Why did I let people change who I was? Why did I let someone else’s thoughts of how I should be persuading to make adjustments?
First in New Jersey there was the relationship that never actually was. I allowed his negative talk and view of the world around him to scare me into the house. I stopped wanting to be in public, I stopped wanting to be the center of attention. I stopped participating in conversations. I stopped getting out of the car to view and see things. I stopped being me.
And then there was Daniel. And he was afraid to be in public with me. Afraid because he was not secure in himself that being seen with a fat chick was scary for him. He made his excuses and said I was wrong, but his actions then and now speak volumes on how he really felt. He was fine with me as long as it wasn’t a show. He was fine with me as long as it was in the basement or behind closed doors.
And so now, I’m introverted. The girl who midway through high school came out of her shell and used to be the class clown. The girl who could spit fire at anyone who doubted her. The girl who random people came up to in public places and said “aren’t you So-an-so, I read that article you wrote, it was amazing.” I was a voice. I was something.
And now, I hide in my house. I hide in the back of classes.(except British Lit, because he gives me a nerd boner)
I’m only myself at work, in a small office of people with learning and physical disabilities. The moment I walk out of there, I’m in my shell.
How did this happen? How did my strong-tongue-spit-fire-self let others dictate how I would feel. How did I let the illusions of their interest in me blind side me? I suppose when you live the life I have with the abandonment I’ve had… You develop this need for love.
You crave any type of attention and need it so much that you don’t realize when it’s just a visage.
Seriously? How did I become that STUPID girl?
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