I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell

"Soon as I hit the pavement I could see straight. The rocks in the concrete made a beautiful shape. A voice out of nowhere lit a match in the dark and the blood on my face kind of looked like a heart."

I can’t help but think I’ve fucked up in the past few years with the choices I’ve made. They always seem like the smart idea at the time. But then it seems that later on I discover that the choices I made were stupid.

I feel like every choice I’ve ever mad was a stupid one. Just another step in being the fuck up that I tend to be. And I don’t want to feel like that and I have been trying to get out of it.

The problems that have come up lately, are really making me on edge. I don’t feel comfortable in the place that I live in that I know that people would prefer if I wasn’t here. Its not something they have outwardly expressed to me, but rather this very cold vibe that I have been getting.

I wasn’t supposed to even be here this long it was really supposed to be a jumping off point for me but it turned into a sit and fumble around point. Since I got laid off, things have really come to a halt. I thought I was getting somewhere and I was really excited because I was looking for my own place, and now I’m back at square one.

Looking back If I hadn’t moved to NJ, realistically, I would still have a solid good job at a company that I adored. But I moved here hoping I would find the same type of place here. A place that made me feel good when I woke up and went to work. Sure I had my crap days, but for the most part, I didn’t mind going to work. I looked forward to it because it harnessed my skills well. It gave me the opportunity to grow and see the potential I truly had instead of leaving me feeling awkward and fumbling.

But I left that behind for an adventure. For opportunity, and I have had a lot of opportunity. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all that has been given up for me to make the move here. The space that has been invaded, the time given to help me. The great deal on a car that I got. I would never really have had that had I not made the decision to move. So, no not everything sucks. But the parts that seem to matter in my moving forward and being able to stay afloat sure have knocked me off my feet.

I’m trying to remain positive, but I can’t help but think that perhaps I shot myself in the foot. I can’t move back because I risk the fall and the cowardly tail between my legs syndrome from all those who said I wouldn’t make it. I can make it, I know I can.... I just don’t feel like I can stay here either.

Its a tough situation and I’m really trying to find the comfort that I need, but I seem to have closed up quite a bit in the past month. I’ve started to only show 1/3 of what’s truly there. Which is not a good thing, but its all I feel I can do right now. I don’t have the strength to fight about it, to talk about it, I don’t have the heart to feel the pain that I’ve felt most recently for being me.

Make a list of Pro’s and Cons...


Tucson
Pro - Friends, Family, knowing, a job
Con - Its boring, its hot, its known, not diversified.

Jersey
Pro - NYC, East Coast, Colleges, Independence, Travel opportunity.
Cons - Feeling helpless, jobless, Lack of Family, Lack of a lot of friends.

The Pro’s are in the favor of New Jersey, but the problem is I need funds to see those pro’s through and being without a job leaves me feeling helpless.

And you know, its not just the job. I feel pretty alone, even though I live with two people. I feel pretty lost, even though there’s a clear path before me.

I feel my faith in myself slowly fading.....

“I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell. Anywhere that I could be, Love is going to get to me.”