I want you to stay...

It’s my last day in Arizona and I have to say the feeling is all so bittersweet. I spent the entire summer here last year and I couldn’t wait to leave. This had nothing to do with the place itself but rather the occurrences in my life at the time. This time was good. Despite several setbacks, I met some amazing new people that I can’t help but want in my everyday life.

I met Jeremy first and while I only spent a few bits of time with him, he has this light about him that pulls you in. His wit and intelligence are on par and his attitude resembles that of Captain Jack Harkness (For you Doctor Who fans.) I enjoyed the adventures, the conversations and the inside jokes we created… He also showed me how to work my camera a bit better, so that’s always a win.

There was Elvin and I can only describe him as the nicest ass hole you’ll ever meet. After months of daily conversations (sometimes 4-5 hours a day) we got to actually hang out in person. And he was every bit as funny as I expected. His wit, his intelligence, humor and lets be honest, his good looks were all of what I had expected. I feel like I could spend hours with this guy and never once get bored. Even if he rambled about rap or Wrestling…. He’s got a good heart and he is part of the reason I am having a hard time going back. (Where were you last summer?)

But mostly, there’s my family and all the friends who have been there. I miss them. I miss sitting at one another’s houses or running to a pool to avoid the overly hot sun. I miss being there to see their children grow and not just on facebook.

My youngest nephew almost brought me to tears tonight…

Josh: Did you use to live here?

Me: I did, 5 years ago I lived here.

Josh: Why did you leave?

Me: I needed to get out, I don’t like it here

Josh: I wish you would move back.

Me: Why’s that?

Josh: Cause I like those friends of yours (Refering to my friend Ashley and her sister Taylor) (good moment gone!)

Me: Oh, only for them? You like them better than me?

Josh: No, I like you more than them… but Taylor was fun. Will you ever move back?

Me: I don't know.

I got to see Jeremiah in his earlier years, and now I feel like I’m missing out on Joshes life. At least this time he remembers who I am. I miss my sense of family, and I’ve spent so many years running away from everything that it truly makes you realize how alone I feel now that I’ve gone away. But, everyone has to do things on their own terms right?

Last summer I broke bonds and severed ties…. This summer I mended some of those bonds and I feel so much better now. I’m happy with my life, I just wish the people I adored so much didn’t live so far away. I miss them. And now I have more people to miss.

Life is funny sometimes.

Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear

In an act of my teenage angst still boiling within my veins I dyed parts of my hair red and headed off to New York City/New Jersey for a bit of an escape from my real life. My real life which is boring and every day lends itself to the same thing. Wake up, class or work, eat, rinse repeat. I have to argue is this all there is to life? Is it just these mundane appointments to be kept? I can’t seem to fit into this life happily. I don’t like the continuous monotony of my life. I never have. I want adventure constantly, if I’m not going 180 mph I feel as though I am at a standstill.

My trip was amazing and full of old and new friends. It was relaxing but I also felt needed and wanted. New Jersey is a place where I feel home. Amongst millions of people (who are probably judging me,) I feel home. Maybe it’s because I have friends there or maybe it’s because I can find peace in the quite glowing lights of the New York City skyline. I feel the rush of endorphins pumping through me and everything goes at the pace I like to keep. So why did I leave it? I left it because I couldn’t afford the addiction, the rush. I couldn’t afford the lifestyle if I wanted the education, but I miss every moment away. And then I am home and I come to a standstill.

When I’m at a standstill I seem to sink. I start this process in which I regret everything and anything. Then I start to feel like I’m getting nowhere. I feel like all my efforts are for nothing and I find myself wanting to give up.

And then the sleep comes. It pains me to get out of bed and I’ll spend days wrapped in the silence of my room. It is better to feel the warmth of the covers encasing me and protecting me from the realities of life. Realities that say I’m not progressing but regressing. It’s a terrible place to be when you know that this moment will pass but you can’t do anything to will it forward. Depression is an ugly thing that only sucks me down.

I’m working hard to be happier and I am arguably happier. There are a lot of positives in my life and I keep pressing forward, but sometimes, the monsters inside your head seep in and you don’t get a choice. There isn’t anything anyone can do to help push me through these phases either, they just hit me and I sink. I forget my responsibilities, I hide. Life doesn’t allow these moments. You can’t break down and avoid life. You can’t forgo those responsibilities. The classes, the homework and midterms, they’re still there. Your responsibilities knock impatiently at your door demanding to be complete.

Nevertheless it’s so easy to turn the lights off and shut the door. The anxiety leaves me as I drift off into dreamless sleep. And the monsters are at bay if only for an instant.

“Settle down, it'll all be clear don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down if you get lost, you can always be found…”