“I find it hard to tell you, cause I find it hard to take”

“Well I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music, do you? “

It started with a random song that came on my Pandora, I remember hearing some of the words, the melody stuck in my head but I couldn’t remember the name of the artist who sang it so I googled the title of the song, “Hallalujah”, and got a youtube video a fan-made video featuring Kate Voegele’s vocals. I’m not even remotely familiar with her, as I’ve actually never heard of her before. But her version of the song struck a cord with me. It’s her voice, it captivates me and I wonder if people ever become so infatuated with a song because the way a certain sound. I’m sure they do, but I like to think I’m unique in my obsession with vocals. It raises hairs on my arms and I can actually feel tears well up in my eyes. And I’m positive that this is how music should be felt, heard even.

First of all, the lyrics are beautiful. The strange part is that they’re spiritual and they hit me in a way I can’t even explain. It makes me feel more glass half full in regards to my life. However, I have difficulty pulling from this cynical outlook. I feel like I’m forever feeling the “the minor fall” of life in everything that I do. I’m still waiting for “the major lift” So I can have my Hallelujah moments I know it’s just the ebbs and flow of life, but I truly believe that some people are more lucky than others and I haven’t the luck of the Irish that I should have. But I digress. There is something about this line from the song, “And Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah “ Borderline obsessed with the notion. I just know that the voice combined with the lyrics sooth me, like a pacifier does to a fussy baby.

And then there’s the flip-side to the other song that’s also been on repeat, Mad World, a slightly darker take on life. Which interestingly enough the video I found also fan-made was set to scenes from Girl, Interrupted; which is oddly fitting. But anyway, I knew I had heard it before because I recalled the melody and lyrics slightly (Tears for Fears) but the artist singing it was new to me, Alex Parks. I love her voice. It’s another one of those voices that appeals to me and draws me into the song. But this song is about how we get so caught up in life and run these circles and it all seems so tiresome. I can my fears being ripped from me and put on show in this song.

“Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows, no tomorrow…”

I relate so much to the dark and lonely lyric “And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” It’s such a cynical outlook, and it gives off this edge of loneliness in the singer’s voice. It reaches into the darkness of me and pulls these thoughts forward.

“I find it hard to tell you, cause I find it hard to take”

It’s hard to understand the darkness that comes into me when I have these fairy tales of life in my head, my humor is twisted and dark, bleak, but my heart is princesses, fairies, magical lands and happily ever after.

The very twist of both of these songs being on my replay list back to back suggest a certain bi-polar/teenage angst feeling inside of me. And then this tug for normalcy, which explains the tears that well inside me when I hear “Hallelujah” and the sense of comfort I feel when I hear “Mad World.”