Its strange to think that the world as I once knew it will never be the same. I used to dread the holidays. I was worried about how I would react to things that would be said and even more so, what would be said.
I feared gathering with my family because of the arguments. And yet, as I sit here on the eve before Thanksgiving, I realize I miss my family. Even if we did argue.... I miss knowing that there was a place that felt like home.
I miss watching my nephews run around or having Jeremiah babble at great lengths about nothing at all. And I miss the smells that would becoming from the kitchen. And how there would be 4 (to 5 cars) parked outside of her house. And she would be screaming for someone to come help (And usually it was me.) I guess she inadvertently made me feel useful and wanted. Even if it did piss me off at the time. I miss the smell of the pine trees, and the warmth of the fire.
Nothing feels like home anymore. It feels like I’m walking blindly in the world with no where to go that has the comforts of the known.
My grandma’s house was always home for me. It was always a place for me to go... My heart feels homeless and lonely.... is it always going to feel like this?
On the positive side, I am cooking the “sides” for Thanksgiving this year. Jake is deep frying a Turkey (I hear its good, but I’m still skeptical.) And I am preparing mashed potatoes, dressing, Sweet Potatoes (Yams), and Green Jello (My family style) and hopefully it doesn’t taste like ass. Though, it only seems like 1/4th of what I’m used to it’s going to be quite a bit of food. And I’m glad I wont be spending thanksgiving working.... at least I’ll have one friend around and that is good enough for me.
After tomorrow I can officially commence listening to Christmas music without feeling ridiculous....
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