I’ve declined to buy my aunts car from her and I’m actually quite torn about the situation... If I'm going to spend that much money, it should be something I want, and not something Im settling for...
2003 Chevy Impala
Pros
------
Its a car of my own right now.
Its in decent shape
It’s blue.
Cons
------
I hate Impalas. (the way they look) (the tail fin)
It’s not comfortable to drive long distances.
It needs new tires/breaks/rotors
I don’t like the way the steering wheel is, its awkward driving it.
I guess at this point in my life I can sort of afford to be picky, before it was "accept what you can and don't be so picky." But I think in this case, If its not comfortable to drive that’s a big thing, I love driving (even if gas prices are outrageous.) Furthermore, I don't like the car to begin with I’ve never liked them. In fact Kristin and I used to make fun of that car. To me its like the equivalent of driving an egg, and most of my friends can attest to how much I dislike egg cars. It also things need to be done to it and I just don’t want to put forth the effort and feel that the car isn't worth the 5400. Granted my aunt would be selling it to me for 4100.00 (her trade-in value) the other 1300.00 would be for the work that needed to be done on it right now..
And then there’s that other part of me that doesn’t want someone in my family’s hand-me-downs. I know, it seems as though I’m being slightly snobbish, but I haven’t ever really gotten a car that wasn’t someone in my family’s before, I just want something that is my own, that I got to choose. It’s a stupid thing, but I need it to validate myself as an adult who is able to make decisions.
On the other hand it has been quite difficult to talk to Kathleen about my wants/needs. She always seems so busy and if I do talk to her its like I’m interrupting something very important, so I just try not to talk to her and just keep things to myself. Seeing how she controls my income its not exactly the easiest thing to do... It makes me feel really helpless. I hate that.
I need something that I can control in my life.
On the flip-side I got my first A+ as a college student. My last paper I wrote I got 100% on. Which is pretty effin sweet if you ask me.
The next essay we have to write is a descriptive essay about what our dream life would be. I think I’ll probably write about living in a New York City loft and working for a pretty widely known magazine as a photographer. The point is now I have to incorporate taste, touch, sound, smell and sight. Some of these will be easier than others... I just need to think of a creative angle, I don’t want to go into it like “my dream job would be like....” Just doesn’t seem all that... interesting and too childish.
Maybe talk about something really important that i had to get done, pick and “event” in my life to talk about and detail around that....
So, that is what’s going on in my head these days....
As always, I miss my friends.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I live a montonous life in the suburbs.
The development that my aunt lives in (well I guess I live in now,) is cute. Across the street from her on the left side of the house is an old couple. Everyday they sit out in their chairs in front of their garage. Whenever I wake up, they are there - It makes me wonder if they even eat! Although I did see someone come to the house and pick up the old man.
My second favorite thing about living here is the Walkers. Every day there are about 20-30 people that pass the house. I get a kick out of the older walkers with their grey cotton shorts pulled up to their chests and grey matching t-shirt. They walk with oversized headphones on their head (apparently haven’t discovered earbuds or Ipods.)
Behind the old people’s home on the left is a lake, That’s right a lake is within walking distance of my porch, By walking distance I mean anything within a 1000ft Radius.... Anything out of that is... well out of my effort zone.
It’s a very green cute neighborhood with gardens, grass and sidewalks.
My second favorite thing about living here is the Walkers. Every day there are about 20-30 people that pass the house. I get a kick out of the older walkers with their grey cotton shorts pulled up to their chests and grey matching t-shirt. They walk with oversized headphones on their head (apparently haven’t discovered earbuds or Ipods.)
Behind the old people’s home on the left is a lake, That’s right a lake is within walking distance of my porch, By walking distance I mean anything within a 1000ft Radius.... Anything out of that is... well out of my effort zone.
It’s a very green cute neighborhood with gardens, grass and sidewalks.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
You cut me open and I keep bleeding love...
I love digging up old pieces of work and revisiting them. Giving them small little make overs and then putting them back where you found them, or dusting it off and showing the world what you have. Something about that as a writer makes me happy.
I found an old poem I wrote about how I knew I was in love with someone. Granted that love has long faded and the guy it was written about is not longer an active part of my life, the poem still made me smile. And that’s what I like about writing and healing, being able to capture a memory that once would have caused me pain if I had read it during the period following the “break up” that I refer to as the Dark Period. But now as I read through it, give it its make over, it just makes me grin, satisfied for those few moments captured in the poem.
