Some advice, okay? Just don't point your fuckin' finger at crazy people!

I had a horrifying and appalling dream twice within a week, and each time it left me feeling gross, so gross I immediately had to take a shower… supporting the fact that I feel I might be insane and that there is something terribly wrong with me that alone I will not be able to escape.

She didn’t know it, but when she made the comment “you’re straight jacket crazy” and I made the defense, that straightjacket crazy meant that you were unknowingly doing things… Or as she put it “Straight jacket crazy is when you think you’re god.” But I had to I think to myself that she could be right, and that I am severely unhinged.

I guess, really, all in all I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even break down if I wanted/needed to... Like the more I think, and the more I read, the more I realize how much "help" I need, and I can’t even get it because I can’t stop working for fear of jail because of the situation I am.

In all reality I need a “vacation,” because I am more or less running off of fumes.

I need to be locked up in a little tiny room and observed because the things going on in my head are not right. I’m an emotional wreck, and I feel that one day I’m going to snap and then people will be able to call me crazy, and have it be true, because I will be sitting in a room, carving words into my arms and screaming uncontrollably for no reason.

I’m afraid of this.

So I hide my true self with smiles, and the visage that I’m strong, trying to fake strong might not necessarily be a bad thing, because they say, “fake it till you make it.” So if I fake it long enough I could be strong, or maybe I’d just be a pathological liar.

This isn’t your average “oh I stole money, I feel awful,” or “oh, I never graduated high school, I’m a fucking loser” type feeling to me. It’s a lot deeper, more emotional scars, haunting me. It’s that has happened to me, every little detail that I have never told anyone.

I cannot accept these things alone, I don’t have the power to accept them and move on, nor do I have the strength. These things that make me feel bad, feel gross, feel stupid, feel useless/worthless, lifeless; things I've never truly faced for fear of judgment.

My only driving factor at this point is fear. Fear keeps me running… and it wakes me up on a cold night, sweat dripping down my face; uncontrollably shaking. I feel like I’m in a capsizing submarine, and that I’m going to be sucked under by the fears that I have. Fear is my salvation and my executioner….