Run from Safety...

While talking to a friend earlier he kind of said something that planted a seed inside of my mind. We were talking about quotes and our favorites. I have 2 separate quotes that have been something in my mind for a while now. They’re both ways I like to live my life.

The first one is from a book by Alice Sebold.

"No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

I use this as a way of living not to say that you can’t trust anyone but at the end of the day you have yourself and only yourself, being self sufficient in that you don’t expect others to fix your issues. Other’s may aide, but in the end only you can make the changes necessary.

The second is from a book called Running from Safety.

"You find what you love and you learn everything about it. You bet your life on what you know and you run from safety"

The idea is that you take risks, and run from safety. So of course he throws me off and makes a statement/question. “You say you live your life avoiding complacent in everything else but you found that it was okay for you to have that in your relationships?”

It sort of floored me. Because I do live my life as if nothing can touch me. I run from safety every time. And yet in the past I have found myself in these toxic and complacent relationships and because of what? Because staying was easier than starting over, staying was easier than admitting defeat. Staying meant I wasn’t alone. Granted, I’ve since become comforted in the idea of being by myself and even more comfortable in who I am, the reality is I accepted that I didn’t deserve more and allowed myself to be in this “Safety Zone.”

I don’t know, something about the question really stung. The truth is a bitch.

Sounds Like Crazy

It sounds like I’m crazy
When I think of no one else but you
It sounds so strange
When I see my future in you


But I’ve got to hold on to my thoughts
For they seem to escape me
And this dreaming and wishing
Only gets me so far.

-JC

Chasing Pavements

I’m feeling the urge to run again. And maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic when I say that life seems to hit me hard when it hits me.

Arizona this summer was a bust. There were good parts to it, but mostly it was a bust. And everyone knew it would be the collapse of my relationship except m. Because being away from Daniel made me realize the things I missed about him. It renewed my sense of need for him in my life and the things we did together.

My grandma’s house being sold was a major blow for me. Watching pieces of her stuff be carted off to different people’s homes or even walking through the hallowed existence of a place I called home for so many years broke me. It hurts me now. It feels like closing her estate meant the closing of my family, everyone can say that I haven’t lost them, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like they’re gone from me too. My family is broken, and while it always has been I feel like even more so now. I feel detached from my siblings and worlds away because I chose to leave Arizona.

So, this whole “Jenn having a nervous breakdown.” is not because Daniel left me, but it is part of my fear of abandonment.

I fucking hate my mom. It’s easy for me to say that, but it hurts just the same. I know that she gave me life and I should appreciate it, but she only gave birth to me, she did not provide me with a life any one should have to endure. So, yeah, I have a chip on my shoulder. And my fear of abandonment is her fault. My need to run every few months because she wouldn't let us go to people who could actually care for us and provide us with stability. But no, instead kept us so she could maintain a government check... but provided the most unstable living, constantly moving.

The first time I actually completed one whole grade in the same school was in 4th grade, between Kindergarten and 3rd grade I don’t know how many schools I attended, but I know it was a lot.

And then she has the nerve to ask me to go out to lunch or dinner with her while I was in Arizona. Why would I want anything to do with her? But still it hurt for me to tell her I couldn’t have a relationship with her, because my heart so desperately wants a mother...but I know it’s just always going to be about her, and she'll break my heart again, just like she did every weekend when I was a child. She broke my heart every time she did drugs and every time she picked alcohol over us. The time she just moved to Las Vegas while we stayed at our grandma's for the weekend.
So my ability to cope with a relationship break up has seemingly been escalated because my heart just feels abandoned and all of these painful memories and hurts seem to come into the light. Memories I thought I’d extinguished. Things I thought I had overcame.

I came home to emptiness and particularly a couple losses, friendships and otherwise and I tried like hell to find something to refocus my attention. So I picked school, and I found out I’m about 3 semesters behind in school, which in the long run doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re in the position I am, it’s a lot.
I have very few friends here and when I attempt to make friends I just end up feeling like a fucking third wheel or desperate case. I fear talking because I’m just another basket case with issues. I feel like I’m placing the burden of my sadness on other people.

It takes away my breath and leaves pieces of me fragmented and lost.

And I'm in love with a guy that logically my brain says "Let it go" but my heart can't. My heart hurts, every fucking love song makes me cry, every break up song makes my heart ache, and everyone around me seems to be so happy in love and I'm here like... "I’m sorry that I'm sad, I just hurt” or I fake happiness so I don't make them feel bad because I feel bad.

And I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail. Like I have to keep treading this water because everyone expects me to be strong and push forward because I always have. Like a cat, I always seem to land on my feet.
I’m too sad to land on my feet. I’m too heartbroken to stay afloat. I’m too tired of fighting and I can’t figure out how move forward.

I’m stuck and I want to run from safety.

"Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasin' pavements even if it leads nowhere..."

You don't really care for music do yah?

One of my first boyfriends introduced me to a lot of fantastic music. I remember nights we'd fall asleep on his sister's couch or his bed listening to a play list he created and I used to wake up specifically to two separate songs, but I wasn't completely sure what they were. I just know it was always the same similar sound and cords every time. But I remember I would open my eyes and then snuggle close to him. I felt calm and safe in those moments, probably the calmest I'd ever felt in my life.

This was almost 8 years ago.

About a year ago, I was driving and a song came on the radio and I felt this wave of calm flood over me and I cried. It was a particularly stressful week and my body was in knots, so to have this emotion flood was really interesting.

It wasn't until much later that I realized that the song that I became obsessed with during the next few months was actually one of the songs that I woke up to when I was with David.

Even now I hear it and I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It's one of those moments in my relationship that even though that relationship has ended and it hurt.

I truly love to relive the moment, if only to feel the breath of calm.

Dreaming with a broken heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for the moment you can hardly breathe..."

I don’t want to feel emotions about this break up anymore. It was different when I was in Arizona… It was easier to ignore and think… He’ll be there when I get home. This is not real, just another fight. I tried to justify it to my logical side. “We’re both two different people on two different paths.”

When I got home, I immediately slumped into a depression, a deep one. I tried to justify the reasons it was good that we broke up. But I couldn’t justify them completely to avoid the depression. To avoid the pain I felt. I couldn’t find it inside of me to hate him, but instead wanted him back. I saw him doing everything I wanted him to do while we were together. We talked, he seemed finally like he had a grip of things and I argued that there were many factors against us, why shouldn’t we have another chance, a good chance where we can actually date and not be attached at each others' hips instantly.

But he wasn’t sure. And eventually it just all exploded and I was left in carnage of my own stupidity. But anger had swelled and I was able to get past the sad. And then I got to the part where I feel numb, or as numb as I can be while realizing that I can’t just lie in bed and sleep all day. The show must go on.

So now my emotions are manifesting themselves in my dreams. I spend the entire day free from though only to be confronted in my dreams. It’s exhausting to wake up in tears or as if I have been crying for hours. My body aches. My heart aches. I’m tired of waking up this way. I’m pissed off that I normally don’t remember dreams and if I do they are violent. And now, I’m dreaming and I’m sad. I am so sad that I cry in my sleep. I’m so sad that I’m waking up with swollen eye sockets and a headache. I’m tired of it. I don’t really know how to process any of these emotions and I feel like if I still love him, I must be crazy or ridiculous. So I try to pretend I don’t.

But in the end, I still do.

I know with time, it will be better; in the meantime I am having trouble confronting my emotions and even sorting through them. I feel like I should be angry and hate him, but I can’t. Even lame attempts at talking poorly about him don’t seem to help.

Why do I have to go through this?