Sail Away with me Hunny...

So the last few days I have been quite zombie-a-fied.

Monday morning I come into about 50 Orders to be printed with 98% of them being hard copies. A hard copy is when a customer request that their document be printed instead of e-mailed or in the form of a CD. These documents can be anywhere from 100-800 pages. It takes approximately 1 hour to print 3 of these hard copies with more coming in by the hour. One of our management companies was extremely behind and decided to play Catch-up over the weekend. This meant I’d be skipping Lunch (which is okay, because its overtime….)

Tuesday, same thing. There were a lot of orders to be processed. Another lunch skipped. And I don’t even remember what happened on either of these days I just know that I worked, came home and was unable to actually full sleep.

Which brings me to my next topic. Sleep. I haven’t been getting any sleep. Well I’ve been getting 2-3 hours here and there, but mostly I wake up every morning extremely tired, probably more tired than the night before. And I cannot seem to wake myself before 8 AM, which is really not that good considering; I start work at 8:30. So I’ve been running 5 minutes late for the past week and a half.

I have so much to do and it seems like so little time. I put in my resignation at work, a month from today and I will be work free for the summer. Well, I guess I’ll still have work to do, I just wont be paid and there will be no taxes involved. So, there’s a pro and con for you.

Did I also mention that a week from yesterday I will be free from my federal and state grounding? Yes, I will be out of my Diversion program and considered a normal part of society instead of a criminal. If you don’t know what this is about, my apologies (search old blogs circa June 2007.)

I can’t remember if it was yesterday or Monday that my friend Kristin called me to tell me about her baby girl’s birthday party. For some reason I feel like it’s her 3rd birthday party and I keep thinking to myself, dear god, it’s been a while… but then I realize, no it’s only her second birthday party. Few people know, but I could have had a two year old. He/She would have been born the June after Kaylee was born (May 4, 2006.)

I remember how depressed I was when I found out I miscarried, but now that I look back, its probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. The only regret I have now is that my grandma will never get to meet any of my kids (if I even have any) and that makes me sad. I know that my nephews life was enriched because of the quality time he spent with my grandma and now I fear that my kids will never know what its like to have a grandmother from my side of the family. I can only rely on my family to step in and show them what its like to have family. But hell, we all know I’m never getting married and I’m never having kids…

Happy Birthday Grandma. I miss you.

Have a little Faith In me...

"I never dreamed home would end up being where I don't belong..."

Here is the good news.

Today, I paid my court fines and a total of $942.00 were spent. I feel a lot better, as if this HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. April 29th I go into sign the paper work to be free of my legal cage that binds me to Arizona.

And as I've been talking to all my friends closest to me, I am really nervous and anxious to start the "New Me" lifestyle that I will begin when I move to Michigan. I promise not to change who I am, but to change what I am doing with my life. I want to be someone great and I know I can, I just need to take those steps.

My fears were losing my friends, but I know that will not happen. The ones that are in it for the long haul will always be there, it's the ones that wont be around when I come on top that I do not need to fear losing and I am ashamed to admit that was a fear.

It will definitely be strange to not just call people up and hang with them here, I know it will be difficult to not compare my new friends with my old ones, because I'm afraid my new friends have set some high standards that many people will fall short of. I must be open to the change and welcome the experiences that will shape my next life.

And so, this chapter of my life, which I will call "Some Where in Between" is a few pages away from coming to an end.

On May 31, 2008 I'll head to Michigan to begin my new Life.

To my friends, please don't close this book now, keep reading, I know the ending will be great.

I just don't know

I am hurt right now, big time.

I have a lot to look forward to, I mean I’m leaving Arizona (for good…) in less than two months.

I got offered the chance to live for dirt cheap in a beautiful home, go to school full time and finally get to know what it feels like to be "normal. College student." It’s something I’ve wanted for quite some time and thanks to grandma its finally happening… I should be ecstatic.

But, I just feel so icky. I woke up this morning more tired than usual, my body was just done and I’ve been fighting boughs of nausea all day.

My fortune cookie said "This coming month shall bring Winds of Change into your life."

Me being the dork that I am thought February was valentines month so maybe it was going to mean I’d have better luck with Love.... Little did I know it was going to be more dramatic of a change, something that would never be undone...That was before February, the month my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

On March 24th, 2008 Jean Crawford, My Grandmother passed away.

I don’t want it to be real.