I cannot seem to operate and you my love are gone...

In the past 24-hours I’ve hit all kinds of emotions. I feel like I’m on a wheel of emotions spinning around. I’ve cried, I’ve shouted, I’ve laughed, I’ve smiled, and I’ve laid lifelessly defeated and let the sadness take over. I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with things as to not let my mind slip into the typical sinkhole.

I don’t want to be the girl that loses her damn mind over a boy. I want to be the girl that just picks up her chin and fights on. But I’m not that girl. I never was that girl, and it’s likely that I wont be that girl now, but damn it if I don’t want to be that girl.

I think in my attempt to be that girl I am hurting myself more because I’m not allowing my emotions to fully cycle themselves out. My sister-in-law told me that being angry will probably not help, but for me, anger subsides quicker than sadness. I am quick to forgive when angry, so if I could move to the anger part, it would make this loss a lot easier to deal with.

In my obvious self-hatred I looked immediately to my faults. What I did wrong, how I could have prevented it. That’s what anyone ever does. We all want to blame ourselves, but I also look at the relationship for the obvious faults that were not just mine, but his as well.

We neglected to look past the most basic parts of our relationship. Where there was supposed to be growth, we allowed ourselves to stay in this limbo. I’m not a relationship veteran, but I know that there has to be growth, goals, changes – we didn’t have those things. We had love, an abundance of it – but in the end, is that all we ever really need? Or realistically do we need more than that? Realistically there are desires and things that need to be fulfilled that love wont do. Compromise will.

Finding equal balance between what each person wants. Realistically, we were both selfish. He wanted it his way and I wanted it my way. No compromise. He wasn’t ready for change and I wanted to keep moving. He was wounded and I wanted him to be healed. I know from my own experience you cannot rush the process in which we heal ourselves. I also know that you cannot heal unless you are ready to confront what hurts you. He was not ready. What we had in love, we also lacked space, and I blame myself for that. I found that I wanted to be with him all the time because of the way he made me feel that I probably suffocated him with my neediness. I don’t think he was used to the idea of someone wanting his attention constantly and I pushed those limits.

I’m hurting the most because I feel worthless. No matter how many people tell me I’m awesome or how great I am and how it’s his loss. My mind keeps reminding me that I’m not good enough to fight for; I’m not the exception, I am the rule. For me this is a common territory for me, this constant struggle to measure up and failing.

When I think that I’m setting the bar too high and perhaps I should lower it, I can’t bring myself to do it because It feels like I’m settling. I want more than that for myself, I fear that if I settle, then I will not live to my potentials and for me, I feel like I can and should be more than I am right now. Call it desire to “stick it to the man” or an obsession with perfection either way, it is what it is.

So I set my bar high, I fail, and I’m saddened by the results. Arguably, I think I’d be worse if I set my expectations too low. And arguably, I think I’d fall into mediocrity.

I [can] be better than that.

So tonight my heart hurts. Tonight my brain is moving too fast and my need for him to be with me is strong. But I desire and need more and maybe he can’t provide that for me, and maybe that’s okay.

Then again, maybe I’ll be the exception and not the rule.

"And if you come around again then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door.."

The Chain