such graphic detail.)

And with this trip I have a greater understanding of what I need to do to make it. I have a new found passion for working towards being happy with myself inside and out. It’s given me goals and things to look forward to.

My grandma was certainly missed this holiday season as she just loved our Christmas Eve traditions, and while it didn’t hit me that night, it did creep into my mind and wake me feeling slightly empty and sad. I know that this is only the first of many Christmas’s to come, but I hope that this is the only one that cuts as deep as it has.

Hope everyone had a great holiday and that their new year is filled with love & happiness.

"You don't look different but you have changed, I'm looking through you, you're not the same" - The Beatles

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

I’m all for naming your child whatever you want to, with in reason. Have some fucking decency before you start naming your children awkward things because you want them to stand out. While I hate my name because its very common, I’m not going to go on this weird name scheme.

I see it a lot with famous people, Gweneth Paltro named her Daughter Apple, Tom and Katie Cruise and Suri. It’d ridiculous what people name their kids because of their own fucking ego. They don’t realize the long life of hell that child has in front of them and are blinded by their own wants and desires to not take some time to think “How badly is this going to fuck my child over?”

Well, a family in NJ has topped the list of Fucked up names to give your child. When I think about naming my child in memory of someone, I want it to be a strong name, that doesn’t inflict pain on others. So, Yea, I’ll go with Adolph Hitler. Thats right, their 3-year-old son’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell, and he has siblings with equally as awkward names, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April. Aryan Nation? Seriously? You guys are awesome parents.

And, here’s the kicker, this family got pissed off because a local supermarket wouldn’t put “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” on his birthday cake. While the supermarket did say they reserved the right to not put that on their but would leave space for the family to write their own inscription this is just not tolerable to these fine upstanding citizens. They just can’t believe that this supermarket wouldn’t give this 3-year-old a cake.

You can read the article here.

But can I just say that in my personal opinion these parents have issues, and they are pushing their issues onto their children and if they truly were good parents they would think about the consequences of their actions before naming their kids names that are guaranteed to have them singled out and teased quite a bit in school. They obviously were only thinking of themselves when they named their kids, and that is what makes them TERRIBLE parents in my book. Selfish pricks.