make believe, close your eyes..

You know what I hate about myself? that I actually allow myself to get my hopes up. That I allow myself to like people enough that it really bends me out of shape if I don't see them.

I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.

Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.

I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.

I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.

I'm not that girl.

I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.

So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.

"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."