The Reasons Why
It’s this secret that I have
The moment I look into your eyes
The walls fall around me.
And you hold me in your arms.
It’s the smile that you share,
so simple and so pure
Yet complicated and obscure.
It’s that little twinkle in your eye
when I say something completely off the wall.
Or the way you brush the hair out of my face
look at me, and how I say
“Stop looking at me”
and secretly hope you wont
And I wonder what you see
your eyes set intently on me
It's how when I am looking at you,
And you ask my why,
I want to respond with
"I’m in love with the way you look,
every feature - freckles and nose,
Fingers and toes."
I just say, “It’s because you looked at me”
It really is a lot more than that
like the way your reddish brown hair flips out
when it’s getting long.
or your blue blue eyes.
It’s the way you kiss me,
when I’m looking up at you
through fallen strands of hair.
And the way your hand touches mine,
that sends tingles down my spine.
It’s cliche I know, but its just how you
hug me and I never want you to let go.
It’s watching your fingers flirting
with strings on your guitar.
And when I have your full attention
It’s that smile I get,
when you think I’m looking
the other direction.
Or the laugh from you when I make that face
And the way your brow wrinkles
when you try and figure out what I’m thinking.
Its how each moment doesn’t last long enough
And leaves me hungering for your touch.
It’s the snapshots I hold in treasure chests.
So to answer that burning question,
this is how I know.
-------
In other news on the Michigan battle front, it's still exactly that. A constant struggle to figure out how to live with my aunt. Trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself and how I will survive unscathed. I am a broken person, this I am fully aware of, but each of the pieces that you find will make up a whole me. The problem is, the way she wants those pieces put together are not me...I'm not sure I want to compromise everything that I am to be everything that someone else wants. Their vision of me, is not my own.
I need to find the reason that answers the question "Why did I move here?" I need to find it, and I need to take that and figure things out. School is not the only reason. Was I reaching out for someone or were there alternative means for leaving? Do I really want to live my life the way things have been going? What can I do to change these things?
And I really have to get myself on a better schedule. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping until 1 PM is probably not the best thing.
Not to mention, my back hates me.. no, it hates my bed.
I found an old poem I wrote about how I knew I was in love with someone. Granted that love has long faded and the guy it was written about is not longer an active part of my life, the poem still made me smile. And that’s what I like about writing and healing, being able to capture a memory that once would have caused me pain if I had read it during the period following the “break up” that I refer to as the Dark Period. But now as I read through it, give it its make over, it just makes me grin, satisfied for those few moments captured in the poem.
The Reasons Why
It’s this secret that I have
The moment I look into your eyes
The walls fall around me.
And you hold me in your arms.
It’s the smile that you share,
so simple and so pure
Yet complicated and obscure.
It’s that little twinkle in your eye
when I say something completely off the wall.
Or the way you brush the hair out of my face
look at me, and how I say
“Stop looking at me”
and secretly hope you wont
And I wonder what you see
your eyes set intently on me
It's how when I am looking at you,
And you ask my why,
I want to respond with
"I’m in love with the way you look,
every feature - freckles and nose,
Fingers and toes."
I just say, “It’s because you looked at me”
It really is a lot more than that
like the way your reddish brown hair flips out
when it’s getting long.
or your blue blue eyes.
It’s the way you kiss me,
when I’m looking up at you
through fallen strands of hair.
And the way your hand touches mine,
that sends tingles down my spine.
It’s cliche I know, but its just how you
hug me and I never want you to let go.
It’s watching your fingers flirting
with strings on your guitar.
And when I have your full attention
It’s that smile I get,
when you think I’m looking
the other direction.
Or the laugh from you when I make that face
And the way your brow wrinkles
when you try and figure out what I’m thinking.
Its how each moment doesn’t last long enough
And leaves me hungering for your touch.
It’s the snapshots I hold in treasure chests.
So to answer that burning question,
this is how I know.
-------
In other news on the Michigan battle front, it's still exactly that. A constant struggle to figure out how to live with my aunt. Trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself and how I will survive unscathed. I am a broken person, this I am fully aware of, but each of the pieces that you find will make up a whole me. The problem is, the way she wants those pieces put together are not me...I'm not sure I want to compromise everything that I am to be everything that someone else wants. Their vision of me, is not my own.
