My time in Tucson flew by way too quickly. It seems like just a few hours ago i was standing in the hotel in Houston cursing the airline that made me miss the last flight out to Tucson, and now here I am approaching my departure from the city of which I was born.
It was a mixed feelings visit for me. I had a great time seeing all of my friends and family. I mean great time. You really have to not be around them constantly to appreciate what they offer. And boy to I appreciate them all. Some people I wasn’t able to get together with as times were pressing, but they certainly were not forgotten.
Unfortunately, I got hit with a sever stomach virus that left me feeling immobile and defenseless. Now, having successfully purged the contents of my stomach, i can re fill it for whatever this stomach virus wants to do.... hopefully the worst has already come and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. (I know that you guys wanted to know that I was sick in such graphic detail.)
And with this trip I have a greater understanding of what I need to do to make it. I have a new found passion for working towards being happy with myself inside and out. It’s given me goals and things to look forward to.
My grandma was certainly missed this holiday season as she just loved our Christmas Eve traditions, and while it didn’t hit me that night, it did creep into my mind and wake me feeling slightly empty and sad. I know that this is only the first of many Christmas’s to come, but I hope that this is the only one that cuts as deep as it has.
Hope everyone had a great holiday and that their new year is filled with love & happiness.
"You don't look different but you have changed, I'm looking through you, you're not the same" - The Beatles
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
I’m all for naming your child whatever you want to, with in reason. Have some fucking decency before you start naming your children awkward things because you want them to stand out. While I hate my name because its very common, I’m not going to go on this weird name scheme.
I see it a lot with famous people, Gweneth Paltro named her Daughter Apple, Tom and Katie Cruise and Suri. It’d ridiculous what people name their kids because of their own fucking ego. They don’t realize the long life of hell that child has in front of them and are blinded by their own wants and desires to not take some time to think “How badly is this going to fuck my child over?”
Well, a family in NJ has topped the list of Fucked up names to give your child. When I think about naming my child in memory of someone, I want it to be a strong name, that doesn’t inflict pain on others. So, Yea, I’ll go with Adolph Hitler. Thats right, their 3-year-old son’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell, and he has siblings with equally as awkward names, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April. Aryan Nation? Seriously? You guys are awesome parents.
And, here’s the kicker, this family got pissed off because a local supermarket wouldn’t put “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” on his birthday cake. While the supermarket did say they reserved the right to not put that on their but would leave space for the family to write their own inscription this is just not tolerable to these fine upstanding citizens. They just can’t believe that this supermarket wouldn’t give this 3-year-old a cake.
You can read the article here.
But can I just say that in my personal opinion these parents have issues, and they are pushing their issues onto their children and if they truly were good parents they would think about the consequences of their actions before naming their kids names that are guaranteed to have them singled out and teased quite a bit in school. They obviously were only thinking of themselves when they named their kids, and that is what makes them TERRIBLE parents in my book. Selfish pricks.
I see it a lot with famous people, Gweneth Paltro named her Daughter Apple, Tom and Katie Cruise and Suri. It’d ridiculous what people name their kids because of their own fucking ego. They don’t realize the long life of hell that child has in front of them and are blinded by their own wants and desires to not take some time to think “How badly is this going to fuck my child over?”
Well, a family in NJ has topped the list of Fucked up names to give your child. When I think about naming my child in memory of someone, I want it to be a strong name, that doesn’t inflict pain on others. So, Yea, I’ll go with Adolph Hitler. Thats right, their 3-year-old son’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell, and he has siblings with equally as awkward names, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April. Aryan Nation? Seriously? You guys are awesome parents.
And, here’s the kicker, this family got pissed off because a local supermarket wouldn’t put “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” on his birthday cake. While the supermarket did say they reserved the right to not put that on their but would leave space for the family to write their own inscription this is just not tolerable to these fine upstanding citizens. They just can’t believe that this supermarket wouldn’t give this 3-year-old a cake.
You can read the article here.
But can I just say that in my personal opinion these parents have issues, and they are pushing their issues onto their children and if they truly were good parents they would think about the consequences of their actions before naming their kids names that are guaranteed to have them singled out and teased quite a bit in school. They obviously were only thinking of themselves when they named their kids, and that is what makes them TERRIBLE parents in my book. Selfish pricks.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell
"Soon as I hit the pavement I could see straight. The rocks in the concrete made a beautiful shape. A voice out of nowhere lit a match in the dark and the blood on my face kind of looked like a heart."
I can’t help but think I’ve fucked up in the past few years with the choices I’ve made. They always seem like the smart idea at the time. But then it seems that later on I discover that the choices I made were stupid.
I feel like every choice I’ve ever mad was a stupid one. Just another step in being the fuck up that I tend to be. And I don’t want to feel like that and I have been trying to get out of it.
The problems that have come up lately, are really making me on edge. I don’t feel comfortable in the place that I live in that I know that people would prefer if I wasn’t here. Its not something they have outwardly expressed to me, but rather this very cold vibe that I have been getting.
