I Made You Another Mixed CD

I’m scared of what it means if to be unimportant. I convince myself that I’m at least important in someone’s eyes but at the same time I don’t feel worthy of that sort of standing. I’ve been thinking about that for a while now and even more so recently. I think about what it means for me to be alive and in people’s lives and I know everyone matters, but sometimes it’s hard not to wonder what that even means. Would the fact that I spend hours thinking about him even matter if I stopped? Would the world stop? Of course not, it would keep moving. So the reality is, we may be important but in the grand spectrum of the world we’re all just hiccups. I know that sounds dark, but it’s a reality I think about almost every day.

I am so afraid to lose the people I pull into my life that I try everything I can to make sure that they know how important they are to me. I clutch them protectively. They are mine and I don’t want to share because maybe if I shared, they’d find something else, someone better. I am possessive of those I pull close to me because I need them, probably more than they need me. And that’s a hard rationalization. Needy people are often looked at as weak, and I gather that because I need these people, I am weak. But the truth is, because I need them I think I am strong. So I cling.

I feel like I am in a bit of a limbo between something amazing that might never be and nothing at the same time. I’m trying to just have fun, but then you have to go back to the fact that I am possessive of the people I keep near. And it’s a hard pill to swallow to think that maybe I’m an afterthought, something to pass the time when there isn’t anything else in front of them. For someone who claims confidence, I sure am insecure about how people perceive me. I don’t want to doubt myself anymore.
I don’t want to go through this process in which I push and pull. This need to shove everyone out of my life and have nothing, but then the need to pull them all back in when it gets too dark. I am a conflicted person because I feel like the outside of me shows sunshine and smiles, but the inside of me is a maze of confusion, darkness and sharp words.

The dark side doesn’t have the cookies they promised. And I am pissed.