I was on a forum and saw that it was a confession of sorts where you write to people expressing your feelings in a more anonymous way. Of course since this is my blog, its less anonymous, but the people mentioned here, I don't think they have a recollection of this blog, so it just kinda gets it out there for me.
Dear Sis,
You think we lived the same lives but you got to live with grandma for most of your life and I was with mom for most of mine. There for we did not live the same lives. And yes, I do resent you for it.
I was tired of always being second best to you. I could never be good enough no matter what I did. And that just pissed me off because I am better than you in a lot of ways.
I wanted to reconcile and find the sister I always wanted but when you came out here when I moved, I realized the sister I always wanted, I already had, their names are Laura and Ashley. They've treated me better than you have ever with all of the ups and downs of sisterhood. Now with grandma gone, I don't know who you're going to impress. And sadly, I'm happy to have the playing field leveled because you always were the prodigal child. Now its fair game.
P.S We all know how Cinderella ends, so keep calling me Cinderella....cause that makes you the ugly step sister.
-------
Dear J,
I wish I could tell you that I loved you or how much I really do adore you. Even though you can be quite the hostile jerk, I some how get it.
I know you would think I was ridiculous, me loving you. Because after all “no girl ever would” and “eventually they all see the same things.” J, I know you've had problems with girls in your past and don't think your attractive and good enough. I think that a lot of people feel the same way. I wish you could see despite it all, you are to me.
I wish you could see and accept that.... I love you.
------
Dear Pima County Child Protective Services,
Thanks for fucking up my life.
Did you miss the fact that my Aunt and Uncle were willing to step in? Or how about the fact that my mother was supported by my grandparents? Did it ever dawn on you that the only way we even functioned was because my grandparents stepped in? Don’t you think it would have been better for us all to live with someone who could be financially responsible for us? Perhaps someone who wasn’t dependent on drugs. But no, no you left us with our fucking coke-head of a mother. She really fooled you, fucking bastards. I could have struggled less... thanks a lot.
----
Dear Mom
Thanks for nothing.
Wait, no thanks for opening your legs and deciding to bare children you would never be responsible for. I’m sure glad you got the tax credit every year, it sure fueled your need for new furniture and drugs.
I guess I was right the first time.
Thanks for nothing.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
To knowing I'm alone tonight...
I had this dream that Jess and I were in California near the coast, for part of the dream we were on the beach, looking at stuff and avoiding being attacked by birds, but then the weird part was when we hit the boardwalk and there was this 20 store hotel building on the side of it.
In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.
At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.
And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.
I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)
I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.
In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.
At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.
And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.
I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)
I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Got this ego, got my doubt, walking real slow...
So here is the update.
I’ve been by myself for the past 5 days - My aunt left for Arizona last friday and mostly I’ve just been getting myself lost in attempt to learn how to navigate the area. However, thats expensive in an Explorer. Seriously, really expensive.
I just finished up my English class for the summer and I’m looking at an A or a B, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care - I worked really hard and put a lot of effort into things for them only to be glanced at and graded without any comments as to how to make it better. If thats one thing that pisses me off it’s that. It’s showing someone your work and they saying “it’s great!” If it were great I would be a published author by now, obviously its not great, and I still have things that could be improved.
Speaking of School, I’ve registered for classes at the college that actually is in my county which means it will be cheaper. I’m taking a Biology class, Photography, English and History course this semester. And the total was 900 some odd dollars instead of the 1600.00 some odd dollars at macomb community college.
I’ve been on a funky sleeping schedule, as in - sleeping most of the day staying up all night and its really bothering me. Then I think, well it’s not like I have friends here that I could be hanging out with, so I guess the sleeping schedule is okay... I would just prefer not to be on it. I think because I am alone I have been having a hard time sleeping - I’ve always been that way, it’s my co-dependent personality.
So, thats pretty much it for me.
I do not live a fascinating life.
