Reflections in My Utopia

In the form of quotes

"Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played the part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart" – Shape of My Heart (BSB)

"I find myself scared to let people close to me, I’m afraid that they will see how truly broken I am, and not want to be near me. Not want anything to do with me." – Myself.

I still feel this way.

"I want to be a photographer. I want to be a writer. I want to live the life of a vagabond, going from place to place, I don’t ever want to settle in one spot because I want to see the world. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife. I want adopt a child. I want to dance in both the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I want to save a life. I want to be someone’s world. I want to be a teacher. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn how to write. I want to own a house on a lake with so much land you have to take a car or a horse or a quad to the other side. I want to write a novel. Be in a magazine. Write for a magazine. Graduate college. I want to be someone." – Myself (Friday, August 4th, 2006)

I still want most of these things.

"Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never But you never had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now" – Wonderwall (Oasis/HowieDay/RyanAdams)

Pretty much the same, different people fit this song. New people, Old People. Good people. – Not so much bad people. Or a person specifically.

"I was having a conversation with someone tonight about being social outcast, and avoiding human interaction. Basically about being a wallflower and refusing to let people in, or more so being afraid to let people in, which I often find myself, worried over. Thoughts of what people will think of me if they knew the core of me...and then It made me think about why I have a need/want to be with someone. To get married, to experience life that way... and then I thought of a quote from a movie I watched today. Shall We Dance? In the movie one of the character says...

"We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ’Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."

and I realized that this particular quote... hits me perfectly...Why I have to be around people, why I’m afraid to be alone... I need someone to witness my life...
- Myself

This would still be nice.

Looking back on old posts from over a year ago, I can’t help but feel I am better now. I still have problems and I still get down, but wow, not nearly as much as I used to. However, I feel like I’ve replaced the sadness with a bitter person. So I will have to work on that and maybe a year from now, I can be not bitter, but a genuinely happy person.

I’m still hopeful.