Feeling blue...

I’m so tired of feeling so rejected and being sad.

I had a relatively good weekend with my family, which is actually a first. Most family events leave me crying or extremely angry. This weekend was good – for once my sister and I didn’t fight – although the last night there I could feel one bubbling and inching its way forward. I tried not to react to things in the same way I used to. It felt so good to go somewhere and actually be wanted, to be embraced and awaited. And I really needed it. I needed the moments where I felt like part of something.

I figured coming home would mean people missed me and wanted to see me. But I came home to a dark house. It was depressing. I came home to no one. My cat still miffed at my disappearance wasn’t even willing to offer some kind of pet comfort. She looked at me, sniffed at me and then went off.

I hate that I need people so much. I hate that coming home to nothing has pushed me into tears, to loneliness and sadness.

I hate knowing how I should feel but not being able to feel that. It’s like trying to scream, but no words come out.

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” – Eleanor Roosevelt