I’ve been by myself for the past 5 days - My aunt left for Arizona last friday and mostly I’ve just been getting myself lost in attempt to learn how to navigate the area. However, thats expensive in an Explorer. Seriously, really expensive.
I just finished up my English class for the summer and I’m looking at an A or a B, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care - I worked really hard and put a lot of effort into things for them only to be glanced at and graded without any comments as to how to make it better. If thats one thing that pisses me off it’s that. It’s showing someone your work and they saying “it’s great!” If it were great I would be a published author by now, obviously its not great, and I still have things that could be improved.
Speaking of School, I’ve registered for classes at the college that actually is in my county which means it will be cheaper. I’m taking a Biology class, Photography, English and History course this semester. And the total was 900 some odd dollars instead of the 1600.00 some odd dollars at macomb community college.
I’ve been on a funky sleeping schedule, as in - sleeping most of the day staying up all night and its really bothering me. Then I think, well it’s not like I have friends here that I could be hanging out with, so I guess the sleeping schedule is okay... I would just prefer not to be on it. I think because I am alone I have been having a hard time sleeping - I’ve always been that way, it’s my co-dependent personality.
So, thats pretty much it for me.
I do not live a fascinating life.
Same-Sex Marriage Essay....
Disclaimer: The views expressed hear are clearly mine and mine alone. It is however on a deeply sensitive subject. Read at your own risk.
It's VERY LONG
-----
In today’s society, Americans that search for same sex marriages are being prevented from roughly 1,400 legal rights that are bestowed upon married couples. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Some of these benefits include joint parenting, joint adoption, decision-making power regarding whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury them; moreover legal rights in the matter of health their partner. These rights also being denied include being unable to file federal taxes jointly and obtain the tax benefits of filing with a loved one as which happens to be the case for heterosexual marriages. By not allowing same-sex marriage the government is denying fundamental civil rights; rights that many people have fought and given their lives for..
Civil rights are defined by The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy as:
“A broad range of privileges and rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution and subsequent amendments and laws that guarantee fundamental freedoms to all individuals.”
It’s further stated
“These freedoms include the rights of free expression and action (civil liberties); the right to enter into contracts, own property, and initiate lawsuits; the rights of due process and equal protection of the laws; opportunities in education and work; the freedom to live, travel, and use public facilities wherever one chooses; and the right to participate in the democratic political system.”
Marriage is, in the legal sense, a binding contract between two people. It allows couples to have a joint say in legal matters. Currently only two states in the United States recognize gay marriages: California and Massachusetts. While California will allow residents or visitors to marry in the state, Massachusetts has only granted the right to allow residents of the state to join in matrimony.
Those who are against marriage of same genders often state that it’s not right for a church to be forced to marry a couple if they did not agree with the union of people of the same sex; claiming that same-sex couples are seeking special rights. It is however conceivable for a couple to be joined in union without involving the church. The battles for people to be married in a church will continued to be fought because churches have always had the right to refuse marriages for whatever reason they deem fit. In some cases, marriages between two races are denied. Another reason why a church can refuse to officiate a marriage is if they believe that one or both the spouses are being forced to marry.
It would not be far from the truth to say that many of our laws are dictated by what used to be considered moral and normal. People argue that the marriage between two individuals of the same sex is unnatural. However,same sex unions have been documented in history. Proof of this are records of famous lovers Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, an Egyptian couple, and the Greek couple Harmodius and Aristogiton. A tomb uncovered in 1964 in the necropolis of Saqqara at Memphis held a painting of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum which bore witness to an early case of a same-sex union.. The picture depicts two males in an embrace and on the tomb the saying, “Niankhkhnum means, " Joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to 'the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"” (Millard, par. 3.)
Furthermore in Ancient Greece, the story of the youth Harmodius and his lover, Aristogiton was developed and is a famous depiction of Greek pederasty. Pederasty refers to an erotic relationship, sexually expressed or not, between an adolescent boy and an adult male outside his immediate family. Consequently, in greek life, it was common for older greek man to have relationships with younger men but not for two men of the same age to have relationships, the latter case often frowned upon. As for Harmodius and Aristogiton, what makes them exceptional is that they both have sculptures that were commissioned by Cleisthenes, who was responsible for many changes in Athenian history.
