But it also heals your soul...

“When the morning came I was up before first light…”

I woke up unusually early for myself this morning. Like a good student the night before my first day of class I attempted to get to sleep earlier than I usually do and I was in bed and asleep before midnight. This is actually a pretty good feat for me as my night owl habits often have me up into the wee hours of the morning.

“My heartbeat started pounding a rhythm in my brain, a voice from deep inside said you’ve gotta be insane…”

I’ve found myself lately really clinging to the lyrics of a song. I learned as a musician it’s often the melody and the music behind a song that really make it a song. As a writer I look at that as more of a supporting actor type role, unless you’re going entirely instrumental, in which case it definitely has a starring role. For the most part, it’s the supporting actor; at least in my plays.

“A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magic.” – Music and Lyrics quote.

So what is the point of all this rambling on and on about music and lyrics and sleeping or not. It has to do with the influence that music has had on me to be happy. To go to work each day and see it as a good thing rather than something I don’t want to do. I’ve found that the more positive I am about the day, the better day I have with the kids. I want to use this motto in everything that I do so that when I do find myself slipping down the backwards slope into a depression, I can look and see how it really is.

“I don’t want to turn me into something that I’m not, keep me close in mind and body you are all I’ve got.”

In my self-discovery I have found myself to be harboring a bit of rage and anger. And by a bit, I mean an unusual amount. In this anger I also find myself wanting to bite back, and bite back hard to those who have misused me in the past and those who are still doing so now. Instead of just letting these feelings roll into the “suppressed feelings” jar I keep in the back of my mind, I’m finding that these feelings want to spring forth, that perhaps the jar is now full and is now seeping out, it’s demon springing forth ready for revenge.

“And when it rains on this side of town it touches everything. Just say it again and mean it we don't miss a thing. You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole and convinced yourself that it's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore…”

The way my brain works is there will be a trigger, something said, something realized, something heard. And from that it melts into something so warped and nothing as it was when it began. A domino effect where I can “convince myself I don’t see the sun anymore.” And I will find myself at the bottom of a blackest hole. I have found myself at the bottom of that hole more times than I would like to count and I have seen the effects it has had on the people around me, and I think that makes for some good news.

“Open me up and you will see, I'm a gallery of broken hearts, I'm beyond repair, let me be and give me back my broken parts… I just want to be okay..”

So maybe in my attempts to realize, rationalize and grow I need to learn to forgive? I know that it’s not easy to forget especially for someone like me, but perhaps I can work on forgiveness.

“Sometimes mature just means over my head and I don’t really know what I’m saying”

And that is where my writing and music are going to be more important in this healing process. I’m using my writing to flush myself of these negative thoughts and emotions. I’m using it to remind myself of the positive things in my life to see things in the “rose colored” glasses again. And the music to remind me how good “sex” can be, most importantly to know the story behind myself, to relate on that level. To dissect who I am underneath and find ways to explain myself.

“I wanna feel a car crash, cause I’m dying on the inside. I wanna let go and know that I’ll be all right, Alright. Push me till I have to fly, I shed my skin, my scars. Take me deep out past these lights, where nothing dims these stars…I’m wide awake and so alive…”