Burning midnight oil... and feelings.

I have to remind myself constantly. Don’t think. Don’t stop even for a moment to realize where you are. Don’t think. Ever.

It seems ridiculous that as a writer, a student and a teacher I would even say those words, but I say them, and I live by them. Do not think. For thinking gets me in trouble. Thinking drops my mood. Thinking makes me angry and sad and on the verge of tears. It’s quite silly that my brain even allows these things to happen. Even though I know the countless arguments against what torments me, I can’t think.

Tonight I got caught in my own loneliness. I realize that it’s been a year since I’ve really fallen asleep with a guy and I realized that I’m tired of that. I can’t really change it, can’t force someone to want to be with me, but it doesn’t help that when I fall into my own traps, I start finding all of my flaws. I pick out these reasons that a guy wouldn’t want me, they’re all stupid of course. But they’re all real reasons. Arguments against my fat are usually at the top of the list. It’s hard to be comfortable with your own self, that being comfortable with those with you. People don’t need more reasons for people to stare do they?

It’s not just that, I find that my neediness and ability to go from high to low rather quickly is such a turn off for others. I realize this and instantly try to hide this from those I encounter. The longer I can ward it off, the more they can get to know the un-crazy side of me, then maybe when I do dip, they’ll already be drawn in.

Maybe it’s that I require so much attention? Who has that kind of time?

I don’t really know what it is that keeps me lonely, but here I am.

I just have to remember: Don’t think.

I want you to stay...

It’s my last day in Arizona and I have to say the feeling is all so bittersweet. I spent the entire summer here last year and I couldn’t wait to leave. This had nothing to do with the place itself but rather the occurrences in my life at the time. This time was good. Despite several setbacks, I met some amazing new people that I can’t help but want in my everyday life.

I met Jeremy first and while I only spent a few bits of time with him, he has this light about him that pulls you in. His wit and intelligence are on par and his attitude resembles that of Captain Jack Harkness (For you Doctor Who fans.) I enjoyed the adventures, the conversations and the inside jokes we created… He also showed me how to work my camera a bit better, so that’s always a win.

There was Elvin and I can only describe him as the nicest ass hole you’ll ever meet. After months of daily conversations (sometimes 4-5 hours a day) we got to actually hang out in person. And he was every bit as funny as I expected. His wit, his intelligence, humor and lets be honest, his good looks were all of what I had expected. I feel like I could spend hours with this guy and never once get bored. Even if he rambled about rap or Wrestling…. He’s got a good heart and he is part of the reason I am having a hard time going back. (Where were you last summer?)

But mostly, there’s my family and all the friends who have been there. I miss them. I miss sitting at one another’s houses or running to a pool to avoid the overly hot sun. I miss being there to see their children grow and not just on facebook.

My youngest nephew almost brought me to tears tonight…

Josh: Did you use to live here?

Me: I did, 5 years ago I lived here.

Josh: Why did you leave?

Me: I needed to get out, I don’t like it here

Josh: I wish you would move back.

Me: Why’s that?

Josh: Cause I like those friends of yours (Refering to my friend Ashley and her sister Taylor) (good moment gone!)

Me: Oh, only for them? You like them better than me?

Josh: No, I like you more than them… but Taylor was fun. Will you ever move back?

Me: I don't know.

I got to see Jeremiah in his earlier years, and now I feel like I’m missing out on Joshes life. At least this time he remembers who I am. I miss my sense of family, and I’ve spent so many years running away from everything that it truly makes you realize how alone I feel now that I’ve gone away. But, everyone has to do things on their own terms right?

Last summer I broke bonds and severed ties…. This summer I mended some of those bonds and I feel so much better now. I’m happy with my life, I just wish the people I adored so much didn’t live so far away. I miss them. And now I have more people to miss.

Life is funny sometimes.