It’s been an exceptionally lonely week for me. And while some people were around a little and at times I was surrounded by a lot of people. I’m still feeling this overwhelming loss and loneliness. And for all purposes, with everything going on in my life I should be okay, if not happy.
I’m not broke nor am I struggling to survive, I’m thriving in an environment that was supposed to beat me. And at one point it did. New Jersey’s harshness has shown very little in the way of comfort or help in the attempts to pull myself from the shambles that I have created for myself. The “You’ll never make it” and the “you are a failure” statements have rung exceptionally loud in my ears from my lowest moments and even in my highest. I’m standing on top of this peek and I’m looking out upon this massive world waiting to be invaded and experienced.
I’m struggling only to breathe. Almost a year ago and I’m still struggling to find peace with myself to forgive myself and I can’t seem to do it. I ignored her calls and persistently had disregard to her needs. When she needed me the most, I collapsed under my own selfishness and inability to be strong. I know that I cannot blame myself for the cancer that took her, but I can’t help but take some responsibility for how quickly she went. I was anything but perfect in her eyes, I was a one-girl train wreck that was speeding down wrong track after wrong track, but I was attempting to find the right one with all the experiences I had. And time and time again after I would fall, she would pick me up and try and straighten me out. She tried what she knew how to do and I learned my lessons from tough love. I may have come out with a few scars and insecurities, but I’m still standing here today.
I fight each day for her. To prove that I can do it and so that in the end I can say that she is one of the people who is responsible for what I have become today. So that I can look back on my troubled past and know that I’ve fought hard to be where I am. But I’m having a rough time fighting this loneliness.
1 comment:
You need to forgive yourself, for everything. And let go of the blame you needlessly throw upon yourself. It's just an excuse, and why should you be excused from greatness, from success, from loving, living and breathing life? Inhale, and let it go... the world will come to you, I promise.
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