I need to find the reason that answers the question "Why did I move here?" I need to find it, and I need to take that and figure things out. School is not the only reason. Was I reaching out for someone or were there alternative means for leaving? Do I really want to live my life the way things have been going? What can I do to change these things?
And I really have to get myself on a better schedule. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping until 1 PM is probably not the best thing.
Not to mention, my back hates me.. no, it hates my bed.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Leave Me Here In Pieces
She frustrates the hell out of me. I wish she would just learn to talk to me like my aunt instead of the college professor. I can have conversations, I don't have a problem talking to anyone but her. Why? Because she judges every word that comes out of my mouth. Every action I do, is scrutinized by her. I may be defensive when I respond, but its only because she has said something to cause me to be defensive. I wish she would just take a step back and stop trying to change me.
Or maybe I work better not being part of a family. Maybe I should just leave and go back home and continue my life that I had, and just deal with school later when I don't have to answer to someone daily. It's what I'm used to. I'm sorry, at 23 should I even HAVE to answer to anyone? I'm not seeing anyone...And even then, I wouldn't answer to them but more along the lines share my life with them, allow them witness and vice versa.
It's not the same when you live with your aunt who is a college professor and thinks she should have control of everything. I may be a broken person but I am still a formed person open to change when its something that is in the best interest of me. Not because someone else wants me to be a certain way.
I'm just so tired of all of these confrontations because I don't want to talk to her, or I don't want to be grilled by her. I just want to be left alone, thats how I work. I ask for help when I need it... I've learned that. Or...
Or maybe I'm doomed to forever be alone because apparently I cannot communicate.
Who the fuck cares how I want to live my life? I'm not hurting anyone.
Or maybe I work better not being part of a family. Maybe I should just leave and go back home and continue my life that I had, and just deal with school later when I don't have to answer to someone daily. It's what I'm used to. I'm sorry, at 23 should I even HAVE to answer to anyone? I'm not seeing anyone...And even then, I wouldn't answer to them but more along the lines share my life with them, allow them witness and vice versa.
It's not the same when you live with your aunt who is a college professor and thinks she should have control of everything. I may be a broken person but I am still a formed person open to change when its something that is in the best interest of me. Not because someone else wants me to be a certain way.
I'm just so tired of all of these confrontations because I don't want to talk to her, or I don't want to be grilled by her. I just want to be left alone, thats how I work. I ask for help when I need it... I've learned that. Or...
Or maybe I'm doomed to forever be alone because apparently I cannot communicate.
Who the fuck cares how I want to live my life? I'm not hurting anyone.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Just cross my fingers, throw another nickel in the well...
Welcome to the Emo side.
I’m having a lot of set backs to moving here.. they’re mostly emotional and purely to the fact that I’m extremely lonely. I mean my aunts cool and all, but I miss the inside jokes between my friends and I. I feel like I’m missing out on everything that we used to do... Sort of like the little kid that doesn’t want to go to bed.
I started school today, It should be an interesting 6 weeks, the teacher seems pretty down to earth so thats good, my first thought was oh man she’s a bitch, but once she actually started talking that thought was totally thrown out the window.
I really don’t get my aunts thinking process all that much and its probably mostly just because I’m so used to doing things on my own terms. But since she controls the money its hard for me to get some things done without her... I guess I’m really just irritated that she blew up on me because I was sitting there this afternoon working on my Itunes and Ipod playlists and not doing what she probably thought I should have been doing. But it really irritated the crap out of me because she sitting there telling me I should be getting ready for class and making sure I paid for the course then going to the bookstore and getting the books for my class... and those are things she has to do since I do not have the $$. So I immediately get up to get the page up so that she can process the payment and when I get her she says “I’m busy taking a shower, I’ll do it later.”
In my mind I guess I would have just said something to me after the shower instead of going off on me about how I wasn’t doing anything to prepare for a class. In my mind I also knew what I was going to do. I was going to gather the things I needed (Pen/Paper) because I didn’t want to show up to the class with books I has just bought only to learn that we don’t need them. The buy back price is freaking ridiculous! As for paying for the course, I was going to do that as soon as I was finished with my playlist that I had to recreate, which probably would have been about the time she finished with her shower... Of course she couldn’t have known this, so I guess I can’t blame her. But I just wish she would give me some credit that I do know what I am doing sometimes, and these days if I don’t, I tend to ask for help... which is an improvement for me.