Additional evidence of homosexual partnership is found in the study of many species of animals behavior. Not only are animals capable of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are also, according to a study by Biologist Bruce Bagelmihl, “capable of rape, divorce cannibalism, child abuse, cross-dressing," and infidelity.” He further states that “The range of behavior, from same-sex cooperating to pair bonding [a couple-like arrangement] among some animals, including Cheetahs, Bottle-nose Dolphins, and Silver Gulls, can last temporarily or a lifetime” (Harrold par 5.) This goes to show that if it can be conceivable for animals of the same sex to be joined in union, the argument that human same-sex unions are unnatural becomes less and less defensible.
It wasn’t until the rise of Christian religion that same-sex marriages began to be outlawed by Christian Roman Emperors Constantius II and Constans in 342 AD. The law stated:
“When a man marries and is about to offer himself to men in womanly fashion, what does he wish, when sex has lost all its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed to another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment” (Theodosian Code 9.8.3.)
Nevertheless, gay unions continued and were documented until the middle ages.
The dictation of law preventing same-sex marriage calls to mind the belief that marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. If this is the case, than it would make the marriage between two couples who are unable to have children, those who are too old to have children, and those who choose not to have children invalid. In the unfortunate event that two heterosexual couples are unable to produce children they have the right to adopt children. This is could be the case for same-sex individuals. Currently a homosexual single person has the right to adopt a child, yet a same-sex couple does not have equal rights regarding adopting and raising a child.
Activist argue same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. However, many psychological studies claim that it's not whether a child has both a mother and a father, but rather that a child lives in a loving family environment that is conducing to a healthy child. The differences have been the two cases have been repeatedly shown to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that aspect. Moreover, if the preferred environment to raise a child is a home with two parents, it could be argued that single parents are unfit to raise children.
For people of the same sex, asking for the right to a civil union or marriage is the right to declare and establish a loving and long-term relationship with another person. It is allowing them the ability to raise a family and adhere to ideals of a marriage as any other couple would. They are not asking not for special rights, but rather the same; to be able to have a say when it comes to the medical emergencies of a partner. They are trying to live their life as any heterosexual would in the pursuit of happiness and is that not what the constitution states as one of our inalienable rights?
As a relatively progressive Roman Catholic, my religion is against the marriage between two people of the same sex. It however, doesn’t make me any less catholic to be able to recognize the change and movement of our nation. There are many things stated in the bible that we don’t adhere to for example, in the book of Deuteronomy 22:22 it states “If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.” Further evidence is in Mark 12:18-17, “If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.” These are among several things that were held true in biblical times we don’t perceive as being acceptable in the modern world.
Before the end of the civil war it was not conceivable for people of a different race to be considered equal. This is the same cause that the homosexual community is pursuing in our time: equality. Nowadays the prospect of banning interracial marriages is absurd. In the future, hopefully this will be the same with gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered couples.
It's VERY LONG
-----
In today’s society, Americans that search for same sex marriages are being prevented from roughly 1,400 legal rights that are bestowed upon married couples. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Some of these benefits include joint parenting, joint adoption, decision-making power regarding whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury them; moreover legal rights in the matter of health their partner. These rights also being denied include being unable to file federal taxes jointly and obtain the tax benefits of filing with a loved one as which happens to be the case for heterosexual marriages. By not allowing same-sex marriage the government is denying fundamental civil rights; rights that many people have fought and given their lives for..
Civil rights are defined by The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy as:
“A broad range of privileges and rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution and subsequent amendments and laws that guarantee fundamental freedoms to all individuals.”
It’s further stated
“These freedoms include the rights of free expression and action (civil liberties); the right to enter into contracts, own property, and initiate lawsuits; the rights of due process and equal protection of the laws; opportunities in education and work; the freedom to live, travel, and use public facilities wherever one chooses; and the right to participate in the democratic political system.”
