Before you call a technical support line..

Before you call a technical support line, here are 20 things you should know.

1. Do not yell at us, we don’t care. In fact, we’re less likely to assist you if you are yelling at us. Didn’t your mother ever tell you yelling never solved anything? And if you do in fact insist on yelling or being generally rude, you are SO getting a time out. (I.E we will disconnect the call and you can “think” about what you did while waiting another 30-40 minutes for someone to answer the phone... We don’t suggest you continue yelling when the next agent answers.)
2. Do not use the “Puff Up” tactic. – Again, we don’t care. You can be Prince Ali Ababa, and we really don’t care. If you would like to inform us that you are Doctor James Johnson, Fantastic, you spent a lot of money on a title that really won’t do much for you when you call a technical support number. Maybe in your little “club” will you get recognition, but here... you are the same moron calling in for help just like every other peon person you disregard on the street.
3.Please do not waste my time by telling me what you had for breakfast or who you saw at the store.
4. If you have annoying pets (birds, yapping dogs, children...) Please lock them in a closet, the basement, the attic or put them outside before you call. Thank you.
5. Your attitude problem will not get you better results.
6. Speaking to our supervisors 9 time out of 10, will do NOTHING but have you waste someone else minesweeper time to get the same answer that we just gave you.
7. Your petty little “competitor threats” mean nothing to us. Maybe in the sales retention department would they care, however, you are calling technical support, there for you are causing us to work, and to actually not have conversations with co-workers. So if you decide to switch to the competitor because of something we cannot control like how the Bank of America website isn’t allowing you to click a link and you’ve called Fast Tax for assistance, you made the wrong call buddy, not me.
8. This goes along with number one, remember, you are calling me for help, treat me nice, and I will assist you. Treat me badly, and your question may or may not be answered.
9. Because we are technical support, does not mean we can fix other peoples errors and if we can, we probably wont, because that’s not our job (i.e. if windows is having a problem and giving you an error message, call Microsoft... not FastTax)
10. Please do not eat while talking into the phone, your slurps and gurgles are gross.
11. On that note as well, please do not talk to use while you are in the bathroom, when we here the toilet flushing us, we instantly want to release your call and set you back into the 40-50 minute wait you just had.
12. Don’t tell us how many years you have used this product, we probably weren’t with the company back then, and if we were, we wouldn’t be answering the freaking phone.
13. If you are on hold for a long time, chances are we are really busy, do not complain about the hold time, we’re just as busy answering call after call... We get it. Theres a really long hold time, maybe if you would stop calling we wouldn’t have a problem now would we?
14. For the love of god, please do not call us if you have dial-up. Upgrade your technology, and if you can’t, why the hell did you move to the middle of Bumble feck anyway? – I guess that’s the price you have to pay for silence.
15. If you don't meet the System Requirement, don't call us and complain.
16. Please learn how to read.... Even the small print.
17. Learn how to enunciate words, mumblers will not be helped. – If you mumble, I may switch on “India accent” and then neither of us will be able to understand what’s going on.
18. If you do not know at least basic Computer 101, please hang up, take a class on computer usage, pass course with at least a B grade then call us back. We may require proof of passing grade. And yes, there will be a test.
19. I am the expert. Not your family or friends. You called me, not them.
20. If you cannot follow these guidelines within reason, you will not be assisted, because I will be forced to experience some "technical difficulties” when I hang up on your dumb @$$.