I’m just really upset about moving back to be told what to do. Not to mention I was under the impression that my room and board would be in the 300 range, not 500. I basically could have stayed in tucson and not spent the money for the ticket and moving out here if I knew that each month I was going to have to pay 500.00 to not have my own place or be able to do what I want....I payed roughly 500.00 month when I was in Tucson before i left... probably a little bit over... but not much.
A bit of an advantage for me is that I did get roughly 3000.00 in debt paid off my credit report... I have no debt now, just paid accounts, which isn’t really good, but its not that bad either... So that is good. The bad news is the 10k allotment that we all (Trustees) received is pretty much spent, and I still don’t have my own vehicle.
I had hoped to have had one within a few weeks of me being here, but at this rate it probably wont be until August/September before that happens. Which disappoints me because a car for me would be a bit more of freedom for me. I just don’t feel right taking my aunts car whenever I want to like I would if I had my own vehicle. Not to mention I’m back in a Ford Exploder... which I think could possibly be worse than Forest... In order to get out of the car, I have to roll down the back window and reach around to open the door from the outside, the radio works - but you can’t tell which station you are on, the lights on the dash are out, and the AC is broken, it just blows outside air in, which in this heat is quite.... muggy. Might as well roll the windows down... but I can’t roll down the driver window...which would actually make getting out of the car a lot easier.
But hey, I could be taking the bus?
But never the less, I still miss my friends...
I’m having a lot of set backs to moving here.. they’re mostly emotional and purely to the fact that I’m extremely lonely. I mean my aunts cool and all, but I miss the inside jokes between my friends and I. I feel like I’m missing out on everything that we used to do... Sort of like the little kid that doesn’t want to go to bed.
I started school today, It should be an interesting 6 weeks, the teacher seems pretty down to earth so thats good, my first thought was oh man she’s a bitch, but once she actually started talking that thought was totally thrown out the window.
I really don’t get my aunts thinking process all that much and its probably mostly just because I’m so used to doing things on my own terms. But since she controls the money its hard for me to get some things done without her... I guess I’m really just irritated that she blew up on me because I was sitting there this afternoon working on my Itunes and Ipod playlists and not doing what she probably thought I should have been doing. But it really irritated the crap out of me because she sitting there telling me I should be getting ready for class and making sure I paid for the course then going to the bookstore and getting the books for my class... and those are things she has to do since I do not have the $$. So I immediately get up to get the page up so that she can process the payment and when I get her she says “I’m busy taking a shower, I’ll do it later.”
In my mind I guess I would have just said something to me after the shower instead of going off on me about how I wasn’t doing anything to prepare for a class. In my mind I also knew what I was going to do. I was going to gather the things I needed (Pen/Paper) because I didn’t want to show up to the class with books I has just bought only to learn that we don’t need them. The buy back price is freaking ridiculous! As for paying for the course, I was going to do that as soon as I was finished with my playlist that I had to recreate, which probably would have been about the time she finished with her shower... Of course she couldn’t have known this, so I guess I can’t blame her. But I just wish she would give me some credit that I do know what I am doing sometimes, and these days if I don’t, I tend to ask for help... which is an improvement for me.
I’m just really upset about moving back to be told what to do. Not to mention I was under the impression that my room and board would be in the 300 range, not 500. I basically could have stayed in tucson and not spent the money for the ticket and moving out here if I knew that each month I was going to have to pay 500.00 to not have my own place or be able to do what I want....I payed roughly 500.00 month when I was in Tucson before i left... probably a little bit over... but not much.
A bit of an advantage for me is that I did get roughly 3000.00 in debt paid off my credit report... I have no debt now, just paid accounts, which isn’t really good, but its not that bad either... So that is good. The bad news is the 10k allotment that we all (Trustees) received is pretty much spent, and I still don’t have my own vehicle.
I had hoped to have had one within a few weeks of me being here, but at this rate it probably wont be until August/September before that happens. Which disappoints me because a car for me would be a bit more of freedom for me. I just don’t feel right taking my aunts car whenever I want to like I would if I had my own vehicle. Not to mention I’m back in a Ford Exploder... which I think could possibly be worse than Forest... In order to get out of the car, I have to roll down the back window and reach around to open the door from the outside, the radio works - but you can’t tell which station you are on, the lights on the dash are out, and the AC is broken, it just blows outside air in, which in this heat is quite.... muggy. Might as well roll the windows down... but I can’t roll down the driver window...which would actually make getting out of the car a lot easier.