Marriage is, in the legal sense, a binding contract between two people. It allows couples to have a joint say in legal matters. Currently only two states in the United States recognize gay marriages: California and Massachusetts. While California will allow residents or visitors to marry in the state, Massachusetts has only granted the right to allow residents of the state to join in matrimony.
Those who are against marriage of same genders often state that it’s not right for a church to be forced to marry a couple if they did not agree with the union of people of the same sex; claiming that same-sex couples are seeking special rights. It is however conceivable for a couple to be joined in union without involving the church. The battles for people to be married in a church will continued to be fought because churches have always had the right to refuse marriages for whatever reason they deem fit. In some cases, marriages between two races are denied. Another reason why a church can refuse to officiate a marriage is if they believe that one or both the spouses are being forced to marry.
It would not be far from the truth to say that many of our laws are dictated by what used to be considered moral and normal. People argue that the marriage between two individuals of the same sex is unnatural. However,same sex unions have been documented in history. Proof of this are records of famous lovers Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, an Egyptian couple, and the Greek couple Harmodius and Aristogiton. A tomb uncovered in 1964 in the necropolis of Saqqara at Memphis held a painting of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum which bore witness to an early case of a same-sex union.. The picture depicts two males in an embrace and on the tomb the saying, “Niankhkhnum means, " Joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to 'the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"” (Millard, par. 3.)
Furthermore in Ancient Greece, the story of the youth Harmodius and his lover, Aristogiton was developed and is a famous depiction of Greek pederasty. Pederasty refers to an erotic relationship, sexually expressed or not, between an adolescent boy and an adult male outside his immediate family. Consequently, in greek life, it was common for older greek man to have relationships with younger men but not for two men of the same age to have relationships, the latter case often frowned upon. As for Harmodius and Aristogiton, what makes them exceptional is that they both have sculptures that were commissioned by Cleisthenes, who was responsible for many changes in Athenian history.
Additional evidence of homosexual partnership is found in the study of many species of animals behavior. Not only are animals capable of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are also, according to a study by Biologist Bruce Bagelmihl, “capable of rape, divorce cannibalism, child abuse, cross-dressing," and infidelity.” He further states that “The range of behavior, from same-sex cooperating to pair bonding [a couple-like arrangement] among some animals, including Cheetahs, Bottle-nose Dolphins, and Silver Gulls, can last temporarily or a lifetime” (Harrold par 5.) This goes to show that if it can be conceivable for animals of the same sex to be joined in union, the argument that human same-sex unions are unnatural becomes less and less defensible.
It wasn’t until the rise of Christian religion that same-sex marriages began to be outlawed by Christian Roman Emperors Constantius II and Constans in 342 AD. The law stated:
“When a man marries and is about to offer himself to men in womanly fashion, what does he wish, when sex has lost all its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed to another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment” (Theodosian Code 9.8.3.)
Nevertheless, gay unions continued and were documented until the middle ages.
The dictation of law preventing same-sex marriage calls to mind the belief that marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. If this is the case, than it would make the marriage between two couples who are unable to have children, those who are too old to have children, and those who choose not to have children invalid. In the unfortunate event that two heterosexual couples are unable to produce children they have the right to adopt children. This is could be the case for same-sex individuals. Currently a homosexual single person has the right to adopt a child, yet a same-sex couple does not have equal rights regarding adopting and raising a child.
Activist argue same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. However, many psychological studies claim that it's not whether a child has both a mother and a father, but rather that a child lives in a loving family environment that is conducing to a healthy child. The differences have been the two cases have been repeatedly shown to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that aspect. Moreover, if the preferred environment to raise a child is a home with two parents, it could be argued that single parents are unfit to raise children.
