All the right friends in all the wrong places

“I know we've got it good but they got it made and the grass is getting greener each day I know things are looking up but soon they'll take us down, before anybody knows our name.”

I’ve been listening to “All the Right Moves” by OneRepublic quite a bit lately. It seems to encompass my feelings. “All the right friends, in all the wrong places..” all my “right” friends are In Arizona, and I want them here.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve let people down by moving across the country. I guess what I really do is fill myself into this important person. Perhaps I just want to be more important than I am, so I feel like I’ve let people down.

Part of it is because I feel like I’m missing out on so much. One of my best friends got engaged, I wasn’t there to share in her excitement and from my distance, I didn’t even share in it anyway. I was bitter and harsh towards her, instead of supportive and excited. As if I am any better? Sometimes I just need to remind myself, knock myself down a few levels. I get big headed as a defense mechanism. It’s part of how I survive every blow that comes my way. It’s how I bounce back.

I feel like by moving away, I’ve exiled myself – I’ve become that long distance relationship that becomes hard to manage. Perhaps if I was there I could better understand situations. I could support my friends. In all I guess I miss that importance too.

For a while I had a pretty tight support system, and I had people who actually flocked to me. I wasn’t the needy one, but rather the sought out. – But this isn’t a feel sorry for me thing, but rather a heads up to those I’ve hurt in the past few years in attempt to actualize and realize my dreams.

It’s interesting to me to think I am where I am. In a few short days I will have lasted 2 rough years in New Jersey. I’ve managed to maintain a 3.0+ GPA and I’ve had a handful of incredible people leave wonderful footprints on my heart. And yet, a good portion of the time I just end up feeling lonely.

It’s hard for me to choose this educational success that I know in Arizona I would not have had – I’d have given in to too many temptations and not given my education the proper focus it should be getting – and the personal satisfaction of being there with my friends.

Shit, what am I rambling about anyway? The truth is that it’s hard for people to measure up to the standards set by my Arizona friends.

“Do you think I'm special? Do you think I'm nice? Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces? Between the noise you hear and the sound you like. Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?”

No one seems bright enough to shine in their spaces.

So yeah, we’re going down.

There's such a fooled heart beating so fast in search of new dreams..

This whole birthday rapidly approaching begs the question, when is it okay for your biological clock to be ticking? I mean what is it that makes me feel like, yeah, I want a child. Logically, my brain says, “No fucking way” but everything else is saying “Do it.” Quit literally.

I’m lucky I’m going with logic on this one, as normally I tend to follow my emotionally unstable side. But it makes me wonder, why now? Why am I suddenly feeling the urge to procreate? I’m in a stable relationship, but I’m not married. And against my Catholic upbringing, I don’t think I need to be married anyway – I think there are plenty of emotionally healthy and happy children raised by unmarried people.

Calm down, I said I wasn’t running into having a child! I’m just saying it’s been pretty heavily on my mind. Perhaps it because the lady in my office is pregnant with twin girls and my uterus is jealous? Or maybe because my friend Meg is going to be induced today? Or the fact that my friend from school keeps posting pictures of her nephews? I’m surrounded by babies! What I do know is that I could be an awesome mom, fair, just, and able to provide plenty of love.

Food for thought.

Speaking of food, I’m hungry.

Tonight's the night, let's live it up

So I know yesterday’s entry was a bit intense. I contemplated doing a more light and airy approach to the DC adventures, but it wouldn’t do the emotions I felt justice.

Speaking of going to DC,(which Emily and I always call “Let’s go to Delaware,” because of the one time we had intended to drive to the Delaware boarder but ended up in Virginia.) People always ask us WHY we do these things. “Why are you in DC?” or “Why are you in Brooklyn?”

My response? Because I can.

The story behind it “Let’s go to Delaware!” is this:

Emily and I have a habit of getting up and driving somewhere “because we can.” I mean, neither of us have children or major responsibilities that would prevent us from using our down time to travel the area around New Jersey, so we take advantage of it. Usually it is during some major weather thing happening (read: Snow storm, torrential down pour etc.)

On this specific night (around 5PM) it was raining and we were sitting around watching TV and stumbling around on our laptops, I turned to her and said “we should drive to Delaware, right now.” She looked at me, shrugged and asked if she needed to put on pants. I told her she didn’t.

But she was smart.

We get to Delaware; I can tell you that it took 3 songs to drive through it before I saw a sign welcoming me to Maryland. Moments later, I saw a sign that said DC 56 miles. That’s when the idea hit me. My friend Wendy from Tucson had moved their recently to live with her parents. She was a night person, she would be up.) I made the call.

Me: What are you doing with your life?
Wendy: Laying on the couch why?
Me: I’m in Maryland, let’s get coffee.
Wendy: What? Okay.