I wasn’t supposed to even be here this long it was really supposed to be a jumping off point for me but it turned into a sit and fumble around point. Since I got laid off, things have really come to a halt. I thought I was getting somewhere and I was really excited because I was looking for my own place, and now I’m back at square one.
Looking back If I hadn’t moved to NJ, realistically, I would still have a solid good job at a company that I adored. But I moved here hoping I would find the same type of place here. A place that made me feel good when I woke up and went to work. Sure I had my crap days, but for the most part, I didn’t mind going to work. I looked forward to it because it harnessed my skills well. It gave me the opportunity to grow and see the potential I truly had instead of leaving me feeling awkward and fumbling.
But I left that behind for an adventure. For opportunity, and I have had a lot of opportunity. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all that has been given up for me to make the move here. The space that has been invaded, the time given to help me. The great deal on a car that I got. I would never really have had that had I not made the decision to move. So, no not everything sucks. But the parts that seem to matter in my moving forward and being able to stay afloat sure have knocked me off my feet.
I’m trying to remain positive, but I can’t help but think that perhaps I shot myself in the foot. I can’t move back because I risk the fall and the cowardly tail between my legs syndrome from all those who said I wouldn’t make it. I can make it, I know I can.... I just don’t feel like I can stay here either.
Its a tough situation and I’m really trying to find the comfort that I need, but I seem to have closed up quite a bit in the past month. I’ve started to only show 1/3 of what’s truly there. Which is not a good thing, but its all I feel I can do right now. I don’t have the strength to fight about it, to talk about it, I don’t have the heart to feel the pain that I’ve felt most recently for being me.
Make a list of Pro’s and Cons...
Tucson
Pro - Friends, Family, knowing, a job
Con - Its boring, its hot, its known, not diversified.
Jersey
Pro - NYC, East Coast, Colleges, Independence, Travel opportunity.
Cons - Feeling helpless, jobless, Lack of Family, Lack of a lot of friends.
The Pro’s are in the favor of New Jersey, but the problem is I need funds to see those pro’s through and being without a job leaves me feeling helpless.
And you know, its not just the job. I feel pretty alone, even though I live with two people. I feel pretty lost, even though there’s a clear path before me.
I feel my faith in myself slowly fading.....
“I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell. Anywhere that I could be, Love is going to get to me.”
I can’t help but think I’ve fucked up in the past few years with the choices I’ve made. They always seem like the smart idea at the time. But then it seems that later on I discover that the choices I made were stupid.
I feel like every choice I’ve ever mad was a stupid one. Just another step in being the fuck up that I tend to be. And I don’t want to feel like that and I have been trying to get out of it.
The problems that have come up lately, are really making me on edge. I don’t feel comfortable in the place that I live in that I know that people would prefer if I wasn’t here. Its not something they have outwardly expressed to me, but rather this very cold vibe that I have been getting.
I wasn’t supposed to even be here this long it was really supposed to be a jumping off point for me but it turned into a sit and fumble around point. Since I got laid off, things have really come to a halt. I thought I was getting somewhere and I was really excited because I was looking for my own place, and now I’m back at square one.
Looking back If I hadn’t moved to NJ, realistically, I would still have a solid good job at a company that I adored. But I moved here hoping I would find the same type of place here. A place that made me feel good when I woke up and went to work. Sure I had my crap days, but for the most part, I didn’t mind going to work. I looked forward to it because it harnessed my skills well. It gave me the opportunity to grow and see the potential I truly had instead of leaving me feeling awkward and fumbling.
But I left that behind for an adventure. For opportunity, and I have had a lot of opportunity. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all that has been given up for me to make the move here. The space that has been invaded, the time given to help me. The great deal on a car that I got. I would never really have had that had I not made the decision to move. So, no not everything sucks. But the parts that seem to matter in my moving forward and being able to stay afloat sure have knocked me off my feet.
I’m trying to remain positive, but I can’t help but think that perhaps I shot myself in the foot. I can’t move back because I risk the fall and the cowardly tail between my legs syndrome from all those who said I wouldn’t make it. I can make it, I know I can.... I just don’t feel like I can stay here either.
Its a tough situation and I’m really trying to find the comfort that I need, but I seem to have closed up quite a bit in the past month. I’ve started to only show 1/3 of what’s truly there. Which is not a good thing, but its all I feel I can do right now. I don’t have the strength to fight about it, to talk about it, I don’t have the heart to feel the pain that I’ve felt most recently for being me.
Make a list of Pro’s and Cons...
Tucson
Pro - Friends, Family, knowing, a job
Con - Its boring, its hot, its known, not diversified.
Jersey
Pro - NYC, East Coast, Colleges, Independence, Travel opportunity.
Cons - Feeling helpless, jobless, Lack of Family, Lack of a lot of friends.
The Pro’s are in the favor of New Jersey, but the problem is I need funds to see those pro’s through and being without a job leaves me feeling helpless.
And you know, its not just the job. I feel pretty alone, even though I live with two people. I feel pretty lost, even though there’s a clear path before me.
I feel my faith in myself slowly fading.....
“I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell. Anywhere that I could be, Love is going to get to me.”
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