For people of the same sex, asking for the right to a civil union or marriage is the right to declare and establish a loving and long-term relationship with another person. It is allowing them the ability to raise a family and adhere to ideals of a marriage as any other couple would. They are not asking not for special rights, but rather the same; to be able to have a say when it comes to the medical emergencies of a partner. They are trying to live their life as any heterosexual would in the pursuit of happiness and is that not what the constitution states as one of our inalienable rights?
As a relatively progressive Roman Catholic, my religion is against the marriage between two people of the same sex. It however, doesn’t make me any less catholic to be able to recognize the change and movement of our nation. There are many things stated in the bible that we don’t adhere to for example, in the book of Deuteronomy 22:22 it states “If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.” Further evidence is in Mark 12:18-17, “If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.” These are among several things that were held true in biblical times we don’t perceive as being acceptable in the modern world.
Before the end of the civil war it was not conceivable for people of a different race to be considered equal. This is the same cause that the homosexual community is pursuing in our time: equality. Nowadays the prospect of banning interracial marriages is absurd. In the future, hopefully this will be the same with gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered couples.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Flooded all my Empty Space
I've been feeling rather - Emo for lack of a better word. But really its not so much Emo as it is disappointed in myself. I don't feel as pretty as I used to. And the more I thought about it, the more it came down to the fact that the few people I surrounded myself with had a way of making me feel like the most amazing person to have ever lived. And that helped me be confident in the way I looked some way.
I took advantage of that and I'm disappointed in that retrospect. Like Nora and Kat had this way of making me feel like there was no one cooler than me, and knowing that two people like them thought I was cool, some how made me feel better about being me.
Lately I haven't really liked being me, which is probably why I sleep as much as I do and avoid getting to know people too much. I'm sure that's shooting me in the foot more so.
Also, I think I've gained a lot more weight, and that scares me. But it hasn't motivated me enough to change, and that idea scares me as well. Like, If I've become this obese person, why am I not motivated to exercise? I should want to exercise and not be so fat, but I'm not. I'm just... Bleh. And I hate that. I really do. I watched my sister just randomly break out into exercising on the living room floor, the floor of my aunts office, she'd come down stairs and used the Weight machine and I think to myself, why can't I hate myself enough to want to change it the way she does? Or more so why can't I hate myself in that way to want to change it, cause I do hate myself, just not in the way my sister does.
I guess I just miss the reassurance from the friends like Kat, Nora, Michelle I, Michelle (my roommate) (when she wasn't telling me I suck as a friend of course), Brandalyn (she's awesome at making me feel cool.)
My aunt doesn't reassure me that I am awesome. I'm not saying she just picks out my flaws, but she does that too.
I really do miss my friends, they did a lot for me that looking back now I didn't realize then. Ugh. Total suckage.
I took advantage of that and I'm disappointed in that retrospect. Like Nora and Kat had this way of making me feel like there was no one cooler than me, and knowing that two people like them thought I was cool, some how made me feel better about being me.
Lately I haven't really liked being me, which is probably why I sleep as much as I do and avoid getting to know people too much. I'm sure that's shooting me in the foot more so.
Also, I think I've gained a lot more weight, and that scares me. But it hasn't motivated me enough to change, and that idea scares me as well. Like, If I've become this obese person, why am I not motivated to exercise? I should want to exercise and not be so fat, but I'm not. I'm just... Bleh. And I hate that. I really do. I watched my sister just randomly break out into exercising on the living room floor, the floor of my aunts office, she'd come down stairs and used the Weight machine and I think to myself, why can't I hate myself enough to want to change it the way she does? Or more so why can't I hate myself in that way to want to change it, cause I do hate myself, just not in the way my sister does.
I guess I just miss the reassurance from the friends like Kat, Nora, Michelle I, Michelle (my roommate) (when she wasn't telling me I suck as a friend of course), Brandalyn (she's awesome at making me feel cool.)
My aunt doesn't reassure me that I am awesome. I'm not saying she just picks out my flaws, but she does that too.
I really do miss my friends, they did a lot for me that looking back now I didn't realize then. Ugh. Total suckage.
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