Please don't let me go, I desperately need you.

I’m sitting at my desk eating a powdered Bavarian crème donut. Its sweet and it tastes like my youth. Instantly I am transformed back to Sundays with my grandparents.

I’m seven, maybe eight and the air is hot; I can feel the sweat pool behind the back of my knees. Its summer in Tucson, which means the weather, is unbearable. And still, children are dashing around the grass in their dresses and khaki’s while parents and friends gather in small groups talking to one another. My grandfather is giving the okay as we hurry over to select a donut that’s being sold after the service. I can see him with his pressed pants, his crisp button up, bald head reflecting the sun. He stirs his coffee as my siblings and I wait, pushing in front of each other to be the first to collect our prize. My grandmother scolds us, tells us to behave, we try, but we’re really no good at it.

Besides the donut counters are two orange coolers of lemonade, they’re the perfect combination for this hot Sunday. I try not to be greedy but I know want to grab all of the donuts, maybe sneak another selfishly away for later. They’re treats for me, and I want them all. I carefully select a powdered crème filled donut. I do this every time and it taste so good. I’m content in my life and nothing seems to matter as I smudge myself with the sugary-confection.

Looking back, It was really the only reason I ever enjoyed going to church that or the rare occasion that my grandparents would take us to a late breakfast or lunch. I was destined to be fat. I loved food even then.

Shortly after we’ll pack ourselves into my grandparent’s car, it smells like leather and when my grandma drives, I get car sick. When grandpa drives, I watch him, carefully. I watch where he turns, what roads he takes. This helps me later when I get my licenses and never really struggle with how to get somewhere. I act worried when my grandma screeches my grandfathers name and clings to the armrest, but inside I know she’s over reacting, like he’d ever hit anyone, we’re safe. I’m safe when I’m with my grandparents. And I’m happy.