I brought home the smell of Happiness in a bag...

And time for an update…

I’ve officially been back at my own house now for about 2 and a half hours. And I’ve done pretty much nothing other than take a cold shower and throw some clothes in the washer.

I didn’t realize how exhausting flying can be. My body is done, even if I did spend most of the day asleep. I was just catching up from the lack of sleep I got the day I flew home.

So that being said, right before I left for my trip out to Arizona I got these sharp pains in my upper abdomen right below my right breast. The pains lasted for almost 4 hours and I left work early. As I was driving home the pains subsided but since I had insurance I thought it would be smarter if I actually used the insurance.

So I went to the doctor and then I was told to get an ultrasound of the problematic area so I did that the day before I flew out and they told me they would call me with the results. Twenty minutes after landing in Arizona I get a phone call from the doctor, apparently I have gallstones of which I have to see a specialist about and I also have a fatty liver, of which, the doctor didn’t say much in regards to it. Great.

So now that I’m back in town I’ll go pick up my referral and then schedule an appointment with a gallbladder specialist, but I have no idea when I’ll be able to even go pick up the referral… We’ll see.

So that’s the health issues I face. On a good note, I received word from the community college that I have gotten a pell grant and some state aid totally in a little under 5000.00 for the semester which should be perfect to pay for full time classes and books leaving a little extra for living expenses and what not. I need to take school serious so I have a plan in development where I will work through the summer at my current job saving up and then in September when school starts I’m going to look for a part time job and then quit my current job. I’ve got to get school out of the way so that I can start my life… So hopefully I can do this. We shall see.

I'm a gallery of broken hearts, Know that maybe I will be okay...

Sometimes I sit and think of how insecure I must be to allow these people who while, have helped me out in some tough situations, tend to treat me like crap. I’m not trying to play the victim card because I am by no means innocent at all, I know I can be quite the fuck up, but my intentions are generally good I think.

I’ve been extraordinarily picky about who I bring into my circle this time around and I think that has left me pretty friendless.

I don’t have the same kinds of friends that I used to have. The ones that want to hang out a lot, or just chill. I have friends with busy lives who have more to do than they can handle and I just feel like a this extra (a lot of extra) weight that they have to carry around as to not watch me sink into this horrible depression.

But then I think, Damn it, I deserve attention. I deserve to be treated with some respect. To be more than just Jennie, but someone who is interesting and has things to say. But with some people, there are only certain things that can be said and a door has been closed.

I miss being able to talk freely without quilt consuming me. It’s not all my fault I feel guilty, but it certainly isn’t all of the other peoples faults either. Things will be better when I learn how to stop feeling…

Other than being extremely upset with myself things are progressing along smoothly. I still continue to hate my job, but my first semester in college has ended and I think I came out somewhat on top.

I’m getting ready for a trip back to Arizona, where for a brief shining moment I will have friends that just want to hang out with me but I’m sure once I return I will feel this lump of emptiness burning within me.

I just needed to whine/vent etc…

I’m fine, just a few bumps and frustrations.