A Poem.

I am the asshole.

I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.

I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.

I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.

I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.

I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.

I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.

I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.

Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.

20 things I've learned lately.

Within recent and non recent events I have noticed the true meaning to cause and effect. For every action, there is a reaction. As so, a single butterfly's wings fluttering could cause something outrageous to happen clear across the world. The butterfly effect.

From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.

In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.

1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.

"Save Me From The Nothing I've Become"

It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm up and ready to go... why? Because I've been sleeping entire days away.

I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.

My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.

Conversations generally go like this:

Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)

I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.

Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?

And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.

I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.

I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.

It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.

Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.

She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.

Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.

make believe, close your eyes..

You know what I hate about myself? that I actually allow myself to get my hopes up. That I allow myself to like people enough that it really bends me out of shape if I don't see them.

I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.

Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.

I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.

I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.

I'm not that girl.

I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.

So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.

"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."