Its strange to think that the world as I once knew it will never be the same. I used to dread the holidays. I was worried about how I would react to things that would be said and even more so, what would be said.
I feared gathering with my family because of the arguments. And yet, as I sit here on the eve before Thanksgiving, I realize I miss my family. Even if we did argue.... I miss knowing that there was a place that felt like home.
I miss watching my nephews run around or having Jeremiah babble at great lengths about nothing at all. And I miss the smells that would becoming from the kitchen. And how there would be 4 (to 5 cars) parked outside of her house. And she would be screaming for someone to come help (And usually it was me.) I guess she inadvertently made me feel useful and wanted. Even if it did piss me off at the time. I miss the smell of the pine trees, and the warmth of the fire.
Nothing feels like home anymore. It feels like I’m walking blindly in the world with no where to go that has the comforts of the known.
My grandma’s house was always home for me. It was always a place for me to go... My heart feels homeless and lonely.... is it always going to feel like this?
On the positive side, I am cooking the “sides” for Thanksgiving this year. Jake is deep frying a Turkey (I hear its good, but I’m still skeptical.) And I am preparing mashed potatoes, dressing, Sweet Potatoes (Yams), and Green Jello (My family style) and hopefully it doesn’t taste like ass. Though, it only seems like 1/4th of what I’m used to it’s going to be quite a bit of food. And I’m glad I wont be spending thanksgiving working.... at least I’ll have one friend around and that is good enough for me.
After tomorrow I can officially commence listening to Christmas music without feeling ridiculous....
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I fuckin Rule.
So, in my unemployment I've been trying to not eat food, instead when I feel like I'm hungry, I just make something and then hope my roommates will eat it.
Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.
I fucking rule.
Now hopefully it tastes good too!
Yay me.
I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!
I'd be an awesome mom!
Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.
I fucking rule.
Now hopefully it tastes good too!
Yay me.
I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!
I'd be an awesome mom!
Friday, November 21, 2008
I got fired, so I wrote a letter and sent it.
Some of you might have seen the letter I had drawn up. This is the finished draft that I mailed out today. I included my letter of recommendation from my previous employer.
November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080
Dear Zenya Gallagher,
On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.
When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.
It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.
It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.
Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.
If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.
This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.
Sincerely yours,
JENNIFER C*******
November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080
Dear Zenya Gallagher,
On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.
When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.
It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.
It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.
Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.
If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.
This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.
Sincerely yours,
JENNIFER C*******
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Move me Round the sun, around...
So I just strolled in from a VERY rainy night in the city. This is an experience I've never felt before and I loved it. I mean I’ve experienced the sprinkling here and there, but not so much the torrential downpour. Sure it was cold once I got into the building and my shirt was clinging to me in an unpleasant way. (But I'll be damned if the little kid in me wasn't twirling around having a ball.)
I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.
They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.
All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.
I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.
They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.
All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I've been trying to be on the positive side about everything that's been heading my way. There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for, and yet I always seem to mull over the things I don't have.
Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.
I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.
My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.
The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.
I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.
Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.
And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
.
.
.
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.
Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.
I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.
My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.
The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.
I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.
Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.
And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
.
.
.
I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.
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