So without fail my life seems to have flipped itself upside down. I was walking pretty strong with most things in my life, while my emotional side wavered and constantly took abrupt stops and dips, financially and physically, I was okay. I managed to survive a year in a new place, where I knew very few. It was something I could be proud of. I was able to help friends for a chance instead of everyone always helping me. And even thought emotionally I was blustery, I was good.
When I decided to quit my full-time job and take on a part time job as a nanny so I could go back to school and really concentrate, I thought I was doing something for the good. I thought, yes, finally I’m doing something I can be happy with; I’m finally making those steps to accomplish my goal. Even if it is a goal I question now and look back on with much skepticism, at least I was doing something right?
Mostly, I didn’t want to work for the company I was working for, at the end of the day, I didn’t feel like I was doing something I could be confident in. I didn’t feel good about myself, I felt like I was a sneak, and that what the business did was deceiving and something I couldn’t allow myself to do. And so, as luck would have it, the day I was to return to work after a surgery, a family I had interviewed with offered me a position as nanny to two little boys. I jumped. I was so excited that finally someone looked past my obviously questionable appearance and took a chance. And things have gone pretty good.
Cue disasters.
Financially, quitting my full time job was stupid. Financially, I figure I had everything planned, with financial aid I thought could really keep myself afloat for the few months, I had saved and conserved some money to assist me with this. I didn’t factor in getting ill, having to go to doctors, having to have my car towed twice and having to buy parts (some, not all) for the car. I had only factored in what I needed to make it month to month with some going into savings. I didn’t plan enough and so I sank. Or rather, am sinking. And then I spent 4 days in a hospital, not sure how that bill is being paid for… But I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get there…. Or maybe I’ll just jump off it.
With this financial instability, I found that my emotional problems began to weigh more on my mind. My desire to be independent of people collided heavily with my co-dependent personality. My desire to help clashed with my selfish need to be helped. My need for love collided with my lack of love I have for myself. My need to be in the spotlight infringed upon a want to be unnoticed. I wanted this, and that, but couldn’t articulate how to get them or how to meet these needs. My thirst to be normal complicated my need to also be different, unique and desired.
Words I’d said in the past continued to haunt me even while I was attempting to make changes. When I would crash into these past demons, I found myself reacting the same as I had then, with more anger and resentment that I was unable to be free of things I had long apologized for. My frustrations were growing, my mind was sinking, financially I was in muddy water and I fell.
I fell deep and I fell hard. And I have yet to actually pick myself up and shake myself off. However, my desire to push forward has faded. Before, I always had a small motivational factor that would push me through, whether it be my need to be something more, to rise above, or be it a friend who’s need for me held me somewhat grounded. Something always made me get back up, dust myself off and try again. Something always made me laugh, made me smile, and made me see light in a dark tunnel.
I find that I’ve run out of “some things” to keep me moving. I’ve lost my ability to find a silver lining. I’ve lost my hope and my desire, my drive to live and my thirst for adventure. I function now only because its what is expected and what should be. No longer for myself, I continue to go to class, do the required work and attempt to pass. I wake up and go to work, do the required time and return home. And maybe that makes my only driving factor the idea of what is expected of me. I am expected to pay my bills and contribute to society. I am expected to take care of my responsibilities. I am an adult now so I am expected to answer as such. But I would rather hole myself off, breathe and attempt to heal these scars, these wounds that continue to break open festering with vile infections that slowly are rotting me…
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