It’s pretty late and the agenda for tomorrow keeps running through my brain wake up, class, drive Emily to work, come home and sleep, pick Emily up from work and bring her home, go to class again, go to work. And then Friday’s schedule is already running through my brain. It seems that my life has boiled down to schedules and what I have to do and when. Fitting in time for me to just decompose doesn’t seem to be part of the plan.
I walked around zombie-like Tuesday, my eyes puffy from the night of tears and frustration. I had fallen into a coma of self-doubt and hate. And while things have improved, the general feeling is still the same. Perhaps this is what happens when one nears a new age that comes as a milestone. I will be 25 in just a couple of days and I feel as if I have gone now where with my life. I watch all of my friends married about to have kids or already have kids. Some are buying houses and holding down their forts. I’m roughly at the stage in life where most 19-year-olds are beginning their path to self-discovery. I think I’ve already taken that path of “self-discovery” and I’m still on it, and will continue to be on it until I die probably. Most of my classes are filled with late teens and early twenty-year-olds who live with their parents and have experienced very little of real life. I find myself increasingly bitter towards these college hopefuls.
But really, lets get down to the real problem here. I pretty much dislike everything about me. I don’t find myself to be a good person at all. I seem to fuck up more than I create. I’m inherently selfish. Those around me are more stressed out by my presence than they welcome it and through their words and actions lead me to believe that they would be better if I weren’t around. My insecurities get the best of me and the basic things I lacked growing up are biting me in the ass now. I’m easily offended and quick to anger, and you can blame the Irish blood for the anger but we all know that my strong German genetics give way to one sour kraut at times.
I find myself constantly backed into a corner because I have a mind and am not afraid to express when I think someone is being a jack ass, but often after several rounds of agreement from those around me, few are willing to stand when I stand and thus I remain a loner. And when I do stand up and have something to say I’m only being a jackass for having something to say. I’m inconsiderate and unwilling to back down in the heat of the moment. For lack of better words, I lack certain communication skills in my own need to stand out. My family was one of the shout to be heard types and the meek would be crushed. I learned this very early on and decided to speak out and speak up. But these are not commended attributes, but more so scorned, hated and undesirable, unless of course I was 5’8 with a 32-inch waist. In my overweight appearance what I have is “fat girl” bitterness.
So maybe my family was right when they told me I was a bitch. Or perhaps my grandmother was correct in predicting I would never amount to anything just like my mother. And just maybe this fight to be more is all a waste of time. I’m finding it hard to enjoy life and those around me. Psychologically, I’m a complete mess. But my heart doesn’t believe in the idea of paying someone to listen to me hash out my problems. And even so, any attempt that I have had to talk and get things out, I’ve only had these problems and confessions then thrown back into my face. My trust factor is about as low as my self esteem. I’ve become a shell of a human being, just waiting for the time when my number is called and I can be free of the hate, anger and despair.
But then, maybe I should just stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I should just get over it. After all, Is that not what you’re supposed to do? Because I’m sure there are people with more problems than I’m facing that keep walking each day head held high. If I didn’t have a schedule or obligations, I think I might pass my days in sleep.
Or maybe I don't feel I deserve to be happy.
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