Mad World: Mother's Day Edition

If you ever hear me talking about my mother its usually in jest or reference to the childhood she provided me with. It’s never really to say, “Gosh, my mom is the great.” In fact, I haven’t talked to my mom in over a year. I don’t regret it. And frankly, my life is better for not having her in it. For a lot of people that’s a hard fact to swallow. They protest my ill feelings towards her. “But she gave you your life.” Yeah, she gave me life. Neat. That doesn’t make her a saint. She made a stupid decision and I was the result of that. It doesn’t make the accident a tragedy, but it doesn’t even give her points in my book. That being said, not all of my memories of her are horrific.

The women who gave birth to me was named Therese, her friends called her Theresa or T and I look a lot like her. I share many characteristics with her. We’re both smart but miss guided. We both use humor to hide our faults. And when I was younger after all my siblings had gone off to school she would make me “Pop-it” eggs and toast. And I loved those moments when we’d sit in the cabin kitchen, her nursing a hangover or coming down from some drug… And then there was me, lost in the world I lived in inside my head using toast to pop the yoke of the over medium eggs she made me. I cling to this memory the most because it’s one that makes me smile. It was one of the only times in my life I felt like I wasn’t lost in a sea of everyone else.

I know that Therese always talked so highly of me. She told people I was smart. She marveled in my ability to create and write. She loved me the best she could. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough. Ultimately, she chose herself over the lives of her children and we suffered for it. There are many times when I find myself caught in the emotions and I crave the relationship I see my friends have with their mothers. I’ve shed more tears than I can count mourning the loss of that relationship that never was and never will be. And it’s probably the hardest thing for me to let go of because even though my brain can acknowledge the poison that she brings, I desperately reach for her love. And each time I am met with a sting of rejection. But it’s Mother’s Day… so, thanks for giving me life, Therese.

However, the real hero’s in my life on Mother’s Day are the people who stepped in when she walked out. The real stars are my grandmother, Jean; my aunt, Kathleen; my godmother, Peggy; my brother Dan and Ashley’s mother, Michelle. They are the ones who deserve a medal for raising me in her absence.

I’m giving you a chance, so take it

Trust is a funny thing. For some people it’s easy to give away. For some people it’s hard to give. But its always easy to lose. One slight bump and it’s gone. And gaining it back never is as easy as making friends in grade school. It’s not as if “I like your crayons” will seal the bond again. It takes a buildup of events and a conscious decision to make amends. Even then, it’s always that piece of china that was shattered and then pieced together, the strength weakened.

Gaining my trust can be both easy and hard. Easy if you find a way to weasel your way into my heart, but hard if you’ve just taken the normal route. I build these walls to protect me, because I’ve had bonds of trust broken repeatedly by the people who are supposed to nurture you and love you unconditionally. My teacup has been broken time and time again so for me to hold my cup out and allow you to fill it, it’s something amazing and completely frightening all at once. Because I love too hard and forgive too easy, I shatter rather quickly as well.

I'm relying on my best memories

Life is strange and constantly surprising me. When I feel like I’m most invisible someone always seems to see me. When I’m trying to keep a low profile, someone seems to see me. You forget what it’s like to laugh sometimes, and how it feels to smile. And then you forget what it’s like to look forward to things and want more because you’re too busy trying to be invisible or keep a low profile.

When do we figure out that life is about being heard and seen? When do we stop trying to hide and embrace what life has to offer us? It’s hard to change that thought pattern of existing and just getting through each day. But life puts things in our way to make us see something. Make us learn and adapt.

What’s the lesson here I wonder?