It's a foot in your face or its looking like rain...

It’s true that you never truly understand loneliness until the night seems to creep in. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty detached form society. Again, I find comfort in the warmth, darkness and solitary feeling of my room.

I have a lot of speculations on why I’ve been feeling them, most of them just seem to be the same regular demons that manage to creep their way into my mind. But I’ve noted that I’ve become accustom to certain people being around, being a constant that when they’re no longer a constant I start to feel detached. And then the demons really crawl in. As a pretty self-sufficient lady, it kills me to feel this type of dependency on another person, but then you grow used to them being there.

“Get used to a feeling, used to a friend, start taking for granted the sight and the scent. One day it’s over alone in your skin, how do you begin again?” – Ryanhood (Used To)

It’s always hard for me to make connections with people because I’m so guarded that it’s definitely a process to get past, and the rejection I feel once I do let those guard down and am easily dismissed seems to mess with me more than I care to admit. I suppose that’s the reality, people come and go there isn’t always a constant. We all want a constant though, don’t we?

“There's a look in your eye like you can't even cry, so you sigh.” – Ryanhood (Used To)

Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear

In an act of my teenage angst still boiling within my veins I dyed parts of my hair red and headed off to New York City/New Jersey for a bit of an escape from my real life. My real life which is boring and every day lends itself to the same thing. Wake up, class or work, eat, rinse repeat. I have to argue is this all there is to life? Is it just these mundane appointments to be kept? I can’t seem to fit into this life happily. I don’t like the continuous monotony of my life. I never have. I want adventure constantly, if I’m not going 180 mph I feel as though I am at a standstill.

My trip was amazing and full of old and new friends. It was relaxing but I also felt needed and wanted. New Jersey is a place where I feel home. Amongst millions of people (who are probably judging me,) I feel home. Maybe it’s because I have friends there or maybe it’s because I can find peace in the quite glowing lights of the New York City skyline. I feel the rush of endorphins pumping through me and everything goes at the pace I like to keep. So why did I leave it? I left it because I couldn’t afford the addiction, the rush. I couldn’t afford the lifestyle if I wanted the education, but I miss every moment away. And then I am home and I come to a standstill.

When I’m at a standstill I seem to sink. I start this process in which I regret everything and anything. Then I start to feel like I’m getting nowhere. I feel like all my efforts are for nothing and I find myself wanting to give up.

And then the sleep comes. It pains me to get out of bed and I’ll spend days wrapped in the silence of my room. It is better to feel the warmth of the covers encasing me and protecting me from the realities of life. Realities that say I’m not progressing but regressing. It’s a terrible place to be when you know that this moment will pass but you can’t do anything to will it forward. Depression is an ugly thing that only sucks me down.

I’m working hard to be happier and I am arguably happier. There are a lot of positives in my life and I keep pressing forward, but sometimes, the monsters inside your head seep in and you don’t get a choice. There isn’t anything anyone can do to help push me through these phases either, they just hit me and I sink. I forget my responsibilities, I hide. Life doesn’t allow these moments. You can’t break down and avoid life. You can’t forgo those responsibilities. The classes, the homework and midterms, they’re still there. Your responsibilities knock impatiently at your door demanding to be complete.

Nevertheless it’s so easy to turn the lights off and shut the door. The anxiety leaves me as I drift off into dreamless sleep. And the monsters are at bay if only for an instant.

“Settle down, it'll all be clear don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down if you get lost, you can always be found…”