Sometimes I sit and think of how insecure I must be to allow these people who while, have helped me out in some tough situations, tend to treat me like crap. I’m not trying to play the victim card because I am by no means innocent at all, I know I can be quite the fuck up, but my intentions are generally good I think.
I’ve been extraordinarily picky about who I bring into my circle this time around and I think that has left me pretty friendless.
I don’t have the same kinds of friends that I used to have. The ones that want to hang out a lot, or just chill. I have friends with busy lives who have more to do than they can handle and I just feel like a this extra (a lot of extra) weight that they have to carry around as to not watch me sink into this horrible depression.
But then I think, Damn it, I deserve attention. I deserve to be treated with some respect. To be more than just Jennie, but someone who is interesting and has things to say. But with some people, there are only certain things that can be said and a door has been closed.
I miss being able to talk freely without quilt consuming me. It’s not all my fault I feel guilty, but it certainly isn’t all of the other peoples faults either. Things will be better when I learn how to stop feeling…
Other than being extremely upset with myself things are progressing along smoothly. I still continue to hate my job, but my first semester in college has ended and I think I came out somewhat on top.
I’m getting ready for a trip back to Arizona, where for a brief shining moment I will have friends that just want to hang out with me but I’m sure once I return I will feel this lump of emptiness burning within me.
I just needed to whine/vent etc…
I’m fine, just a few bumps and frustrations.
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