Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?

Last night while driving the 9.5 hours from New Jersey to Michigan I finally grasped what the authors where talking about when they talked about the south and hot and sticky nights. I drove with my window down most of the time because it keeps me alert and I like the feel of the wind on my face. But damn, afterwards I could feel the humidity clinging to my skin as I rolled up the window. And I knew what it meant to lay awake at night because the air was so sticky and hot it made even breathing unpleasant.

This thought led me to think about how certain writers have this way of capturing you with things they say. For the internet people, John Green resonates with his quotable lines and wording. And I think about how sometimes, when I’m alone and there’s a breeze or a certain smell something stands out to me it can take me back to something someone has written and I love tha. There’s an opening to a book which I absolutely adore, White Oleander by Janet Fitch. It haunts me at moments like this when I’m driving and my mind finds the connection.

“The Santa Anas blew in hot from the desert, shriveling the last of the spring grass into whiskers of pale straw. Only the oleanders thrived, their delicate poisonous blooms, their dagger green leaves. We couldn't sleep in the hot dry nights, my mother and I. I woke up at midnight to find her bed empty. I climbed to the roof and easily spotted her blonde hair like a white flame in the light of the three-quarter moon.”

The opening lines of this book beg you to feel them. And as a writer that is our goal. We want you to feel the emotions behind the words. Because what are words if they aren’t felt?

I want you to stay...

It’s my last day in Arizona and I have to say the feeling is all so bittersweet. I spent the entire summer here last year and I couldn’t wait to leave. This had nothing to do with the place itself but rather the occurrences in my life at the time. This time was good. Despite several setbacks, I met some amazing new people that I can’t help but want in my everyday life.

I met Jeremy first and while I only spent a few bits of time with him, he has this light about him that pulls you in. His wit and intelligence are on par and his attitude resembles that of Captain Jack Harkness (For you Doctor Who fans.) I enjoyed the adventures, the conversations and the inside jokes we created… He also showed me how to work my camera a bit better, so that’s always a win.

There was Elvin and I can only describe him as the nicest ass hole you’ll ever meet. After months of daily conversations (sometimes 4-5 hours a day) we got to actually hang out in person. And he was every bit as funny as I expected. His wit, his intelligence, humor and lets be honest, his good looks were all of what I had expected. I feel like I could spend hours with this guy and never once get bored. Even if he rambled about rap or Wrestling…. He’s got a good heart and he is part of the reason I am having a hard time going back. (Where were you last summer?)

But mostly, there’s my family and all the friends who have been there. I miss them. I miss sitting at one another’s houses or running to a pool to avoid the overly hot sun. I miss being there to see their children grow and not just on facebook.

My youngest nephew almost brought me to tears tonight…

Josh: Did you use to live here?

Me: I did, 5 years ago I lived here.

Josh: Why did you leave?

Me: I needed to get out, I don’t like it here

Josh: I wish you would move back.

Me: Why’s that?

Josh: Cause I like those friends of yours (Refering to my friend Ashley and her sister Taylor) (good moment gone!)

Me: Oh, only for them? You like them better than me?

Josh: No, I like you more than them… but Taylor was fun. Will you ever move back?

Me: I don't know.

I got to see Jeremiah in his earlier years, and now I feel like I’m missing out on Joshes life. At least this time he remembers who I am. I miss my sense of family, and I’ve spent so many years running away from everything that it truly makes you realize how alone I feel now that I’ve gone away. But, everyone has to do things on their own terms right?

Last summer I broke bonds and severed ties…. This summer I mended some of those bonds and I feel so much better now. I’m happy with my life, I just wish the people I adored so much didn’t live so far away. I miss them. And now I have more people to miss.

Life is funny sometimes.

Run from Safety...

While talking to a friend earlier he kind of said something that planted a seed inside of my mind. We were talking about quotes and our favorites. I have 2 separate quotes that have been something in my mind for a while now. They’re both ways I like to live my life.

The first one is from a book by Alice Sebold.

"No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

I use this as a way of living not to say that you can’t trust anyone but at the end of the day you have yourself and only yourself, being self sufficient in that you don’t expect others to fix your issues. Other’s may aide, but in the end only you can make the changes necessary.

The second is from a book called Running from Safety.

"You find what you love and you learn everything about it. You bet your life on what you know and you run from safety"

The idea is that you take risks, and run from safety. So of course he throws me off and makes a statement/question. “You say you live your life avoiding complacent in everything else but you found that it was okay for you to have that in your relationships?”

It sort of floored me. Because I do live my life as if nothing can touch me. I run from safety every time. And yet in the past I have found myself in these toxic and complacent relationships and because of what? Because staying was easier than starting over, staying was easier than admitting defeat. Staying meant I wasn’t alone. Granted, I’ve since become comforted in the idea of being by myself and even more comfortable in who I am, the reality is I accepted that I didn’t deserve more and allowed myself to be in this “Safety Zone.”

I don’t know, something about the question really stung. The truth is a bitch.

Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear

In an act of my teenage angst still boiling within my veins I dyed parts of my hair red and headed off to New York City/New Jersey for a bit of an escape from my real life. My real life which is boring and every day lends itself to the same thing. Wake up, class or work, eat, rinse repeat. I have to argue is this all there is to life? Is it just these mundane appointments to be kept? I can’t seem to fit into this life happily. I don’t like the continuous monotony of my life. I never have. I want adventure constantly, if I’m not going 180 mph I feel as though I am at a standstill.

My trip was amazing and full of old and new friends. It was relaxing but I also felt needed and wanted. New Jersey is a place where I feel home. Amongst millions of people (who are probably judging me,) I feel home. Maybe it’s because I have friends there or maybe it’s because I can find peace in the quite glowing lights of the New York City skyline. I feel the rush of endorphins pumping through me and everything goes at the pace I like to keep. So why did I leave it? I left it because I couldn’t afford the addiction, the rush. I couldn’t afford the lifestyle if I wanted the education, but I miss every moment away. And then I am home and I come to a standstill.

When I’m at a standstill I seem to sink. I start this process in which I regret everything and anything. Then I start to feel like I’m getting nowhere. I feel like all my efforts are for nothing and I find myself wanting to give up.

And then the sleep comes. It pains me to get out of bed and I’ll spend days wrapped in the silence of my room. It is better to feel the warmth of the covers encasing me and protecting me from the realities of life. Realities that say I’m not progressing but regressing. It’s a terrible place to be when you know that this moment will pass but you can’t do anything to will it forward. Depression is an ugly thing that only sucks me down.

I’m working hard to be happier and I am arguably happier. There are a lot of positives in my life and I keep pressing forward, but sometimes, the monsters inside your head seep in and you don’t get a choice. There isn’t anything anyone can do to help push me through these phases either, they just hit me and I sink. I forget my responsibilities, I hide. Life doesn’t allow these moments. You can’t break down and avoid life. You can’t forgo those responsibilities. The classes, the homework and midterms, they’re still there. Your responsibilities knock impatiently at your door demanding to be complete.

Nevertheless it’s so easy to turn the lights off and shut the door. The anxiety leaves me as I drift off into dreamless sleep. And the monsters are at bay if only for an instant.

“Settle down, it'll all be clear don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down if you get lost, you can always be found…”

Mile High

Some how this got deleted and I wanted it here. So, I'm re posting.

Mile High

My heart breaks every time I see your face
I am reminded of the bareness that has
taken over in the cavity of my stomach.
It’s not that I want you; it’s that I need it.
I must feel this warmth and taste
sweet words on your lips.
But these honeyed verses are not meant for me,
They are designed for another.
And your lips are not meant,
to be so close to mine.

- JC

This could be para, para, paradise...

I hate that my mind creates these scenarios.

The writer in me feels differently about things. I fall in love with characters and thus cry easier. Little moments can bring tears to my eyes because its emotions I’ve long to feel either through the creation of characters or real life.

Tonight I was walking to the front porch and there was a perfect slight chill in the air and before I could stop it, I suddenly felt lonely.

The weather was make-out weather.

Where the wind is blowing just enough that if I were close to someone they could brush a strand of my hair from my face and kiss me. I could feel the moment like it had happened to me before. Laying by the nearby lake on a blanket wrapped into each other’s arms, while we talked in the slight glow of the moonlight through the rain threatening clouds. And even if it rained, it would only make the moment more perfect, because I long so much to be kissed in the rain.

So I sat outside, listening to the leaves rustling above and felt the romance consume me before a sudden chill brought me back to my senses and I drew my arms around myself.

And I feel the loneliness creep back...

...Or I’m channeling my inner Nicholas Sparks.

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there...

Today I told my boss that I’ve started feeling more confident about myself again. I told her I decided to be okay.

I decided to not worry about how come I was left so easily and decided to think about all the things he lost. I am an amazing person, if he doesn’t see that its because he chooses not to.

I am loving, I am kind and I am supportive. And most of all, I am a fox, even if I am overweight. I am a catch. I am a big deal. I am smart, compassionate and funny. I am full of myself but humble, and I am tired of feeling bad.

I’m tired of thinking “maybe if I had done this, instead of that.” Because I am human so I make mistakes, but the people who pick me, and choose me in their lives, they are getting a great human being, because I am worth the hassle.

Every.

Single.

Time.

You don't really care for music do yah?

One of my first boyfriends introduced me to a lot of fantastic music. I remember nights we'd fall asleep on his sister's couch or his bed listening to a play list he created and I used to wake up specifically to two separate songs, but I wasn't completely sure what they were. I just know it was always the same similar sound and cords every time. But I remember I would open my eyes and then snuggle close to him. I felt calm and safe in those moments, probably the calmest I'd ever felt in my life.

This was almost 8 years ago.

About a year ago, I was driving and a song came on the radio and I felt this wave of calm flood over me and I cried. It was a particularly stressful week and my body was in knots, so to have this emotion flood was really interesting.

It wasn't until much later that I realized that the song that I became obsessed with during the next few months was actually one of the songs that I woke up to when I was with David.

Even now I hear it and I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It's one of those moments in my relationship that even though that relationship has ended and it hurt.

I truly love to relive the moment, if only to feel the breath of calm.