I had this dream that Jess and I were in California near the coast, for part of the dream we were on the beach, looking at stuff and avoiding being attacked by birds, but then the weird part was when we hit the boardwalk and there was this 20 store hotel building on the side of it.
In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.
At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.
And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.
I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)
I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.
1 comment:
The best kind of laugh is the one where you turn purple and snort... That's fantastic. :-)
We're just going to have to arrange for a purple, snorting laugh to come your way sometime soon.
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