But hey, I could be taking the bus?
But never the less, I still miss my friends...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
I wish that you would just leave...
How is it that my sister can get completely under my skin and bring me to tears so easily? Oh, Right because I am an emotional person in the middle of a very emotional time and she’s really good at pushing the right buttons.
I seriously would not care if my sister and I ever had a relationship. I don’t care what the norm is… If she wont stop being such a totally Cunt bag, I am severing ties and considering her dead just like my mother.
I know that seems harsh, But I’m just so fed up with bullshit people in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to have to deal with people who are supposed to be supporting me bringing me down… I can bring myself down fine by myself thank you very much.
All I will say is this adventure to the Chicago area should have been pleasant, instead I spent a good deal of time trying to avoid my sister and plotting her death. If murder wasn’t illegal, she would not be living.
I thank god that I do not have to see her until Christmas after this week is over, if I see her before then, it will have been too soon.
Now I realize why I never really tried and the next time I say I should do something to bond with her, I would ask that my closest friend please sock me in the face as hard as they can so that I can remember how it feels to “bond” with my cunt bag of a sister.
/end rant.
I seriously would not care if my sister and I ever had a relationship. I don’t care what the norm is… If she wont stop being such a totally Cunt bag, I am severing ties and considering her dead just like my mother.
I know that seems harsh, But I’m just so fed up with bullshit people in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to have to deal with people who are supposed to be supporting me bringing me down… I can bring myself down fine by myself thank you very much.
All I will say is this adventure to the Chicago area should have been pleasant, instead I spent a good deal of time trying to avoid my sister and plotting her death. If murder wasn’t illegal, she would not be living.
I thank god that I do not have to see her until Christmas after this week is over, if I see her before then, it will have been too soon.
Now I realize why I never really tried and the next time I say I should do something to bond with her, I would ask that my closest friend please sock me in the face as hard as they can so that I can remember how it feels to “bond” with my cunt bag of a sister.
/end rant.
Monday, June 02, 2008
I am S-m-R-T
So let the record show that I took the placement test at Pima Community College in Arizona TWICE. (The writing portion I took 3 times)
And Each time I placed into remedial math (the math you take before it even means anything) and the lowest English class (not the regular 101) I scored a 100% on reading comprehension so we call know I can read and get what I'm reading.
But scoring low in the English department has always had me pissed off. I took it the first time, scored low. Re-tested doing a written form instead of an online "editing" exam. Placed low. Two years alter, took the online editing part again.... Placed low.
How could that even be? I was a writer! Yes, my spelling and grammar do suck. But I thought I was decent enough to be placed into a regular English course...
Well today, I went over to Macomb community college to take the placement tests and get this low scoring over with. I was convinced I'd do the same, place low in everything but reading.
Well kids, I placed in regular writing 101. I placed in Intermediate Math (which is ABOVE what I placed last time) and My reading comprehension score was yet again, 100%......
The math bit I have no idea how I placed higher, but the English part, over the past year or so I have been working really hard on making sure things that I wrote were correctly spelled and used correctly.... It worked.
I'm a normal college student! I'm not behind.
I thought the term was use it or lose it..... I haven't been in school in almost 3 years.... I definitely didn't lose it!
And Each time I placed into remedial math (the math you take before it even means anything) and the lowest English class (not the regular 101) I scored a 100% on reading comprehension so we call know I can read and get what I'm reading.
But scoring low in the English department has always had me pissed off. I took it the first time, scored low. Re-tested doing a written form instead of an online "editing" exam. Placed low. Two years alter, took the online editing part again.... Placed low.
How could that even be? I was a writer! Yes, my spelling and grammar do suck. But I thought I was decent enough to be placed into a regular English course...
Well today, I went over to Macomb community college to take the placement tests and get this low scoring over with. I was convinced I'd do the same, place low in everything but reading.
Well kids, I placed in regular writing 101. I placed in Intermediate Math (which is ABOVE what I placed last time) and My reading comprehension score was yet again, 100%......
The math bit I have no idea how I placed higher, but the English part, over the past year or so I have been working really hard on making sure things that I wrote were correctly spelled and used correctly.... It worked.
I'm a normal college student! I'm not behind.
I thought the term was use it or lose it..... I haven't been in school in almost 3 years.... I definitely didn't lose it!
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