Wendy lives about 15 minutes outside of DC in Falls Church, VA – We drove to her house, picked her up and then skipped the coffee for a Nighttime Tour of DC.

P.S That is the best time to see DC, there’s nobody around!

This is a regular occurrence for Emily and I. We’re constantly going somewhere because we can. Midnight excursions into Connecticut to get wings and beer, or to Union Beach, NJ to have a snowball fight on the beach (can you say you’ve done that? I have. It was fantastic.) We’ve made trips to New York City, and just recently long Island late at night. Though, all of our adventures don’t happen at night…most of them do. We’ve even trapeze through the biggest snow storm of the year in my 2001 Eclipse. Yes, we did get stuck. Yes we did get out without TOO much hassle. Yes, we are stupid sometimes.

Even though some adventures are tragic (being towed off the New Jersey Turnpike, costing me 250.00) they’re all worth it in the end. I’m experiencing more that I would have ever thought I could. I’m living my life as if today was my last day.

Because I can.

You made a place for the innocents, a prayer for the dissidents.

Everyday I wake up (usually warm) in my bed, beneath blankets and sheets I picked out. They’re soft and they’re comfy. They are not rough against my face. My bathroom is a few footsteps from my door. In there I have a washer, a dryer, a warm shower a toilet and a sink. I live in a fairly decent sized house and have the ability to come and go as I please.

Everyday I take for granted the things that come so natural to me. The things I have and the ability to live the way I choose to.

It makes me think of the Iranian women Neda, who died during peaceful protests against the 2009 Iranian presidential election. She was shot by supporters of the election and denied justice by the Iranian government. Many people involved with supporting Neda and the justice that needs to be brought on by hear death have fled the country for fear of Governmental action against them.

Its so easy to take for granted the simple liberties we have, the ability to protest against something we think is wrong, the ability to think, feel and do as we want.

The first weekend in August, I celebrated my new job by taking a trip to DC to visit my friend Wendy. It was an extremely fun and humbling experience. Over the course of the weekend I was re-invited to feel the effects of war on our country when I made the trip to the American History Museum in the Smithsonian. Re-educated on the wars we fought to maintain the liberty we have today. Re-invited to feel the emotions when a little boy innocently asked his mother if “the both of those buildings fell down completely,” as I stood in front of two support beams from the Twin Towers.

But nothing could prepare me for the feeling that crept its way over me when I stood in front of the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. A place that, forgive my ignorance but I knew nothing about. “What’s that?” I had to ask Wendy and Emily.

They explained to me that it was a memorial dedicated to the soldiers that fought our wars and came back unknown because they could not be identified. Every day this tomb was guarded by men in service, and every ½-2hours (Depending on season/time of day) the guards were changed and there was a ceremonial changing of the guards.

The tomb reads “Here rest in honored glory an American Soldier known but to God.” The power behind these words moved me in a way that’s almost too hard to describe. As I read them I felt a chill rush over me. It’s one thing to fight and die for our country, to be recognized by our country as hero, but then you think of all of those men who fought and died unknown. This was a tribute to them.

Before the changing of the guards took place we were instructed to stand and be silent. I couldn’t be anything else. I felt my mind push back and the view I saw was not that of a 25-year-old girl who never lost anyone close in war, but rather that of a girl who lost everyone in a war. I felt the heartache of the mothers who’s sons were never found, who’s bodies lie somewhere beneath earth unmarked and unknown. For a moment I felt the loss of my husband. I silently mourned the loss of all the people killed in a war, in a terrorist act, a homicide, or an accident. And then I straightened up and felt honored and I saluted the men who fight everyday to make sure that I can wake up each morning, and write a blog from the desk of my work as I sip my coffee and eat a piece of candy.

“I never thought the world could be so small…”

That's all right cause I love the way it hurts...

I had to say goodbye to my ever so awesome part time gig as a professional pirate and colorist(?) to become part of the grown up world again. I was sad to see this happen and slightly miffed at how easily the oldest boy dismissed me. In my awkward adult skin, I felt pretty rejected. “I thought you had a job?” He said to me during my last week with him on a daily basis and then added, “I didn’t want you to come today.”

I’m used to him saying these things to me, because he does. Then seconds later he is wrapping his arms around me, nuzzling his face into my stomach or shoulder. “I want to hug you,” he’ll say. The dismissal by him cut a little deeper than it probably should have, but the imprint is there nonetheless. I’ll be seeing the wonder duo again, on a weekly basis – at least that’s the plan.

I began a full-time job today for an eye-wear distributor of sorts. It seems like it will be a great fit for me. My main responsibilities will be…whatever needs to be done. I’m more or less a gopher girl for two separate people in the office; my skills and talents will be split between the two to make sure things get processed. But thus far, I like it. I enjoy the owners who are not pretentious in the least bit and the atmosphere makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I’m very optimistic about this new beginning.