I Made You Another Mixed CD

I’m scared of what it means if to be unimportant. I convince myself that I’m at least important in someone’s eyes but at the same time I don’t feel worthy of that sort of standing. I’ve been thinking about that for a while now and even more so recently. I think about what it means for me to be alive and in people’s lives and I know everyone matters, but sometimes it’s hard not to wonder what that even means. Would the fact that I spend hours thinking about him even matter if I stopped? Would the world stop? Of course not, it would keep moving. So the reality is, we may be important but in the grand spectrum of the world we’re all just hiccups. I know that sounds dark, but it’s a reality I think about almost every day.

I am so afraid to lose the people I pull into my life that I try everything I can to make sure that they know how important they are to me. I clutch them protectively. They are mine and I don’t want to share because maybe if I shared, they’d find something else, someone better. I am possessive of those I pull close to me because I need them, probably more than they need me. And that’s a hard rationalization. Needy people are often looked at as weak, and I gather that because I need these people, I am weak. But the truth is, because I need them I think I am strong. So I cling.

I feel like I am in a bit of a limbo between something amazing that might never be and nothing at the same time. I’m trying to just have fun, but then you have to go back to the fact that I am possessive of the people I keep near. And it’s a hard pill to swallow to think that maybe I’m an afterthought, something to pass the time when there isn’t anything else in front of them. For someone who claims confidence, I sure am insecure about how people perceive me. I don’t want to doubt myself anymore.
I don’t want to go through this process in which I push and pull. This need to shove everyone out of my life and have nothing, but then the need to pull them all back in when it gets too dark. I am a conflicted person because I feel like the outside of me shows sunshine and smiles, but the inside of me is a maze of confusion, darkness and sharp words.

The dark side doesn’t have the cookies they promised. And I am pissed.

It's Time: I'm never changing who I am

I have a love/hate relationship with nights.

Sometimes in the darkness I fall, I tumble into this pit I’ve been into before. It’s the same one I’ve always fallen into and I begin to fill with an incredible sense of self-doubt. I spend hours poring over every mistake and I think of where I went wrong. Like maybe if I was hugged enough I wouldn’t feel the icy blades of rejection. Maybe if I had been stronger, I wouldn’t run from the ones that care. Life is distressing for everyone isn’t it? We all fall; no one comes out of life unscathed.
And that’s hard to remember when you’re in that pit. It’s hard to remember the things that have made you who you are; it’s hard to remember that we’re all living this life at different paces. We want to fit our pieces together with everyone else’s and match up, but we’re not built like that.

This time last summer, I was hollowed out and feeling the weight of failure, and the hole I crawled into I’ve only been in one other time in my life. But I picked myself up and I could feel the changes as they happened. I felt my mood shift and this weight I’ve carried began to shift. But it shifted because I became stronger.

And sometimes in the darkness, I drive with the windows down and I let thoughts swim around in my head, I fight the anger, the bitter, and the sadness with the realities. And you know all this reflection is probably based off the impending birthday that always makes me think, “Well fuck, I’m XX years old and what do I have?” This year I want to look at it differently. This year, I have a lot. This year I’ll fill my pit with the parts of me that are good. Because I control my life now, I need to recognize that my past is only the building blocks that built who I am. My happiness is not dependent on anyone else. My past doesn’t dictate who I will be, it’s just my story… start to finish.

So what do I have? I have an amazing sense of adventure, a gypsy heart that looks at the world still with wonder and amazement. So, maybe I get bored and want to run… but only because I want to feel the rush of something new. I’m closer now to a degree than I have ever been. Yes, I have been in school for far too long and I can make excuses, tell you it’s because I changed majors multiple times, but it’s also because I failed classes that I didn’t put whole efforts into, so I’ve spent so many wasted hours retaking them. But, I’ll get that degree and I’ll be successful. I have supportive family; people who care about me. And I have Aunt who’s sacrificed her privacy and made me her unofficial daughter. And I only now see that she’s given me the love I always thought I lacked. I have amazing friends that without falter have followed me down all paths of my life and rooted for me and made me feel wanted, and missed. Because the burning question for me has always been “would anyone miss me when I’m gone.” I know now that they would. I’ve learned acceptance. I’ve learned compassion. I wake up in a warm home in a beautiful neighborhood where I feel safe. I don’t go hungry (unless self-inflicted.) I have fallen in love and I’ve had my heart broken and each time it’s made me learn a little bit more about myself. I am living and that is the most important part. I refuse to let life pass me by, because I want to experience it all.