"Save Me From The Nothing I've Become"

It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm up and ready to go... why? Because I've been sleeping entire days away.

I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.

My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.

Conversations generally go like this:

Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)

I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.

Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?

And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.

I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.

I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.

It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.

Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.

She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.

Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.